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A novel that teaches readers how to find healing after broken and severed relationships
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love story from the male perspective
#1 by Anonymous on July 2, 2014 - 11:52 am
I’m in a place with my husband in our 15th year of marriage that I needed to see this. There are so many of these items that we are facing in our marriage – and I am at fault as well. I love him but am not ‘in love’ with him anymore. We are trying – but I have tasked him with leading the charge at figuring out how to make me fall in love with him again. Thank you for the share. I’ll make sure he sees it as well.
#2 by Anonymous on July 17, 2014 - 1:57 pm
You will fall in love again once you take some time for yourself, and realize there is nothing else out there.
#3 by Anonymous on June 29, 2014 - 4:40 am
This is a keeper.
#4 by Anonymous on June 24, 2014 - 7:45 am
I want to date this guy! Every thing in the article is spot-on! If these things had been done by my husband, we’d still be married, & he’d be the happiest guy ever, because he’d have a wife who would do anything for him because of the love she recieved from him.
#5 by Penny on June 23, 2014 - 5:04 am
I’m jealous . I can’t go past the 2 year mark ….. let alone 16. It truley takes 2 incredible individuals to honour each to the point where you can’t become undone. Which is why I believe that it is not only imperative …. but completely logical to abolish the the idealism status quo . People on their own are far better off……. If they dare too.
The foolish child in me, still glimpses at the idea of hope, even with that knowledge .
#6 by jrl on June 23, 2014 - 2:47 pm
Thank you, Penny. Bless you.
#7 by Al on August 18, 2014 - 9:21 pm
Would have to agree, some (like me) are simply better off alone…especially when the childish heart can not & has not been able to see people/relationships for what they truly are, until it’s too late. Thanks for the comment & clarity on the matter!!
#8 by Dan Bielenberg on June 12, 2014 - 11:01 pm
Thank you for getting this.
I choose you.
#9 by Dan on May 29, 2014 - 7:33 pm
This article is 100% Spot on. After 15 years of marriage to my only true love, I have lost my wife for all the same reasons.
I have read many of the responses to this article from so called macho men. Kill the one of the boys tough guy act and get down to what marriage really is. It blows my mind how many men have told me that I just didn’t put my wife in her place. Paleeeaaase!! A real man honors and treasures his wife, I failed and for this will be eternally remorseful. The woman worshiped the ground that I walked on and I just stomped on her heart, putting the family business before the family home, not being present and the list goes on. Doesn’t mean I didn’t love her, I did and still do, just kept saying to myself someday I’ll be a better husband, someday I’ll be a better father someday…. The myth of someday.
Now some folks may be perfectly content in their marriages not practicing the essential and valuable points in this article and hey good for you, but it you want joy, real happiness and a harmonious marriage, something beyond what it is now, men step up. The only things I would add to the list is to make your home a Christ centered home, pray together with your wife and also as a family with your wife and children.
I know now where I failed and if by some miracle God ever granted me another chance with my wife, the rulebook is in this article. I highly recommend http://www.ultimatehusband.com which I discovered way too late and two books: 1) If he Only Knew by Gary Smalley – Amazon has it for dirt cheap, 2) Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late by the same author. Also two books I discovered way too late.
Believe me this divorce was the biggest slap in the face to make numerous changes in myself that I know down the road will make me a better man.
Men, you don’t want to end up in the same boat as us. Make these practices a daily part of your marriage, you cannot imagine the pain and emotion that can overcome you especially when your entire life is changed drastically by one sentence from your wife’s mouth. “I am divorcing you.”
#10 by Dan on June 23, 2014 - 11:16 pm
I do have to say , now that I am clear, Yes I had many faults, and so did she. I stand by my words that I originally wrote, however I do see now that although she is a well educated, well cultured woman, she does have many psychological and emotional issues that I pray that she works on. In a nutshell, subconsciously, I believe that in her mind was what’s called “I’m going make to make damned sure that you make me unhappy.” It’s unfortunate though it’s really good to be clear. I pray for her as I move on. New possibilities…..
#11 by Al on August 18, 2014 - 9:27 pm
Does she really have those issues, or was that the path the relationship led to? Ask yourself what you did wrong in it, instead of pointing to her? Then ask, if there was truly love; could things have been worked out? Is there a point of no return? I have some beautiful memories of relationships that turned into ultimate disaster, some of which I know was my own fault. Heck, sometimes I wonder if love truly exists or is it the label we put onto the relationship that is fulfilling, lighthearted, newer, and fun? Too bad, things don’t tend to stay this way…when you truly meld 2 lives together, it came become quite a challenge!!
#12 by Sceptical on May 2, 2014 - 4:20 pm
50 % Fiction if you ask me. I am 29 years married tomorrow ‘same old & getting older’ lol.
What really killed it for me was his porno style lovemaking paragraph. Really!!!. Keep it for the romance novels please.
#13 by Anonymous on May 26, 2014 - 12:08 pm
No. He is absolutely righ, nothing porno about it. Just an element of passion. I l obviously this hits a nerve with you and we wish you would have addressed that in your sharing.
#14 by Anonymous on May 2, 2014 - 3:00 pm
A very clever use of social media picking up on one of the hottest selling soft cover book themes – ‘romance’. Expanding several points to tug at the heart strings for the target audience. Probably made a lot of money for the author.
Back to reality here; 29 years married tomorrow, planning how to celebrate it with my wife. I am still reeling from the disappointment of her lack of gratitude for a surprise 50th birthday I organised and new car I bought for her last month. She has no emotion about it, thanks to a hysterectomy. Here’s some good advice- don’t rush into a full hysterectomy. Ask the doctor to keep at least one ovary if you want to keep the wife you once knew.
I can’t say I have ‘seen it all ‘ in my marriage because there are obviously more unfortunate people than us but starting with my wife suffering from PND with our children no 3 & no 4. Developing a form of PD (personality disorder as she aged) probably due to being the only child of a narcissistic ‘man hating’ widowed mother. (2 failed re marriages and countless failed relationships).
Here’s some good advice – never marry a single parent child from a widowed mother.
Countless hours in counselling, dozens of books on the subject. Maybe I should have let my solicitor get her charged with attempted murder when she pulled a knife on me. Maybe I should have let my solicitor let her get charged when she used to leave my kids locked up in the car while she shopped. Maybe I should not have let her back in when she would leave after a tantrum.
Here is some good advice young guys. Once you become a door mat for your wife you become a door mat for your kids. Let me explain. Once the kids see their father being verbally abused by their mother . They themselves verbally abused and physically intimidated by their mother it shatters their security of home feeling. Their survival instinct is to not flourish, hide their feelings in fact and leave home at the first opportunity. I have put 3 of them to Uni so far but I am having problems with my last child’s aptitude to study.
Where I thought I was doing the right thing hanging on to my marriage and after a few hours of my counselling sessions I am starting to see I have done the wrong thing trying to save my marriage. What in fact appears to have happened is I have been married for 29 years and lost the healthy balanced development of all my children. Ironic isn’t it.
Well I tried my best. At 53 I feel washed up. I already had one minor heart attack a fortnight ago. Sky rocketing blood pressure, constant indigestion and heart burn. I checked my life insurance, it’s all in order, still have to check my will.
Yes Lord I am ready, please take me to a better place, I have tried my best. Please instil the grace in my children to do their best where I inadvertently failed them. Thank you Lord, Amen.
#15 by Tiffany T. H. on June 23, 2014 - 8:29 pm
I read your comment and I’m moved by what you really tried to accomplish with your marriage. It sounds like she suffered from way more than just a hysterectomy, what I mean to say is that she may have had some kind of chemical problems or poor mental coping. Not all women that have a hysterectomy just plane lose there mind do they? Your last few comments worry me because it sounds like you’re ready to just give up on life, and yea your situation totally sucks, I don’t discount that but your life isn’t over yet. There is still room for fighting for your kids and maybe after some counseling for everyone you’ll be able to find true happiness again, but you have to be willing to give that a try first. I don’t know you, but I feel for you, in an odd way probably more than I should, but please don’t give up on yourself, you’ve got good in you, and I hope so very much in this very moment that you embrace what is good and please don’t give up hope. Change is never ever easy and rarely quick but hopefully you can find strength in yourself to keep going, keep loving, keep trying. I’m telling this to myself as much as I am you. What’s that prayer God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, Courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference..so hard to really put into action, I know I’m struggling with it now. Someone you’ve never met is thinking of you right now and hoping and wishing things turn around for you!
#16 by Anonymous on July 23, 2014 - 3:26 pm
A car ? A surprise party ? Does anyone want THINGS ? Attention and caring are much much more important. Not saying you didn’t have these too . Just surprised at the emphasis
#17 by dave on May 2, 2014 - 7:12 am
This article is the best and most painful thing i have ever read. I agree tottally with everything this man is saying and i believe its absolutley right. Though they say it takes two to tango in a relationship The hardest thing to accept is that You are the one who is responsible for the undoing and ending of the best and most precious thing in your life. For so long i never took responsibility for my actions. I passed the blame always to someone or something else, Never communicated my feelings or emotions in any way proper to my partner And i broke the most important promises i made to the most important person in my life. Everytime I said id change i would slip back to old ways comepletely unaware, and the effort i was putting in to the relationship was seen and felt as next to none to her. And yet i still wondered why she would feel how she was feeling about everything. You know when she first read this article she left it out and asked me to read it hoping i would see and understand all i do now from this article. And now i know how exactly i want and should treat her everyday for the rest of her life. But just as everything with me that has come too little too late and now i face the real fact of never being able to show her the love and life she deserves and give her the me she so dearly wanted. And just as im completly comitted to and being the epic lover in this article to her for the rest of her life now my love is not wanted and im left without her love. If only i did read this when i should’ve and understood that I am a man, But she is a woman, she is my woman and she deserved my all, everyday that i was blessed to have her as my one and only. She deserved to feel happyness, completeness and love like no other from me. Love she could always depend on to light the darkness from her soul, dry the tears from her eyes and let her know she was the only woman in the world that my love belonged to. I failed her and i was wreckless with her heart, and she never even asked for half of how i speak now to make her feel loved. So as for this article i believe the words this man has written are completely spot on. If you trully love the person your with Show her everyday That She matters more then any car, bike or past life you could or may have had. That all the money in the world couldn’t buy a piece of what you have with her. If i could have just one chance again to have my beautiful sweet girlfriend back i would cherish everyday with her for the rest of our lives.
Like it says in this article ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE there is now greater feeling in life then the love of your beautiful girlfriend/wife, And if u have it Do all u can to protect it…. She deserves the best of you, All of you, Always…….
#18 by teach me how to attract men please on April 23, 2014 - 2:23 am
I rarely comment, however after reading a great deal of responses on this page Beautiful advice
from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage
| love story from the male perspective. I actually do have some
questions for you if it’s allright. Could it be only
me or does it look like like some of the comments come across
like they are left by brain dead people? 😛 And, if you are posting at other online sites, I’d like to keep up with everything new you have to post.
Could you list of every one of your shared pages like your Facebook page, twitter feed, or linkedin profile?
#19 by jrl on April 23, 2014 - 9:41 am
You may go to http://www.jamesrussell.org to keep up with Lingerfelt’s work.
#20 by questforahusband on April 17, 2014 - 1:21 pm
This beautiful. As a woman, choosing to accept all of these (and to reciprocate) is equally as valuable. Divorce is not fun, but if you learn from it and are a better person for it, then it wasn’t the worst thing in the world.
http://www.questforahusband.com
#21 by Derrick on April 13, 2014 - 1:13 pm
Good stuff to “Show Love” for her, absolutely – but in the end or middle – she may want to leave in her freedom for a “new other” – in her changing and growing over time… she is free after all ! 🙂
#22 by bathroom renovation idea on March 28, 2014 - 5:45 pm
Appreciate it. A good amount of advice.
#23 by Been There on March 18, 2014 - 3:15 pm
I seriously give endeavor to Items: #2, #3, and #4 especially. They ARE those items that make me want to try harder every day.
BUT… this advice also sounds like it is only the MAN who should be doing any of this. It hands ALL of the power between the two, to just her. So, depending on her emotional state (mood) she can take it for the moment, and then say “Well, now what will he do for his next trick”… Here prince, here prince”….
Before a Man makes a real and definitive choice, he had better truly see her, for what SHE sees herself as. Does she have a vibrant social life? Are you being made a part of the whole social situation? Does she assure herself that there are always many men in around her social habits? Or, does she favor hanging out with GF’s…which usually connotates a stable and healthy mindset about relationships in the first place. A woman who keeps and maintains LOTS of male (so-called platonic) friendships, usually will not have…that many GF’s, and if they do..most won’t be as attractive as she sees herself. So, the male pals..are a way of keeping their options open? I haev seen some who do this, because they “like to say” OTHER women bring too much drama…when the reality is…. THEY are the ones craving said “drama” and therein lies the reasoning for so many male pals.
Women have just as much responsibility, to the relationship as the man does..if not more. Women have the luxury to pick and choose. Men want to find that one partner who is ready in her own heart and mind….ready to give up the whole process of “letting men chase them” every time they leaev their home and go out in public. And, these days….many simply do NOT think they should EVER have to commit THEMselves in such a way. It is the MAN who has to do that….not them. And, in that mentality…the women will go about blaming the man…FOR EVERYTHING that ever goes wrong.
A woman who constantly blames the man, is someone who should really be on her own, supporting herself.. her own job, her own career, paying all her own bills and taking FULL accounting of exactly where she is..in life. And, the real TRUTH here about any woman who achieves that stance, is it makes them all the more attractive and that much more sexy…to ALL MEN.
One many said he had supported his wife in just about every way he could think of… and still… that just wasn’t enough. TO ME, that means SHE was having an issue with herself…and SHE was the one who bored easily with whomever she might be near…whether that be at work or wherever. I am sure she was probably great at meeting people new…but once the newness wore off, it got boring or took effort to maintain that inner feeling she had first got at the original meeting… a sense of being jaded would set in, and covering up that fact just got tiresome… and so did the friendship or the relationship…because, it was no longer NEW (and the excitement that comes with the NEW).
I applaud women who keep trying over & over. I do NOT applaud any female who thinks it appropriate to blame the man FOR EVERYTHING. Whether they say they are constantly trying or not… blaming them FOR ALL…is a dodge away from holding themselves accountable… for men, in general. No woman should ever saddle any man into a relationship when they cannot absolve themselves of this irritatingly BAD habit.
WHY? Because inherently, these same women will find the NICE guys who do remember that a lady needs a gentlemanly touch… hold the door, hold her hand… say please… compliment her… … all of the above… when, in truth, she is most likely looking for someone who will make it a challenge for her to gain his attention in the first place.. she gets bored once the conquest is over. So, she in essence is more in need of the kind who could seriously care less.. the selfish male… because those same females see that as a challenge…
The List says “never try and change her” … yet, on the other hand..women all the time are trying to change men… like it is some RIGHT they have for themsleves.
Now, I was married for over a decade and for the most part, it was a good union. But, still, many women simply get bored because their level of looking at things is… “Okay, I slept with him… what else is there to know?” Like having sex is the entire ritual and not another thing makes a hill of beans. And, THIS is where women begin “wasting a man’s time with falseness”. And, women do this all the time. I see it constantly. And, after a time, both sides are out in public, FAKING it… probably as much as they are faking it, in the bedroom.
I have no problem complimenting women; being a great listening; asking her how her day went.. showing a true interest in who she wants to be.
But, I have a real issue with women who are never truly up front honest with that man, and they hide that fact all day long by blaming him over and over and over… just because she simply doesn’t have the fortitude to BE HONEST and UP FRONT. This isn’t me having issues with women. This is about us men standing our ground against women who have that bad habit of jumping to trweat the one they have slept with, like doormats, because they just caught eye of another one they’d like to taste and internally these habits help her come up witrh justifiable reasonings.. where he small conscience won’t really bother her… as she does sneak off…. and GIRLS…let’s be real… handing out a free sample every now & then… a large portion of you see no issues with doing so… you split the process of emotional and physical…for exactly THAT reason… YET, you get snippy when another may notice what you go home to (?) and maybe the man liked it (??) so, while you are okay with your social conduct, you don’t really like having to take what you dish out.
I admire a woman who is self supporting. It means she has grit. It also means that IF she is one man only AND they are exclusinve at HER request – actually making this a very real discussion before anything moves to the next step – then, the man KNOWS she is there because SHE WANTS TO BE… and he most likely WON’T have to deal with her constantly blaming him FOR “everything” that might be going wrong.
Yes, the discussion of exclusivity is “incredibly important”… And, here is the reason why.
“”What a woman will do BEFORE the ring… she will most certainly keep doing AFTER she takes those vows.”” And, I hate to admit it….a lot of men will go out of their way to simply NOT look at the facts because they are in love… and they hope SHE will change, settle down, and become who he THINKS she could be. A woman who needs ALL the power in the relationship, is a coward, who will most certainly treat him like a doormat, one way or another, AND she will (yes, you guessed it) BLAME HIM for everything that ever goes wrong.
I actually like the List this man made up. Now, I’d like to see him make up a List of what HE thinks the woman should be making a real effort at…. so that SHE KNOWS she did everything possible to assure it is a success and they both…are not wasting the other’s time.. which neither will never…get back.
#24 by rose on March 21, 2014 - 8:50 am
wow I was married young so sad I miss all that I wish I can go back do it again I miss him I failed
#25 by GDreader on April 9, 2014 - 6:26 pm
TQ for sharing ;))
#26 by Tiffany T. H. on June 23, 2014 - 8:45 pm
I totally agree with everything you just said. I too believe this list should apply just as much to the woman as it does the man, and I think that each individual should be responsible for their own happiness and self worth before entering into any serious relationship. You can’t really love another if you don’t love yourself, and relying on someone else for your happiness is just not fare to anyone. I really like what he said here. I’m glad you realize not all women are created equal, not in a one is better than the other kind of way, but that some have some serious healing on themselves before they can truly be in a healthy and meaningful relationship with honesty, selflessness, and trust. Well said man.
#27 by anonymous on March 18, 2014 - 7:48 am
I find the use of language, such as the word “woman” , in this piece to still make women an object of the males need to prove themselves. The beauty in this piece lies in its awareness not in the authors objectification of an emotionally torturous process on a public forum. Awareness is a beautiful thing…but let me add to this awareness…women don’t like to be called “woman” because it makes us sound like an object..ie: dog. And just the idea that men should be “epic lovers” suggests that women need this love from a man in order to be happy. Here is some more advice – for decades upon decades women have been finding their own way in the world without the “epic love” or saving grace of a man in their life. Maybe, just maybe, the woman you were with was too strong to put up with behaviour that fell short of her own strengths. I am glad you learned something but it is obvious you still have much to learn.
#28 by Anonymous on March 18, 2014 - 8:08 pm
Why would you dream of knocking a man who is clearly taking the responsibility of his actions. Many a woman has put up with a Love life that was no part of her.
#29 by steph on April 9, 2014 - 5:26 pm
im not sure how one turns this in to this man being sexist i think these things should be done by both parties but you cant speak for all “women” your one women and most women would/do find this sweet and touching not sexist!
#30 by Anonymous on March 16, 2014 - 1:55 pm
The most beautifull article I ever read!
#31 by alex@thenextrelationship.com on March 15, 2014 - 12:21 pm
Although I agree that a husband should do all of the above to keep his wife and marriage happy. We should not forget to lose ourselves in the process.
A great marriage or relationship requires two individuals to be at their best. If one partner is putting in all of the effort, it’s inevitable there will be issues.
We also have to remember that in spite of all our efforts to keep our partners happy, it’s ultimately up to them to find that happiness within themselves.
This is coming from a guy that got divorced after 18 years. I share the author’s sentiment.
-Alex
http://thenextrelationship.com
#32 by Anonymous on March 16, 2014 - 9:01 pm
I agree with you on all points. When I read this article though I was reading it from a point of view that I need to do these things for my man as well. I think these are good points for both partners.
#33 by alex@thenextrelationship.com on March 17, 2014 - 9:31 pm
Divorce is difficult for everyone involved. I hope people who are going through it will have faith that it’s not the end of the world. As painful as it is that a chapter is closing, the next chapter will just be as exciting, if we believe.
#34 by Tiffany T. H. on June 23, 2014 - 8:46 pm
So very true!
#35 by questforahusband on March 14, 2014 - 12:20 pm
Wouldn’t it be nice if we knew this before the “I do’s”? My divorce taught me so much about me and my perception of relationships. Someday I will have a chance to do it differently.
http://www.questforahusband.com
#36 by lorna davis on March 14, 2014 - 5:53 am
I found the articlele fasinating and well worth the time it took to read. I realise that this was written from a male perspective and is therefore not saying that us women are flawless and exempt of our own responsibility to love our husbands the very best way we can. Marriage is about two people learning, working, and growing together in a committed relationship with one another that has the possibility of yielding a bountiful harvest of happiness and fulfillment. If the two people in the marriage are completely committed to make themselves vulnerable, and transparent to one another as you yourself indicated in your writing (due to social conditioning is not always easy for men to do) then there is no reason why marriages should not achieve a more positive outcome
#37 by Ruth Walker on March 11, 2014 - 8:03 pm
Wow an amazing story. Im in a marriage and feel unloved my husband seem to support his grown sister and leave me out im stuck in love with him and need to let him go he seem not to care how he treat me and how his sister are destroying our marriage I offered him marriage counseling he reject me im tired of crying and feeling neglected what shall I do with a husband who support hos sister and neglect our marriage.
#38 by Anonymous on April 30, 2014 - 11:56 pm
Ruth, I’d suggest you read created to be his helpmeet by Debi Pearl.
#39 by remember on March 10, 2014 - 11:06 pm
What’s up, just wanted to mention, I enjoyed this article.
It was practical. Keep on posting!
#40 by suri on March 9, 2014 - 8:32 am
I wish I could find a man like this ,,, who has this thoughts exactly as it says.
#41 by prepandbloom on March 8, 2014 - 2:42 pm
Reblogged this on PREP & BLOOM WEDDINGS.
#42 by Geoff on February 27, 2014 - 11:38 am
You have ONE life… and (hopefully) ONE WIFE…. live for them BOTH!
Absolute truth….. as men we become blind by NOT keeping the love in our hearts alive by our actions. After 18 years of marriage and 20 years together… I am (and will forever be) in love with my wife, yet become so emotionally disconnected…. we went through “life”, and I simply failed to “Take Charge”. I wanted and tried to save my wife from even the topic of divorce, yet she refused counseling…. and says she lost her love for me.
Yet EVERY one of these topics hit home….. I lived life “thinking” I was making my wife happy by being devoted, not a sport fan, the chore lead, no guy friends. I became obsessed with trying to simply “do it all”. Men…. you never will win in love (nor life) alone!!
Seek help from other guys, or social media support to help focus on your marriage…..
MEN, your #1 job is your Wife and the Marriage…. beyond work… beyond self… beyond sports!!
And DON’T expect your wife / spouse to always be full-filled…to know and do the next step.
It’s your #1 Job to fight for her, to full fill her with love everyday…. anything……anytime.
If you even struggle with one of the topics above….. get in check and adjust / realign your life and direct it at your WIFE. Be an “Authentic Man” in love and marriage… You WILL see & experience love in return…. and if for some reason it still fails, then you can stand tall and know you were
“ALL IN”.
I look at my 18 years and wonder how it ever made it this far…. she must have loved me and will
be FOREVER in pain of loosing her…. I never gave up, would kiss her cheek / forehead and she wouldn’t pull away. The last time was about 4 weeks ago…. I asked why she didn’t pull away and only said “I know” and left crying. There’s more to the story….and the repercussion of her actions (changes) has made it all even more unbearable to take…. I can’t even publicly remark.
After 4+ months of massive internal conflict and breakdown, she filed for divorce on Feb. 11th… and picked-up summons on Feb. 13th…
For me…. I literally never cried much in 18 years, and now I loose it nearly every day for the past 4+ months. It’s a pain I’d not wish on “ANYONE”…… so young men…. take notice and let this be
an inspiration (and a lesson).
#43 by gilliganxr35 on February 26, 2014 - 8:25 pm
I always remember a scene from the movie “Just Married”. It was after everything went bad on their honeymoon and Ashton Kutcher was at home looking at pictures of himself and Brittney Murphy. The pictures were of them laughing and having fun, basically the good times. His father comes over to him and says something like, you know, no one ever takes pictures of the bad times, but its the bad times that get u from one happy picture to the next. I thought that was very lnsightful.
#44 by David on February 22, 2014 - 3:47 pm
Correction to my previous post: I’ve spent most of the past two years …
#45 by David on February 22, 2014 - 3:40 pm
I’m two years out of a 30 year marriage. I’ve spent much of the past 30 years wondering what I could have done differently and I came up with a similar list. But then I asked the next question: would the outcome have been different if I’d known all of that 32 years ago? Over and over I come to a negative conclusion. My wife brought baggage with her into the marriage that was beyond my ability to touch. So, Mr. Rogers, I suggest that you keep pondering the question and not jump to any conclusions. No doubt that you, like me and every other man out there, could have done better. But that wouldn’t necessarily have changed the outcome. You were, very likely, a far better husband than you’re admitting. Some things are just out of your control.
#46 by enjoycrazy on February 22, 2014 - 6:28 am
Reblogged this on Pride & EnJOY.
#47 by jack on February 23, 2014 - 1:57 am
I am on my fifth marriage. Each time, I think I get a little better at it. Perhaps it just takes is a little practice?
#48 by morijah on February 16, 2014 - 10:08 pm
Reblogged this on MORIJAH.
#49 by Anonymous on February 17, 2014 - 7:55 pm
Reading this was nauseating. Very, very few women are worthy to stand on the pedestal you plant of total supplication an worship. Especially the “modern” American woman. Sadly, your advice turns a man into a cabana boy to be toyed with instead of a MAN to be respected. Love is a two way street. If you play the part of a doormat, then that’s where she will surely wipe her feet.
#50 by Anonymous on February 19, 2014 - 12:35 pm
Yes but remember this is only one side. A relationship takes two people wanting to put the other first, to build each other’s confidence and trust. When you love a woman as described above then she will in turn want to love you in the same way back.
#51 by Tony Head on March 8, 2014 - 6:49 pm
Couldn’t agree more. That’s not a relationship he’s describing.like the comedian once said,”my wife treats me like a king………here king…here king.”
#52 by Anonymous on March 14, 2014 - 5:35 am
Ahh but thats your problem right there…
You are your number one priority? Ask yourself “What attracted u to your wife? What did u hope to gain from marrying her? What sacrifice did u make in your marriage? What is your view of love? Did u know that in order to receive love u must first be willing to give it away? Did you try to fix your wife or try to get her to love u how u wanted to be loved rather than loving he yourself? Did you focus on her strength rather than her weakness?are u suggesting that u did not bring any baggage to the marriage yourself? If not why did u find it so hard to love someone whom u implied needed your love and acceptance. Did u really accept her or did u pick holes in her?
#53 by Anonymous on March 14, 2014 - 6:22 am
So true. Wake up men. Women also want strength and leadership. Not a Cabana boy.
#54 by Nefi Prosperity on March 16, 2014 - 11:37 am
Can I just say I agree wholeheartedly with this statement (I’m female) and my thought as I read was that his was terrible advice for most men because the women they are with would create the most unhealthy dysfunctional relationships if they upheld all of this as law.
#55 by Paul on February 9, 2014 - 2:04 pm
I was married 10 years with 2 children. I’m in the process of getting divorced after I found out my wife was with another man. I realize it takes two to tango but I felt that I put in a lot of work to keep my wife happy. It wasn’t just gifts or material items, but I supported her in her career, her family and her own ambitions. In the end it wasn’t enough. I agree with some of the comments that society itself has stained the minds of women, now days there more consumed with their appearance than keeping their family together. I joke with my friends when I say that the housewives show has confused women about what is reality and what is make believe. I think the media has done a good job in the last 30 years imasculating men. I mean before the 70’s men were portrayed differently in the media, then all of sudden we are the goofy dads who have no say in family matters. Women have just come to a point where they don’t respect good men. Marriage is partnership, each person makes sacrifices for the better of each other. They expect us to take them to nice dinners, gifts, take care of the bills, but when you ask for one cooked meal a month all hell breaks loose. That’s why divorce is so high in this country, women and men have forgotten their roles in a marriage. I’m not saying women should cook or clean, men should do that to, but if one person is taking on a certain amount of responsibilities than the other should do the same. I would just tell every man on this site and the world, don’t get married and if you do, go to a country where men and women’s roles in a marriage have not been poisoned by such shows as the “housewives”.
#56 by Nilesh Sharma on February 26, 2014 - 1:37 pm
Paul, I perfectly agree with your view. Society itself has stained the minds of women and they are more consumed with their appearance then keeping their family together.
I got married and now i curse the very day when the thought of marriage came to my mind. It’s very hurting, even a men in the society don’t understand the trouble of a fellow men until and unless they get married or come across such a situation.
#57 by Anonymous on March 1, 2014 - 3:27 pm
Nuff said..!!
#58 by wrongjohn on February 1, 2014 - 5:03 pm
imagine this article genderless.. it would be more powerful and gain more allies on both sides
#59 by khale on June 19, 2014 - 6:03 pm
thank you
#60 by Anonymous on February 1, 2014 - 1:39 am
Thank you
#61 by jrl on February 1, 2014 - 10:57 am
We love little comments like that -JRL
#62 by Alvaro Moreno on January 31, 2014 - 9:20 pm
This is awesome stuff. Really wish I could’ve read this a long time ago. Losing someone even just temporarily can real take you on a roller coaster if pain and sorrow. Defenetly worth the time reading this and this is something that I’m willing to have with me at all times for reference.
#63 by Anonymous on January 30, 2014 - 7:05 pm
I lost my one true love a year ago she was everything to me I loved her with every ounce of my soul and her and the amazing children we made lovingly together was my whole purpose in life I felt I belonged for the first ever time in my life she made me feel like I deserved the air that I breathed everyday and longed to be with her til my last breath takes me from this world I would have died in the blink off an eye to save her from harm and rip my heart from my body if she would have ever wanted me too she made me whole now I am just lost and feel empty never to feel whole again never to feel the warmth of her touch upon my face the softness of her lips to meet mine and feel the warmth of her rush through my heart soul body and mind so please to everyone out there don’t waste what special someone you have in your life treasure it and don’t be like me to never feel worth anything or loved ever again I wish everyday I could turn back time and be wanted but that can never be so i must wonder on lost forever more
#64 by junZ on January 29, 2014 - 11:03 pm
lol…. i just read all this pile of crap with a bryan adams song in my head.
this only works if some lines haven’t been crossed yet. doesn’t apply to everybody i guess.
some men are just way past the recovery stage.
#65 by Betteroffsingle on January 29, 2014 - 1:17 am
While the sentiment of the piece is admirable, altruism, taken to an extreme is damaging.
My 18-year marriage ended because she simply lost respect for me and took me for granted. When I sensed problems in the marriage, she always said she was fine so they were just MY problems to deal with. So I did. Been divorced 9 years now, and if I had to do it all over again, I’d never have gotten married in the first place. I tell my sons and my daughter to avoid marriage, if they want to be truly happy.
#66 by Paul on February 9, 2014 - 1:47 pm
Couldn’t agree more. When your wife doesn’t respect you it’s pointless to walk around and throw roses at her feet. No matter how much you do, it will never be enough, just move on and be glad you got rid of her.
#67 by tips to save marriage on January 27, 2014 - 6:21 pm
very wonderful post thnaks
#68 by knoxtn on February 12, 2014 - 12:05 pm
Respect is earned not given! Did you “respect” your wife?
#69 by Jovan on February 17, 2014 - 1:59 pm
I agree. One can’t demand respect. It is earned.
#70 by FaceBook on January 24, 2014 - 3:03 pm
after reading the women’s
Comments-I had had enough after #17-‘Caroline’ is a man, people!!!!!
#71 by photographer on January 20, 2014 - 8:55 am
When I originally commented I appear to have clicked on the -Notify me
when new comments are added- checkbox and from now on whenever
a comment is added I recieve 4 emails with the same comment.
Is there a way you can remove me from that service?
Kudos!
#72 by jrl on January 20, 2014 - 9:05 am
Hi Photographer, find your original comment and delete it. That’s the only way. If that still doesn’t work, try deleting all the comments you’ve made on this article. Receiving four emails every time sounds very frustrating. -JRL
#73 by Sumit on January 16, 2014 - 10:55 pm
We all need to feel & understand the meaning of this quote…
Most people get married believing a myth that marriage is beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for; Companionship, intimacy, friendship etc … The truth is, that marriage at the start is an empty box, you must put something in before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage, love is in people, and people put love in marriage. There is no romance in marriage, you have to infuse it into your marriage. A couple must learn the art, and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising, of keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty.
As per me..nothing other than EGO can let your relationship down. I know sometime u might find it difficult, but the day u will learn that it’s not difficult but challenging, you will live everyday as u never did ever..
Love is in the air.
#74 by Namewithheld. on January 14, 2014 - 10:28 pm
I have been married for 17.5 years, we have our up and down momments and as time goes by there are frequents down momments that causing me pain, I feel that the relationship is in the process/progress of reaching it natural end date, not sure when it will be but I lack the will to hang on as time go by. Your article sounds very nice but I don’t think most of it practical.
#75 by Steven Dimiris on January 12, 2014 - 10:33 am
Signed divorce papers on New Year’s Eve this made me cry and. Feel like a loser
#76 by Hannah on February 6, 2014 - 10:13 am
You can own your future and make choices for your heart and happiness. No doubt for those of us who have loved and loss, such profound and real words speak not just to our minds but to our hearts. And if ones heart is wounded by the inability to love someone you love and the misunderstandings that life brings us, then such an article is salt to our wounds.
You can be happy, use those tears to shed your pain and grow into the person you wish to be.
#77 by JoJo on January 10, 2014 - 2:03 pm
Love is a verb. The hebrew word for it is actually “giving”.
LOVE IS WHAT LOVE DOES.
#78 by play games for girls on January 9, 2014 - 6:58 pm
You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but
I find this matter to be actually something which I think I would never understand.
It seems too complicated and extremely broad for me. I’m looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!
#79 by Anonymous on January 8, 2014 - 8:14 am
This seems to me like a post written by a woman disguised as a man. We live in a world where mens needs and wants have been destroyed in the name of female freedom and liberation. Although I love and respect women I have noticed that women all over the world have become hostile and aggressive towards Thank you for your message. It is true what you say however divorcing is not that easy since she is supported by me financially. This means that she is not working and taking care of the child. This makes my decision even harder. I don’t think she loves me but she is not leaving either. I assume it is because she has no other other better options and she is somehow compromising, exactly as I do.
Yes I do know that I should bail out but there are difficulties along the way. i will not see my child often, I will be the ones who gets blamed for leaving. I ave mixed emotions. Even I do want to leave i am thinking of my responsibilities as a father and my daughters future opinion of me as a father who abandoned her and her mother. i do recognize that leaving early is better than staying, but we don’t fight or have arguments. We just live in the same house and routine has taken over everything. needs and wants. It is somehow an unspoken global conspiracy against males walking this earth. Very well I understand where women are coming from but really do you think that by shooting at men makes you as a women a better person? women call men pigs but wait a second. Its nature that made men pigs and bitches who play with innocent boys turn men into pigs. Its the same nature that made women more sensitive and emotional. But who are you to judge the very nature of a man and his basic instinct for freedom, polygamy, free sex and self control? Really all women wish is to turn men into slaves. men of the world wake up and up rise against female tyranny all over the world. We live in a new world where metrosexuals, LGBT and questioning of human sexuality has taken a lot of our brain energy. Men need to reclaim their long forgotten needs for unlimited sex, freedom and power. It is a mans instinct to be a hunter, a breadwinner, a gatherer and a survivor. Women had denied their role as mothers in the name of freedom but found themselves in a trap by trying to replace men. When nature makes you a women learn your role and play the advantages of your sex. But denying the role of your sex only brings trouble.
yes men also need to love and be loved but slavery is not an option.
#80 by PGail on January 8, 2014 - 11:06 am
You really seem to have issues. What’s your deal? You don’t appear to be genuine and have trust issues. Especially where women are concerned. If it helps someone then it is pro marriage and positive rather than negative and damaging. It’s too easy to walk away. And so many people run! Catch up from the past since that’s where you are stuck. See the good and let the bad go. Resentment kills. We try to live without regrets and it’s not an easy world. Everyone lives a unique situation. Seeking help in any form is affirmation that one is trying. If you have utilized all you have and it’s a no go then you won’t have regrets. That’s not to say that the other partner won’t. You both have to give 100%. It can’t be done alone. Trust and full disclosure for your souls peace. Ask those who have done it! Cheers. P
#81 by Anonymous on January 29, 2014 - 12:54 am
Read The Flipside of Feminism by Suzanne Venker. There are still women out there who value men as they were created. You’ll find one. Or have your wife read it.
#82 by Costas on January 30, 2014 - 7:19 pm
I love women but when it’s over they do become hostile the fangs and claws come out I was married 171/2 years I. Signed divorce papers on New Year’s Eve we had 4 beautiful children I was close to them all now she is slowly turning the oldest ones against me I. Will never get married again
#83 by PGail on January 7, 2014 - 9:14 pm
It’s wonderful to share what he has learned. He couldn’t get it together with the wife. Hasn’t she been affected by it as well? It’s so sad when we don’t put the other person first and foremost. Some people care not for what they can do but would rather stew at what they “think” they don’t have. Thank you for being courageous and writing this article. You bear a lot of troth and a lot of angry people keep the anger so then they can never be happy again. Even in future relationships. In order for it to work it has to be lied tidied and let go of! You are courage sand it seems we all learn this the head way. I don’t want a divorce and yet my partner keeps threatening it. I hope he reads this. I’m at the point where I can’t hold on. And there nothing I can do. He doesn’t listen to me. I’ve said all this to him and he has attacked me of criticizing him. So maybe if he reads another mans view? What is a broken woman to do? Get better. I can’t make him or me happy. You mailed it. We make ourselves happy. You chose to be happy! So anyone blaming their partner. Look at yourself everyday and see what you did for your ,arriage! Sincerely. Thank you
#84 by Lloyd's of Rochester on January 7, 2014 - 12:24 pm
Reblogged this on Lloyd's of Rochester – an Eclectic blog and commented:
Relationships – we want them, but do we have what it takes to maintain them? Here is some wisdom and insight to keep your marriage alive. Read and heed.
#85 by check this out on January 6, 2014 - 4:59 am
I like checking your internet site. thnx!
#86 by Lou on January 3, 2014 - 9:01 am
So this is saying. .guys its all your fault.
#87 by PGail on January 8, 2014 - 11:15 am
„Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success.” Brian Adams
#88 by gl on March 1, 2014 - 2:53 pm
Well said
#89 by Ray on January 1, 2014 - 9:27 pm
If this isn’t some article by a women masquerading as a man then this guy needs to grow a pair.
Reading it, it sounds like he only blames himself. It wreaks of defeatism and self loathing.
If I could give any advice to men, I would say this: Don’t try to change someone else, you can only control yourself. And finally: Love Often, Engage seldom, Marry NEVER.
Marriage in this day and age is like signing a contract to screw yourself over because if you get divorced shell get at least half of your assets. And likely alimony and child support ( her pay check) even if it was her that ruined the marriage.
Marriage is 1950’s and previous. It’s 2014.
Men, reclaim your manhood, grow a pair and wake up to the times!
Good luck.
#90 by Mary Gragg on January 7, 2014 - 5:35 pm
People like yourself are the reason divorces happen. This is not a gender war. What he is saying can apply to the woman as well. It’s not about a power struggle or “growing a pair” . If anything this man sounds like he has a HUGE set considering he is looking within himself to find answers as to why his marriage ended. Perhaps it was not “all his fault’ however he is admitting what he would have done differently. He is taking responsibility for his actions and his future. He sounds like a true man. Unlike yourself who is still looking for his balls.
#91 by Dr Killpatient on January 15, 2014 - 6:24 am
If it applies also to a woman, then why isn’t he pointing this out?
He is publicly castrating and emasculating himself for everyone to see. This kind of behavior does not sound like a man and should not be tolerated by other men. Of course women like you will cheer him for behaving like D!ckless Wonder he is
Only in La-La Land is one person to blame for a marriage coming to an end. His spouse should be made to bear the responsibility as well.
Marriage serves the interest of women much more than it does men. Men give up a lot more freedoms than women do. And what little is left is taken from them by divorce courts and given to a woman. Mind you, between 70-90% of divorces are initiated by women. A man would have to be an idiot to get married in this time and age.
Have we ever seen an article where a woman blames herself for the marriage coming to an end? NO. And we NEVER will, because women are incapable of this degree of self-criticism. It is much more likely to see women blaming the men for everything that happened to them.
If he doesn’t stop blaming himself for everything that happened, he is setting himself up for another failure.
#92 by Anonymous on January 7, 2014 - 6:06 pm
Nailed.
#93 by Serendwr on January 20, 2014 - 9:07 am
Marriage serves the interests of the so-called ‘beta male’ far more than women. Only in a society which constricts women to the role of chattel do women require marriage. Monogamy and marriage serve the interests of the ‘beta’ male by guaranteeing him sexual access to at least one woman and, historically, control of all her assets financial, skills, child bearing, and so forth. The myth that marriage and monogamy serve women continues the manipulation that women should feel incomplete and incompetent if she isn’t part of a long term marriage contract, part of the ‘divide and conquer’ mentality.
#94 by Anonymous on January 29, 2014 - 10:14 am
Someone hates men!
#95 by Andrea Vibe on December 28, 2013 - 1:33 pm
Beautiful. Rather than assigning blame, I’ve learned to take responsibility for my part as well. I would still be with my husband if I treated him like the Rock Star he deserves to be treated. I pray I don’t repeat the same mistakes.
#96 by JD on January 6, 2014 - 5:58 pm
@ Ray – Err yes, it’s 2014 so why assume that marriage screws men over- women earn their own money these days and I know plenty of men that have screwed a woman for her assets! It’s a very 1950’s comment assuming that men have assets and woman are asset strippers via marriage!
Ps you sound bitter – maybe nobody ever wanted to marry you!
#97 by Michelle on January 7, 2014 - 3:22 am
@Andre:
I will, nicely, part company with you. God commanded that we marry. God designed marriage and the family before He invented the church. God said
that it’s not good for a man to be alone (and it’s not), that he should leave his
parents and cleave to his wife, and that they should forsake all others.
I can, off the top of my head, name 50 awesome marriages (young couples,
middle-aged couples, elderly couples).
Great marriages are God-centered.
Talk to long-time Christians about their great marriages.
#98 by Julius Caesar on December 26, 2013 - 8:34 pm
Two reasons for me to remain single for life.
I The advantages of being single are more attractive than the advantages of being married.
II I am male but not attracted to any female homo sapien, regardless of race, figure, ethnicity, citizenship, skin tone, language or religion.
Thank you for you time.
谢谢观看。
Vielen dank für ihre zeitgeist und achtung
#99 by Joe Joeseph on December 25, 2013 - 11:23 pm
This is directed at the man to make the marriage work. Sorry but it won’t work unless the woman does too.
#100 by Mary Gragg on January 7, 2014 - 5:39 pm
The article was not intended to address women and what they can do. This is a man who is saying what he COULD have done. Take the article for what it is. A great man admitting his faults and committing to improve himself and hoping someone else will read this and do the same. ( male or female alike. ) everyone knows it takes two to tango deary. appreciate the article for what he wrote it for.
#101 by Shannon on February 19, 2014 - 8:36 am
Thank you!!!! Why are people not seeing this! Your comment should be on the top as a disclaimer!
#102 by anonymous on July 20, 2014 - 12:36 pm
Writing it from the man’s perspective only is like writing a recipe but leaving out key ingredients.
Some women are reading this and going “a-ha, my man does not do this and that’s why our marriage failed or is failing.” Some commentators are showing this article to their husband and saying, “See, here is our problem.”
A recipe for a good marriage require tremendous amounts of effort and goodwill by two parties. If you’re going to leave out half of the recipe, the end result in any endeavor will be a failure.
#103 by Angela Mueller on December 21, 2013 - 2:59 am
this is exactly what I’ve been trying to tell my husband of 27 years for 27 years and now I am leaving because he can’t hear me with his heart
#104 by Jason on December 21, 2013 - 12:27 am
Please read this article
#105 by momshellalexandra on December 19, 2013 - 9:30 am
Reblogged this on momshelllifestyle and commented:
Beautiful Insight into Love.
#106 by Anonymous on December 19, 2013 - 12:12 am
Really interesting history learned alot👍
#107 by rob on December 13, 2013 - 10:10 am
I wish I had done this I lost my 12year relaship and 3kids because I didn’t realize how she feelt I allways trusted that she was happy as she looked happy we always appreciated each outher but now its gone.. been 5weeks now if I get her bak I remember wat I just read.. Cheers n hopefully u find wat u had be
#108 by james on December 13, 2013 - 3:41 am
I love your commentary. and I wish to have more posted to my Gmail Address. I am still single, but in a relationship with a girl where are relation has a problem of divorce! what will I do not to allow what happen to her parents to happen to us when we get marry.?
#109 by Anonymous on December 12, 2013 - 5:34 am
i wish all men could read this
#110 by Karen Markey on December 11, 2013 - 11:39 pm
I read the first few paragraphs of this in a friends post. Honestly I don’t have the time or inclination to read more. Based on what I read…Game playing is a waste of time, whether it be with a loved one, family or friends. Unless it is an enjoyed past time.Once trust is lost, it’s lost. Period! How many times are you suppose to re-trust someone? Sorry is not a popular word in my family. Our interpretation is “sorry I got caught.” (and you can use that for any problematic situation in your family, such as, gambling, abuse, lying, cheating, spending and so on). Most every action is done consciously. Life is too short, deal and move on. If someone in your life is not helping you and bringing you joy they are hurting you. That means they are a splinter to you. Remove them and move on! Have confidence in yourself, You do not need to be around people that put you down or don’t like you. (They are your splinter) You will never please people that don’t like you. Take away their power trip and write them off. No matter how hard you try, not everyone will like each other, that’s just human nature. So if you gave it the old college try and it’s still not working don’t feel guilty, feel good that you tried. There is only so much you can do before it becomes a write off! End it with the thoughts of “their loss.” because it is.!!!
#111 by Anonymous on December 13, 2013 - 11:55 pm
that’s the truth!!
#112 by tyrannychronicles on December 15, 2013 - 11:18 am
Wow, it must be great not make mistakes.
#113 by Anonymous on December 16, 2013 - 6:21 pm
Everyone in my family both sides mother and father have been married all their lives. I’ve seen time and time again how my parents and relatives get close to divorce even move out but they all have always worked it all out in the end so what I know very well is people that follow through on their sacred oath “till death do us part” and so i have the advantage of comparing this to “everyone else” which I usually say to refer to modern society that unlike what I have grown to know “everyone else” simply packs up and leaves without second thought. It doesn’t work like that. But yeah without going too deep into comparing the differences between the two I’ll finish this brief comment with saying that you don’t say till death do us part under the oath of God unless you really mean it if not just move in together and be a couple have a couple babies and live under the same roof or separate roofs until you decide to move on because if you walk into the marriage already thinking of life as chapters in a book then all that marriage will be is just another chapter in the middle of the book with its own beginning and end.
#114 by Anonymous on December 16, 2013 - 10:52 pm
Than you should take the words “hope and faith” out of your vocabulary also…
Everyone makes mistakes even you… Learn to trust again but give it 100% this time and you will see magic will work itself to you.
#115 by T.Velez on December 21, 2013 - 12:28 pm
I believe it’s too painful for you to hear. Maybe you are the person failing to adhere to the advice given?
#116 by Linus on February 18, 2014 - 8:48 pm
Well put. I have only once had to deal with someone that was dishonest with me in a relationship. When she asked for forgiveness I said something along the lines of, “In time I will forgive you. However, while your infidelity MIGHT say something about our relationship, it speaks volumes about your integrity.” As soon as it came out of my mouth I looked around and realized basically what you’ve said above. Unfortunate I had to see that close up. Moving on.
#117 by Julius Caesar on December 11, 2013 - 3:07 am
This may sound very odd but …. Sex is boring. It seriously ain’t not fun at all !
#118 by Julius Caesar on December 11, 2013 - 2:53 am
I have taken vows of lifelong celibacy and chastity. I am not supposed to have that sort of relationship or get married even if marriage may be rewarding. I must honor my word otherwise it will be against my conscience. I may become a monk or priest soon.
#119 by Anny on December 7, 2013 - 7:44 pm
Nice advice. Thank you for sharing this great tip. Not all women are the same you know? Some women are cold but some are hot. That’s right. I don’t think every woman is the same as men. American women are very supportive to men which they don’t usually depend on their men. They let their men do freely what they want to do. An American girl is dependent so she won’t want to change his guy. She can leave the guy if she does not like or love him anymore. International women are usually submissive so they can change. American women are supportive but it is hard to make them change.
#120 by Annika on December 4, 2013 - 12:35 pm
everything I have done to him, he never satisfied, even I gave him the best I could give to my husband he always hurt my heart, and the end he runaway with another women, young and beautiful, he never consider me worth.
#121 by Nisa on December 19, 2013 - 4:37 pm
Same here my marriage life is in hell after 16 years just because of another woman I did everything for him everyday he made me cry he told me to not to talk to my family I leave my family for him I never ask him where are you going ?what are you doing there ?I fully trust him . Just 4 weeks back I found him with another woman I still love him so much but I m so unlucky 😦
#122 by ericaligenza on December 4, 2013 - 10:08 am
I really loved this read! I think it’s totally applicable to guys and girls alike…I can appreciate this tenfold. Thank you for unabashedly sharing your thoughts.
Erica
http://ericaligenza.wordpress.com
LATEST POST: http://ericaligenza.wordpress.com/2013/12/04/when-you-think-youve-found-the-one/
#123 by Conrald Eve on December 4, 2013 - 6:54 am
i want to get my ex back get pass my breakup
#124 by MW on December 3, 2013 - 7:19 pm
James,
Thank you for this, I wish I had found it years ago. I recently divorced after 11 years of marriage to a beautiful woman who loved me. I broke all of your rules every day and eventually I lost her love. I don’t know how I will forgive myself, but I hope more people read this and never take for granted the ones they love like I did.
#125 by Vennah on December 2, 2013 - 8:13 am
As i read about this i could only think of the love of my life’soldier boy’….unfortunately he married another.Things happen in funny way.It’s exactly 9 days after the wedding and i so much want to share this with him.Please email me a copy because despite everything,i want him to be the happiest man and things to work out for him.This would be so right for him.
#126 by cars on November 28, 2013 - 1:34 am
My spouse and I stumbled over here different web page and thought I should check things out.
I like what I see so now i am following you. Look forward to looking at your web page
repeatedly.
#127 by jrl on November 28, 2013 - 9:54 am
Thank you. Our review on the film “About Time,” see link below, is something we’re proud of because we all loved the movie. -JRL
https://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/11/26/about-time-movie-review-5-reasons-you-should-watch-it/
#128 by DI on November 20, 2013 - 6:15 am
Reblogged this on Children's Rights.
#129 by Mia Amoure on November 20, 2013 - 12:36 am
Reblogged this on MyPeachyMia and commented:
I could not stop the tears from rolling down my checks while reading this. So much hope and so many dreams could have been kept alive if only my children’s father had been able to take this advice. From someone went from never wanting to marry, to being swept away in marriage, to struggling with the reality of marriage, finally giving up on it just so all the noise and drama would just end already, to now, looking back after a few years, I have seen all angles and perspectives. I don’t know if I could’ve changed him or the outcome by trying harder and doing things differently. Maybe if I would have followed this advice, we would still be together. Either way, I would at least know for sure that I did everything I could. I would not forever be wondering. I thought I had done all that I could but after reading this post, I just don’t know that I did.
#130 by peter on November 18, 2013 - 3:44 am
very very nice. its the best thing i have ever read. i would love to have a copy of that notice… please send me a copy so that i can read it every single day…
#131 by Ed O'Meara on December 6, 2013 - 6:38 am
Copy and paste?
#132 by Tina on November 17, 2013 - 1:56 pm
Ur advice made me shed uncontrollable tears. (sobs) if only little attention could bee given to partners, a lot of broken homes wouldn’t have emerged. May God bless u and give reunite u both cus am sure ur wife might have read this. Or may God give u a 2nd chance to practice this awesome feelings and actions to another wife. Goodluck.
#133 by anonymous on November 16, 2013 - 5:40 pm
As a woman who has been married for 17 years (we’ve been together for 21), it breaks my heart to read this article. So sad. While it’s moving to see a man writing so tenderly about how to care for his wife, as a wife I recognize that it’s of paramount importance to take care of our husbands in this way, as well.
While my husband and I have a pretty good thing going (and lately it has been *amazing*), it hasn’t been without our rough patches, some of which were extraordinarily tough. In truth, some nearly brought us to separation, or at the very least – emotional separation.
The only thing I want to add (the result of some hard-earned wisdom) is to implore both husbands and wives to open their ears and REALLY hear what the other is saying. Not just listen….but HEAR (and if I could bold that and underline it a few times, I would…). If your spouse has been quietly and patiently telling you for years and years that a very specific thing you do (or don’t do) is causing slow-but-very-real damage to your relationship, be willing to change that thing.
This is the one thing that came the closest to eroding my marriage to the point of no return…I’d been patiently and sincerely (and *respectfully*) asking my husband to stop doing something specific. No, maybe it wasn’t a life-threatening behavior (but it certainly could have led to a marriage-ending behavior), and maybe it made his life a little less “fun” to stop doing it…but it was something he could surely live without doing and it was making me question his integrity as far as the fidelity of our marriage was concerned, so, without going into details, suffice it to say that I was totally within the boundaries of “only make reasonable requests” of my spouse.
So, for about 18 years I asked and asked and asked (not every day or anything, lol…but maybe 3 or 4 times a year or so – and then sometimes not for years at a time…but I would ask at times when this type of conduct was causing yet another problematic situation…)…and he continued, continued, continued. I asked him to stop face-to-face, I asked him in heartfelt letters, I asked him on Facebook (LOL!! – in private messages only), sometimes I asked him in sadness, sometimes I asked him in anger, and sometimes I asked him in tears!
It finally came to a head recently when his, what many would probably consider not entirely unacceptable behavior, created a situation where it looked like he might be really be cheating or something, I pointed out to him how it looked when viewed as a whole and FINALLY he got it. FINALLY!! And then all of the sudden he was freaked and couldn’t believe how much this one aspect of his conduct had damaged my perception of who he was and caused me to sincerely, deeply question how much he loved me or cared about me or respected my feelings (especially since it turned out he really wasn’t doing anything particularly deal-breaking).
And I was like, “I’ve been saying this for 18 freaking years!!”
So now things are improving SO much on EVERY level of our relationship (and honestly, we’ve had many, many good stretches of time during our two decades together)….but I mean, he almost ruined our marriage over something so stupid and unnecessary. Because, I was to the point where I felt that if he really needed this bit of conduct in his life, then he could have it – but I wasn’t sticking around to endure the anguish and doubt created by it once the youngest of our children was grown (which is just a few years from now).
So, my best bit of advice is to say…..don’t be thick-headed. When your spouse is saying the same thing over and over…HEAR it. And if what you’re being asked to do, or *not* do, feels inconvenient or unfair to you (because you’re acting like a big, fat, selfish baby), think about what you’d rather lose…the bit of conduct you’re being asked to change, or your entire marriage. Because, you can have either one…but in many cases, you’re not going to be able to hold on to both.
#134 by Kay on November 13, 2013 - 10:41 pm
I read ur article and I do wish that all men think like u.
#135 by joyce on November 13, 2013 - 6:16 pm
After reading this, I think I had a different reaction than most, and some of the most emotionally intelligent men that I know encouraged me to write the woman’s corollary, for a male audience.
Many men were infuriated by the article, and to the male readership who did not stumble upon the article unassisted, I have two messages: first, an apology on behalf of any women who pounced on the opportunity to adopt a shiny new wishlist, and made sure you took notice, be it in your inbox, on your desk, posted in your Facebook feed, stuck to your fridge, or laid on your pillow. I doubt the author meant for his words to be abused in this way. Second: men, it *doesn’t* all rest on you. Both people need to take 100% ownership and I believe there’s an equally tall list to be directed at women wanting the faintest chance at being the recipient of the kind of love described in that letter.
When I read the list, I felt compelled to reflect on my own experiences and mistakes over the same sixteen years, and I was inspired to write the woman’s corollary. Like him, I don’t claim to be a relationship expert. I am far from it, but after seven epic failures including two ending in court, I think I’ve accrued a few pointers that I would offer to the me of sixteen years past, and I wanted to share the letter I wrote myself in case it resonates with others. I know if I had practiced half of this I might have saved myself a few rounds of serial monogamy, or at least left fewer hearts in my wake.
Ten points:
1. Love him inside out. Stop evaluating him against a laundry list of checkboxes. It’s not about who he is or what he’s accomplished. It’s about why he is and what continues to shape him. Get to know these things. Take any characteristics that could be read from his drivers license or his resume and drop them for a minute. It’s fine for these traits to earn him extra credit admiration points, but what remains when they’re stripped away is what I’d hope you’re in love with. This is the essence of him. No badges, stripes, degrees, or supplemental initials required. A checklist doesn’t make a man. Love him from the inside out, not from outside in.
2. Stop trying to change him. If he’s let you underneath the hood to reveal his core, you’ve earned a privilege and inherited a responsibility. He’s opened himself up so you can embrace what’s inside, not remodel it. So allow him the space to just be. Find ways to adjust your own habits and preferences to accommodate his tendencies. Learn to fully accept everything he is despite your initial inclinations. You don’t need to like something to accept it. Open your mind and your heart will follow. Allowance, accommodation, and acceptance will lead to appreciation, and ultimately to admiration. Love him as he is, not for what you think or wish he could become.
3. Take care of yourself. He’s with you because he’s found you attractive. Both inside AND out. There’s no need to be camera-ready at all times, but have the discipline for basic maintenance. Stay in shape. Be presentable. Don’t force his imagination into overdrive to recall the woman who caught his eyes that very first time. At whatever age, give him a reason to be proud to point you out across the room and say “yup that’s my wife!” Take care of yourself on the inside too. Find the activities that enliven your inner spirit. Seek out the girlfriends that provide emotional support. Identify outlets for venting frustrations. Lean on him where he’s your best suited pillar, but don’t expect him to meet your every need; no one person can do that. Take responsibility for self-care.
4. Make space. Know that he needs time off, both with you and FROM you. Be available as a playmate – a ready companion for recreational activities you both enjoy, and be available as a life mate – ready to hold down the fort with a cheerful sendoff as he drives off for a weekend with friends or takes a retreat of solitude. Take time off together, time off apart, and time off with others. Respect that his friends and family are part of him and don’t impinge on or expect to replace them. Make space for them too, free from judgments. Leave latitude. Don’t smother. Lay off. Make space.
5. Join him sexually. Let the walls down. Lose the rules. Be ready to receive, open to explore, and willing to rewrite the playbook. Be an active and enthusiastic participant. Tell him how he can own you, and let him carry you away. Envelop him in your softness and femininity. Ask him about his fantasies that you can fulfill together, and make certain he knows he’s the only object of yours. Be willing to be vulnerable and trust him to honor your body and guard your sex life from unwanted externalities. Savor him, and join him in charting a sexual journey that is uniquely your own.
6. Stop keeping score. Your scoreboard isn’t the same as his anyway, so keeping tabs is a waste of energy that will only leave you feeling resentful, him feeling unappreciated, and both of you shortchanged. Your life together is not a negotiation. You’re on the same team, and as such, there is no quid pro quo. Choose to be grateful; there is no gesture too small to warrant notice and no kindness too insignificant to extend. Make concessions freely, with no strings attached. Absorb transgressions with grace, not vengeance. And as you recall the past, allow revisionist history to work in your favor. Nobody is ahead… you’re in it together.
7. Be his biggest fan (and make sure he knows it.) Celebrate every victory, big or small, and be an eager repository of past wins. Show support by being a partner in problem solving, a nonjudgmental sounding board for off-the-wall ideas, and an active feedback mechanism for processing daily trials and tribulations. Make space to absorb losses. He may fall short of a goal of his, but make sure he knows he hasn’t failed you. Like a finely calibrated locker room coach, know when to encourage, when to push, and when to stay silent, but cheer him on – unconditionally.
8. Don’t make him guess. He’s not privy to the conversations occurring in your head. Don’t expect him to be a mind-reader or to “just know.” Set aside pretense and pride; just be vulnerable and voice your feelings nakedly and gently. Make your world an eggshell-free zone into which he can safely enter, so he doesn’t have to guess at what is or isn’t happening in there.
9. Drop the expectations. Both of him and of your relationship. If you’ve got a vision in your head of how he “ought to” treat you, talk to you, or love you, and you’re constantly testing him against your bars, then you’re the one that’s failed. At all the aforementioned points. Expectations by nature are selfish and unfair. At low levels they suffocate appreciation, and when unrealistically high they invite disappointment, creating fodder for resentment and contempt. So drop the demands, the comparisons, the judgments, the if-only’s, and learn to appreciate what is.
10. Never get lazy. Never take him for granted. He’s choosing to be with you every day, so respect that, and enjoy your time with him. No matter what you think his behavior may warrant, talk to him as you would your best friend – not your child, not your staff, not your parents. This means leading with kindness, egality, and acceptance. Work to love well. Every minute, every day.
This is not meant as a comprehensive guide, and certainly doesn’t cover what i’d consider to be the basics of human to human interaction. It’s just a collection of challenges and lessons i’ve come across over sixteen years of committed relationships and eight years of marriage. I’ve recorded them as a reminder to myself, recognizing that i’ve still got time to get it right. And so do any of you reading this.
Before I invite the same criticism as Gerald’s letter elicited, let me acknowledge that yes, this IS written as a one-sided guide. Because, ladies, this isn’t about you, or getting what you want. This is about him, and giving him what he needs. (That said, master this art and see if it doesn’t reap you rich rewards).
#136 by G on November 14, 2013 - 8:02 am
Well stated and very much appreciated.
Thank you.
#137 by Anonymous on November 20, 2013 - 11:05 am
Yes yes yes!!!!that is an awesome eye opener for some women.
#138 by joyce on November 26, 2013 - 1:58 pm
thanks – i have yet to get a female reaction as I sort of shared with a male readership in mind (ironic but true); appreciate you taking the time to read!
#139 by Aaron on November 22, 2013 - 9:31 pm
Absolutely brilliant. Thank you so much for writing that. You’re awesome!
#140 by TVZ on November 25, 2013 - 7:45 pm
As a 26 year old, young man, I thoroughly appreciate this vantage point being offered. With my whole being, I feel that both “articles” (in quotes because this is a response article) are valid both ways (but acknowledge they are for specific sexes for obvious reasons). Thank you both for your contributions…very well put. Joyce – from “younger” to “older” – I have a momentary crush. 🙂
#141 by joyce on November 26, 2013 - 2:01 pm
hey watch it TVZ… not sure how i feel about being called “older” 😉 but thanks for the kind words and i’m glad you’re reading this stuff so early in life!
#142 by Anonymous on December 7, 2013 - 6:53 pm
And by this you have done exactly what you said not to do in your article…create a laundry list, judge. The original article above was powerful because it came from someone who realized how he should’ve acted differently. YOU created a list for someone else to fulfill YOUR wants/desires. And this is coming from someone with multiple relationships that didn’t work out. Their actions might not be the problem. This was not written in love but in angst. #angst
#143 by joyce on December 13, 2013 - 4:08 am
hm. yes, perhaps written in angst. and maybe it wasn’t clear that i’m writing this as a woman, from a woman’s perspective, about what i know i should have done for my male partner(s), as a woman, giving myself advice to the woman i was. hope that’s clearer now…
#144 by Ellen on December 8, 2013 - 7:57 pm
why is this not the women’s response to this article? this is much more well-put than the one listed above under the article
#145 by joyce on December 9, 2013 - 4:14 pm
thanks Ellen 🙂 …probably because it’s James’ blog, not mine, and he’s been gracious enough to just allow me to comment here. glad you stumbled upon it, appreciate the kind words, and thanks for reading
#146 by Stephanie Ann Remy on December 11, 2013 - 7:58 pm
I kind of thought it went without saying that nearly the reverse was true for women.. A wise man once said to a young man who had a huge list of what he desired in a wife-to-be, “what makes you think that a woman with these attributes would be interested in you?” I’ve always thought the same of any woman who is interested in finding the perfect man. Work on your own attributes and be the person who attracts the person you are attracted to..
#147 by joyce on December 13, 2013 - 4:11 am
very good point. i do believe that men and women differ in their needs, so there are nuances that aren’t completely mirrored.
#148 by Pelton E on December 12, 2013 - 7:23 am
Wow, I was looking for a woman’s response to this letter that was given to me by my ex-wife and this is exactly what I was looking for! Mr Roger’s letter was one sided and made some assumptions that this was going to keep a marriage healthy but he didn’t offer anything regarding the woman’s point of view. How could he? He was writing about what he knows.
Joyce, thank you for this insight as I know I, you and Mr. Roger’s know marriage is a commitment between two and it can’t just be one sided.
#149 by jrl on December 12, 2013 - 10:54 am
Hi Pelton, may I recommend the link below: “A woman’s response to beautiful advice…”
#150 by joyce on December 13, 2013 - 4:05 am
thanks pelton … guess that was sort of my intent 🙂 hope you had a more tactful way of handing something back to her!
#151 by Anonymous on February 19, 2014 - 1:55 pm
He feels he has sacrificed a lot for me en that I have taken him for granted en Ihave but I am still wit him we hav two beautiful kids thru da Grace of God
How do I express my love I also have the trust issues as I hav a strong inclination that there is someone how do I we r married for 15 years
#152 by Robert on March 31, 2014 - 2:54 am
…thank you.
#153 by Caroline on November 12, 2013 - 4:49 am
Reblogged this on Successful Relationships and commented:
Lovely advice on how to make a mariage work
#154 by joyce on November 13, 2013 - 6:12 pm
I love that this blog continues to enjoy traction three months later, especially today when the average life span of a tweet is 2 hours.
#155 by Caroline on November 13, 2013 - 6:59 pm
Very true!!
#156 by Anonymous on November 9, 2013 - 12:11 am
If only my husband had followed that advice, we’re still married going on 4 yrs. this Jan. being separated( married for 17 yrs. going on 18 in June)…talked about and agreed on divorce , we are now talking but as a friend of the family..(no matter the situation he will always be my children’s father), we joke and actually talk but no love from me, that can’t be changed, he lost that when he cheated with a friends sister-in-law(and countless flirtation with women friends in front of me) have forgiven him but I lost being in love and trusting him… I also blame myself because I kept quiet and never let him know how I felt when he did his flirting…I understand and acknowledge what happened but this advice is helpful for those who need it… thank you for posting this…
#157 by mike,d on November 8, 2013 - 7:35 pm
I was divorced from my wife of 17years and I will never be able to find the best way of saying that I am so sorry about my life and the other things I did to destroy the only person who is love and my only friend now that I have lost her I just wanna say thank you for being the best friend and most of all my lady goodbye my wife I hope you have a great future and I will never forget you and all the love you provided take care. Sarita you live in my head and heart forever and my daughter was a great gift that nothing will ever replace.i miss. You girls so,so much and will live with. The fact that I did u girls wrong and can’t find a way to make it better for u guys. But hopefully god will send you two whatever I lacked as a man and I will accept it with respect and love.i failed at my opportunities and must surrender my family to possibly another person. So sorry love forever,,,,,Mike.D 1972
#158 by P on November 5, 2013 - 7:13 am
Very helpful
#159 by Lost on November 5, 2013 - 1:55 am
I have been divorced a year and a half. We were together 12 years and married almost 5. He was great in the beginning and then it drastically went downhill. We have an 8 year old son. He had an affair and I filed for divorce immediately. I do not trust easily. I was doing everything while he did nothing. I stayed in the marriage my last 3 years because of my children. He has two sons that I raised as my own and I have another son he raised since he was 6 weeks old. Their lives had been hell and I didn’t want them to lose something else. They knew what had happened and told me they knew I wasn’t happy and I could leave him. So I did. He stayed with the woman he had an affair with who had also been married. Everything I ever wanted from him he gave to her. Now they are split up and I’m the one he calls. If he could have only read this maybe things could of been different.
#160 by Mikael on November 4, 2013 - 8:38 pm
I like the article and I agree. I am getting divorced after 17 years of marriage and it is really sad. However, one must know that hhe good advice cannot always be followed, even if you want to. I was married to a verbal abuser and I feel I really tried everything, especially forgiving and giving. At the very end I now give up. Never thought I would but I can’t take it any more, neither can the children. Just sad.
#161 by Lost on November 5, 2013 - 2:56 pm
My ex was a verbal abuser as well. I can totally understand. I handed him to the other woman on a silver platter warning both of what was coming up for them and left. Up until 3 days ago he finally saw I was right and cried and apologized to me. After I left he bashed me on Facebook for everything he had done wrong but all that knew him knew the truth so I never responded. Now he says he doesn’t remember doing it. And when my mother finally sees him and explains the facts of life he sees the error of his ways. Go figure.
#162 by Julius Caesar on November 3, 2013 - 4:02 am
I quit thinking about getting married. It’s over and out.
I’m going to enjoy what I like for the next few decades and spend forever in oblivion.
#163 by jen on November 1, 2013 - 10:39 pm
Wow. ..very humble and powerful. Thank you for stepping up.
#164 by whaleabie on November 1, 2013 - 11:58 am
Reblogged this on God's perfect plan and commented:
i like this:
“You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.”
“It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.”
#165 by Collins on October 30, 2013 - 6:44 am
Beautiful advice and words that should go both ways . . . For both the man and the woman in a relationship
#166 by Zaza on October 29, 2013 - 4:51 pm
Wow. Just wow. I’m not married but one day when I do get married, I truly pray for a man who will treat me this way. Especially because I’m the type of person who just gives and gives of myself, trying my all to please the man I’m with (that being boyfriend) so I know that I tend to get taken advantage of at times. But I know, I have faith, that I will marry a man who will love me this way
#167 by Sad mom to be on October 29, 2013 - 4:23 pm
All these things are just fake..no body is so nice no man is so nice..its my first year of marriage and i am expecting. I get no care or love from my husband when i need it the most..all the pain i am going through he doesnt cuddle me or kiss me..he takes my pain indifferently..he very well knows i love him and i think he takes it for granted..at the end of the day all a woman needs if not love is some respect. If the man she loves so much she can die for cannot even give that then happiness is just a dream..when i see couple around me happy and cuddling eachother i feel very jealous i feel very heart broken and i just want to cry..that what have i done..i believe those woman are very lucky and rare too who get a caring and loving man because at the end of the day if shes a giving and loving person thats all what she needs to complete her life.
#168 by Anonymous on October 30, 2013 - 1:15 pm
Same here
#169 by John on November 1, 2013 - 2:08 pm
Ladies those men are out there and some suffer just as you do. Unfortunately some people (mostly women) have an innate quality to realize so much without going through pain. Men, on the other hand, seem only to achieve an epiphany after hitting rock bottom. I realize this isn’t the case but we all know this to be mostly true. I am in a relationship where I treat my wife like an absolute queen. She doesn’t receive it well and it breaks my heart. I’ve made a few small mistakes in the past but she makes me relive it so often that I feel her boitterness and anger is slowly tearing us apart. I love her dearly but dont know how much longer I can handle this. – From a man that has become the husband this author writes about.
#170 by G on November 1, 2013 - 3:46 pm
My wife once told me that she is incapable of loving me the way I love her. This bothered me for a while until I accepted it and started loving her in the same way. Now she asked me if there is another woman. It gets confusing and at times seems like a game which bothers me because I didn’t get married to play games however I realized that if I continued to give the way I was giving in the beginning it wasn’t doing any of us ny good because my problem was I was expecting the same in return from a person who does not have the depth of love vested into the relationship. I had to learn to get over my romantic ideal of the type of marriage I expected to have. I’m here for her if she needs me… beyond that the ball is in her court.
#171 by Jackie on November 1, 2013 - 7:54 pm
Sounds like your husband might be autistic.
#172 by anonymous on October 29, 2013 - 12:54 am
Too bad not all husbands would ever come close to even thinking of doing these things. Mine is so good choosing the worst places and times to fight at. If it is late at night he threatens to leave when im arguing back to something he started. Two wrongs don’t make a right I know. . And im not at all perfect but ive told him plenty of times that he shouldn’t leave the house in the middle of an argument but rather stay home and solve it with me or wait it out. Anyways guess im sleeping with the baby tonight.
#173 by Pain is Love on October 28, 2013 - 8:46 am
Wow I’m a guy sitting here with tears in my eyes reading this letter and y’all comments.. Everything he is telling not to do in a marriage I made these mistake and everyday I pray one day The Lord up above will bring my wife’s heart to understand I was young and never understood what a marriage really is but pain is the best teacher and when you lose something so beautiful as your wife’s heart it’s a strain on you like u can never I mean never get over. Well I believe in GOD not human words so I will never give up on us and maybe one day we can return to glory and oh if that day comes, I will drop to my knees and give him all the praise!!!!!!
#174 by John on November 1, 2013 - 2:11 pm
Amen brother. I am going through the same thing. Not sure what to do.
#175 by Anonymous on November 11, 2013 - 9:24 am
Beautiful!
#176 by Anonymous on October 27, 2013 - 3:30 am
I really wanna divorce while my husband seem not the one I knew since last 9 years . But v just married one year . I found that I didnt love him at all now just only the pity ness
#177 by Kathleen on October 25, 2013 - 5:22 pm
Wish my husband of 18 yrs would have done just some of those thing’s..over the past 3 yrs it has come out that he has had several emotional affairs .and throughout our first 15 yrs he was rarley nice to me.he often was verbally abusive. .my fault I stayed and niw to dd salt to those choices wounds he was always gad workwife everyone knew except me…I am so angry at myself I lost 18 yrs of possibly being treated better..I sit here crying & crying!!
#178 by deep on October 25, 2013 - 6:27 am
if a man does so and so in spite of his wife becoming so and so, then the man comes under the category of dog and not human. :p
#179 by Sky on October 24, 2013 - 2:42 am
This is sad but yet beautiful. Thank you for sharing!
#180 by Anonymous on October 22, 2013 - 9:59 pm
this was interesting however I do have to say that it would be nice to read the story intended for women and what they should do to keep their mans heart intact. It places a lot of emphasis on what a man needs to do and creates a ‘promise of expectations’. You can do all of this but without reciprocation and a mutual understanding to accept and consider each other it becomes nothing more than a beautiful story. The unfortunate reality is that with the multitude of personalities that exist there are as many potential outcomes to this recipe for success. How long can someone give selflessly without expecting some form of reciprocation? We people, by design, suffer from something called EGO. This can be both positive and negative in that if it is not controlled by reason it can become detrimental to ones perspective on life but on the other hand can prevent one from being manipulated and abused by the many flawed people we all are and coexist with in this life. The romanticized hollywood-esque stories have permeated and proliferated the psyche of people and have created unreasonable expectations in most people which has prevented them from truly understanding what a lifelong union means and requires. “I will honor and protect your heart as you must do with mine for this to work.”. Good luck and GOD bless
#181 by Anonymous on October 26, 2013 - 10:17 pm
You read my mind.great insight
#182 by lou on October 28, 2013 - 10:27 am
Its written by a man about his own experience and what he has learned. If he wrote about what a woman should do then that would just by another guy talking about something someone else should be doing. Its basically a list of things hes wants to remember so next time he doesnt end up losing what he values most.
#183 by Anonymous on October 28, 2013 - 12:12 pm
Thank you. Very well written.
#184 by Anonymous on October 28, 2013 - 5:03 pm
Well said.
#185 by Julius Caesar on October 22, 2013 - 11:41 am
I notice that girls who have a crush on me will avoid me like a burning oil tanker.
#186 by Celina on October 22, 2013 - 9:56 am
i read this and it brought tears to my eyes its very deep. It truly values a marriage whereas we live in a time when its all lust and no value for a beautiful relationship such as marriage between two people who truly are one body and soul. They love, understand and respect one another. I pray i find someone who feels the same as this.
#187 by Ja Lugod on October 22, 2013 - 3:09 am
Wonderful! One thing more, put God in the center of your relationship and He will remind you of everything written here! Have a blessed day 🙂
#188 by Joel Thompson on October 21, 2013 - 7:25 pm
I have been married for 16 years and i am so grateful i did. I have learned so much that i have become a much better person. One thing i would add is to always keep communicating. Couples need to understand each other as after all we are all different and will have different expectations
#189 by heaven on October 21, 2013 - 12:17 am
I really liked your article. So much that I sent it to my ex-husband that I promised myself not to talk again. I truly loved a man once that is not what he claimed to be. I was in a 2 year relationship and little more than 1 year married with him but it was the most horrible year of my entire life and any person’s life. He was a very abusif man, he had some sort of trauma growing up in his life, or he has a mental illness, not sure which, but he didn’t love me, it was more like an obsession, I was more like his personal security, something for him, something he didn’t have, where he allowed himself to do whatever he wishes with me. I was also a very vulnerable person as I didn’t really have anyone, and I really wanted to be in a relationship. I thought I was going to live a brand new life and be happy with a loving husband.
When I left the house for good because I could’nt take it anymore, he couldn’t care less, he didn’t even talk to me once after this!!! Can you imagine? I’m leaving the house, I’m asking for divorce, I’m telling him that this is it I’m gone, I won’t be with him anymore, and he just answers me well well well, I’ll give you what you want. And that’s it, that’s all. He never looked back and he didn’t care, didn’t bother to speak to me once, apart from telling me the meeting for the notary. I’m very glad and happy that I left, still alive at least, but it hurts me so much to imagine that there are human beings out there that are soo black hearted, soo bad. Especially that I chose the hard way of staying with him and trying to help him when he was abusive/violent towards me, and he took the easy way out when I asked for divorce. God knows how much efforts and harmony I brought to our married life. But just to say, yes there are very bad men outside, but trust me, even those kind of men are competely destroyed when their wives leave them, and to tell you even more than any otherperson. They probably look at this and say hell ya that’s how I should be in their hearts, but their ego will never let it pass into actions. It hurts because I truly loved him, and I can’t imagine myself on a shoulder of someone else and I think of all the good and great moments we had together when he was “normal”. I don’t want to do the first steps obviously, i want to let him be a man, but I think I’m just waiting for a ‘nothing’ to arrive and this hurts more. I’m also very frustrated because it took from him so little efforts to change, come back together, but he refused, its what we call the “immovable men”. I know I’m out of this relationship because God loves me but sometimes your emotions carry you when you feel lonely. I hope my next lover will read this article before getting married, because truly the sucess of marriage is when there is real love (not fake, not obsessive) and respect among each spouse equally. And if you feel a lack from either sides, then it’s time for you to search for a new plan. It can be hard and it can be painful, but divorcing or seperating hurts much much more you can trust me on this.
#190 by Daniel W. on October 19, 2013 - 8:34 am
This is one of the BEST advice to men on keeping their women. Especially points #1 and #3. We (as men) should NEVER stop courting our wives and should always keep the relationships fresh by always courting our ladies.
#191 by Varadhan Iyer on October 21, 2013 - 9:44 am
Hello friend, If you read my real story you may not suggest this, I got married in 1995 November 11 (09.1.1995) , ours was an arranged marriage as perIndian/South Indian Hindu + Brahmin tradition, We are going to get divorce on 23.10.2013 My wife never told me that she was in love with somebody for several years even though she is educated, postgraduate & also a teacher qualified as M.Ed, Mcom (which now means to me meaningless Education Missing common sense). When our child, a daughter, was born in 1996 or even after she met her lover in 2000 she could have told me that she could not forget him and she wants to marry him On the contrary she introduced him to me during Jan 2000 as her family friend and he has some family problems , his wife is arrogant, always quarrelsome & he has some problems of court case too and I never had a slightest doubt on her or him allowed him to stay with me as he had no place to stay……but later on slowly I came to know about the trutonly I received some photos of my wife and her lover kissing each other mouth to mouth and also a greeting card written with words which only lovers write. I tried to make her understand but such ladies of stubborn nature (in wrong way) do exist in all societies, Now I think this is my Karma
#192 by CleinG on October 27, 2013 - 3:11 pm
I’m sorry to hear your situation and empathize with your pain. Do you still love your wife? I have been in my worst relationship problem and this site http://www.getyourexbackeasy.net helps me a lot to get things back on track with my fiance. I hope this well help you as it helps me. Good luck.
#193 by brenda on October 18, 2013 - 9:34 pm
if u can stop the divorce….DO! I left my husband in 1999 for another man becuz my husband and I became “roommates”. Instead of working on it, I left. I miss him more every passing day. I will be back with him soon! Biggest mistake I ever made! Don’t end up like me!
The Karma of fucking over a good perosn Is the asshole you end up with
#194 by Jelena on October 18, 2013 - 7:04 pm
I was married for almost 14 years and married to the love of my life.
After 10 years of separation and 8 years of divorce I have never stopped thinking of my former husband. I ended our marriage in the hope that he would find help due to ongoing serious health issues. I never stopped loving him and I totally agree with James blog about focussing on the love component of your relationship with your spouse. James is 100% percent correct about everything he has contributed in expressing his advice to couples who are willing to save their relationship / marriage.
#195 by Nizet Angulo on October 18, 2013 - 1:12 am
SPEECHLESS!!!!!!! :-),, ,
#196 by Justin on October 17, 2013 - 3:18 pm
Yesterday my wife came home from work and seemed really depressed. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she felt we’ve drifted apart. We’ve been together for 5 years and got married after doing deployments away and having plenty of time together too. I separated from military service in 2012 and we had our daughter shortly after. But since we’ve had our daughter we haven’t truly had much time to be together romantically. She is 15 months now but my situation has complicated even more; before, we could at least rely on a few family members to watch her occasionally, but we either felt bad that we had to ask that of someone and came home early, or just didn’t have the money to do the things we wanted to do. Now we moved to another state together because she got a new job and there’s pressure it feels on all sides; we don’t have a lot of time and due to the move, money is short. I decided to sell a few of my personal effects to get some extra money to make a date happen but the problem is that we have no one we trust to watch our daughter. Her family is close-but we just can’t trust them, they aren’t responsible enough. So here I am, she told me last night that she feels the romance has been killed between us and to be honest, I agree. The worse part of it is, now that I know there is a problem I want to fix it-but she said she wants to maybe take a separation…she feels that we’ve slipped into like a best-friends category and decided that until I can go to school in January, we should just remain in a separated friend-like status. In January I would attend a school about 10 hours away, so it would give us some space and maybe help to either rekindle our love or show us why we have become so broken in the first place. I know this all sounds so convoluted, but I really have no idea what to do and am completely lost. I considered taking the “love dare” but it won’t help much because we get along great. Seriously we don’t have many issues it’s just…the love is thinning and our spark seems to be fading fast-i don’t know if this is salvageable but I am willing to try so please if you have advice let me know! she said that she also has had a very low sex drive since she gave birth 15 months ago and feels bad that she isn’t that into it, but says that she feels like she’s holding onto me unfairly. I just have no idea what to do-this article is great, I’m just concerned on whether it’s too late or not.
#197 by Eric Palmer on October 17, 2013 - 5:40 pm
No, it’s not too late. Take the Love Dare. But, keep in mind that love is not the equivalent of romance. Love goes deeper. Not saying that romance doesn’t have its place, it’s just not the same. Remember that love is a choice. Drifting apart is easy to do. A life filled with regrets of what could have been had you both stuck it out is more painful, especially when kids are involved. It’s good that you can both talk about it. I sincerely pray that you too can overcome this speed bump in your relationship. After 20 years I know that persistence, forgiveness and gratitude are great tools in the marriage kit.
#198 by Justin on October 17, 2013 - 9:05 pm
Thank you all for the comments…I will watch our relationship closely and make sure that I am treating her the way I need to make her feel special again. I think that I’ve taken a serious backseat and I see now that I took her for granted. God help me, I really feel like I’ve been treating her terribly for so long and she deserves better. But you know what? I’m going to try my damnedest to make her feel like the beautiful, amazing woman I know she is. I’m not going to “make it up to her”, I am going to take it further because she deserves to feel like I am courting her the way I was when we were dating those years ago. Thank you so much for your advice, I really appreciate it all!
-Justin
#199 by Eric Palmer on October 17, 2013 - 5:43 pm
…also, separation is a very slippery slope. Went that route once and it ended in disaster.
#200 by Ness on October 17, 2013 - 11:36 pm
Separation leads to divorce! Drifting apart is not a good reason to divorce. Having a small child is like slavery and it gets old and it gets tiring. Be more proactive in finding a sitter. I hate to say this too but she is probably depressed because baby has taken the number one role in the house or she still has baby blues and can’t shake it. Right now what she is really saying is “FIGHT FOR ME!” you can make her fall in love with you all over again. just start to woo her again and don’t give up even if she gets frustrated. Your wife is your priority, you are raising your child to grow up and move away someday and the person who will be left is your wife. Just don’t separate, you didn’t make vows to split when things got hard, you vowed to stick together through thick and thin. She is depressed but it’s not permanent, she feels disconnected, but its not permanent. Getting divorced and feeling regret for life is permanent. Splitting your home will be even more difficult than you imagine and your child will pay for it more than either of you two ever will. You make the decisions and your child pays the price and when you realize that you have guilt on top of regret. Consider that you give in instead of leaning in, how will you feel about seeing your wife with another man? How will you feel about that man being a parental figure in your child’s life? Another thing to consider is that men find it a lot easier to get into a relationship when they have a child than women do and she may have to face seeing you with another woman and having that woman be a parental figure in your child’s life. That woman may not love your children as much as you do or your wife does, she can even become jealous and make life difficult for your child or even push you to be uncooperative with your child’s mother so that it quells her fear of you leaving her for your wife. If you think it is difficult to find funds to go on a date and it is difficult to find a sitter now… you have no idea what a separation or divorce will cost you and she doesn’t either. As you might expect I am speaking from experience. I did the exact same thing your wife did. I was also angry and resentful. I felt that he didn’t love me anymore and I went about collecting evidence and it created a vicious cycle. I pushed him away, which made him react and then i reacted to his reaction and then he felt even more pushed away and i found more evidence. He actually began seeing another woman because I had stopped sleeping with him. This only increased my anger and resentment and was yet another thing i had stacked on my evidence list. I had been going to counseling and started taking anti depressants. I was asking him to come to counseling with me and he was leaving me friday through monday at home alone with our child. I got it in my head that if he really wanted to make this marriage work he was gonna stop looking for my approval, stop seeing this chick and start digging in instead of retreating, and I sure wasn’t gonna tell him that that was what I was needing cause then I couldn’t be sure that he was trying because it was what HE wanted. I have to say I was pretty difficult but I was angry for reasons to begin with. For all of my pushing I was really needing him more than I ever needed him before. Does that make sense? No it doesn’t but I was depressed and sure he didn’t love me. It wasn’t true he did love me I just wasn’t able to receive it because of an invisible illness. We tore down our marriage together and it has been 5 years since it started. He is now engaged to be married and i am still missing him and missing my marriage. I would give years off of my life to go back to the start of this and do everything differently. I still grieve and I can’t move on. Even for all of my pushing something inside me didn’t really believe we would actually divorce, but separating to “take a break” was the first step to divorce and I just didn’t realize it then. Don’t separate if you want to stay married. You guys don’t have a reason to divorce. She is depressed and maybe taking it out on you because you are what she has to lash out at. Depression is the worst reason to divorce. Don’t give up on her, she may be needing you more than ever. You have a tough job in front of you but that was what you promised when you married… for better or worse in sickness and in health….Depression is an invisible illness and you CAN help her out of it. Anyway better to try your best then to live with regret.
#201 by su on October 18, 2013 - 7:40 am
I have been where you are now, but I have also been where your wife is too. In my case I had been a little low since the birth of our child and I was just overtired and everything looked bad to me. I couldnt see anything good at the time, so I more or less said the same to my husband, but honestly didnt mean it really, it was just how I felt at that time, I wasnt thinking straight and once I was I realised how much I loved my husband. All it took was him being super loving and caring and basically making me feel special and cared for again, to remind me. We too had little money and no babysitter so he just did things like a surprise candlelit dinner all set up in the kitchen when the kids had gone to bed, having a lovely bubblebath together. just cuddling up on the sofa with a bottle of wine, some chocs and a film on an evening. It really made a difference to me, but you will know what sort of things your wife would like.
On the other hand my husband came home and said something very similar to me a couple of years ago and eventually I found out it was because he had become emotionally involved with someone at work. We are still together but it took some hard work and I had to move fast to stop him going past the point of no return. If either of the situations apply it is not too late, perhaps suggest some marriage counselling, but you need to get to the bottom of why she feels like this. on this occasion I would have a little discreet look at her phone, email if you can get access. just to rule it out.
I found out from my husbands mobile phone bill as he had deleted all texts to the other woman.
Good luck, I really wish you the best x
#202 by Anonymous on October 18, 2013 - 8:41 am
I have been married for 25 years this year. I’m sorry to hear about this. The first thing that comes to my mind after reading your article is whether there is more going on with your wife? If what you said above is all there is to your story, and your wife has suggested separation I feel that she has taken an extreme measure. What has she done on her part to improve your romance? Has she tried and failed and this is the last leg?
To me sounds like she is on her way out. But you know her better. If so then you will lose her completely the moment you go on separation. Try to stay together and work on your romance.
Lastly, I would suggest you some careful investigation. This could only be a tip of the an iceberg.
#203 by Andrew on October 18, 2013 - 6:35 pm
Justin, I feel for you brother. I recently went through a very similar situation. If you’re willing, I think I might be able to help. If you’re interested in at least talking to someone who has been where you are please email me aj brown 360 @ gmaildotcom. I only write it like that so no one can search my email and this pop up lol.
#204 by Khina on October 20, 2013 - 11:26 pm
If i were u i would not leave her or go far away from her. I would hold on and be around her as much as possible. and start pleasing her like i have never done before. Ask her what things ithat she wants me to do and do those things wholeheartedly and show her more love like never before. need more help call me from this number: 1 816-516-7328.
#205 by Brittany C on October 21, 2013 - 5:37 pm
Not too late!! I’m screaming inside as I read this! My husband and I had similar issues and situation. I let the separation go on and on and then we even followed with a divorce. Finalized on our 7 year wedding anniversary. After 10 years of being together and 2 amazing babies. Here I am…sitting in his living room. 5 months after the divorce- trying to rekindle our relationship because We do and did love eachother, If only we had tried more we wouldnt have gone thru so much struggle- trying to avoid struggling in our marriage by divorce! If only he had read an article like this- if only I had!! Now we have issues that were not even in our marriage- as we both dated other people, and now have hurt and resentment to work thru, as well as trying to figure out if getting back together is the right thing for our whole family. Basically- FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!!! I regret not fighting harder for mine. Money being tight- I suggest pick her a handful of flowers- put one or a few in each room in a glass or vase. Do this every. Day. She will see it- and notice them adding up. She will see the little efforts. You put the baby down & have tea candles on the table when you’re eating/ even if its Mac n cheese! Write her little love notes. Leave them on her purse- in the bathroom on the mirror. Buy her- her favorite soda-or drink & put it in the fridge- wrap a bow- a string- whatever you have around it & use a sharpie and put a heart on it. Rub her back- with no intentions of sex. It will spark something in her, just lighting a little flame of touch. After having my son I felt the same way…it’s not just you 😉 I’m just thinking these up as I go- but please fight for your marriage. You fell in love for a reason- that baby is more love in your relationship- I hope you’re able to love eachother fully and brand new. Not again 🙂 renewed 🙂 and as other replies have said. Separation is terrible for the marriage! I wish we would have done more together and not lived apart. Js
#206 by Anonymous on October 26, 2013 - 5:00 am
After having a baby, women don’t feel attractive, which can lead to lower sex drive and obviously lower self esteem. Make her feel beautiful. Tell her how great she looks everyday. Make her feel like you are falling in love with her more everyday. You don’t need money or a sitter to court your wife still. Feed the baby dinner, while one of you gets the baby ready for bed, the other can cook a special dinner for the two of you to have aldult time. It doesn’t cost extra money because you both need to eat and it gives you a chance to focus on eachother. The next week, switch jobs, the other can cook, etc. The most important thing is to make her feel important to you. Once she starts feeling the love and connection you once had, everything else should fall into place.
#207 by CleinG on October 27, 2013 - 3:17 pm
Eric is right. It’s not too late yet. I have many problems with my relationship with the woman i will be marrying soon, we always get back together and work it out. As long as both of you is willing then, the chance for both of you is still great. Luckily, i can always go back to this site http://www.getyourexbackeasy.net for advices that i need in my relationship. This helps me a lot while going through the worst of them all. I hope it can help you too. All the best.
#208 by Anonymous on November 3, 2013 - 4:26 pm
Sometimes justin a woman’s low sex drive is due to not feeling good about herself- easy fix when ever u see her grab her butt, tell her she is pretty, compliment her silly faces she makes, laugh at her jokes, let he catch u staring at her… Promise u her drive will come back. Also don’t wait until late in the night to get it going having a young kid will make her very tired late in the night so get it going as soon as the baby falls asleep…Memba if u let her see u desire her she will want to desire u back all a woman Wants is to feel like she doig a good job raising your children that she still is pretty and that she is still the kne u think is hilarious and is so smart and fun to be with once she knows this it’s on for her you will have started up her engine again!!! Now take her down to sexy town because mentally knowing all that is fine but now put it to the physical so she can connect with u on al levels. Life is all about deep connections that’s the only thing that will matter In The end. Creating connections. Let her connect with u again xoxox best wishes love
#209 by Julius Caesar on October 17, 2013 - 6:46 am
I am never going to get married so I don’t need to know this. Anyway it’s pretty well written.
Don’t seek a girlfriend in the first place. Use passive resistance to counter these heartbreaking meaningless romantic relationships.
#210 by дети on October 17, 2013 - 5:03 am
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#211 by Anonymous on October 17, 2013 - 12:59 am
for me its a great & excellent view whereinthe vow of marriage is very important..i really like the page and the wisdom ..more power..by lita.m
#212 by Rose on October 16, 2013 - 12:31 pm
This goes both ways. I’m a soon to be divorcee, really regretting separating from my husband six months ago but now it seems it’s too late. If only I could go back a year or two and not grow apart the way we did. I’d take all this advice and apply it everyday and put more of an effort in to make it work the way we planned.
#213 by Grace on October 20, 2013 - 12:09 am
It’s NEVER too late. What is 6 months compared to a lifetime of regret?
It only takes you to rid youself of your ego, let your guard down, admit you want to try again and be better this time.
Give it a shot, what do you have to lose?
#214 by Aqsa on October 16, 2013 - 10:55 am
My husbands got all good qualities the only thing that bothers me and forcing me to jus finish this relationship is that e never tells me anything and hides every little stuff from me thinks m stupid makes a fool out of me .. This honestly driving me mad every time .. I really don’t know what to do .. Should I jus stop caring and asking because it’s clear he doesn’t want to tell anythin regardin our finance or anythin .. Plz suggest somethin to me ..the reason m writing all this here is bcz I can’t tell any of this to anyone in family ..
#215 by Eric Palmer on October 17, 2013 - 5:46 pm
I hope that you have confronted him with your thoughts and feelings. Trust and honesty are two foundation blocks that hold up a marriage.
#216 by GoodGuySwag on October 16, 2013 - 1:44 am
I finally completed my blog as a newly wed on what you’re blog meant to me: http://goodguyswag.com/5-quick-ways-to-end-a-fight-with-your-girlfriend/
#217 by jjmerrin on October 15, 2013 - 3:39 pm
Reblogged this on allihavetobringtoday and commented:
Stumbled across this. Not that I’ve been married and divorced, but it makes me think about it and what I want it to look like. Even if it was, as a recent comment says, “written by a female for another femiale as in a lesbian marriage or something. Not believable.”
#218 by Joe on October 15, 2013 - 1:09 pm
Someone should write a letter about how to treat a man. This is biased crap. This guy’s wife sounds like a saint and I’m willing to bet that she is just as much to blame for their divorce. This is garbage.
#219 by Kelly on October 19, 2013 - 10:38 pm
In my opinion this could be written towards men or women. Wives also need to work on our marriage everyday as much as the men do, to not nag but to love the man we promised to cherish. And just as woman need quality alone time men do to! I’ve been married for almost 16 years and no my marriage is not the same as it was the first year, it’s a constant change because as people we are also a constant change. Men and women both need to love and respect one another for any relationship to work. I think he wrote this as his way of admitting his own faults, it’s up to her to admit hers.
#220 by Rosey on October 14, 2013 - 9:33 pm
Men must first realise that there is too much brainwashing by men and in the media that women are weak creatures just needing to be carried through life. although different, women have incredibly sensitive and emotional inteliigent brains. also we have about 75 percent of the physical strenghth of a man we have fit bodies and fitness of mind so why are we treated so much under men. men should just treat women alot better than they do in general and everything would be fine
#221 by Cynic on October 14, 2013 - 2:29 am
Real men aren’t all mushy like some kind of patsy waiting at a woman’s feet day and night…honestly this letter sounds like it was written by a female for another femiale as in a lesbian marriage or something. Not believable.
#222 by Adhis on October 14, 2013 - 6:32 pm
Being cynical probably works for ya.
Just dropping by to say that I personally know Gerald Rogers. Way not a patsy.
#223 by Good guy. on October 15, 2013 - 7:14 am
Agreed. It would be nice if this actually was the way it worked but the truth is trying to keep up with all this won’t last.
Best to just be yourself and find someone who appreciates you for you.
#224 by Jane on October 15, 2013 - 4:43 pm
This is the most beautiful advice I have ever heard. I wish I had heard it before it was too late for my marriage. I had tears in my eyes the whole time I was reading it. The only other piece of advice I would add is to please let young men (and women) know that no matter how frustrated they get IT IS NEVER OK to touch a woman in anger. This is the ultimate dealbreaker an must not be tolerated. Thanks again for such true and touching words of wisdom.
#225 by Anonymous on October 12, 2013 - 6:23 pm
Definitely love the article. I will keep it to remind me and my husband of things that matter the most and last forever.
#226 by Matrimony on October 12, 2013 - 4:08 am
Loved reading this! I’m definitely going to keep these in mind and share ti my friends..
#227 by dennis on October 11, 2013 - 12:47 pm
“Marriage should be equal”
Hence why and the sisterhood of man hate and perpetual victim hood die single, bitter and alone.
#228 by Anonymous on October 11, 2013 - 11:53 am
Wow! Amazing! I guess it was meant to be… you have moved so many people. And you have moved me to maybe change my mind about men. I thought that a man can not full fill my needs, that a man simply stands on a lower branch ( I am sorry, it is offensive) that thinking helped me to be in my marriage , so many times misunderstood, under appreciated, sometimes lonely. I guess I thought that men can not understand a woman. But maybe they can… I wish you luck in love and all happiness. This advice is beautiful.
#229 by Kephasho on October 10, 2013 - 8:10 am
Wish had read this
#230 by Amy on October 9, 2013 - 3:11 pm
Sometimes it’s just too late though.
#231 by Alan Stiles on October 8, 2013 - 9:39 am
Well now , I can’t disagree with most of the article, but my god, are we to be slaves to a woman we love, obviously that’s what’s wrong with marriage nowadays, , women are almost encouraged by society to shop around for the ‘next’ husband, and men have forgotten how to be men,. I’m tired of being a “nice guy” and being sensitive and trying to predict what a female oneeds sometimes, I think it’s impossible to be everything all the time , then throw in pms and irrationality, and short bouts of depression, her getting turned on by a stranger at work then getting angry at me because of that, it certainly is difficult to be a man in the modern world
#232 by Anonymous on October 10, 2013 - 1:06 am
I totally agree with you . It should be from both sides , its all about right partner .
#233 by Charis on October 10, 2013 - 3:50 am
The amount of things wrong with what you just said is staggering. You do understand this is literally what women have been demanded to do pretty much since marriage began. Put your husband first, love him above all else, think about what he wants, take care of him. The amazing thing is that most women are happy and love to do so because they love their husbands! Finally women are being encouraged to have careers to have lives outside of marriage. That doesn’t mean they have to stop doing these things in the list. It’s equally important for women to do the things on the list as the husband., That’s the point of marriage, equality in giving and taking of each other.
Also how dare you link pms and irrationality. Men can be exactly the same, men also go through hormone cycles just they don’t go through lots of pain and bleed for a week every month because of it! Bouts of depression are natural and happen to everyone!
It’s difficult to be a man in the modern world because you’re now expected to be aware of how much you are freely given and be aware of how privileged you have been. Women are finally starting to get equality but still have a long way to go yet!
You’re tired of being a nice guy? Being nice to people is common courtesy. Listening to people and being sensitive to other people’s emotional and practical needs is just being respectful and loving! I’d bet you’d expect a women to do these things for you without a second thought because society trains men to think they are the powerhouses and deserve to be put first and deserve to get what they want. It’s amazing that some men have realised this and are self aware and know how to love someone, how to truly love someone which means giving exactly as much as you take. Everyone has different needs, hence his talking about the love languages, you have to understand what makes your partner or spouse feel loved as they probably don’t need the same as you do!
#234 by Jane on October 15, 2013 - 4:53 pm
Awesome words!
#235 by Monica on October 10, 2013 - 8:06 pm
What you just said about women makes you NOT the nice guy. You’re a pig.
#236 by Anonymous on October 7, 2013 - 3:47 am
Wish i had read it before i lost you M. Even though i am a woman i think this works for both sides,i made many mistakes of this list and its terrible 😦 And now his heart belongs to someone else…
#237 by Anonymous on October 7, 2013 - 3:37 am
Wish i read it before…though im a woman,i made so much mistakes. I was focusing on small things and making drama while he did countless good things,i was waiting for future and forgot to take care of present and so on 😦 finnaly he gave his heart someone else. I miss you M and im so sorry i got so lost. 😦
#238 by M on October 16, 2013 - 1:21 am
My heart still belongs to you L.
#239 by Chance on October 6, 2013 - 7:30 am
I’m having a difficult time applying this advice. I had found out 4 days ago that my wife had been having an affair for the past month with a friend of hers who was also in a relationship. As good as the advice you give is, I don’t feel it can be applicable to my situation. This has grown to be a very hard time for me to cope with, especially because she was completely happy with our marriage (according to her). So I have nothing to work with in terms of a base on how I need to better myself as a husband. All of this has left me confused, angry and rejected. The fact that we have a daughter together too just makes it that much more impact full. I don’t feel I can trust this woman ever again or allow her back into my heart. I have begun going through the motions of divorce because in my eyes it was the ultimate betrayal. This divorce didn’t stem from us not getting along during our marriage or financial stress or infidelity from my end. So my question I guess is what is the best advice for a man going through what I am right now? Because all the advice and articles I find are all based off scenarios other than mine. I appreciate anyone’s time to help me with this and this was a very well written article.
#240 by Eric Palmer on October 6, 2013 - 1:01 pm
I think that it is difficult to get beyond the hurt first. The fresh sense of betrayal can be overwhelming. If somehow you are able to forgive her and she is willing to do anything and everything to regain your trust, it will be worth it. It will prove that your marriage is strong enough to stand up to even the toughest circumstances. And if it works, you can both say you love each other no matter what. Trust me, it can be done.
#241 by Mustang Seller on October 8, 2013 - 10:14 pm
Divorce her. She has betrayed you and humiliated you. If she disrespected you it doesn’t mean you should also disrespect yourself.
#242 by Anonymous on October 8, 2013 - 10:28 pm
Two alternatives seem available,
A)follow your advice and continue to be stuck in a relationship which is not reciprocated and leads to feeling unfulfilled and isolated
B)leaving and feeling as lonely as you must have felt when you wrote this iconic description of what you yourself were unable to achieve.
#243 by Anonymous on October 9, 2013 - 9:14 am
Don’t give up just yet! What she has done is terrible but think about all the good she has done also. I will suggest to give yourself some time before you make any decisions.
#244 by Anonymous on October 10, 2013 - 12:41 pm
Chance – I am sorry to hear that your wife stepped out on you. I can tell you this I watched as this happened to my ex-brother-in-law. No he was not perfect and neither was my sister. They have been divorced now for 11 years. They had 2 children that are 13 and 11 now.. and let me tell you this I am not sure how my Brother-in-law forgave her but he has, and my nephew and niece along with GOD have a lot to do with that. Those children though do not suffer in the least from their parents divorce. At any event you will find – my sister her new husband, my brother-in-law and new wife along with all the grandparents. I guess what I am saying is it is no longer about you and your wife it is about your daughter. Everything else will work itself out. Read the book of Matthew. I hope it will help you like it did me.. May GOD be with you and bless you!
#245 by Marie on October 12, 2013 - 10:25 pm
What was your part in this? Have you examined why it is your wife might have felt the need to step out of the marriage? For men to do that, it typically results from lack of sex, lack of affirmation, lack of respect. When spouses step out, it is usually due to deficiencies in the marriage.
My husband checked out of our marriage with alcohol. He was abused as a child and I tried to get him to talk to a counselor about it. The alcohol was deadening his feelings. But after 22 years of “I will go to counseling someday” or “I am not going to counseling” I finally just gave up. Sometimes, divorce is the best answer. I am free now, I know I gave this 120 percent and it was time to stop wasting time putting perfume on a pig.
We as a society tend to categorize men as lazy and stupid and women as needy and emotional. I have met people of both sexes that fit into both categories. Some men hate women, some women hate men. We cannot group everyone into neat groups, it just doesnt work that way. And, many of us are not wiling to see where WE have failed in our marriages, remember, it takes two. I did try everything I could to help my husband, but again, given what he endured, and what he refused to face, I had no choice but to end it because he refused to get help.
#246 by Larry on October 13, 2013 - 9:22 am
Chance,
Everything you wrote could’ve been written by me. In 1999 I found out my wife was having an affair and my world came crashing down. I thought we were doing very well at the time but she had secretly been having an affair for three years by then. I could say lots more but it’s not relevant. I had two young daughters at the time and could not see tearing their family apart. I stayed with her despite the affair and despite the deep feelings of mistrust and all the other emotions you have. I was 38 at the time and it took more than ten years for me to really get over it. As painful as they were, I feel I lost those ten years of my life but I made it through and we’re happy today. As you age you change. And we changed because of that event and we’re closer now than we were at the time.
In the end, I’m glad I stayed. My daughters have turned out wonderful, awesome and all the other adjectives a Dad can have for his daughters. I’m so proud of them! And my wife and I are doing well and now have fun together again. The bad feelings always come up now and then but you learn to deal with them. You recognize them for what they are–memories and not relevant to my life today.
I wish you luck in dealing with your pain. Only you can make the decision, but consider the pain your daughter may feel without a full-time Father around or if she calls someone else “Dad.” I just couldn’t let that happen.
Take Care!
#247 by Pain is Love on October 28, 2013 - 9:19 am
Man your story sounds so wonderful, I pray I can feel happiness again
#248 by Anonymous on October 14, 2013 - 5:55 am
Please please try to not look at what I’m saying as blame that you did anything wrong. But I believe the article does apply to you. I think that the betrayal was a sign of deeper issues with the marriage. Like why did she not trust you enough to tell you the truth that she was unhappy/ dis satisfied with the marriage enough to have an affair? I don’t know what the main issue is: it could be that you are afraid of everlasting love & unconsciously picked a women who would betray you…so that you can be write that she was the problem. It could be that she’s so afraid to be truly loved that she’s finding a way to run. My point is that it would behoove you to not divorce until you have dug deep enough to find out why the marriage cracked in the first place. Otherwise you run the risk of repeating the same crack within a new erelationship anyway. You may hate what she has done, but the fact that you feel hurt and confused about it suggests that you still have your grasp of the love you once felt for her. In order to be able to heal from this, you have to be able to look at her with living ness that she is human and not perfect, to look at yourself with locingness that you are hunan and not perfect. And sometimes marriage brings out in both people the parts that need to be. Healed. I think that’s what this article was about and I believe if you can figure out how very deeply it applies to you, then whether or not you remain married, you will have turned this experience from one of bitterness to one of love.
#249 by Anonymous on October 18, 2013 - 6:04 pm
It seems she didn’t respect herself as a married woman and she didn’t respect you as a husband. Everything can be right but if there is not such prerequisite any person will fail with the temptation. If a marriage was in decline, a person that values mutual respect would first end the relationship before betraying.
#250 by crystalskyes on October 6, 2013 - 4:25 am
As a female, I think this advice is BS.
It is so biased against MEN. I am speaking for the sake of your damn equality.
What happened to equal responsibility?
This is so unfair to men. Guys must do everything? Are women really that useless except for making babies?
God, women have such a bad rep since generations of women have been nothing but louts.
If they wanted to be of any good to society, they should have get a good career and not have children to make excuses for their lack of personal career success.
Women… You don’t know whether they deserved to be discriminated against in the past or not.
#251 by Eric Palmer on October 6, 2013 - 12:53 pm
I have seen many comments along these lines. However, this was simply a man’s perspective on what he could have done differently. I’m sure there were things that his ex-wife could have done also. I don’t think that the post was meant to say that it is only a man’s responsibility. If both a man and woman work toward the common goal of a good marriage it will succeed. There is a blog posted from a woman’s perspective, too. Unfortunately, many men have taken little responsibility for their family, other than providing an income. It has often been left up to women to carry the weight.
#252 by Charis on October 10, 2013 - 4:09 am
… Women have not been louts… Women were highly suppressed! No-one deserves to be discriminated against. Ever. Most women wanted a good career but where never given the chance because men wouldn’t hire a women! J. K. Rowling was told to put her name as an acronym instead of saying Jacqueline Rowling so as to appeal to both genders because guys are less likely to buy books written by female authors, Women have had to change their name in the past to secretly get published works. Women were forced into being housewives for generation upon generation.
These facts I believe are what marriage should be made up of from both partners. It should be equal give and take to suit each others needs in a relationship. Not everyone needs the same thing but the same courtesies and respect should be shown to both people. The thing with this article is that most of these things women have just been expected to do for hundreds of years. Put your husband first, love him first, forgive him, care for him. I don’t think women should stop but I think it’s definitely about time men did the same! I’m not saying none do because that’s not true some definitely do. However, society still tells men to expect to be the head of a household and to be the most important, their needs being put first and this is wrong.
Marriage should be equal but as women so most of this already as they are what society has made women do and put women into these roles it’s time that the majority of men were informed of what a marriage should be made up of. Love, commitment, honesty, friendship and respect and what that actually means for them as well as for women.
#253 by Wow!! This touched my heart just now and brought me to tears! Thank you for sharing this incredible story!! on October 5, 2013 - 9:32 am
This story touched me as I am dealing with Divorce despite my choosing.
#254 by Faith Norville on October 4, 2013 - 7:33 am
When I put in my e-mail I missed spelled it by on letter. In stead of putting hotmail. I spell it hoymail. I have since corrected it. That is why it kept saying wrong e-mail address or wrong user name.
#255 by nahdya on October 3, 2013 - 11:59 pm
Reblogged this on Blooming Butterfly.
#256 by Anon on October 3, 2013 - 10:48 pm
Each relationship involves not just 2 people but rather hundreds to thousands of people dynamically interacting directly and indirectly. Utilizing an optimal behavioral pattern that has a higher probability of retaining the sexual services of a female in an LTR is not 100% guaranteed since the female has her own optimizing formula that the male cannot ascertain or predict.
In addition, there exists other males (OT) who operate with more successful behavioral patterns and/or more attractive characteristics will easily detract from the “strength” of any matrimonial vows…
My advice:
1) focus on your own happiness
2) don’t make promises that are unlikely to be kept and don’t expect same from any mate.
(e.g. if the chance of flipping a heads is 50% don’t promise to someone that the next coin toss will be heads, etc [wink-wink])*
3) if you depart, do it on good terms, learn from the experience.
4) DO ALL THE ADVICE FROM THE BLOG FROM A POSITION OF CONFIDENCE, NOT AS DESPERATE MEASURES TO KEEP A WOMAN
*don’t promise to be married forever if the divorce rate is 50% and you might have 0% say in the matter when she files…
#257 by thandeka on October 3, 2013 - 5:36 pm
Thanks for the wonderful article. I love the part that says “marriage is work”. It really needs two partners who are willing to be together and cherish each other. Hopefully man will look into it and play the part. Afterall why choose unhapiness when there’s so much more to b happy about. I,personally,appreciate it.
#258 by inez4 on October 3, 2013 - 11:36 am
Reblogged this on Inez4's Blog and commented:
Thinking of divorce, read this first, insightful, can save many relationships
#259 by las786 on October 2, 2013 - 5:17 am
Reblogged this on (LAS) ABDUN-NUR.
#260 by Mark on October 1, 2013 - 4:15 pm
I was that kind of a man and after 20 years together about one year ago we have separated.
she was my world, i really and truly loved her. im not perfect but i would have done nearly anything to make her happy.
The one thing i did lack was loving myself and maybe loving her to much.
It has turned my life upside down and im trying to get back up and be happy again but its very difficult.
#261 by Anonymous on October 16, 2013 - 6:54 am
Going thru the same thing buddy. Depression has taken its toll on me. Its difficult. Wife left months ago but we did have a crummy marriage toward the end. Last year she filed but then came back later after i left then came to my new house and beg me to come back home eventually after several weeks I agreed. After 7 months of being back home she started staying out all night and doing the same things that she was doing before so I left again and now she filed I did everything I could to save my marriage but sometimes enough is enough I had to let her go and get my sanity back
#262 by steve on September 30, 2013 - 5:09 pm
sounds great but it doesn’t work There is an epidemic here (in the UK) for middle aged wives to dump their husbands & find a new guy. It doesn’t matter how great their husbands were – inevitably their wives just get bored with them over the years. Happened to my neighbour , best friend & now me. My wife just left one day with my daughter , leaving our 17 year old son with me & now wants a divorce. No reason – just “not in love with me” anymore. Easy for them to pick up a new boyfriend as lots of guys in similar situations.
#263 by Amanda culver on September 30, 2013 - 1:10 pm
Good morning, I don’t even know if I’m writing to the right person? And I don’t know how to begin? My husband and I have been separated for almost 3 years, and even though we have gone on and ” explored” new things, we have always stayed in contact with each other , I have always loved him and I know he loves me.. He takes care of me in many ways.. We have talked about divorce and say ok maybe it’s the best thing to do? So can truly move on with our lives, but him nor I ever make that move. I have done some soul searching here in the past months… I want my marrage to work , we had dinner last night spent 6 hrs talking laughing and at the end of the night I told him I loved him still and he also expressed his love for me.. With tears pouring down his face… We hugged .. I know he loves me We have something very special between us.. I want my marriage to work. Please is there any advice ? Can you tell me anything? Am I crazy to want our marriage to work? Please help me in anyway you can… Thank you, from a willing heart in California.
#264 by Tasha on September 30, 2013 - 11:02 pm
you two did promise for better for worse till death do you part. You are still married. You both still love each other. Why not try? I mean sure it may end up badly a second time. But it may not. What would it hurt to give your vows a second chance? Maybe another broken heart, maybe wasted time. But hes not an ex boyfriend where you get the luxury to protect yourself from that.. Hes your husband. Youve already made the choice to be commited to the relationship for better for worse. Now its time to get past the worse, onto the better and then worse again and then better again. Unless of course there is abuse or infidelity going on
#265 by Anonymous on October 3, 2013 - 5:21 am
After this article their is a similar list of advise for women one says to give him sex often . Girl you need to use the sex balm daily. Get close.
This seems like the first way to reconnect and doing this often is good balm for healing. And keep laughing together. I like you took a vow for better or worse till death do us part. I take this vow seriously. Its why your still married it takes a stronge conviction to stay in a marriage i decided after 3 years of fighting and claiming divorce by both my husband and i . That i was never gonna alow myself the option of diorif hee wanted it then he would have to get it iwas here for life. I wantedbhim to be secure in me a sence of accountability . Its easy to decide its a vow. When my husband Dan gets home on sat. From working out if tn im gettin naked and gettin close putting as much balm on my marrage as needed. I wish you two laughter, balm sex and forgivness. Most important is focus on what you love and love it. Heres to us and loving our husbands
#266 by Nancy on September 30, 2013 - 9:16 am
Each gender contributes to marital strife and difficulties, there are no guiltless individuals because we are all human and many times lazy and selffish. What so many women go through is, the relationship has problems, she’s attempting to get her man to see some changes are needed, she is willing for herself to change, but she needs him to invest and he just isn’t all that interested for a lot of reason – a very low bar effort is set for the marriage and it is failing on many fronts. Most counselors and books will discuss this issue, the man’s focus is elsewhere, the woman’s focus is on the relationship, two in the same boat rowing different directions. This article is about re-directing the focus back to understanding what is needed to make the marital relationship work versus focus the majority of time and attention elsewhere. Many people, once they marry, they have won/caught the prize and therefore get lazy in maintaining it. This is good advice for both men and women.
#267 by Dying To be Only His on September 29, 2013 - 8:55 pm
Both ur article and the woman’s view are exceptional articles that have made me look deeply into my relationship. Mainly myself. I want to thank you for this, for opening up my eyes and my heart to what God has called a marriage to be. U have re focused me and helped me to see what I need to do to make him feel like he is number one above any n everything. THANK YOU BEYOND MEASURE!!!!! #LOVETHISMESSAGE #SIMPLYAMAZING
#268 by Felix on September 29, 2013 - 8:24 pm
Inspiring! I just read this story I it helped me save my marriage. Thanks slot.
#269 by Naj on September 29, 2013 - 3:39 am
How beautiful…
If only my husband realised this – I wouldn’t b SITTIN in the bathroom now avoiding his tensed nasty argumentative attitude. Divorce is always the option in my head these days – the sad thought that Iv wasted 7years of my time and allowed my 20’s to be consumed with a WASTEman that will never ever change…
#270 by Anonymous on September 29, 2013 - 11:20 am
I know it’s easier said than done. If you are feeling in your heart and head that divorce is the only option then follow your feelings. You shouldn’t have to hide in the bathroom and be unhappy. There is life after divorce. I have went through it twice. Yes it’s hard but there is someone out there who will be the right one for you.
#271 by Anon on October 3, 2013 - 10:25 pm
The article did suggest to not try to change ur spouse…But in fact he did change… from the man u 1st met. so it is possible for him to change… just not into the person you want….
#272 by Ben on September 28, 2013 - 12:35 am
These are great advice of how to make a working relationship better. If you are in an abusive relationship, take my one advice:
get the hell out!
#273 by Ben on September 27, 2013 - 11:07 am
I do agree with many things written in this article and have my regrets and shortcomings. I do not however see much written on how a women should treat their husband. My wife was cruel, critical, unfaithful, and a spend thrift. Where is a declaration for women? In a marriage and raising a family there are jobs that must be done. I do not make the assumption that any job is gender specific however I do state the jobs must be done for a marriage and the family to progress and be successful. I can only do so much, I am half of the marriage. When the other half is put off and never finished how can that marriage succeed? The answer is it can’t no matter how much I want it. So I ask where are the long lists of what women ought to do, the advice columns, the group’s for abused men caused to feel horrible because they could not satisfy their women’s insatiable habits or desires, the advice telling a women to have herself in order before entering a relationship and marriage or at the very least telling the man what her issues are surrounding whatever issue or life trial faced or facing. My wife exposed me to her sexual abuse 5 years into our marriage as a result of an occurrence of something similar in our extended family. We talked I did not try to fix and was not put out by what happened. She had never talked to anyone about it, not her parents nor friends. She changed to a point where her behavior affected our relationship her relationship with our children and our close friends and extended family. I have allowed myself to feel guilt and frustration at my inability to bring her happiness and joy. It took me a long time to realize her happiness is her responsibility and no matter how much I want to make her happy it’s her choice. I’m not perfect, I make many mistakes, but I was a faithful, loving adoring husband and a willing partner. I would have done whatever was needed to have helped our marriage succeed, but I am only one of a 2 part equation. She was the love of my life, the one I wanted to raise a family with and grow old with. I thought we accepted each other where we are in our life progress and for who we were and could trust each other. I see now that to be in a successful relationship even more than accepting the other we must accept and love our self. If we dont love US we will constantly be looking for what’s next and running from our self only to find our self again…no one can get away from themselves for very long. Shoe me the list of what a women is committed to in a marriage and not one that is a list from a women to a man that is simply modified to say a women should do likewise, men and women are different, we all need things like trust, fidelity, forgiveness etc…but there are needs outside of what a women believes a man needs that we actually do need. Do women really know what a man needs and do they really care? I am hopeful women do know and want to be part of my life as I want to be part of their life.
#274 by Anonymous on September 27, 2013 - 3:51 am
By reading these words i get the impression that succeeding at marriage is mostly up to the man. However in the modern times women, at least in norway where i live, are becoming increasingly manly on their behaviours, and men more feminine. Equality here is being taken a bit to the extreme i would say. Thus, in the almost 9 years i lived here i havent got here the feminine side that i did before from women of other nationalities, this feeling that makes you feel needed and loved, despite my efforts to follow in the majority the advice given in this article. _Unfortunately, economic prosperity has on my opinion led to lack of tolerance and sacrifice, sometimes needed in a relationship, and hence divorce. So you think these pieces of advice apply to every couple and culture in the world? Thoughts appreciated, thank you.
#275 by Oscar on September 26, 2013 - 1:04 pm
First thank you james for share what u think can help other relationship like my i really love u test
#276 by Anonymous on September 26, 2013 - 12:06 pm
Been married for 27 years my husband was having a text messaging affair with a woman he went out with 30years ago. Still dealing with the hurt and cant trust his words.doing all this while im working. To buy things he wants.
#277 by King on October 1, 2013 - 12:19 pm
If your husband is having a text message affair, you need to open up about this knowledge and talk to him about your relationship, whether you are still growing in the same direction and how he still feels about you. It may not be what you think it is, but why he feels he needs to seek the thrill of talking to another woman is all on him to explain to you, maybe he is going through some insecurities about the marriage and his feelings for you and while you aren’t going to stand their and give him permission to ruin your marriage with a potential infidelity, you can love him and offer him the choice of how he wants to proceed, even if it means letting him go.
Whether he needs a trial separation to really understand what he has with you, can he then be able to love you more or let you go and allow you to be loved by someone else as you fully deserve. It’s not about who’s fault it is of what lead to this situation; everyone is accountable in their own way, no matter how big or small it was part of the equation.
Let him know this, let him try to reconnect with his feelings for you because as long as you have tried your best and haven’t done anything untowards, you can walk away with your integrity that you weren’t the one who chose to walk away from something great you both share and you aren’t settling for anything less. Marriage is a funny thing in this day and age where everyone is increasingly choosing to stay single for longer, opt for divorce more easily, it does however, make those couples who both still put equal effort into their successful marriages even more special and rare.
#278 by Faith Norville on September 26, 2013 - 7:32 am
Love this story. Hope that my son will take something from this.
#279 by shemalehookers1.tumblr.com on September 26, 2013 - 5:46 am
To quote the sharp Benjamin Franklin: There isn’t any shame in being ignorant,
only in refusing to learn. Thank you for helping me
learn.
#280 by Donna Tyson on September 25, 2013 - 1:37 pm
As a divorced woman of a 35 year marriage.This man speaks the total truth.Most of this led to the deterioration of my marriage. …. I so wish we would have read this before things got beyond repair.
#281 by philline on September 25, 2013 - 8:44 am
testing
#282 by Aaron on September 24, 2013 - 6:46 pm
No better words have ever been spoken and it’s unfortunate that we learn these too late. I am with you 1000%! Also, Marry the one you really love don’t settle. That would of been the first step and the rest of these on this list rinse and repeat everyday. Lets hope all of us get a second chance and apply these lessons learned.
#283 by susie tukes on September 21, 2013 - 3:32 pm
My marriage ended after 27 years.My first love and My everything.But I divorced him for taking me for granted.He choose to look at me as nothing.Bought another woman in our home then asked me to move out.Which I did.What is happening with our middle men.Why wait until Ur 50 to destroy your marriage and most of all the woman that loved U.Your message I pray reach a lot of men and straighten them out.
#284 by Lonely Huntress on September 20, 2013 - 12:02 pm
Reblogged this on Being a Huntress and commented:
Nice thoughts. It’ll be helpful to newly divorced couples and bf/gf’s who happened to break up. 😦
#285 by every thing on September 17, 2013 - 12:10 pm
thaaaaaaaaanx
#286 by Nvi on September 17, 2013 - 9:27 am
Nice one and a good reminder
#287 by Michelle-Renee on September 17, 2013 - 3:30 am
Reblogged this on INSPIRED and commented:
In the end…working to give agape LOVE at all times…will never fail~
#288 by Michelle-Renee on September 17, 2013 - 3:24 am
Wow….truly INSPIRED!
#289 by officialwarranty on September 17, 2013 - 2:04 am
Lovely post! Reblogged it on
http://officialwarranty.wordpress.com/
#290 by officialwarranty on September 17, 2013 - 2:00 am
Reblogged this on What Lies Beneath The Rock and commented:
If we make the conscious decision to daily place our spouse’s desires and needs above our own, and that’s reciprocated, the marriage will succeed.
#291 by Steve Schloss on September 15, 2013 - 1:17 pm
Great list and hats off to Gerald!
Now the key is putting his advice into practice.
I have written a “playbook” for Men called “The Men’s Secret to a Happy and Sexy Marriage in Less Than 10 Minutes a Day”.
Download the first Chapter for Free to build on Gerald’s advice: http://goo.gl/WuKIag
#292 by Steph on September 15, 2013 - 10:15 am
I’ve never fallen in love, probably because I’ve never let myself get close enough to a guy to be able to do it, your post inspires me to leap and see where I land. Thank you.
#293 by edmondantes on September 17, 2013 - 10:56 am
Me too. very ispiring and thanks for sharing
#294 by Shannon on September 20, 2013 - 12:54 pm
Make that jump!! Don’t build up a wall and let no one in. You will miss out on a journey that everyone should take.
Marriage is amazing. It’s hard, trying, tiring and everything else that’s already been said. But at the same time truly amazing. It’s work and can be hard work at that. But worth every minute of the hard times.
Add children and the job is harder but even more amazing!!
It’s a journey you won’t regret 🙂
#295 by Tsansai on September 15, 2013 - 8:49 am
Reblogged this on Sour Skittles and commented:
Amen, amen and Amen! Applicable to both sexes in committed relationships.
#296 by Anonymous on September 15, 2013 - 2:58 am
Ohh my word I am encouraged…I feel lyk a queen already,I am so hopeful for the future if there are man like James!Thank u.
#297 by letmebeyourlesson on September 14, 2013 - 8:35 pm
Reblogged this on Sail Away Another Day.
#298 by ayearfromnowchampagne on September 14, 2013 - 1:15 pm
Good advice, except that sometimes you CAN make another person sad and sometimes it is your job to fix it, or at least do more than just hold her. That’s one thing men don’t understand about women – yeah, a lot of times we know there are issues that can’t be resolved and that’s okay. But sometimes when you do something that makes us sad, we do want to have a discussion about it and try to resolve it in such a way that it won’t happen again.
#299 by TristaLynn on September 12, 2013 - 6:43 pm
I read this after a found the link on Pintrest and I loved it. I shared it on Facebook and tagged my husband. Too many marriages end in divorce and being newly wed it is very important to me to make my marriage work!
#300 by height growth exercises on September 12, 2013 - 3:14 pm
This is my first time go to see at here and i am actually happy to read everthing
at single place.
#301 by RA on September 11, 2013 - 1:30 pm
Girlspeak- Fresh into a divorce, I have to say that I believe the keyword is love (on both sides). It makes up for a lot of other shortcomings. I believed the institution was made in heaven and sacred. Sadly I had to pull myself out because of abuse and disrespect for which there is no room in this relationship. I read this article and feel only if… The advice sounded so good.. Good luck to the troubled couples who choose to follow the given advice.
#302 by theedcommunity on September 11, 2013 - 8:12 am
Reblogged this on The Ed Community and commented:
Rebloged post from the article “Beautiful advice from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage”
#303 by Alex on September 11, 2013 - 1:14 am
Nice article, but it may be misleading in it’s purpose. Two books I would suggest to shed some light and science to the “Divorce epidemic.” If you are in love, or a newly wed husband or wife, you may benefit from the following books much more…
First is “Women’s Infidelity”. The book is not just about infidelity, but the whole psychological process most women go through. This is the book for those “perfect” husbands that did everything right (from the women’s words), but couldn’t compete with some basic evolutionary predispositions that most if not all women have. This book is far more important for women (written by a woman) who often drown in shame and guilt after such a divorce or infidelity thinking that they are somehow flawed.
The second book is “Sex at Dawn”. It goes deep into the science of it all.. sexual, emotional, parental, etc.. Quite an explosive stuff and hard to deny, given all the overwhelming evidence that marriage as we know it (our concepts about the way it should be) is one of the most unnatural states for a human being.
#304 by greatredwoman on September 10, 2013 - 10:47 pm
My spouse had been divorced 3.5 years when I married him. I had never been married. This year, we celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary.
A few years ago, my spouse went to a Late Night Men’s group and sat around a table for 10. All men around the table had been married at least twice. Many of them said that they’d wished they had put much greater effort into their first marriage. now THAT was poignant!!
#305 by greatredwoman on September 10, 2013 - 10:44 pm
So very and utterly poignant. We often learn the most profound lessons during life’s greatest pain. When he is ready to enter a new relationship, I’m betting he does it differently. Best of luck to him. Divorce is so very painful
#306 by summer on September 10, 2013 - 10:07 pm
this is indeed very inspiring and something we can learn from. 🙂
#307 by anonymous on September 10, 2013 - 7:32 am
She was amazing
Heart fluttered just by the sound of her voice and the day brightened with her every smile, awakening deep feeling from her warm style. Musically sounds would lift my thoughts, feeling so much closer to her it brought.
When she cried my tears joined hers holding each other tight, pain together we would fight. When she laughed so uncontrollably and gave me a gift to laugh with her so boldly. When she was upset and angry because she was so scared, gave her confidence from what she feared.
Feelling so right, couldnt see the wrong. I was in love she was just holding on. When I seen her that day with her arms around another man so tight, realized plan B would be my plight. I waited unconditionally and felt I was the man she needed truly. I couldn’t see what I did wrong, blamed my self for the change in her song. Now I know life is not fare, it took a while to find she was no longer really there. The sun was setting in her world but still rising in mine, felt us growing together yet didnt see it was us growing apart over time. Unconditionally is a word I used with love freely. What I didnt see was the word had its own condition, her choice to no longer want me. It proved that lifes changes naturally and need to find a new start, when one half doesnt feel the other halfs part.
Today watch the sun rise and set together as long as your world feels forever because in life forever is to long for today~Steven Previch
You will find true love when you finally let go of the person who doesnt truly love you~Steven Previch
#308 by Eric Palmer on September 9, 2013 - 8:51 pm
Excellent read. May I add my two cents? I am on my third marriage. This one, my final one, is different because I am different. I have learned more over the last 20 years in this marriage than I ever thought was possible. I am different now because I am invested in this marriage completely. We renewed our vows after 20 years because I am willing to marry who she has become, not just who she was.
First, don’t go into marriage with unrealistic expectations, thinking it is going to be all peaches and cream. It isn’t. But, invest your time and energy and you will be paid back generously.
Make your spouse THE priority. Your time is more important than the end of year bonus that you get for putting in 80 hours a week at work. Too many “providers” end up alone because their wife was already left alone.
There is no winning an argument. Disagreements will happen. Learn to disagree and compromise. Listen, speak your mind, then be done with it. Arguements end with two angry losers.
Romance with butterflies, pixie dust and rainbows will fade. If you let it, your marriage can grow into a place of security and safety that is even better than teenage romance. There is nothing better than knowing your partner will be by your side during tough times; a shelter during the storm. And when the storm is over you did it together.
Life dishes out some difficult circumstances.My wife and I are more like two yoked mules. When she is tired, I pull a bit harder and I can rely on her to do the same when I am weak and weary. Neither one of us gets left in the rut alone. We share the burdens as well as the easy times.
Sometimes, you may have every right in the world to be angry. You may even have the right to leave the marriage without taking any of the blame with you. Use deference and be forgiving. Chances are, you will probably need the favor returned when you do something completely stupid. Ask yourself, “Is saving the marriage more important than being right?”
Love is more than chemistry or some obscure feeling. It is a choice. You made the choice once. Make that same choice everyday.
Always greet her as if she was the one person that you really wanted to see more than anyone else. The only person that makes your day. Trust me, she will look at you as if you were the king of the world.
Sacrifice. My wife hates coming home and having to clean the kitchen. So, I beat her home everyday and do that one little thing. It may not be much, but I know that one tiny thing makes her happy.Find little things that make her happy.
Be happy, positive, interested. These are habits. Change your attitude. Make a conscious effort everyday to be the best husband you can be and it will become habitual. The only way to to learn good habits is to repeat them over and over. When you were young, brushing your teeth was not instinctual. It was something your mother had to remind you to do every night until it became a habit.
Being a good husband will be one the biggest role you play in life. Your children will learn from it and in turn will be good husbands and wives. More importantly, they will seek out good husbands and wives.
Lastly, its not about who takes the blame for a bad marriage. Its about who takes responsibility for making it a good one.
#309 by Anonymous on September 17, 2013 - 10:17 pm
I think your response is better than the original. Thanks!
#310 by Shannon on September 20, 2013 - 1:13 pm
True words. This was very well written and newly weds can learn from this.
The one that sticks out to me is doing the small things for each other. The little things that seem not really that important.
But if your spouse (this can go either way) sees that you pay attention. You know that they listen to you. You know they are willing to do that small thing (like cleaning the kitchen) everyday to make your life a little easier, then it’s all been worth it.
My husband does those things for me a lot. With four children, he knows having a clean kitchen (that I didn’t have to clean) is like feeling like you hit the lotto some days! Lol
Great read. Thank you!
#311 by Nancy on September 30, 2013 - 8:52 am
WOW, WOW, WOW – what insight. We should all enter every relationship not to receive but to give – it would change the world. I loved that statement – I am different!! So many want a relationship for all the wrong reasons and when trouble comes or attraction fades so does the marriage. Great insight for both men and women 🙂
#312 by anonymous on October 16, 2013 - 9:33 am
I especially like the part about how you and your wife are like two yoked mules!
#313 by abigailtuffour on December 17, 2013 - 5:17 am
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#314 by tcgconsultant on September 9, 2013 - 11:23 am
Reblogged this on The Clean Game and commented:
Worth reading a few times a year, even if you’re not in a relationship! 😀
Awesome!
#315 by John Valenti on September 9, 2013 - 11:15 am
Totally appropriate. I will use this as a guide going forward!
#316 by Hansueter on September 9, 2013 - 6:27 am
Why is divorce never the woman’s fault? I’ve seen quite a few different versions similar to this and its always directed towards the man. I tthink this is great into for either sex!
#317 by Anonymous on September 9, 2013 - 11:22 am
I’ve read, and it made sense to me, that a fundamental failure in our culture is that of the husband failing as a leader in his relationship and family. A leader in the family does not give up, does not make excuses and always holds his Love in the highest light. As a husband and father we must persevere in our stand for love to be present. Be a rock, steady and sturdy, unwavering. Remember though that a marriage must be a team effort, choose your spouse wisely. Not all people have the same idea about personal responsibility. My first wife, who is the mother to my two children, was ALWAYS and still in her subsequent relationships, looking for SOMETHING / ANYTHING / SOMEONE to blame for her experience – all the while not even realizing that all her complaints are her own creation / chosen perspective. We all must be diligent to look at our selves first to be responsible for how we percoeve the world AND be diligent that we are spending our mental energy to create the experiences we want with our intentions and our heart. In a relationship that is fullfilling BOTH parties must practice this.
#318 by Papiya on September 9, 2013 - 2:03 am
Thanks for sharing such a lovely post. I must say what a bright idea of tying knot with a lovely
soul-mate! Your post evokes the memories of my D-day. Can’t wait for your next post; keep
posting. For wedding pics and ideas; visit Koncept Bandhan.
#319 by funbilemobile on September 8, 2013 - 5:56 pm
Reblogged this on funbilemobile.
#320 by grant on September 8, 2013 - 1:11 pm
Why is it always about the woman ? What about the man? Should it not be about both parties???? Bit sexist…
#321 by Hiya on September 9, 2013 - 3:21 am
My friend, if you need to, pretend this is a woman giving this advice to women about marriage. As men, we have had more than enough time on earth here “having our way”. In this time both sexes have contributed to tipping the scales iut of balance toward the male driven ego. The balance is restored here and now with us standing in our power and fully accepting the work that both sexes need to do in order to fix what is hurting. As a man, feel free to take the advice and treat her in a good way. If you can follow this advice and have it ring true in your heart, than the world is healing with you.
Sincerely,
A single dude
#322 by Shannon on September 20, 2013 - 1:18 pm
Good response Hiya. It’s not “always about the woman”.
Luckily there are men reading this that get it.
#323 by Conni on September 8, 2013 - 9:37 am
Very inspiring and helpful! We all take love for granted at one point and another.
#324 by Anonymous on September 7, 2013 - 7:12 pm
I made the right moves by leaving the man I loved 18 years ago and giving way my heart to the man that loves me dearly with his heart and soul.
Within 2 years with my precious man, he really put an effort to make me smile and never let me cry or sad.
We, woman should give them chances to prove that they(man) are worthy to stay with us.
To all the man out there..
To be love is wonderful
Wonderful can create a lot of happiness
Sincerely from me, Hanin Ainon
#325 by bukkym on September 7, 2013 - 10:31 am
Reblogged this on Life, Style & Fashion.
#326 by balauru on September 7, 2013 - 9:27 am
Reblogged this on The anonymous depressive.
#327 by Asiyah Rashid on September 6, 2013 - 4:27 pm
Beautifully inspiring
#328 by Primus Rabb Jr. on September 6, 2013 - 12:38 pm
I found this article very inspiring, encouraging, and extremely uplifting, I plan on sharing it with as many people as possible. We need more of these testimonies from broken men.
#329 by Anonymous on September 6, 2013 - 2:05 am
The truly sad part about this article is by the time most men/women come to realize the importance of their relationship it is often to little to late.
#330 by Spike Farrell on September 6, 2013 - 1:49 am
Divorce damages everyone involved, but many people think that only the woman gets hurt. Wrong! My relationship of 23 years collapsed a while back, and I was put through hell by my ex-wife, the lies and mis-information she gave to my friends, absolutely shocking! If you would like more on this matter, please go to spikefarrellsurvivingdivorce.blogspot.com ,it will be worth your while. This blog will help you, and add to your surviving divorce.
#331 by Flipflop on September 5, 2013 - 10:20 pm
I too am divorced after 16 years of marriage. I do think there is a lot to be learned from the experience. You do take time to reflect on the past and of course, we think of how to make future relationships better. I think #3 is a very important one for all couples to remember. Newlyweds always say that they will last forever. It’ll never happen to them. It’s important to remember, either party can leave at ANY time!!! For ANY reason! I finally realized one day that I didn’t HAVE to take mental abuse anymore.
#332 by blackwatertown on September 5, 2013 - 8:39 pm
Interesting post – but no matter how closely one follows the points – there is no guarantee. It’s not within your control – which is both an exhortation to try harder and a realistic warning that it may still not work out even so.
#333 by vanessa on September 5, 2013 - 8:36 pm
Wonderful to see a man’s perspective on love lost and the lessons learned from it to share with others. I believe we ALL can learn from it in keeping and staying in a marriage.
#334 by nikziead on September 5, 2013 - 6:13 pm
Reblogged this on Welcome To Nikky's Love Corner and commented:
Nice one there.
#335 by Lisa on September 5, 2013 - 11:16 am
So incredibly beautiful. Good for you for learning from the lesson. Sad that it was not in time and that your (former) wife’s pain may be another’s gain. GOD bless you both. Stick with your advice, seek one of like mind who will react “in kind” and you will truly have a beautiful gift.
#336 by chert and gneiss on September 4, 2013 - 6:18 pm
Reblogged this on Calm after the storm.
#337 by fforfuckyou on September 4, 2013 - 12:30 pm
Reblogged this on fforfuckyou.
#338 by Anonymous on September 4, 2013 - 3:11 pm
Sounds like a woman wrote this.
#339 by JM on September 13, 2013 - 6:11 pm
Absolutely!!
#340 by Jorge on September 4, 2013 - 12:14 pm
Everything on this writing can be found in any women’s magazine at some point or another. I was married for 10 years to a woman to whom I gave just about everything that is recommended here and she still took off with another guy. People change, period; especially when you marry young. Every person does things for their own reasons and nothing you do will “make her want to stay” if she has already decided to leave. These recommendations are great to keep things going in a marriage where BOTH individuals make the commitment to follow them. No one sided application of this, or any other advice for that matter, will make a difference. That, my friends is the reality of any relationship. My ONE piece of advice is this… find someone that can put up with the worst of you and from whom you are willing to do the same. Once you can do that, all the pretty little things in this writing can help keep you going. If you can’t commit to your partner’s worst, then you’re not committed at all. With that said, never put up with abuse or ridiculous one sided demands. If you are in an abusive relationship, get out.
#341 by Anonymous on September 4, 2013 - 1:32 pm
this one makes more sense to me. Its all in the womens magazines. So unrealistic and puts to much pressure on both partners. the last sentence is so true , if your in an abusive relationship, get out. Elaine
#342 by Anonymous on September 5, 2013 - 6:59 am
I agree with you.
#343 by Anonymous on September 4, 2013 - 8:05 am
What a wonderful reflection as a female I really appreciated the compassion of the accounting of what had gone wrong and more so the ownership. As a female I had to assume that the ex was also at fault as it takes 2 to tango. Absolutely a great read and I hope the movie will include the Bruno Mars song I should have bought you flowers.
#344 by Jennifer Lent-Trimble on September 4, 2013 - 7:25 am
This is wonderful advise that should be followed not only by the husband but the wife as well. The wife needs to cherish her husband everyday in the same way because he too CHOSE her. To all you people complaining how this is BS because you did everything right & you relationship still failed, 1. This isn’t a promise to a 100% problem free relationship, only a way how you can go into one with opened eyes & heart & allow the love you have in the beginning to remain there throughout the length of your relationship in order to better appreciate & understand & stand by your partner in good times & bad, & 2, read it again because you obviously missed the part about not faulting your partner for your emotions. Find where you went wrong & need healing. As an ex wife myself I do know that loving isn’t enough but also that it does take 2 an at some point both parties are at fault somewhere & when you accept that you can start accepting your partners pain & begin to heal. You may never heal together, but you are not like he said responsible to change your partner only to let them know you are there to comfort & hear them & to be the foundation they need.
#345 by builds on September 4, 2013 - 4:52 am
Good day! Would you mind if I share your blog with my facebook
group? There’s a lot of people that I think would really enjoy your content.
Please let me know. Cheers
#346 by jrl on September 4, 2013 - 9:37 am
Of course. -JRL
#347 by Beverly on September 3, 2013 - 9:47 pm
My ex that I was martied to for 20 years should have had these to read daily! He did the complete opposite of all of them. 😦
#348 by Anonymous_Reader on September 3, 2013 - 8:57 pm
I agree with what many people are saying. Yes, marriage and relationships are a two way street. However, I think the point of this article (as pointed out by the title) is to express the male perspective to succeeding in a marriage. Of course many of the points the writer brings up apply to women as well, but this is what HE thinks HE could have done better to contribute to the relationship. It was a beautiful read. And as a woman I believe that the female in the relationship should also abide by these words of wisdom.
#349 by EqualityOverQuantity on September 3, 2013 - 3:39 am
All of this is great, but what should the woman be doing to keep the man in her life happy? Relationships and marriage are a two way street, it shouldn’t be the man who has to do all the work and every romantic gesture.
I should realise that ‘She chose me’ – but she should realise that ‘I chose her’ too…
#350 by Genericmommy on September 3, 2013 - 6:19 pm
Yes women should most definitely be doing the same things. The point of his article though, was to talk to men because..he is a man.
You are right , if only one person in the relationship is working on it, obviously it is not going to work. Marriage is damn hard. It takes two to tango, but sometimes one of the parties truly is not at fault and has done everything they could before giving up. Sometimes each person will work hard but at different times, that does not work either.
If we can learn to understand what he said “FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM” we would be more receptive to each other.
#351 by antilemming on September 4, 2013 - 10:01 am
“It takes two to tango, but sometimes one of the parties truly is not at fault and has done everything they could before giving up.”
I would say this EXCEEDINGLY rare. More often then not, one party may THINK they are not at fault.
#352 by genjeny@hotmail.com on September 3, 2013 - 7:44 pm
This was a perspective from a man’s point of view. HIS part, HIS ROLL as husband. If men weren’t so worried about what’s in it for them, and take responsibility for themselves, their behaviors, words and actions, drop the selfishness, they wouldn’t need to ask what a woman should be doing to keep her man happy. “Happy wife, happy life” is what you’d get. There is no disputing there are many differences between men and woman. Women are givers, nurtures, even to the point of their own detriment, if her needs were being met, so, too, would yours. It’s an automatic response.
#353 by antilemming on September 4, 2013 - 10:06 am
Sounds like you don’t know women very well and perhaps have a touch of misandry. Interesting that you believe that women are saints and men are dirt. If you are straight-female, I feel bad for your husband/bf…if you are male, you should learn to self respect.
So in your belief that men and women are so inherently different and since you are so quick to point female-virtures, are there any male-virtues (other then their utility to women)?
#354 by Janice on September 3, 2013 - 2:04 am
I wish my soon to be ex would read this article and take note. He is to selfish for that. I was always giving, giving and giving, and all he did was take, take, and take. He was never a good husband, father and not a provider. He wouldn’t talk to me and had no respect for me either. He always put his friends before his wife and children. I don’t understand how he could do this. He tells me he can’t stand for me to touch him or to see me. I’m the one who should be feeling this way. I did everything I could to try to make him happy and be close to him but he ignored me. I wasn’t important enough. If he had treated me half as kind as he did his friends then we might could have made it.
#355 by Sandy on September 3, 2013 - 10:55 pm
My husband is the same way. I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like I’m beating a dead horse, or that I’m nagging over and over again when I tell him how I feel, but he just doesn’t listen. I know he hears me, but he just doesn’t listen. I give my all for our marriage and I don’t know why. It’s exhausting, depressing, and pathetic when I get nothing in return.
I have told him numerous times that I feel like his roommate (when he feels like talking to me), nanny, housekeeper, and house manager.
He’s cheated on me. I should divorce him; I know I should. It’s so, so dumb not to.
#356 by Anonymous on September 13, 2013 - 8:13 am
I could have wrote this post! Every sentence describes my marriage with the exception of being a provider.I am staying for four more years until my youngest goes to college. I am starting to build a life for myself beginning now… and I feel so free and empowered and a sense of joy that I have not felt in years! I’m losing weight, volunteering, teaching children in bible study, restarting my business that i gave up to help him build his and making friends. I want more than $ I want love!!
#357 by Anonymous on September 6, 2013 - 8:43 am
Dear, Janice
A marriage is a relationship and when that ship is no longer able to take out to sea, it’s time to repair it or abonden it!!! Reading your comment above makes me feel sorry for you and your children one because you have stayed in the relationship too long, and secondly you have subjected your children to a very unhealthy family core. (A Lesson I Learned Myself) So with that Please find it with in your self, the STRONG Woman that you are, Loving MOM and Provider to move on, let GO …. Move Forward to the next Chapter in Your Life.
May your heart be filled again with love and compassion for another when the time is right but remember the charter, traits and past challenges in your life.
May you forgive but we must not forget, we as Women need to be less Co-Dependant ! May Your New Journey Be Better Than Ever, and Your Relationship with Your Children grow Stronger than ever !!!
#358 by GB on September 2, 2013 - 7:40 pm
At this point in my marriage (verge of divorce), I find things like this to be such bullshit.
I did all the things I was supposed to. I was very attentive, I let her pick the house, the furniture, was 100% transparent, romantic, bought flowers, sent cards, blah, blah, blah, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
I caught her having an affair with a wealthy ex (also married). When I found out about the affair, I said I wanted to make it work… Guess what? She still denies the affair, even though I had rock-sold iron clad evidence.
Wise up, guys — Sometimes, it just ain’t gonna work.
#359 by genjeny@hotmail.com on September 3, 2013 - 7:57 pm
I’m sorry for your situation, GB. Your attitude on this subject is understandable. You are in the unique situation of understanding too, from experience, what most women go through in relationships. The shoe being on the other foot, as it were. An advantage and a good thing. Do unto others. Don’t think of this a bullshit. It’s not. And it does work. It is she, you’re wife, that doesn’t work. Don’t make someone else pay for her issues and don’t stop being the man you are.
#360 by antilemming on September 4, 2013 - 5:33 pm
In my experience there is nothing unique about GB’s experience. Women certainly aren’t saints or perpetually oppressed. The difference is men are simply expected to “man up” and take it.
#361 by Michelle on September 4, 2013 - 1:04 am
His wife might have felt the same way. He may be naming a lot of things he DIDN’T DO that he should have done…you know, 20/20 hindsight.
#362 by Surya on September 2, 2013 - 1:13 pm
not everything that was said is true,
some of them I agree.
first, when you get married you should know the purpose of it.
just like life, human life has purpose.
when you do find the purpose, share the purpose with the beloved one.
woman did change alot of time.
and sometime it makes man difficult to understand them.
so….
the best tips to make a marriadge last forever ever after is :
accept each other whether the weakness or the strength.
people need acceptance and apreciation.
people do not really need to be worship everyday.
thank you.
#363 by jrl on September 2, 2013 - 1:36 pm
“first, when you get married you should know the purpose of it.” Very good. Thank you for this. If you wouldn’t mind, please elaborate, and we’ll post your comments in the “Women’s response…” article.
#364 by Anonymous on October 27, 2013 - 3:21 am
I have known my husband for 10 n other guy for 9 years i couldnt know who is the one i love . after that i married with my husband , After one year I realize m not loving my husband anymore since before we married . Everything change since he doesn’t care n let other guy came since last 9 years . I really regret that don’t know the one I really love
#365 by Ganny on September 2, 2013 - 7:21 pm
I agreed with you Surya, married with purpose. My ex-husband married me for – I am his superannuation guarantee only, I am aware a lot of marriage are for the financial convenient only, should they both stay together for this purpose then it should be fine. but when the provider been cheated, manipulated as a pretentious genuine love & drain financially, it’s terrible & nightmare for the rest of my life.
#366 by Jakes on September 2, 2013 - 1:08 pm
Very valuable insights given from an experience that rocks your world. I have been married to two woman and both marriages failed. I have lived with someone I’ve loved since school for 9 months. In my opinion, I have tried my utmost to be patient, understanding, tolerant etc. At some point your humanity can’t handle false accusations, scewed perceptions and basically the inability to trust. I got angry, I spoke loud (ended up shouting) and my worst defense mechanism is hurling hurting words I don’t mean to say.
needless to say – it didn’t work. My heart is broken and I am emotionally devastated. We love each other so very much but her past issues and lack of self-love and acceptance, my (unbeknown to me) issues from my previous marriages and issues with our individual children caused one extremely sad breakup.
If I had to follow the advise above, things may have been very different, however, I may have ended up feeling like the tar road everyone drives over, not being able to express my own frustrations and disappointments.
I will give so much to be happily married to this woman, my dream woman. I would be willing to go another round if “What counts for me Counts for her” .
Men are not emotional rocks – we also feel and hurt!
#367 by akalite chiamaka sylvia on September 2, 2013 - 11:49 am
It I̶̲̥̅̊S̤̈ a great advice not only for married couples non for the divorced,but also for those planing †̥ enter into d institution(marriage)
#368 by meerpat on September 2, 2013 - 10:38 am
Reblogged this on MeerPat♥ and commented:
This is true 😀
#369 by Anonymous on September 2, 2013 - 10:38 am
I am divorced after 15 years of marriage. I felt that it was all my fault for the failure of the marriage. I tried everyday.
Now 3 years later I have realized that it was not all my fault. Marriage is a 2 way street. You can’t just give all the time and receive nothing back. Your spouse has to give back to you in the relationship.
This is a great article but no one should be in a marriage where they are giving all the time and not receiving anything back. It can and most likely will lead to hurt feelings, resentment and divorce.
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#371 by LanceSmith on September 2, 2013 - 6:57 am
I believe all of these points apply equally to men and women. Arguably, one the mistakes too many men make is they are so willing to give in a relationship that they do not take time to realize that their happiness is just as important. If you have a wife that has stopped courting or constantly sees to worst in you or blames your for her constantly getting frustrated or wants to change who you are, etc..etc..etc your marriage won’t last long either. I don’t know what happened in your relationship or why it fell apart, but I guarantee there was plenty of blame to go around. I completely agree: “marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work.” The key is – and what seems to be missing here – is that it takes work for BOTH parties.
#372 by catnipkiss on September 1, 2013 - 5:16 pm
really beautiful, and if someone is in a marriage and needs to strengthen it, this is all really good advice. HOWEVER, not all marriages are meant to last. I am extremely glad I am not still married to the man I had 15 years and 2 kids with. If someone is abusive, cheating, or harmful to you in any way, it’s okay to say “I’m done!” Marriage is an outdated concept, and forever rarely happens, and often it should NOT happen. Having said that….Yes, I would love it if a man did all of these things, but only if I were reciprocating. The question should be what can I give, not what am I getting. If both parties feel this way, what a lovely partnership that would be!
#373 by Laura Woodsl on September 1, 2013 - 11:59 am
People often ask me how we have survived 38 years of marriage. Longevity is a feat most think of as remarkable for someone of our generation, who have not done notoriously well remaining committed to their marriages. My most typical response is to describe it as a roller coaster ride with ups and downs. The joy producing highs and lows that have you looking askance at your decision. To survive the depths of the low spots in one’s relationship, you make a conscious decision to ride them out or bail out. When you look back and ponder the ride, there is a sense of thrill and comfort and gratitude when you have chosen to hold on tight and stay the course. . A glimpse of hope is provided that will carry you through the peaks and valleys ahead.
Thank you for your profound words and sentiment! My intention is to include your list in each wedding card that I give in the future. Perhaps in anniversary cards as well, to encourage those who have journeyed far together to continue in the path with hope and LOVE.
Your words have come to find me at an opportune time, a moment of angst. They have lifted me up and motivated me, please know that I am grateful!
#374 by Anonymous on September 1, 2013 - 8:29 am
wow, so true, every married couple need to read and practice this.
#375 by Joe Young on September 1, 2013 - 6:42 am
I’ve been married twice. Once for a little over a year and this time for over 37. I’ve tried to follow these things, and probably have failed miserably. But I’m still happily married. My wife and I are still in love. I believe that only death will part us. These ideas are so true.
#376 by TM on August 31, 2013 - 9:29 pm
What happens when you’ve done all of these things and more, then SHE decides she wants to change everything about herself. This change encompasses doing drugs, drinking, having affairs, dying her hair all different colors, getting large tattoos, etc. What do you do when you continue to try to keep the marriage together even when she repeatedly tells you she’s done and wants nothing to do with you, and wants to take the children from their home to live in a shack without running water and no real space for them to be able to have their own privacy? I could keep going on, but I think the point would be moot, she has radically changed, and I have spent so much time hurting and waiting for her to come back. I have finally realized that this is not going to happen, so I am ready to move on. I don’t need feedback or answers to my questions, because I don’t think they exist. This is a great article, and I do agree that divorce rates would plummet if more people payed attention to the advice offered. That being said, it definitely is a two way street. Marriage is about being selfless. It is about loving and caring for someone else more than yourself. This needs to be done by both parties, and can be toxic when it is not. I hit a low and put a shot gun in my mouth. It took that low to get me to realize that point, and I just want to caution others from that. The best point of this article is to emphasize that you still need to love and guard yourself while maintaining a balance of greater love for her/him. Be careful, however, to recognize when someone is only going to continue causing harm to you and be responsive to it.
#377 by B Y on September 1, 2013 - 7:28 pm
TM…..i know you said no need to reply…..so forgive me but all you need to do is go get the kids…don’t wait just trust me….ive been where you are and I waited until my oldest had a black eye…ill never forgive myself…I now have custody, it can be done and all is well…its been a privelege….Remember you cannot love someone that doesnt love themself!
#378 by jennyrocajenny on August 31, 2013 - 9:10 pm
…this can be used as a homily……
#379 by JJ on August 31, 2013 - 4:31 pm
Wow. This wonderfully written article from one persons perspective was beautiful to read. Whether anyone agrees or disagrees with this article is not the point. This man laid bare his soul after quite possibly long hours of inner reflection as to why he ended up where he is. We now live in a throw away world and I wonder how many take the time to do this rather than rushing into another relationship without a thought as to why the last one failed.
The article is not about you nor I, it is about the person who wrote it. It is not up for debate whether his advice is right or wrong. There is no right or wrong when feelings are put into words and the choice is ours whether to take something good, learn from it, and apply it to our own lives in whatever way is suitable. It can be adjusted,changed, and molded to any situation.
The high of falling in love with someone new is a powerful drug indeed. It is much harder to keep falling in love with the person you promised forever and a day to. My question to all is… why is it that the thought of losing a pet breaks our heart, no matter how many times it annoys us? Yet we let the person we promised to love forever slip through our fingers.
Josh Billings
“A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.”
I feel privileged to have read this mans story, his perspective from a male point of view is one I never would have known if not shared. It is easy to trash our ex significant others, and oh so hard to man up and take responsibility for our own actions. Every time you point a finger at someone else there are three pointing back at you.
#380 by Anonymous on September 1, 2013 - 9:09 am
Well said 🙂
#381 by Frank Wunder on August 31, 2013 - 2:27 pm
This is good advice from an idealistic point of view in which both people are working towards the same goals.
This is also horrible advice as how many people will really want to commit to living out such ideals when there is the risk that they will not reciprocated?
I would think the real “charge” to men would be to accept the challenge of singleness and celibacy over a life of marriage and love. If you want to talk about sacrifice and selflessness sometimes it starts and ends with one person and one person alone.
I wish the best to all the men who are married or are planning to be married and I hope both partners in the marriage will follow this advice. But I won’t get my hopes up.
#382 by ewcollins on August 31, 2013 - 11:52 am
* The best thing about being divorced is not having to check with anyone or get anyone else’s permission to do something. I can now generally do whatever I want. I also never have plans made for me to do things with people that I do not even like.
* My main regret about being married was that I ever spent any time with any of my former wife’s family or friends. Although I would be in trouble if I did not attend family gatherings, when I did show up, nobody was that happy to see me anyway. They would, however, complain to my former wife if I was not there. What a waste of my time!
#383 by Anonymous on September 1, 2013 - 1:10 pm
Life IS what you make it.
#384 by Dawgus on September 1, 2013 - 8:58 pm
I made the run for 22 years and I am probably more guilty than anyone for leaving for “irreconcilable differences” vs one of us being drug addicted or alcoholic or violent. By all societal measures, we were a great couple (and one adult child when divorced). I also admire Gerald Rogers’ observations and beliefs – most have been around for decades or longer, some are fresh.
Like EWCollins and Frank Wunder, however, I realized it is not teamwork anymore. Men are portrayed in all wallks of life as unappreciated mindless providers who are not cool and worthy only of being ridiculed and to be the butt of jokes. It started on TV/media with the Al Bundy “Married with Children” approach to entertaining the sheeple and it is now a way of life in America. Bank accounts are drained and men (usually) retire in poor health and unable to enjoy what they provided for others (and no one else there to help them). It is selfless for sure, but old fashioned.
After trying to model positive career and physical fitness to inspire the “team” approach to life and love, it became clear there would only be one to carry the water – a noble calling, but I failed at trying to adjust to whatever is/was thrown at me and chose to forge ahead with my own healthy emotional and physical life. Many will call me a failure and a quitter, but I pay alimony and like EWCollins says, I do not have to keep up appearances with people who share no interest in the things which keep me emotionally and phsyically healthy.
#385 by Christine Morgan on August 31, 2013 - 10:28 am
It takes a real man to admit when he is at fault, unlike my ex who has been married for the second time around and still believing that he is perfect its all his first wife and my fault spreading lies feeding on the pity of others, that is childish, unattactive and a real turn off to an inteligent woman. “Men” women wants a real man take this from a real woman and a man with real experience who learned the hard way and still be a real man about it. That takes good character and gutts, “that’s a turn on”.
#386 by nack on August 31, 2013 - 10:08 am
I believe men owe it to themselves to not only practice these pieces of advice, but to also have the self respect to realize when they’re the only one contributing to the relationship.
Let’s face it, you can do every one of those things but if your partner doesn’t reciprocate, then they don’t deserve you.
#387 by Lorraine on August 31, 2013 - 7:35 am
Love is valuable!
#388 by jeny on August 31, 2013 - 7:27 am
I’ve been married for 14 yrs.my relationship with my husband is not so good.in short his been unfaithful with me 3 x through the 14 yrs.one of his relationship lasted 4 yrs from day we got married.I caught that and forgave him.he did it again with a different women.of course I forgave him again bec of our kids.did It again until finally since d last 2 yrs he settled. I’m the one that change.I didn’t mean it but yes I fell love with a guy.he caught me and forgave me.my problem now is I can’t love him anymore.after all d pain I’ve been through…I wish I could be that perfect wife again for him.I wish he would have took good care of my heart..
#389 by fikayo on August 31, 2013 - 6:20 am
I reblogged this and posted my response from a feminine POVE here http://spiceplaza.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/gerald-rogers-advice-after-a-divorce-a-feminine-response/
#390 by Annonymous on August 31, 2013 - 5:51 am
Am short of words cos this write up is lovely beyond words…
#391 by Niels Anonymous on August 31, 2013 - 4:10 am
maybe they are great insights…great instructions to follow…however,i think every life is different.not all of the above mentioned advices will work,in some lives none of them work.but who i am to say eh?…in 25 yrs of my age i might not have seen or experienced anything of the vast life waiting ahead of me.but i have one last question?why does these advices say – you(men) should to do this…should do that…..blah blah…goes on and on…..why doesnt the woman have to do anything??
#392 by Barbara White on August 31, 2013 - 1:59 pm
When I read this I automatically thought “this goes for both men & women”! Of course it takes BOTH to make/keep a good marriage! It’s just written from the guys perspective! Never ALL just the wife OR hubby’s responsibility to “make the marriage strong.”
#393 by Alice on August 31, 2013 - 2:25 am
A marriage is sacred and the most important relationship in life. These things listed are all lovely – things which both the man and woman should strive to put into practice for the sake of their marriage. But in reality man’s love can only go so far and last so long. Man’s love is like an empty glove – even if there is human love, that love, like the glove is empty. Only God’s love is real and infinite and only when you allow Christ’s love to enter into you, like the hand into a glove, can you truly love another being, and only from this can a person experience real love in full.
#394 by Andrew on August 31, 2013 - 8:40 pm
Wow Alice…. might I just say spot on, and can you please pray for my wife and I because we are separated. You may not know me, but God knows who you’re praying for, thank you
#395 by Alice on September 2, 2013 - 12:41 am
May the Lord fully gain you both through all the struggles and reveal Himself and His purpose on the earth today to you Andrew!
#396 by Adonike frank on August 31, 2013 - 12:49 am
That’s a very good advice,many pple are ignorant of d fact dt marriage needs preparation and knowledge cos marriage is a covenant nt contract.
#397 by Adamma on August 30, 2013 - 7:58 pm
Great insight but it is always easier said than done. We kinda realise these truths when the relationship is over or almost over. I wish our Nigerian men, especially those living in Nigeria will read this. It will change many relationships forever.. even mine. Thanks for sharing. I am sharing it right away too.
#398 by Jerald Dastrup on August 30, 2013 - 7:43 pm
As I read these comments I wonder why most everybody thinks this is such wonderful advise. The author hasn’t built a prototype that works.
I don’t agree with a lot of his points. I look for wisdom from those whose ideals have worked. The proof is in the pudding. If you want to be married for 50 – 60 years go seek know how from somebody that has been married that long. But, always remember the operator’s manual for everything in this life is the scriptures.
We’ve only been married for 37 years which, I admit, isn’t very long but it is a pretty good start. I’ll keep getting advice from people that were married before I was born not heart broken losers.
#399 by lee bartonb on August 31, 2013 - 6:20 am
Jerald if ppl today followed only half of this guys advice.. divorce rates would plummet.. ppl often learn hard lessons in times of tragedy.. ” you don’t know what you got till its gone” if often very true..
#400 by babybird on August 31, 2013 - 8:11 am
What an interesting perspective, calling him a heartbroken loser. You’ve been married for 37 years, but there’s one thing you’re missing that you can’t offer advice on. A divorce. He has life experience that gives him the ability to offer advice on being a better spouse – since he failed the first time. In my opinion, with failures come success. His advice and perspective mean more to me (and many others) than yours ever will…even with your 37 years. And don’t you think it’s time to stop calling people names? You’re kindof old for that…being married 37 years and all…
#401 by Michelle on September 4, 2013 - 1:32 am
Amen babybird. In the case of the author, he took his experience and learned from it. Not all people learn from their failures. But those who do are so much the richer for it. His insights as to what happened and what he maybe should have done differently are priceless. I am personally very thankful that he has shared those with the world. Many of us need them.
#402 by tjgypsyhippie on August 30, 2013 - 7:37 pm
Reblogged this on tjgypsyhippie.
#403 by Anonymous on August 30, 2013 - 5:55 pm
Thanks for writing I know now I need to let go of my past because. I lost a woman who I could talk to and laugh with and each day got stionger when she was in my arms but I lost her so I have a lot of time to get it right someday but I lost a real woman so I have to find a way to forgive my self for doing the wrong thing the past is to be in the past but I’m going to try to fix my future so I can be thank for still being alive because. When I with her she made me look at living again
#404 by Anonymous on August 30, 2013 - 4:08 pm
Somebody read Dave Deida!
#405 by Anonymous on August 30, 2013 - 4:06 pm
Good advice. Now some real talk. Women have the power. If they don’t abuse it, then all this works great. As soon as sex is used to negotiate and punish…forget it.
#406 by Rachel on September 4, 2013 - 12:47 am
I read through so many stupid comments and didn’t reply , but yours takes the cake. “As soon as sex is used to negotiate and punish” was what you said. Unless you are literally talking about your wife saying ” okay, I’m mad at you but if you give me an hour of foreplay I will forgive you” then you are ridiculous. If you upset your wife and she doesn’t want to have sex with you that is a reasonable choice. Why would she want to make love with someone who was upsetting her? Should she pretend to be aroused and give you sex if she doesn’t want it? I know some religious people feel that way, and it is supposedly a rule for both sexes, but I think the guy wins there. I mean, if he’s not in the mood then he cant get the equipment to work, so she’s out of luck. This article is meant to be a guide for men. Obviously it is implied that women should do the same for the husbands. So many commentors say you shouldn’t do this because of the risk that she won’t reciprocate. That thinking is the problem with relationships, the fear of giving and not getting back and the selfishness of not giving before being asked. We have to give our spouse unconditional love like we give to our children. Our kids tick us off and say hurtful things sometimes but we still love them and cherish them. This is how you stay married. The author is just giving his opinion on what works, not saying the man should do it all.
#407 by michaeleriksson on September 4, 2013 - 12:31 pm
I too have been sorely tempted to reply to a great number of comments, but have usually repressed the urge and not intended to make further comments. Since you have not resisted your urge, I make an exception.:
Considering the many, many stupid comments that have been made, I cannot in anyway share your assessment. In fact, there is a fair chance that your comment (!) takes the cake…
This includes tone, destructiveness, a too one-sided take, and the high likelihood that you have not understood the above comment by anonymous, which _likely_ refers to more deliberate withholding of sex or use of sex as a manipulative tool by the woman. (While I do not think it to be as common as anonymous appears to do, it does happen—and I suspect that the reason that it does not happen a lot more often is simply that the female sex-drive is fully comparable to the male.)
#408 by Rachel on September 5, 2013 - 11:27 am
Michaeleriksson, my comment obviously struck a chord with you. While your comment is well written I don’t see how it applies to my comment. You say you disagree with my “tone, destrutivness, and a too one-sided take”. I wish you would elaborate on what is one sided or destructive. I do agree that I should not have used the word stupid when referring to anonymous’ comment, however my message is about how people should give without thinking of what they will get in return. This message is neither destructive or one sided. Each person should be able to give without expecting to receive, regardless of their gender . If we could do this then the people in our lives would likely follow suit. If someone in your life continued to be manipulative then it would be clear that they were not deserving of your efforts. I do not believe that to be a one sided point of view, or destructive. Perhaps I did misunderstand anonymous’ comment, and some women can be manipulative, just as some men can be but I still think the comment was unrelated to the original post. The man was saying what he personally did wrong and would do differently, not what every man should do in every situation. This is a beautiful insight on what a husband can do to protect a healthy marriage, not how to fix a broken relationship or keep a manipulative person from playing dirty in their marriage.
#409 by michaeleriksson on September 6, 2013 - 4:13 pm
I grant that the latter parts of your comment are far better than the earlier; however, if you go back to the comment and try to read it as an impartial observer, you might see what I am talking about. What comes across is that you consider Anonymous an idiot, have no diplomacy, and have no interest in having anything even resembling a constructive dialog. (I stress, to avoid misunderstandings, both that impressions can deceive and that we all can lose patience from time to time.) Furthermore, your reaction comes over a likely harmless comment which could very well contain a valuable (if exaggerated) observation. (Unfortunately, this commment by Anonymous is vague and could be construed in different ways, which is why I make no definite statement here. However, you have almost certainly misunderstood it.)
As for your apparent criticism of the comment as off topic, I cannot share your view. It may not deal with the exact theme of the post, but it is sufficiently related. More generally, the comments that point to different aspects of a topic (or point to flaws in a post) are usually the most valuable—far more so than a hundred “Me too!”, “You’re so right!”, whatnot.
By analogy I have nothing against criticism of other commenters, per se. I would encourage you, however, not to be uncivil without provocation and to not attack comments you have not understood. If you do attack, try to find a worthier target, e.g. one of the many women who have dropped a “My husband has to read this!” comment (with variations).
#410 by Mark Frajbis on August 30, 2013 - 3:12 pm
Wise and encouraging words needed badly by so many, especially with divorce rates so high! Thanks so much for sharing your heart and feelings.
#411 by Anonymous on August 30, 2013 - 12:44 pm
Finally, a man who looked honestly at the relationship and put in words his thoghts, feelings, needs and desire to have a solid relationship. The basic thoughts are shared by both men and women. We all want to feel loved, cherished, and have a partner we can trust. If both men and women stopped being so selfish and stopped bitching and pointing fingers, we might have longer happier relationships. Is it any wonder our children are confused.
#412 by HitokiriBattousai on August 30, 2013 - 12:42 pm
Reblogged this on Our lives are not our own..
#413 by Chiron on August 30, 2013 - 10:24 am
While the above words provide great insight and ring true, one must remember that both individuals in the relationship must inspire all of these things and more. We hear so often that a relationship is 50-50, however each partner must give 100% to their 50% of the relationship in order for it to endure. As many have written, there is a balance however that doesn’t mean that it is always going to be 50-50. It has to be a sliding scale so to speak, it will not always be 50-50, remember it is give and take. However, do not give with the expectation of receiving, which is not how it works. You give because it is inspired; you give in the name of love, you give out of the desire to please your partner.
You inspire your partner to love you, you bring out the best in them and they in turn bring out the best in you. Without inspiration, there is no spark.
#414 by Vivian Craig on August 30, 2013 - 9:58 am
Love this article,men should not always think its the woman who has to make her marriage work,men should erase the believe that its a man world and stop been self centered….Marriage is beautiful and divorce is sure ugly.Nice write up
#415 by SparkleNoir on August 30, 2013 - 9:44 am
Why are so many people bitching about it being a two way street? That is a given people! If it wasn’t then you would be contending with Palmela Handerson instead of a partner. Also, for the record, forget all of this 50/50 crap. That is one of the worst misconceptions I have ever encountered. It’s 100% you each need to give. 100% to make it work. Marriage is one of the only occasions where 50% from each person doesn’t cut it.
#416 by Henry Dulkiewicz on August 30, 2013 - 9:21 am
His advise is good for a successful marriage . But the same advise for the women in the marriage ! Marriage is a 50-50 endeavor , including raising the children . This is the only way a marriage will succeed ! None of this my money & my stuff . It’s our money & our stuff . and the women must follow the same advise as this man quoted in his article . Like I said marriage is a two way street . I’ve been married it’s. Tie for 16 years , divorced & re married now for 34 yrs . & my 2nd. Marriage is the way my wonderful wife & I are handling it 50-50 on every thing we do & have done together !!!!!!!!!
#417 by CJ on August 30, 2013 - 9:20 am
Blown away at the simple insight. It’s all just written out so simply and clearly. It’s what I’ve known and have been trying to get across to my partner. I hope he gets it soon. Brought me to tears. I want to brag about my man in complete adoration.
#418 by Ome Klins on August 30, 2013 - 9:18 am
This is just a bag of truth… I liked every piece of it. Thank you
#419 by Amy on August 30, 2013 - 8:27 am
Would you say this article can be applied to boyfriends/girlfriends and not just married couples?
#420 by My Info on August 30, 2013 - 7:57 am
Best advice ever…can’t for the movie. My husband and I read this together. This advice is men (and women) of all ages. Thank you!
#421 by lovesonmi451 on August 30, 2013 - 3:58 am
*sonmi451 Quote Cloud Atlas* had to fit that part, I forgot to add it.
#422 by Anonymous on August 30, 2013 - 3:42 am
I loved this article! I have a problem with the people who responded with “The street goes both ways”, or “It is not just the man’s fault” though. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that both people are responsible. But God told MEN to love their wives as Christ loves the church. If more men truly loved their wives that deeply, passionately and strongly, then the wives would naturally do the same. I think this whole, “It takes two to make a marriage work” thing is a lie from the devil and an excuse to not try your best. If my husband has a bad day at work and comes home and bites my head off about something, that does not give me the right to treat him badly in response. I think if we all truly put our spouse and their needs above our own, there would be a lot less divorce. Love is a CHOICE, and if you aren’t trying to grow closer together, then you are growing farther apart.
#423 by Sharon on August 30, 2013 - 10:27 pm
All I ever wanted and asked for – was for my husband to love me as Christ loved the church. It was obviously too much to ask. He choose to be mean, grumpy, controlling, and we were nothing but a burden to him, a liar, could not do anything right, meet his high expectations or demands no matter how hard I tried. You can’t please someone who hates himself and you can’t make them love themselves either. They are hateful, evil, abusive people trying to break you and your children down to their ugly hateful level. Not anymore for me or my children. They say misery loves company – well he lost his company by choosing to be abusive. I am better than that.
#424 by honeydidyouseethat on August 30, 2013 - 1:26 am
My son was married just over two months ago. I’ve wondered what advice to give. Thanks.
#425 by Rhonda Worley on August 30, 2013 - 1:16 am
This is absolute truth. I loved every part of it andvit absolutely applies to both husband and wife. When things get off track, and they will, it doesn’t matter who pulled back first. The reality is it takes both parties participating fully to work. The minute one falters the trust immediately withdraws and the relationship begins to unravel. The key is to be quick to recognize it, bring it to the others attention so that both are in acknowledgment of what is happening and both can agree to move from that point forward tigether…each living for the other. My husband and I have been practicing this for 8 years now andvit works!
#426 by mike on August 29, 2013 - 11:57 pm
i wonder about me, I sacrificed all I was and everything I had for my ex wife. We met in college and she got better grades she informed me we would follow her career and she was gonna go here and there and I could come if I wanted to but if not oh well. I always followed and found what ever work I could do. She eventually became a lawyer and I became a stay at home dad. The nature of the insults increased, I was a looser who cold not find good work and I could not clean the house she liked. She left me for her lawyer co-worker. They have a good life he gets to see my kids everyday, and me with my stay at home skills and crappy resume just had my phone shut off and my car insurance expired. Im almost 40 and will probably have to move back home with mom and step dad. Im am left gutted and feel hurt and shattered. And all I did was try to get more active sex life was clled a pig and pervert and ocd and bipolar for wanting to have sex more than once every 6 months. but oh well she seems to enjoy sexing her new husband everyday now. She was married in less than one year after our divorce, once in awhile she likes to come over here and insult me more or when I get the boys she is prone to get nasty with me still yet. I have never ever cried so much in my life. And no who will want a 40 yr old looser who works very hard but gets low pay. I am robbed and murdered. I hate my life. I have had to dive into church and therapy, each day I must be rigorous or else I will fall into massive depression and suicidal thoughts. I has gotten a bit better but this has been so painful and hard
#427 by Lindsay on August 30, 2013 - 8:54 am
Keep your head up high, stay positive….40 is not too old at all. It’s never to late to change your career path….my husband just changed his career path and he is almost 40, you can become anything you want! Also there is nothing wrong with have been a stay at home dad, I’m a stay at home mom and its the hardest job I have had! You did what most people do, stay home with kids when person who makes more money worked, one day your ex will realize what you did for the family and hopefully apologize. One plus from it all is your kids, remember they love you and your their dad, so stay positive for them..I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work out but don’t worry there is someone else out there for you, whom you will be able to share the rest of your life with.
Stay strong.
#428 by Anonymous on August 30, 2013 - 8:58 am
I hope it gets better for you! It is now many years later, but I remember I was very insensitive toward my ex-husband. If I had it to do over, I would do it differently. I hope you will find someone who has already learned that lesson.
#429 by Anonymous on August 30, 2013 - 3:20 pm
It is never too late. 40 is still young, spend 5 years at college, even if it is by correspondence, and then spend 25 years doing a job you love.
#430 by Anonymous on August 31, 2013 - 11:23 am
God is a big God bigger than you own problems. He want you to know that he is first and if he first you don’t worry he have something better for you. Open your heart and believe for the woman God have for. This special woman will never leave for money or , for anything than you can think of, cause with God we have to take a step of faith in order to see his power come thru.
This was not the woman that he had for you. That why he lifted you. Now get up speak positive and the sun shine with hope of that something good God will bring out of this. Rejoice you are in victory.
#431 by wilmy on August 29, 2013 - 11:52 pm
This is so true…. I am not married yet bt this is exactly what I want and going to get (by Gods grace) in my marraige!
#432 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 11:17 pm
Step 21: it works both ways.
#433 by Bill on August 29, 2013 - 10:55 pm
All very true, however, that street goes both ways.
#434 by Dana on August 30, 2013 - 7:36 am
Bill, the only way you can have a two way street is if yours leads to an open road.
#435 by Connie on August 30, 2013 - 8:59 am
A “two way street” implies that you are expecting it in return. You are saying “I will do this if you will do it for me.” Thats controlling someone else’s behavior.
WHen we give expecting nothing, we cant be disappointed. We are blessed when they do those things and see it as a blessing instead of a requirement for our happiness. Great article.
#436 by mr kim l wilson on August 29, 2013 - 10:54 pm
I really enjoyed this reading on marriage
#437 by Ruben on August 29, 2013 - 10:37 pm
I realise how many of us, MEN have taken things for granted and also changed our lifestyle due to work and other commitments.Nevertheless the main highlight is to carry on loving the person endlessly even after marriage.You have seriously opened the eyes of many MEN including myself.Saying thanks to your simple words yet powerful actions will never be enough.Hats off to you and i am going to change myself this instance.
#438 by Griffin on August 29, 2013 - 10:28 pm
If only the man follows this advice and the wife doesn’t than the marriage is doom to fell anyway. It take both side to follow this kind of advise for a marriage to work
#439 by Lisa on August 29, 2013 - 10:03 pm
Thank-you!
#440 by LSDP on August 29, 2013 - 10:00 pm
This article applies to women as well. I just ruined a 10 year marriage. I wish I had this advice months ago. I always focused on the negative part of my marriage. I never appreciated my husband openly. We both let our marriage go. We didn’t go out as a couple. We didn’t focus on each other. He would get mad and yell and I would either yell back or cry or both. We were both stubborn. Our emotions got in the way most of the time. So finally, another man came into my life, promised me the world and I believed the jerk. I left my husband after a horrible argument one night and I went running to this “perfect man” who is now back with his wife and I’m left raising two kids alone. I’m an idiot. I hate what I did and I cannot change the past. I hope this article saves a marriage or many marriages. Mine is over. I hurt my husband too bad. But I will remember this advice for next time if given the chance to love again.
#441 by Ogor Winnie Okoye on August 29, 2013 - 9:57 pm
I totally agree with every tip in this article! I have been married for 15 years. It started off not quite what I expected until I kinda came to the realization that marriage was perhaps the hardest thing in the world and over-hauled how I approched mine. The result has been amazing! Marriage is hard work that bothers almost entirely on being selfless and placing the need of another human being before you! Something magical happens to any relationship when “love” is done through that slefless perspective! If you expect equal (50/50)contribution in all facets of your marital life, you are truly misguided and your relationship would not be based on love and definitely would eventually collapse! It is impossible to have equal reciprocity in marriage and recirpocity is actually not founded on love but on judgement! I did a you tube video some years ago on tips to a successful relationship and realized that this article mirrored my thought process. Here is the you tube video.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGRJD8sHugk
#442 by Arryn on August 29, 2013 - 9:55 pm
I am 21 years old and just so so so young. I have years ahead of me and the world at my door. recently my Girlfriend (Ex now) split up because we are on too different paths of life. One leads to med school, the other film school. The advice and ideas expressed in this piece have been the thoughts consuming me for the past month. Who must I become? How best do I support and love her from afar? Will we ever come back to us and pick up what was once the most amazing, brilliantly vibrant and alive portion of my life? After reading this article I see that I am not alone and I see the truth in the words spoken. The importance of this piece is immeasurable. Thank you for sharing this advice. thank you for not being afraid. With love in my heart I will move on becoming the man I want to be and she deserves.
#443 by lee ann daniels on August 29, 2013 - 7:44 pm
presently ending.a sixteen year. marriage. broke my. heart. have written many. thoughts. thought about. approching. a movie about. the many. experiences as well as the social emotional and spiritual ramifications
#444 by Jessica Madsen on August 29, 2013 - 6:02 pm
I think a lot of what was said is good advice but I didn’t see the team work. I have been married for almost 13 years. I let me husband be who he is and he does the same, we never go to bed mad, we never yell at each other I clean the house and he goes for a drive until we are calm and can have a rational conversation, the one thing I have learned very well is never threaten divorce it instills fear in your partner and causes a scar because your partner will almost always ask themselves if I meet in the middle is he/she going to leave me anyways. Never call each other names unless they are nice like sweetheart etc. Listen to each other even when the conversation is boring they listen to our stories we need to do the same. I was always taught marriage is 2 people that want to be together not need to be together. A need to be together is co-dependency and not healthy. The best rule is if you don’t have something nice to say keep it to yourself, don’t even tell your friends and it will never hurt anyone.
#445 by Ken Bridgens on August 30, 2013 - 12:57 am
Great comment Jessica. You have basically summarised my experience of marriage. In closing, one of my fav quotes in this area is : The sum goes like this 1 and 1 = 2, never 1/2 and 1/2 = 1? My first wife wanted the latter, was never going to happen ? Regards
#446 by Pete Lombard on August 29, 2013 - 5:31 pm
My wife just sent this to me as we are in the middle of our separation ….i have been pulled over on the westside hway in nyc reading this amazing compalation of words….i can only hope and pray that this amazing woman that I have spent the last twelve yrs of my life with allows me to use these words as a reflection point a guide line if you will to re cindle what we once had wich was the most amazing love desire respect that i have ever had for a woman….i’m truly sorry for any pain i have ever caused her she is and will always be my one and only true love….I love you Chante with my whole heart and soul !!
#447 by Ken Bridgens on August 30, 2013 - 1:01 am
Sometimes, just sometimes…..you have to love that person enough to walk away and let them become the person they truly want to be? The person they could never be if the two of you were together? I did that twice !!
#448 by Anonymous on August 30, 2013 - 6:19 am
made me cry… hope your relationship will be as happy as God made it to be. You both still love one another, and both responded the most precious thing in this world. God bless 🙂
#449 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 5:04 pm
Works both ways.
#450 by Michael on August 29, 2013 - 10:35 pm
No it doesn’t. That’s the first lie we fall for.
#451 by lilly on August 30, 2013 - 2:02 am
Yes it does.
#452 by Guss on August 29, 2013 - 4:24 pm
First of all, above all else. Make sure the woman you marry is the one that will respect you as you do her (and you should respect her). Never settle. Just because you fall in love, it doesn’t meant the other person is the RIGHT one for you. Marriage is a life long commitment. Or morally, that’s how it should be. It’s not something to take lightly, and rushed. I never understood how many people get married in their early 20s, or to the ONLY person they’ve ever been with. Many of those marriages end within 7 years. If there are things that you can’t over look, or can’t be resolved in the relationship, don’t just shrug them off, and hope for the best. Address them before committing. This is much easier to do when you have found yourself. Figured out who you are, and what you really want out of life to make yourself a better person. To gain the true confidence that you should have committing to marriage.
That being said, in short, that list is just common sense that most people have forgotten. It’s all about the golden rule. Treat others how you want to be treated. And your husband/wife, if they are the right one for you, will do the same. RESPECT and HONOR. Two key things in a marriage. Everything else falls in alignment. You lose either one of those two, that alignment is thrown off. You lose the other things that help keep a marriage together.
#453 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 4:59 pm
I think the golden rule has been misrepresented- try treating others how they want to be treated instead of how you want to be treated.
Focusing on how you want to be treated is self-serving and more often than not- fails.
#454 by Cindy on August 29, 2013 - 9:23 pm
My husband and I were married 3 weeks after I turned 20 years old and he had just turned 24. That was in 1979 and later this fall we will be celebrating our 34th anniversary. We have been blessed with a good marriage, not perfect but it’s been a great journey. We were bless with 2 children, a wonderful son-in-law and 2 grandchildren.
Thanks for sharing the insight as to what people need to do to keep their marriages going strong.
Too many people think marriage is like a disposable cup or plate. It does take a little work from both parties.
#455 by Cameo on August 29, 2013 - 10:08 pm
I don’t think that age or number of people you’ve been with have anything to do with it. Marriage is a commitment of the will to honour and cherish another person in a very unique way for the rest of your life. I’m 20 and getting married to my first boyfriend. We have struggled and fought for our relationship and I know without a doubt that we will make it. Call me naive, call me whatever you would like. I’ve heard it all. Once our lives are joined, we’re in it regardless of happiness or feelings of infatuation that are so fickle. I am convinced that many people go into marriages thinking that divorce is an option, As soon as you make that an option, your marriage is bound to fail.
#456 by Andrew on August 29, 2013 - 10:37 pm
Just a heads up Cameo. I went into marriage with the notion that divorce is not an option, and as far as I am concerned it isn’t, but my wife is having different feelings. I believe wholeheartedly that my marriage will be restored, though. Trials will come in your marriage, you will have fights, you will wake up some days feeling like you absolutely hate him, but if you keep Jesus in the center of your marriage and CHOOSE to love him regardless of what he is doing, your marriage will flourish. It will be hard at times, maybe even long periods of time, but overall you both will make it through, stronger and more in love than ever before. Statistics show that couples that wanted to throw in the towel, yet decided(for whatever reason) to try and stick it out, five years later 70 something percent were happily married and thankful that they stayed together.
#457 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 4:22 pm
I think most of us know this. We know how we felt when we got married. I believe the issue is each persons definition of love. If you were beaten as a child by your mother and/or your father but yet they told you they loved you, this is your interpretation of love. Each person is different and I believe we need to heal ourselves, Heal our inner child, get the necessary information before getting involved. It sounds almost impossible but if we make this a goal we will be way ahead of the game.
#458 by Cathy on August 29, 2013 - 4:21 pm
Is this guy available? Sounds like he learned a very hard lesson like most divorced people……I would love to meet someone that really believed and practiced these words of wisdom…
#459 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 4:21 pm
I have been married to my husband for 10 years. Together for 11 years. We have seen our fair share of ups and downs. He travels a lot for work and is gone more than two months at a time. It’s not that he doesn’t want to come home. It the fact that he can’t until the jobs are done. It is difficult to say the least. I have to be mom, dad, house keeper, taxi cab, and that’s just a small list on top of a full time job. So many of the points listed hit home with me big time. After reading them I went back through and wrote down how I think and feel he is with each one. I shocked my own self with my reaction to what I put down. There are a lot of them that I can’t remember when the last time that had happened.
Some of them were even flat out a big fat NO! Some of them were also answered yes that has, is or does happen all the time. Others I wasn’t sure about. So let me ask this what does that all mean? Before any one answers if they so desire let me give a few more details.
I have been told that since he is gone so much that if I wanted to find a “friend” I could. Just as long as I tell him first. That way I’m not going behind his back. However, he has no desire to do that but reserves the right to do so he said. Only if I do it though. I haven’t done that and no plans to do so. He is the one I love and desire. Guys: would you say that to your wife? He doesn’t care if we are intimate or not when he s home. Says its not an important part of the relationship. I feel the complete opposite. Just to clarify he has not ever been with anyone else besides me and his ex wife. When they were married and she had an affair. He went out with others before we met but was never intimate. He was divorced in 92 and we met in 2002.
Sorry for rattling on so long. Letting out frustrations! I try to do the things listed and give just as much as I take. Some times though are exceedingly difficult others are not.
Anyway thanks for letting me ramble!
#460 by Jiggs KC on August 29, 2013 - 3:44 pm
Reblogged this on the Squished Diorama and commented:
Here’s something for the men out there, looking to build better relationships with their wives.
Also, there was a comment #15, on the Original Post which really I enjoyed in regards to women and reciprocation:
#15 by Caroline on August 29, 2013 – 8:01 am –
“These comments are one sided because he is only one person. Basically stating that you are only responsible for fixing your side of events, not that you are the sole cause of each situation. A woman could give her advice, but this is not a woman, just one man’s advice based on his own personal experience. Personally if a man treated me like this I would think I had the best, most perfect husband ever and would strive to be the best wife I could possibly be. To the people stating “The woman must also…blah blah blah” At no point did he say “because all women are perfect”. You are only responsible for your side. A man can only be in control of his actions or reactions, and this is to guide husbands to a better end result. If this was an article written by a woman to other wives it would be more like this…
1. Quit your bitching when he gets home, let him chill
2. Have sex with him. Often. All the time if need be.
3. Make him that [GORRAM] sandwich
4. Tell him how big/strong/smart/manly he is ALL THE TIME. They tend to forget.
5. Let him zone out. He is not ignoring you, men just have moments of brain freeze.
6. Laugh at his jokes. Even if they aren’t funny.
7. Make yourself look pretty. The more feminine you act the more it reminds him he is a man.
8. Never talk about other men, even if they are fictional or movie, even if it’s to say “you are so much hotter than that guy” Most men already think they are, so this will confuse them
9. Never read advice on the internet from strangers. They probably don’t know you and will make you do stupid crap that will not be applicable or appropriate in your marriage…
By doing these things it would not mean a wife doesn’t expect her husband to be great too, or is to blame for the breakdown, just that she is doing her part to make a better half of a marriage.”
#461 by minimalistlifestyle on August 29, 2013 - 3:10 pm
This seems to suggest that in order for a relationship/marriage to be successful the man has to change the way he is in order to satisfy his partner. I thought a marriage would be a partnership. Give and take and compromise on the part of both couples. I was married and trust me I believed in romance and courting and all of the things the writer suggests. My ex wife thought it was all stupid. If both partners are not on the same page in regards to values and what is important then forget it. Relationships are not supposed to be one sided. This is also why I hate the phrase. “Happy wife, happy life”.
Mark
http://www.minimalistlifestyle.wordpress.com
#462 by judyzilla on August 29, 2013 - 7:51 pm
I agree, Mark. This article is written by a man but should also apply to the woman in the relationship. It takes two.
#463 by Aixa Welborn on August 29, 2013 - 12:47 pm
Reblogged this on Aixa Welborn and commented:
Mr Rogers article is the same advice I have given many people who ask how to maintain a relationship, There is so much hear that can be utilized not only for those who are not Christians, but these are also the ideas of the Catholic foundations to an everlasting marriage.
No one goes to the alter with divorce on their mind. but if everyone takes Mr. Rogers’ advice and implement these simple ideas and they don’t have to be big, but as a women, it has always been the little things that make a marriage function best.
Please read, then re-read and then commit them to memory, and I will guarantee you that divorce rates will fall and 25 yr and 50 yr anniversaries will be so common place.
#464 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 12:31 pm
sounds exhausting. Just saying. 🙂
#465 by Guss on August 29, 2013 - 4:27 pm
That’s what marriage is. Work. But like any work you take pride in, and enjoy doing, as long as you keep putting into it with heart and soul, it returns in kind. And it stops feeling like work, to something enjoyable everyday. Same with being parents. People need stop thinking of Harlequin/Hollywood romances when it comes to marriage.
#466 by Lori on August 29, 2013 - 12:08 pm
This is also true for all the ladies too!!! The road goes two ways!!!
#467 by Rhonda Grillo on August 29, 2013 - 10:51 am
Love this! But what about the wife? Definately needs to be reciprocated and in addition wives should not talk about their husbands to others unless its all good stuff and if you praise him for being a good supporter, husband and father and show him your gratitude through words, actions and closeness, you’ll have a great marriage!!
#468 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 2:09 pm
He’s speaking about things he’s realized after losing the woman he loved and spent many years with. This is his perspective of how he should have done things and advice for other men. Besides woman usually give a lot more and put up with a lot more emotionally. She’s usually the one who holds the house together and tries to keep everything in order.
#469 by Anna♥ on August 29, 2013 - 2:55 pm
So true. I agree with you 100% !!!!
#470 by Jiggs KC on August 29, 2013 - 3:34 pm
i think the second part of this comment is a sexist remark. I’ve seen some rotten ladies, and some not at all gentle men. Both seem to ruin a relationship. Women have been known to perpetuate this idea like they are better. And i think it’s problematic. I know men did this first, but still. two wrongs doesn’t make a right.
#471 by michaeleriksson on August 29, 2013 - 4:30 pm
I have to second Jiggs KC. It is not so much that women have to carry a greater burden and a lot more that very many of them have a weird blind spot when it comes to the roughly equal burden that men carry. Indeed, in my impressions so far, the more a woman complains, the likelier it is that she herself is the real problem.
Men tend to be more aware of and show a greater tolerance for the women’s side of the issues than vice versa. If nothing else, to modify a recent comment by minimalistlifestyle, neither sex understands the other—but far more men than women are aware that they lack the understanding.
#472 by Guss on August 29, 2013 - 4:31 pm
Not all women. Remember, men or women, they are both human beings with the same human brain. So what one can do and think, so can the other. There are many marriages that end because the woman was the one that was ruining it. And the husband the one trying to keep it all together. Much like the mentality of people that ALL male strangers are dangerous around children. There are many female strangers in prison for crimes against children, that can prove that assumption wrong.
As Jiggs said, it’s a sexist thing to say that it was all the man’s fault. Maybe in this case, it was. But I’m sure she didn’t help matters much either.
#473 by Montina Portis on August 29, 2013 - 9:20 am
This is amazing and as a woman in marriage #2 I can tell you that any marriage that follows these tips will succeed. My 2nd marriage is much more difficult than the first so if you enjoy marriage I strongly suggest you work on the first and treat it like it’s your last. You don’t want to go through the hurt and challenges a second time around.
#474 by livincreatively on August 29, 2013 - 7:38 pm
this is absolute truth.
#475 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 9:00 am
Lots of good advice, but the most important line will likely be missed by most: “and that’s reciprocated” The man cannot do it all by himself.
#476 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 9:44 am
Amen
#477 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 10:19 am
+1.
#478 by Jeff on August 29, 2013 - 10:21 am
Yes, this advice applies equally to men and women.
#479 by Geri White on August 29, 2013 - 8:56 am
Finally..! ❤
#480 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 8:17 am
Beautiful sentiments. Having just seen the movie “The Butler” it raises similar challenges to the human spirit, spiritual principles really … mutual respect and love. Love above all else. As I read it, I thought how we as Americans need to protect our collective soul. Truly words to live by in all areas of my life.
#481 by Caroline on August 29, 2013 - 8:01 am
These comments are one sided because he is only one person. Basically stating that you are only responsible for fixing your side of events, not that you are the sole cause of each situation. A woman could give her advice, but this is not a woman, just one man’s advice based on his own personal experience. Personally if a man treated me like this I would think I had the best, most perfect husband ever and would strive to be the best wife I could possibly be. To the people stating “The woman must also…blah blah blah” At no point did he say “because all women are perfect”. You are only responsible for your side. A man can only be in control of his actions or reactions, and this is to guide husbands to a better end result. If this was an article written by a woman to other wives it would be more like this…
1. Quit your bitching when he gets home, let him chill
2. Have sex with him. Often. All the time if need be.
3. Make him that goddam sandwich
4. Tell him how big/strong/smart/manly he is ALL THE TIME. They tend to forget.
5. Let him zone out. He is not ignoring you, men just have moments of brain freeze.
6. Laugh at his jokes. Even if they aren’t funny.
7. Make yourself look pretty. The more feminine you act the more it reminds him he is a man.
8. Never talk about other men, even if they are fictional or movie, even if it’s to say “you are so much hotter than that guy” Most men already think they are, so this will confuse them
9. Never read advice on the internet from strangers. They probably dont know you and will make you do stupid crap that will not be applicable or appropriate in your marriage…
By doing these things it would not mean a wife doesnt expect her husband to be great too, or is to blame for the breakdown, just that she is doing her part to make a better half of a marriage.
#482 by jrl on August 29, 2013 - 9:34 am
Caroline,
I laughed and laughed. Very funny. Would you mind posting your comment on this article as well?
-James Russell L.
#483 by tee on August 29, 2013 - 9:54 am
Yes, Caroline – I’ve pinned this along with the article – i posted with the note that I’ll do the same, but this is better – they have different needs 🙂
#484 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 12:51 pm
Caroline, you took the words right out of my mouth.
#485 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 2:04 pm
Well said and funny
#486 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 2:14 pm
Lol well said, that’s a good way to put it. People don’t realize that these are his thoughts and feelings from his perspective. He’s only speaking of men because he’s a man.
#487 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 7:49 am
Very good advice, but don’t forget one thing! That all woman should read this, and give the relationship the same full, respect that a man dose! If you feel you’ve tried, and don’t get the same back, it won’t work! I’m not saying my divorce was all her fault, because it takes two to make a relationship to work. But there dose come a time to move on, no mater how much you try!
#488 by minimalistlifestyle on August 29, 2013 - 3:14 pm
This makes me sad. Men do not understand women. Why do women think that they understand men? I find the above comment somewhat condescending.
Mark
http://www.minimalistlifestyle.wordpress.com
#489 by tamaraj@tamarajmadison.com on August 29, 2013 - 7:36 am
God bless you! I have been waiting for a MAN to say this for a very long time!
#490 by miguel butts on August 29, 2013 - 6:31 am
What a master piece it gives me a lot of reasons to a just to my wife of a year and a half. Thanks
#491 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 6:05 am
All that being said it goes both ways, Marriage is not a one way street. The points should be take by both spouses.
#492 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 5:55 am
Sound like it was written by a woman but I do agree with most of it
#493 by Toya on August 29, 2013 - 4:26 am
This is the most beautiful thing I have ever read, thank you very much for this. God bless you
#494 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 4:10 am
http://theweek.com/article/index/220645/72-years-together-the-couple-who-died-holding-hands
Loving someone surpassing this universe is possible
#495 by Admin ~ on August 29, 2013 - 1:49 am
Reblogged this on All Eyes On and commented:
Awesome advice, share it!
#496 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 1:40 am
Really true…thanks for sharing.hope the relationships get stronger and pleasant.
#497 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 12:26 am
What beauty in these words born of pain… It is in that place where we do our deepest and most heartfelt Spiritual growth.
#498 by Kim Mackey Arnold on August 28, 2013 - 10:08 pm
While this is totally romantic it leaves too much responsibility on one person. I am a woman an I don’t expect my husband to fulfill me in all of these ways. I’ve been married 29 years and there have been ups and downs but we have a working relationship. His expectations are different than mine but we make it work. Everyone must find contentment and happiness within themselves. We can not blame our unhappiness on anyone other than ourselves. Having someone in our lives that supports or enhances our “moods” is icing on the cake!
#499 by Rogier on August 30, 2013 - 4:55 am
Precisely the one thing I had wrong. I thought having a girlfriend, a partner, whom I loved dearly, would make me complete…happy. It couldn’t be more besides the truth than that. I wish I knew…
#500 by Mindy on August 28, 2013 - 10:05 pm
“If we make the conscious decision to daily place our spouse’s desires and needs above our own, and that’s reciprocated, the marriage will succeed. Utter and complete selflessness.” Absolutely not. That is completely wrong. That’s what my husband did, and it’s the big reason he divorced his first wife after 11 years of marriage. His utter and complete selflessness prevented him from leaving years before he should have. When you give the entirety of you focus on the needs of your spouse, you lose sight of your own needs (and if you can’t see them, neither can your spouse). If your needs aren’t being met, especially when you’re focusing so much of your effort on the other, you get resentful and angry, and that anger just builds over time until it explodes. Care about your spouse, yes, and care deeply in order to help them achieve their goals. But understand that they are the only ones who can truly take care of themselves, just like you are to yourself.
#501 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 10:53 am
did you read #2.. it says protect your own heart… don’t think he left that out what you were saying
#502 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 9:36 pm
This is great!
Thanks for sharing it.
#503 by David on August 28, 2013 - 8:45 pm
While there are some great points here, it takes two people for a marriage to succeed or fail. What about holding the wan accountable also?
#504 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 11:23 pm
A lot of people have said this, and although you have a point, it’s not what this is about. He is talking from a man’s point of view, and I’m sure if you asked him he would say that yes, it takes two. But this is just a message from one man’s heart to all the other men out there… it’s not telling woman they don’t need to do the same.
#505 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 12:16 am
David, you completely missed the point of this article. Stop thinking about holding others accountable. Focus on what YOU need to do. The rest will fall into place.
#506 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 3:11 am
I like that it was stated early on that this love/behavior be reciprocated. The problem is one person has to start. If both parties are unwilling to set enough aside and start the process of loving selflessly, there is no hope. In all things, one person must start. Both men and women have read this article I’m sure. Yes, it’s directed at men taking that first step and a woman reciprocating, but hopefully the point comes across…someone has to take that first step and keep stepping as the other reciprocates!
#507 by jrl on August 28, 2013 - 7:04 pm
Thanks for the heads-up. They just need to link Gerald Rogers’ name to his website.
#508 by brettfish on August 28, 2013 - 6:03 pm
This continues to get people talking and thinking and sharing – came across one other series i ran a while back specifically focused on a husband loving a wife [although each one can be looked at both ways] and so a bunch more good points to probably consider adding to this list or lists like it of ways to love your wife well: http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2012/09/11/how-to-love-your-woman-better-the-parts
This sharing and collaboration is encouraging. Thank you. Maybe we’ll be able to compile one super big list after it’s all done… a year of weekly improving your marriagement or something…
love brett fish
#509 by Jazz on August 28, 2013 - 5:25 pm
This is so beautiful… Every woman wants to be loved like this!
#510 by Kathleen Ferruzzi on August 28, 2013 - 9:54 pm
so does and should, every man!
#511 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 1:43 am
Agreed !!
#512 by teriza on August 28, 2013 - 5:23 pm
I am Mrs Teriza from USA, i want to share a testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband Williams Jack, i love him so much we have been married for 5 years now with two kids. when he went for a vacation to London he meant a lady called Mary?, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don’t know what to do until I met my friend miss Lina and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called Dr Sambulus who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 3 days. Miss Lina ask me to contact Dr sambulus. I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by Three days he will re-unite me and my husband together. After three day my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great spell caster did for me and my husband, you can contact Dr Sambulus on any problem in this world, he is very nice man, here is his contact kukutasolutiontemple@gmail.com He is the best spell caster how can help you within three days.
#513 by Becky Maldonado on August 28, 2013 - 10:08 pm
I just read ur story but i dont seem to understand. My question to u is why would u want someone to be with you do to a spell? Does thatmake any sense? Reading your story make s me feel as if you have an insecurity issue and you dont have any type of selfesteem in you. Im sorry i sound so blunt, but i have a sister that was in the same type of relationship as you and she did the same (the spell thing) and she wound up divorced anyways after 2years.
I feel that if the love is there, its there. There is no spell in this world that will change your deatiny. Good luck
#514 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 8:28 am
Are you joking? A spell caster?
#515 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 4:45 pm
I just celebrated 25years . I’m 47 . I hope the younger generation reads thiis totally awesome
#516 by Michelle (@AllLacqueredUp) on August 28, 2013 - 4:43 pm
Does this website have your permission to republish your article in full?
http://girlsguideto.com/articles/20-tips-from-a-divorced-man-after-16-years-of-marriage
They’ve been lifting content from tons of bloggers. Thought you should be aware.
#517 by jrl on August 28, 2013 - 4:58 pm
Yeah, they’re fine. They just need to link Gerald Rogers’ name to his website.
#518 by Dave Foreman on August 28, 2013 - 4:23 pm
I was lucky enough to find my soul mate at the age of 50 years. My relationship with my wife is nothing like any other relationship I ever had before. One of the best characteristics of our life together as husband and wife is that we both show/feel complete respect for one another- didn’t have that in any past relationships. I knew something was missing in them and didn’t marry before I found that someone who makes me feel complete and at peace each and every breath I take.
#519 by BG on August 28, 2013 - 3:43 pm
While I commend the author for writing from the heart, what he wrote is wholly unrealistic and idealistic. As the beginning of the article says, the main basis for this is “If we make the conscious decision to daily place our spouse’s desires and needs above our own, and that’s reciprocated, the marriage will succeed. Utter and complete selflessness.”. In a utopian paradise this overly simplistic view could work but in the real world it completely ignores huge aspects of human nature and external factors that change the course of relationships. It ignores external influences such as family pressure which can manifest itself in different ways and has itself broken up marriages. It also ignores conflicting interests and incompatibilities including different friend influences or major stress factors such as careers, raising children, or medical conditions. It is very easy for the author to say “18. Don’t worry about money”, but has he ever experienced being part of a relationship where bills can’t be payed or a home is about to be lost and one or both parties works more than they can handle? The point is, all of these stress factors and external influences can have a great impact on mood, mindset, point of view, interaction, and the building of resentment towards your spouse or partner. It is human nature and no one is immune to this. Some may handle it better than others but blanket advice such as “4. Always see the best in her” or “7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her” is much easier said than done when perhaps the wife is the one contributing to the stress or causing some of the problems. The same can go for the husband so this is not one sided. The truth is no two people are 100% fully compatible. Where the author states “5. It’s not your job to change or fix her”, that may be true, but it doesn’t mean the things that require changing or fixing are not serious or do not cause lasting stress or aggravation. Resentment is an unfortunate part of human nature and is a powerful force that lasts over time. To follow “19. Forgive immediately”, is not just to say “I forgive you” but to truly mean it deep down which rarely happens in long term relationships as resentments grow on top of other resentments. The author ends his piece with “In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work.” which is the absolute truth, yet many of his points contradict this by trying to create a “happily ever after” type scenario where all is easily forgiven and forgotten and everything is just boiled down to simple “ups and downs” and “cycles”. Happy marriages can most definitely exist but unfortunately it is more often the exception than the rule that both people can reciprocate and treat each other in the way the author suggests and glide through every internal and external stress factor that strains marriages and contributes to this country’s 50% or so divorce rate.
#520 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 11:26 pm
What may have worked for his marriage will not work for everyone’s marriage. It is just things he regrets. Every marriage is different, and what you are writing makes it sounds like every marriage deals with the same struggles and stressors. I don’t think what he wrote was idealistic and unrealistic. It’s what he felt, and therefore is his truth and realistic in his mind and in his marriage.
#521 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 12:48 am
Excellent advice and insight. I am curious to know what your views on the matter are.
#522 by melward on August 29, 2013 - 8:26 am
BG – you make some interesting points – but, I think the most important take away from the article is that neither spouse should ever stop trying – create a partnership – put your family / marriage first and the external circumstances can be overcome.
When one spouse minimizes the other that the cracks show up, expand and build into canyons that can not be repaired . It may not be intentional, but it can and, unfortunately, does happen. At no time should one partner be so busy that the other partner feels ignored, or their presence taken for granted. If you take the time to truly LISTEN to each other, be present and value the other person, the external circumstances become secondary, and they will be dealt with as a team. In today’s world I see so many couples who still do the “his” “hers” “ours” mindset and it creates an atmosphere of animosity, competition and most of the time becomes a power play. Yes, love and value yourself (something a lot of people have a tough time with – which is where most resentment, insecurity etc… stems from ) but I personally believe that if you put the relationship first, treat it like an “entity” that requires time, attention and priority, we’d see a decrease in divorce. That doesn’t mean you won’t disagree, nor does it mean you spend every waking moment together – but it does mean that you work together in unison for a common purpose.
My ex-husband worked hard, and as a result, I had the luxury of being able to be home with my girls when they were young. I value that tremendously. But when he was home, he was not present – there was a tremendous lack of balance. While I am not happy about having gone through a divorce, it served a purpose and taught me a great deal.
I still believe in marriage, but anyone who goes into it thinking it won’t require effort is foolish. Happily ever after doesn’t equate to being on easy street – it means you’re willing to put forth the effort it takes to stay together.
No effort = no partnership.
#523 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 8:48 am
He’s simply giving advice. He never stated life would be perfect. He covered almost every point. He later says choose to forgive. Well if he thinks everyone is going to be perfect, he wouldn’t feel the need to add that point. What you’re saying isn’t totally incorrect. All of those things will occur in a marriage. But it’s the husband and the wife’s duty not to let those things dictate the outcome of the relationship. And I’m married, so I speaking from experience. The only thing I could see being unbearable is cheating. As a Christian, I know the bible says that really is the only reason for divorce. So if your spouse cheats on you, nobody is asking you to sit there and stay with them. Nothing else should make your spouse that unbearable. If so, you should ask yourself why you married them….
#524 by coyotecall on August 28, 2013 - 3:41 pm
My advice is; practice forgiveness, compassion and develope a poor memory. (i.e. FORGET ABOUT THE “GOOFS”….. you will never be able to remember what REALLY happened…what he said and I said and all the rest anyway.)
#525 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 8:13 pm
Your constructed criticism is nice, but if both parties of the marriage cared enough to follow this then it does work in todays world. External influences when worked on together with an open mind and heart with love first are over come with great success. You are right in all of what you said, but only if at least one of the two people loses sight of any of these fundamentals. Taking the time to look inward allows for accountability and if BOTH parties are doing so, then it will work. Once again you are correct, but I only say this because I know there is greed in us all and more often than not we allow it to over come our ability to hold ourselves accountable. Marriage is a two way street and neither party can change lanes without wrecking.
#526 by girish v shah on August 28, 2013 - 9:35 pm
YOU HAVE LOOKED LIKED AND LIVED LIFE WITH OPEN AND INTELLIGENT MIND —NOT BLOWING HOT AIIR
#527 by Kris F on August 28, 2013 - 3:26 pm
Reblogged this on Featherblues53's Blog and commented:
Thoughts to ponder.
#528 by fikayo on August 28, 2013 - 2:37 pm
reblogged this on http://spiceplaza.wordpress.com/
#529 by fikayo on August 28, 2013 - 2:20 pm
Reblogged this on SPICEPLAZA and commented:
What more can I say?
#530 by caitgjames on August 28, 2013 - 2:11 pm
Reblogged this on The Brilliance of Fire.
#531 by Ben on August 28, 2013 - 2:10 pm
Reblogged this on My Ideal Woman… and commented:
Pretty epic advice for any man serious about loving a woman 🙂
#532 by Kevin Cain on August 28, 2013 - 2:01 pm
Idealistic advice, lovely thoughts and solid guidance to a man with high aspirations for his marriage.
My own life experience is that you can try to do it all, but do not expect that because you do your wife will never leave you, your wife could not possibly change her priorities, or your wife will not experience her own purpose in a way that destroys the marriage.
Do it because it is the way you want to love, not because of a mistaken idea that you can control the tide of events.
#533 by Cindy on August 28, 2013 - 1:54 pm
You have just restored my faith that man can actually think and feel this way about his wife! Thank you, this has made my day seem a little brighter!
#534 by OluBaba Mascot on August 28, 2013 - 1:02 pm
Reblogged this on Olubabamascot's Blog.
#535 by Kimkm on August 28, 2013 - 12:32 pm
I wish I could find a man like you. This is just a dream, they don’t exist I know I’ve had 3.
#536 by Riaan on August 28, 2013 - 2:55 pm
Mabe Kim, the problem isn’t all on the men’s side. Women have to have a HARD look at themself too! A man can only truly love a women like a man has to if women get back to bieng real women and men get back to bieng real men. The perseption that it’s weak or bad to be a women or a man like we are supposed to be, is the problem. We all should practice what the author said without expecting the other party to do so first
#537 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 2:57 pm
you can have 3 more, you/ll never find such a MAN
#538 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 3:55 pm
B.S. I am such a man. Just ask my Jeni!
#539 by weekeef on August 28, 2013 - 12:26 pm
A good post, though it takes two to tango! I am glad that you feel you will marry again. I’ve been that sad, newly-divorced-after 20-years man but found a way through and now, ten years on and married again, I do try to remember how lucky I am to have another chance. For what it’s worth, I posted my own thoughts a while back.
#540 by Lucy on August 28, 2013 - 12:14 pm
My mother and I had a conversation about 5 years ago that stuck with me. My parents have been married for almost 40 years. It has not always been smooth. There were years of plenty, years of everything being stretched extremely tight, years of sleepless nights when my sisters and I were young, years of sleepless nights when we were teens, and then came the empty nest.
My mother told me a few important things:
1) they realized after a few years of working together that it was very bad for their relationship. They were not compatible to work together all day long every single day if they wanted their marriage to last and be happy. They both needed their professional space and made career choices that reflected that.
2) the best way to handle a heated argument was for them to put themselves in time-out apart for an hour or so until they could both think through the issue and why it was such a sticking point. By taking a break, they could put the focus back on how much they love each other and decide what was best for them and us girls.
And finally, the most profound marriage advice she could give me seemed like common sense at the time, but 2 children later and 13 yrs together – 8 married, I GET IT. It is a conscious decision when you are tired, sleep-deprived, exhausted, had a bad day, kids are fighting (_____insert issue here_________).
3) you have to choose to love your spouse and your spouse has to choose to love you daily, hourly, minute by minute. You have to choose to spend time together. Sure, it would be fun for him to go out with the guys and watch the game, but you haven’t spent time together as a couple for weeks. Make the conscious decision to find a babysitter and go watch the game together or have a “staycation” at your home – just the two of you. My mother told me that after we all went to college and there were no more high school sports, clubs, or activities, they had to CHOOSE to get to know each other again. For 10 years they were passing by each other tag-teaming our activities. They had to learn each other again. They consciously CHOSE to do this and consciously CHOSE to make it fun.
A working marriage is a CONSCIOUS CHOICE on the part of both parties.
#541 by Andrea on August 29, 2013 - 9:47 am
Love this! That is some GREAT advice (#3 hit home in a big way!) Thanks for sharing the wisdom 🙂
#542 by adventuresincemeteryhopping on August 29, 2013 - 11:59 am
Number three is a key component in our marriage. We discussed it at length when we got engaged. The notion that you have to feel “in love” with your spouse 24/7 is a recipe for failure. When you marry someone, you commit for life, not just when the feelings are good. There will be days you can’t stand him and days he is frustrated with you. But if you choose to love, you get through it. You work together knowing that your marriage matters too much to blow off. This idea has served us well in our ten years together. Thank you for sharing!
#543 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 11:49 am
wow, pretty powerful stuff! going through a divorce now! hopefully i can remember some of these things once it is final and i’m with that special someone again!
#544 by aymanyusof on August 28, 2013 - 11:27 am
Reblogged this on The Warrior Within and commented:
I lost a special someone a couple of years back. Here are some life lessons to learn from.
#545 by Andy on August 28, 2013 - 9:48 am
James, I have to respectfully disagree with you. Or at least agree with an addendum. Like you, my marriage broke up this year after 12 years of marriage and 16 years together.
Yes, much of what you say here is wise and smart. Listen compassionately. Give completely. Live fully. That’s essentially what you’re saying, and it’s great.
But that advice has to be true for both partners, not just the man. I disagree with your underlying premise: “If we make the conscious decision to daily place our spouse’s desires and needs above our own, and that’s reciprocated, the marriage will succeed. Utter and complete selflessness. Isn’t this true in all healthy relationships?”
You’ve said, “and that’s reciprocated,” but I think your post overly emphasizes the personal sacrifice without more acknowledgment that the responsibility is on both partners to do these things. This is the martyr complex that is so common in western cultures. We cannot live healthy lives if we place others above ourselves. AND we cannot live fully if we place ourselves above others. We must both care for ourselves AND others equally.
Relationships are a two way street. A healthy relationship is like the symbol of the yin-yang in which there is balance. What happens when one partner does all of these things and the other doesn’t? A person cannot and, frankly, should not stay in that type of relationship.
Believe me, I know I made mistakes in my relationship. But I was not willing to continue doing the things you’ve discussed without my partner doing the same.
So I guess the addendum is this: Take care of yourself and others. Live fully. Love freely. Give completely. Both partners are responsible for living in oneness.
#546 by jrl on August 28, 2013 - 10:44 am
Hi Andy,
I appreciate your comments and heart. Your addendum is true, and I believe my message denotes the same, but in other words. Also, though I wrote the introduction, the main article is authored by Gerald Rogers.
#547 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 12:19 pm
Of course all of these things have to be done by both parties. My impression, however,was that this is written the way it is because you can’t control anyone other than yourself. Sure, they have to make the decision to do these things as well, but they only one you can control is yourself. I think it’s great advice. And there is a part in there that reminds us to guard our own hearts as well and part of that is evaluating whether we are getting what we need out of a relationship as well. 🙂
#548 by carolyn mason on August 28, 2013 - 8:29 pm
Sorry, Andy…since you are only responsible for yourself and can only control yourself…by doing what James suggested giving of yourself unselfishly and with the intent that your wife if the most important person in your life can only make your family life better. Do not give a gift with the expectation of getting something in return as you will always be disappointed. Love unconditionally
#549 by Andy on August 29, 2013 - 10:18 am
Carolyn, we’ll have to respectfully disagree. Although “love unconditionally” sounds nice, everyone loves conditionally. As an extreme example, no one should stay in a relationship where one partner is abusing the other. Of course, most failed relationships don’t go that far, but the logic is the same. We’re in relationships to be connected, as all humans seek connection or oneness. If a relationship fails, a partner shouldn’t stay in it out of some sense of duty or martyrdom or because he/she loves unconditionally.
And, of course, in the most altruistic sense, we can continue loving and caring about someone while altering the type of relationship we have.
Marriage is inherently a risk because we are always changing and because we are complex psychological creatures. Major life events- marriage, birth of a child, death of a loved one- can trigger psychological conditioning that hasn’t otherwise manifested itself, changing that person.
A person can step into a stream right now, and when they step into that stream the next day, it’s a different stream. Human beings are the same way. I’m a different person now than I was ten days, ten months, and ten years ago. We all are. Inevitably, some relationships will end because of that constant change. There’s nothing wrong with that.
#550 by Richard Mountain on August 28, 2013 - 9:24 am
Great advice! To the ones who read it and say this is all common sense. Well yeah, but it’s common sense AFTER you read it. Just like there is no formal training on raising kids there isn’t any formal training on working your relationship with your spouse. I think there should be on both accounts. And for the ones that say it’s great my spouse should learn all this. I think both spouses should learn it…and practice it! Not much point in having one do it and not both!
#551 by Kd on August 28, 2013 - 8:33 am
Where’s the article, ‘Beautiful advice from a divorced woman’? All these things are well and good, but many seem one-sided.
#552 by MK on August 28, 2013 - 10:35 am
Amen.
#553 by brian on November 8, 2013 - 1:06 am
Wrong ‘me first’ attitude, boys. When you follow the above, the rest WILL come.
#554 by Michael Veys on August 28, 2013 - 8:25 am
Where is the ode from the female honoring the male….its an open dialogue…many woman disrespect men and put them down, hold unrealistic expectations of man to be a bread winner, provider, lover, friend, keep house, raise the kids, provide discipline and an boundaries and direction to the marriage…lets find the balance in all this. michael veys
#555 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 8:20 am
This a great piece coming from a man. I have just left a marriage of 13yrs we have four adorable kids. I’m glad to read and see that I’m in my right mind to expect my husband to be at least a friend & then a husband. I gave my all but it was never enough. I’m 38 years old and decided to take charge of my life and protect my children and not looking back. I will not say no to marriage in the future, I’ve got a lot of love to give & share. I don’t know how long ago this divorce was, but if the man has realised these things, he could win his woman back. There will be no quick fix, its not an easy but usually a necessary decision for a woman to choose to leave a man. Every detail here describe what my husband refused to realise. He added pornography, on-line dating & serial affairs to his list. I pray someday he realises his actions and become a ”man”. But, I will not get back to him because I can’t possibly ever trust him. Without trust, commitment, love, time & attention..no relationship will survive.
#556 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 1:06 pm
Wow this statement resonated with me severly: “If the man has realized these things, he could win his woman back.” Out of curiosity, given the list of offenses you mention why then couldn’t he win you back with showing you he could be trustworthy then being trustworthy, being committed, loving you and putting in the time and attention you/it requires?? Please understand that I just don’t believe in the concept of disposable love and there has to be a way back in. Love always starts somewhere so adding 4 adorable children and the closeness required to manage that situation if he loves them selflessly then you would think he can love you too using the guidelines of the author in every way possible, but of course your right he has to realize his actions no question. But the author also mentioned forgiveness and always chosing love. I believe It has to be a reciprocating…save love. Its amazing what it takes for us to get out of ourselves and think in the authors terms.
#557 by thekindnessblog on August 28, 2013 - 6:58 am
Thank you. This is absolutely *filled* with wisdom and advice from someone who plainly knows that of which they speak 🙂 Awesome!!! 🙂
#558 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 11:44 am
Very realistic advice. Mr. Gerald Rogers, your next wife would certainly be very lucky! How I wish my husband got the opportunity to learn this. I regret that he refused to understand the true meaning of marriage until one day he was shot to death while having dinner with his other woman. Fortunately, his woman was never hurt. He died with so many unanswered questions. What is clear to me now is he did not love me the way I did, he just needed and liked me and because I loved him so much wishing to keep our family intact and with the undying hope that someday he would learn to love me, it was too late when I learned to accept that whatever I do he would never truly love me. Unexpectedly, several days before his death, I left no choice but to accept the pain and said to him”thank you for giving me five lovely children, I apologized for insisting myself to you, from now on I will never disturb you again”. And then, I walked away. The memories are still hunting me because until now I cannot seek justice for his bloody death despite of my being a lawyer. But my faith keeps me sane because in God’s time, I know the truth shall prevail and the murderer shall be punished. To love someone is a challenge but I must admit that I failed the challenge because I never had the true love of the father of my 5 children. Be that it may, I don’t regret to experience the pain and sufferings because of the so called ” LOVE “. As I have promised to myself I will never stop seeking justice for him.
#559 by brettfish on August 28, 2013 - 6:21 am
Another more recent series i ran on my blog where a few friends of mine shared a thought on one way to love your spouse better also had some great points to take note of…
hope you find them helpful
love brett fish
#560 by Arlene Caswell on August 28, 2013 - 5:21 am
This is beautiful. Very encouraging.
#561 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 4:24 am
Good advice but its a little one sided.
#562 by 1sttimemummy on August 28, 2013 - 2:35 am
Spot on! You have listed all the things missing so much in my relationship. Thank you. It would ve very interesting if you could you write something from the other perspective? What makes a man loved? A relationship is a game of 2 halfs after all. Thank you 🙂
#563 by Helen on August 28, 2013 - 5:39 pm
He’s a man speaking his own experience. It’ll have to be a woman who has learnt lessons post divorce that writes from the other perspective. Don’t expect him to do it!
#564 by spikefarrelltravelspike Farrell on August 28, 2013 - 12:58 am
spikefarrellsurvivingdivorce.blogspot.com
#565 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 12:52 am
It has been proven and taught at Princeton University by a Nobel Prize Winning Professor that Humans are NOT a monogamous species. Marriage is the worst invention ever created by mankind.
#566 by Susan Hearn Ludlow on August 27, 2013 - 11:18 pm
I thoroughly enjoyed James story. I just lost my husbad last year after only 20 years of marriage suddenly. However, it was a very mentally and physically abusuve marriage. My familt were fearful.for me and wanted me to leave / divorce! I do not believe in divorce and so would not do so. Remember the vows “Insickness and health, for richer or poorer til death us part”! I truly was the one giving, loving, caring, etc. And yet I now am alone for whatever reason from God he was taken and yet I must deserve all that I recieve. I don’t know if I could ever feel full love in my life except from God! What do u say to that. I am still young and love t live life but happily Please!!!
#567 by Lucy on August 28, 2013 - 11:51 am
Susan, you do not DESERVE the sadness and abuse. He was not taken from you because you did something or did not do something. These things are the way of a fallen world. Please find a path to healing for YOUR heart and soul. Eventually, you will be able to live happily and enjoy life again without fear or sadness. Focus your love on God and don’t force the issue of another relationship. In time, He might send another relationship your way that will lift you up.
#568 by Helen on August 28, 2013 - 5:48 pm
You are released from your vows when day in, day out, your husband fails to keep his. My mother only divorced my father after 40 years of marriage when that message finally hammered it’s way home from her wounded, frightened and stunted children. If a husband is mentally and physically abusive then he is breaking his marriage vows every day
#569 by LLL on August 27, 2013 - 10:58 pm
It always amazes me how some feel the need to advise / preach to others in areas where they admittedly are not adept.
Wake up be human do the best you can, use your heart, to loved you have to be loveable!
________________________________________________________________
“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”
― Bob Marley
#570 by Anon on August 27, 2013 - 10:40 pm
This article came to me at the most perfect time. After 10+ yrs… I, the woman have found myself cheated on….hated…disrespected…. And broken. A choice for either man or woman to use these words is most definitely the key to keeping a relationship. To not dwell on the past, to move forward, to focus on good not bad, and to fall in love all over again is extremely important. Thank you for these wonderful words we all seem to forget in the height of relationship problems. They are most important to keep it going and always the first out the window when times are tough. Ladies, this goes for us, our men are strong but they need to feel our love. They need to feel that as society holds them up as expected to stay strong, that with us in the privacy of our relationship they can be weak. Love how you want to be loved
#571 by James on August 27, 2013 - 10:36 pm
Why is this so eye-opening advice? Isn’t this all common sense? No wonder why over 50% of couples get divorced.
#572 by brettfish on August 27, 2013 - 10:19 pm
Another great list of advice is this list of ten ways to love which i stumbled upon at one time and then decided to work through the list post by post to look a little more deeply at each aspect with some exciting discoveries:
hope you find this helpful
love brett fish
#573 by kathynoda@yahoo.com on August 27, 2013 - 9:16 pm
I love what you wrote. Too many times the finger is only pointed at the woman while the man gets to call himself a little boy. A man says these things! Good for you. I hope you find a life long love next time.
#574 by ricosuaveguapo on August 28, 2013 - 2:39 pm
Seriously? Nearly every marriage I have ever seen broken up, the man is portrayed as a “jerk”, and the woman is the innocent little flower (who gets to leave with cash and prizes via child support & alimony). Despite what the reality of the situation actually is.
#575 by Melissa martinez on August 27, 2013 - 9:15 pm
I tried for 11 years trying to explain these very same feelings to my husband but he never understood or acknowledged my feelings. So 8/23/13. Our marriage ended and my heart was sealed completely to him. For all men if you truelly love your wife. FIGHT FOR HER DONT LOOSE HER.
#576 by Lina on August 27, 2013 - 9:06 pm
I was married for a long time. My marriage ended after 31 years & two beautiful daughters. I loved my husband and our family. Our marriage suffered many years of stress which did not help our relationship or sustain our marriage. In the end money won and I lost. After reading your letter and personal advice offered from your experience of marrital devotion, or lack thereof, I can honestly relate and understand the perspective of “what could have been” as the result from perhaps not trying or just allowing your marriage to slowly fade away and believing “it’s really for the best”, thinking to yourself, we grew apart, our love ended, let’s part our separate ways. I believe in love and marriage. I believe in family values. Without trust and respect, no marriage on earth can reap the benefits of true happiness and stronger bond of husband & wife. I agree with many of your points, especially the husband offering his undivided attention & love to his wife. I can only say now, I regret many things in my marriage, but the one important fact remains in my mind, my ex husband never loved me the way a mature and intelligent man should love his wife. Some men don’t know how to love a woman, especially if they’re narcissistic men. Ladies, just make sure your guy treats you like a princess from day one and continues until yours or his last breath. If all men were honest and committed to only one woman, divorce and violence would be non-existence. Grow up guys.
#577 by Jaie on August 27, 2013 - 9:03 pm
Reblogged this on Powder Room Therapy and commented:
Awesome Advice and needed for someone..Reblogging
#578 by elizabeth on August 27, 2013 - 8:31 pm
Sure wish my husband of 26 years could read and absorb this….
#579 by Cesare on August 27, 2013 - 11:32 pm
Maybe you should absorb some as well. Don’t point fingers so easily.
#580 by Sharon on August 28, 2013 - 2:21 pm
Is this a male responding???? If so… It would make sense… The writer writing his true, humble feelings for the workd to read has pricked your heart and got to your conscience. I can see where this would get both male and females riled up. Women wishing for what this man “had wished he had done” and men “getting annoyed by reading the responses from the women” it’s not about pointing fingers. It’s about 2 people letting go of pride, their egos, becoming humble before one another, trusting enough to expose every little detail about yourself to the one who is supposed to love you regardless with the hopes that he/she will not one day turn against the other and break that trust and bond. He is talking about going out on a limb. He is talking about what he learned. For the men out in the world that can humble themselves and let go of their egos this is powerful for those men. Those men who are man enough to open their hearts and listen and willing to try and do something different regardless if their wife dies or not. Just like he says – he is just to do his part – not worry about what part his wife does. But trust me… She will do anything if he treats her like this man is giving this advice. What women could posdibly have something to complain about? Is she does she does not deserve the man he is working so hard at. She deserves the jerk.
#581 by Cesare on August 27, 2013 - 11:33 pm
In no way am I being hostile. I’m just saying don’t be to quick to point fingers.
#582 by Michelle on August 28, 2013 - 11:28 am
You assume she’s being quick to point fingers. This could have been on her mind for years. Maybe she has talked and talked about it, sought advice, tried everything she can think of before she lamented. I think you pointed fingers a little faster than she did. And “maybe you should absorb some” is hostile.
#583 by Faith Norville on August 27, 2013 - 7:50 pm
I love what u are saying. Truely a love story. I wish that more men would think like that. And woman to. Because it takes two. It has to work both ways. What a wonderful world this would be. I really take my hat off to u. All I can say. Is the next woman that gets u. Will have a gem. I hope that one day I will meet a man just like u. And I hope that u get another good woman as well. Thank u for sharing your thoughts with the rest of the world. I hope that some of the men will really think about this. And the woman as well because two have to be as one. There are a lot of men out there that are being treated badly by woman. God please help us work together. Amen. Good luck to u my friend. And again thanks.
#584 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 5:47 am
I’m so glad that someone posted that it works both ways so this also is meant for both ❤ I always say" treat your spouse the way you want to be treated" ❤ I pray this touches many relationships {marriages} This is a wonderful heartfelt post..Mr.Gerald Rogers Thank you and God bless!!!
#585 by Nora on August 27, 2013 - 7:32 pm
Always makes me cry…missing out on so much but reaping much too….
#586 by brettfish on August 27, 2013 - 6:21 pm
Some good strong tips. The idea of Love being a choice and a set of choices made again every day is a powerful one more people would do well to learn… i have a similar series on my blog where i invited some friends who are in strong marriages to give a piece of advice on how to stay married well: http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2012/09/17/how-to-save-a-marriage-before-you-need-to-the-parts.
Some of it is similar to what has been shared here but there are also some other things we could do well to listen to – has been a really popular post.
Thankx for sharing
love brett fish
#587 by Sharon on August 27, 2013 - 6:12 pm
Wow! Praise The Lord!!! You got it! You totally hit the nail on the head… This is a home run post.
People have made comments about your timing, what your ex wife might think, their own advise…etc. I get it… It’s not the point – it’s your feelings, it’s what you, yourself came to realize once your divorce was finalized.
I’m in the midst of this right now. I have been married for 22 years and what I wouldn’t give for the man I married to not so much read these words – because he has indeed heard them many times before, but for him to have them go from his head to his heart. To break past the ego, the walls, the pride, and be able to have given himself completely to me. Yes, he lost me… The Lord released me after 22 years – I stayed and was obedient to what The Lord asked me to do it was hard as hell, but I would not go against The Lord. Then one day The Lord told me I had done everything I could do and that I was free to go. Sad to say, but I did not hesitate to say it was over – I could not take it any longer. Not the name calling, the emotional and mental abuse or the I’m sorries that meant nothing because things went back to what they were before the I am sorry. Always an excuse for the behavior that could always be justified in his mind. I never called him a name, I was never free to be me because of his lack of insecurities. He was a remarkable, smart, bright, intelligent man and hard working. Took life so serious. We (me the kids) were a price tag, a burden, could never make him happy – his expectations were set so high it was impossible for us to achieve them. We (me and the kids) have been set free – I am now free to be me and so are my kids. No more stress or heartache. God wiped it clean.
If only he could come to what you have written. If only he could let it penetrate so deeply in his heart that it would not be easily removed. How much did I trust? I trusted him completely with everything and now material wise I have nothing – freedom wise I have everything as well as my children. He has lost his wife, children, our respect, trust and so much more, but he has what he has always wanted. A house full of material things, but they do not show love.
#588 by charity on August 27, 2013 - 11:11 pm
I completely understand how you feel.
#589 by Amy on August 28, 2013 - 7:27 pm
Wow! Your story is the exact same as my marriage! We are high school sweethearts, and I had dated my husband 9 years previous to our going to be 13 year marriage next month. We have separated 2 times and are currently separated. Because of my faith and religion, I don’t want to divorce and I have been praying and hoping for a change of heart with him or the lord to tell me that I have done all that I can do and to let go, just as you described in your post. I can’t live with his negativity and unhappiness in life and I just can’t help him with this, he has to decide to do this on his own. I feel the exact same way, his kids and I are a burden to him. But the line that really stood out was “Always an excuse for the behavior that could always be justified in his mind.” I am the reason for all of his unhappiness and he will never make me happy in life! And he likes to blame other things or has reasons for his behavior. I struggle with throwing 22 years of my relationship away with him, but feel I would love to be free to be me with my 2 kids and have no more stress or heartache with this marriage. Thanks for posting as your post really hit home for me.
#590 by ricklaprade on August 27, 2013 - 4:05 pm
Reblogged this on Rick Laprade.
#591 by unburiedstories on August 27, 2013 - 3:42 pm
Reblogged this on Limari Colón.
#592 by Ananymous on August 27, 2013 - 3:39 pm
This is so good. And…just because it seems to be towards a man, it is also for women!
#593 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 9:36 pm
you are so right there!!
#594 by Lauren on August 27, 2013 - 3:27 pm
My ex-husband should have read this. in the end, money was his number one love
#595 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 3:19 am
As was my ex’s – Now, he can’t spend it fast enough on someone half his age. It’s as if he’s trying to make up for all of the empty focus he had in our relationship. Money can’t buy everything, but it can keep her on his arm making him look good and it can keep her frozen in time with the necessary surgeries and injections. Such an empty life. I do pity him… I now have someone who practices all of the above advice given. It is so nice to be loved and cherished for who I am, how I am and believe me, it is all reciprocated. There is life after a decades of a broken heart.
#596 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 3:24 pm
Excellent advice…so, where did he go wrong? Why divorced? It takes two to make a marriage work! Seems, if his wife had followed this advice, they’d still be married…
#597 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 10:51 pm
You don’t realize what you have done or wish you would have done until its gone…..
#598 by writercooking on August 27, 2013 - 3:13 pm
Thanks for this. It resonates on pretty much every possible level. I wish you all the best.
#599 by Craig Lu on August 27, 2013 - 3:00 pm
This should apply to both the husband and the wife.
Love the comment #4209 above – https://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/08/15/beautiful-advice-from-a-divorced-man-after-16-years-of-marriage/#comment-4209
“In my many years of marriage I found that a successful relationship is never 50/50. It’s 40/60 or 75/25 or 90/10 or even 10/90 but always 100%.”
#600 by Sophie57 on August 27, 2013 - 10:47 pm
Exactly! When I was a little girl, my mother told me this almost verbatim. My parents have been happily married almost 60 years and my husband and I just celebrated our 35th anniversary. I’ve passed it on to my children and hope they pass it onto their children and so on…
#601 by p3n5trike on August 27, 2013 - 2:58 pm
Shared this with my facebook family with the caption “Wonderful words of advice for any husband, wife, or companion…” God bless you for your obedience to your spirit and your courage …
#602 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 2:14 pm
Wow!!!! Not just a lesson for men but women too!! I am gobsmacked because its so profound!! Soo wish my husband could read this. I have long since stopped existing for him.
#603 by Rick on August 27, 2013 - 1:53 pm
While I agree with a lot of the points on here, I do think that some of them need a bit of moderation to be effective. For example the statement “make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen”, if you really try to do this everyday you’d end up burning yourself out. I say, treat her fair and loved, but save that “making her feel like a queen” stuff for special occasions and spread it out through the years so it doesn’t get old.
A lot of the advise given here is good advise, except I think it should be done moderately because too much of it can end up soiling the marriage as well.
Another thing to consider should be the amount of effort the man is putting in. He should put in enough effort to make his girl happy but not too much that he’s exhausting himself. Otherwise there’s no way he can make it last.
#604 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 2:22 pm
If your a man, and you love your woman, these are honestly words to live by!!!
#605 by Stephanie Stanford on August 27, 2013 - 1:19 pm
This is one of the best things I have ever read..books, posts, professionals and newbies…this is the truth from your heart. Im sending this to my husband & others I know because there is healing in your words. MAGNIFICENT. You will be married again. The next time will be better because now you know & the woman you meet will know, too. Blessings to you.
#606 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 1:09 pm
This is true, but it works both ways. Both persons involved have to work on this together. This may be true in your case but every case is different.
#607 by Kelly on August 27, 2013 - 12:49 pm
Wow – such true words! I got divorced after 4 years only to realise that my husband was infact the most amazing person i could ever wish for and that i may of expected to much of things! But as time went on we both realised what we did wrong and could now be back together with our son and handle situations better, hes also not a big romantic, lavious gifts kind of guys, but always puts me first, makes my entire insides flutter at the sight of him, makes me laugh and makes me fall inlove with him over and over and for that i couldnt of been blessed with anyone more amazing than HIM!!!
#608 by Gerald Rogers on August 27, 2013 - 12:30 pm
Thank you for sharing this… When I wrote this at 1:00am the night after my divorce was finalized, I had no idea or intention that it would touch so many. I know that there are many that may disagree, reject this or would offer different advice…. that’s great. All it is is MY PERSPECTIVE… I wrote this advice FOR MYSELF… THIS IS THE MAN THAT I CHOOSE TO BE. Everyone has their own journey to travel with love and their relationships… I for one, CHOOSE TO BE AN EPIC LOVER.
I’m honored that others would choose to step up in their marriages as well. Thank you James for the lives you have touched by sharing my words.
#609 by jrl on August 27, 2013 - 12:55 pm
Gerald, I’ve been trying to get in touch with you. Check your facebook fanpage inbox and reply when you can. A friend at The Huffington Post wants to run the article but I have to get your permission.
-James Russell Lingerfelt
#610 by Tilde on August 27, 2013 - 3:37 pm
is soo profound! i literally have tears in my eyes, wish this testimony/words were available before my divorce. Is everything i tried talking to him about but in a sense where men can easily comprehend. Bravo Mr. Rogers! 🙂
#611 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 10:17 pm
Ahhhh, let us all aspire to be Epic Lovers nurturing Legendary relationships! Ready, willing & able to put these wise words into practice with with man who’s just as ready, willing & able. Kudos for sharing your experience & observations!!
#612 by Wendy on August 27, 2013 - 11:44 am
My husband sent it to the new “love of his life”. We still live together after his numerous infidelities. Some men are so shallow – don’t have clocking clue. And some women are so desperate can’t see the writing on the wall. Good luck to them. I forgave a long time ago and look forward to someone who appreciates me.
#613 by MIKE BUCKLEY on August 27, 2013 - 11:30 am
I too was married and am currently going through an ammicable divorce – we are the best of friends I still love my wife wh all my heart . Sadly it was not enough for her .
I can see many good points in the above article , I know if we read this in full in time – maybe our marriage would have survived .
I don’t think I could face another marriage to tell the truth , I feel I am a lovable guy – but obviously there is something wrong with me .
I have met many lovly girls over the last four weeks , but no one will ever compare to the love of my life .
I survived a stroke [ many weeks in hospital ] , not sure if I now have the strength to cope with another marriage . Hopefully I will find the strength from somewhere
#614 by Joanie on August 27, 2013 - 11:10 am
A powerful article .. A good read … However … Instead of this advice to be directed toward men … It should be directed to both!!! There are wonderful men who do all of these things and it is the wife who neglects her husband leaving him with a emotional void so powerful that he has nothing left to give! Good men … Really loving and good men are emotionally deprived of the very simplest of bonding!!!
#615 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 12:16 pm
Thank you for seeing that Joanne.
#616 by Kelley Thorpe Baker on August 27, 2013 - 11:03 am
Reblogged this on JourneyWhirl and commented:
After losing my marriage after 12 years, this blog has been the only writing that fully captures the essence of all of my emotions surrounding my feelings… A must read.
#617 by beverley-ann coetzer on August 27, 2013 - 10:40 am
Awesome and true
#618 by Colleen on August 27, 2013 - 10:24 am
I too was married for 16 years to a man I truly loved. (and somewhere in my heart I always will). We were finally together for the first time without any children (2nd marriage for both of us, both with 2 boys). Thought this would be the time to really be happy and have fun. He is a fantastic musician but in the course of 9 months, his sister passed, his mother became ill and passed and his music ended. Within a month and a half of his mother passing, he walked out. Said he didn’t want to be married anymore. Nothing made sense. Wouldn’t get help. I was devastated. It’s been two years now since our divorce and it’s a little easier. I recently found out he remarried. It was a blow but at the same time it has helped me to close that chapter, that book. Yes, this advice applies to women too! I did change and didn’t like who I’d become but thought time would fix it. I was very blind but never, ever in my life, did I ever think we wouldn’t be together. Starting over has been bumpy and lonely but I’ll get there. Thank you for the article. I will remember this when someone new comes into my life. I am becoming the person I want to be with me.
#619 by Ann Schweitzer Minahan on August 27, 2013 - 9:55 am
I was married for almost 22 years when my husband left me and our 3 kids…I wish he had had this article to read before he ended our marriage…I wish he had done just one of this things on this list…I love how you said that marriage is work…That is one thing my ex insisted that it wasn;t…He always said it shouldn’t be so hard…He made it harder than it needed to be…This brought tears to my eyes because had he had this read, maybe we would still be together today…
#620 by claywise on August 27, 2013 - 10:06 am
It’s good stuff.
But a question: Does this go both ways, or just husband>wife?
If anyone thinks this is a one-way street, there is a problem.
#621 by Rick on August 27, 2013 - 2:01 pm
I actually believe that marriage shouldn’t be work. Or rather, yes the couple should work together to make the marriage work and yes there will be times when it feels hard… but if majority of your marriage feels like work, if it feels hard all the time, then there’s probably something wrong.
For me, marriage is supposed to flow easily and freely for the most part, and you only need to put in the “work” during those few times when it gets hard. But if there are more “hard” parts than there are “easy” ones, then it’s time to rethink.
But hey, that’s just me. I make no claims to being a relationship guru.
#622 by Cher on August 27, 2013 - 4:43 pm
I sent this to my soon to be X husband of 31 years. 9years of cheating and lying with another woman…not easy to accept someone stepping into my position after all the work that I did with the kid, the mother and father in law, the houses, the relatives, etc. I am now choosing to only be with people who love, cherish, adore, and honor the amazing woman I truly am. Divorce is a great wake-up call to learning how to love, cherish, adore, and honor MYSELF. I LOOK FORWARD to my new life of finally being my TRUE magnificence.
#623 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 9:27 am
This advice seems to put a lot more responsibility on the man to make the relationship work than the woman. It goes both ways, or it will never work.
#624 by Bro Montana (@_BroMontana) on August 27, 2013 - 10:26 am
What this person said!
#625 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 12:15 pm
Agree 100% with you.
#626 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 1:27 pm
It not only has to go both ways, the giving has to be done freely and unconditionally both ways. Even if there is a lot of loving behavior like this, the relationship will likely fall apart if somebody is keeping score.
#627 by Rick on August 27, 2013 - 2:03 pm
Agreed. Even if you all these loving and giving behavior, but the effort is taxing you and exhausting you, with enough time you’ll just end up feeling bitter about the whole thing. IMO, the loving behavior should come without too much effort. That way it would be easy to maintain it and make it last.
#628 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 1:32 pm
A college psychology professor told us that marriage is a 60/60 responsibility. Both partners need to carry more than ‘their share’ for things to work. I think the writer being male was simply expressing the things he wished that he had done differently.
#629 by Equality means equal on August 28, 2013 - 8:39 am
I was thinking this exact thing.
Women are coming in here in droves, pointing at what he blogged and saying, “What he said!” I’m curious as to why this article doesn’t promote compromise and self-awareness from both sides? It’s revisionist, surely emotionally-driven advice essentially telling a men to forfeit any sense of independence or individual drive if, basically, his wife doesn’t 100% approve. It’s really not advice grounded in reality, particularly with wives who don’t focus or approve of what feeds their husbands’ souls outside of their relationship.
The truth is it’s important for both sides to continuously work together and fight for each other. Without that, no relationship would ever succeed. But it’s important to recognize that there’s an even split in this responsibility and generally, outside of truly horrible behavior by one side (such as infidelity), if a relationship fails it’s almost always because BOTH sides didn’t do a good enough job focusing on the other.
To the “What he said!” Ladies: Have you also sat down and really thought about how you could have also applied James’ logic to yourself and how you handled your relationship? Or are you using James’ feedback to absolve yourself of your own likely failures in your marriages?
A man should never make you feel less than you are worth, which is the world. But you also need to make sure he feels the same way. 50/50 means 50/50. Anything less or anything more leads to someone feeling slighted over the long term and ultimately a failed relationship.
#630 by MeeA on August 27, 2013 - 8:45 am
I am that lucky woman who cannot help but brag about her husband. No, he doesn’t do the fancy gifts, flowers, chocolates and sweeping romantic gestures. He washes and fills up my car. He watches the kids so that I can enjoy a girls’ night out. He makes me endless cups of tea and coffee. He comes home to me, on time, Every. Single. Night, Instead of hanging out with friends. He laughs at the situation when I’m losing my cool and although I often want to strangle him for it in the moment, I usually end up laughing, too. And in spite of all this, it’s easy to lose sight of how wonderful he is. Thanks for the reminder!
#631 by mopilgrim on August 28, 2013 - 9:24 am
I am that lucky woman, too, and am so sad that there are so many people out there who don’t have my kind of relationship. What I brag about is that in 20 years, my husband has never criticized me…NOT ONCE. Something that probably should be added to the list. He appreciates all the hard work I do, and helps out if I am tired or just not up to it…we never argue about money, even though we are not rich, and are just so happy to be together all the time. I always tell people that we are joined at the hip! It has been a struggle over the years, though, to get him to open up to me completely, as he has always been a quiet person. But with love and gentle coaxing and a bit of suffering on my part, he finally came out of his shell and we are experiencing the marriage I have always dreamed of. Good luck to all those who hope that this article will change their marriage–these premises all worked in my marriage!
#632 by Laura on August 27, 2013 - 7:35 am
Wow, I have one of those husbands that I brag about. I tell our 21 year old daughter, that she will have a tough time finding a man that can measure up to her father. I hope my 22 year old son will be the husband you describe. He has a good chance since his dad set a steller example.
#633 by Nancy Clark on August 27, 2013 - 7:35 am
These words are beautiful & equally valuable for the Wife. After nearly twenty years of marriage,
I have come to realize it is my responsibility to Be what I wish to Attract. The book about the Love Languages was a wedding present that gathered dust, rather than learning the insight it offered. Life occasionally offers Do-Overs…
#634 by spikefarrelltravelspike Farrell on August 27, 2013 - 7:17 am
I too, had a bad divorce after 16 years of marriage. This experience inspired me to write a book on the subject, titled, “Marriage and Divorce, a Survivor’s Guide” by Spike Farrell. When I started divorce proceedings against my wife, I looked around for a book to guide me through the process, can you believe it, I couldn’t find anything on the shelves! That’s why my book came into existence. The book is here to assist as many people as possible, and if you find yourself in the terrible situation of divorce, please get this book it really will help. The book has had very good reviews in the press, radio and magazines and a very good review from Rod Smith who writes the “You and Me’ column in the press. The book, “Marriage and Divorce, a Survivor’s Guide” is available on Amazon and Kindle, and many other E-book-sites, or contact me on spikefarrell@mweb.co.za and I will get a copy to you. I am here to help.
#635 by gmoney on August 27, 2013 - 7:07 am
This is great and nicely written, but marriage is a two way street. You follow this advice to the letter, but it will not do you any good if you are married to a selfish bitch.
#636 by Jason on August 27, 2013 - 9:23 pm
Right. There can’t be a selfish b1tch in any successful marriage be it the husband or wife. God has blessed me with the best woman a man could ask for. Thanks God. 10 years in September and things couldn’t be better. Our relationship has never felt like work to me. I cherish her just as she does me.
#637 by Jade McIntyre on August 27, 2013 - 4:36 am
This was a great article ! I was with my wife for 19 years. Six years of dating and 13 years of marriage. We have three beautiful daughters from or marriage. I was so in love with my wife she was my college sweetheart and I thought she was perfect for me. However after my construction business crashed when the recession hit in 2008 everything started to change. There were no arguments or fights which lead up to us seperating and a few days after returning from a trip to see President Obama’s inauguration my wife told me that she had an appointment to see a doctor. I ask for what thinking she was sick and she told me for or marriage. I was in total shock when she told me that because I had not been able to work that past year she had become bitter at me. I had 17 lawsuits against me from vendors I couldn’t pay do to clients walking away from projects my company was doing and I was searching for a job, but had no luck doing the recession, even with a college degree. I tried everything to save my marriage, but I could not figure out why my wife did not want to go to counseling at the church we attended. So I told or daughters what was going on and prepared myself to leave the house. She asked me to stay and I agreed, but only if we went to counseling at or church. I made an appointment and the day I showed up I called her and she said her half brother who she had only known for a short time needed her to sing at his mothers funeral and that she only had so much time that she could take off work. Talk about a slap in the face, the woman I loved was putting another man’s needs in front of mine. I think after 19 years together I deserve at least one hour of your time to try and save or marriage. At that point I was done. However I could not help but think that there was more to it. So I went through her cell phone and found 34 men’s phone numbers and I found several men on Facebook flirting with her. When I questioned her about it she just tried to brush it off and said she was not cheating on me. A few months after I left the house she was already with another man. The sad thing is I will never really know her reason for leaving me why she didn’t at least try to work on or marriage and if in fact she was cheating on me. I have a hard time believing that she just up an left when the money got funny. Today we don’t talk to each other at all unless its regarding or daughters. And sad to say my outlook on love has forever been changed by a woman I loved so much. I’ve been divorced for three years now and its still such a hard issue to deal with.
#638 by Jason on August 27, 2013 - 9:30 pm
She’s scum bud. It might not feel like it now but your better of. And Karma’s a b1tch. You did what you could. Sorry to hear it though.
#639 by lara on August 27, 2013 - 2:19 am
Wow! i didnt know my hubby doing a great job after reading this. most advice here are true and i been pampered with it for more than 14 years. Good luck for new love.
#640 by Gisselle on August 27, 2013 - 2:08 am
i just want to share my experience and testimony here on how Dr Agba.. i was married for 6years to my husband and all of a sudden, another woman came into the picture.. he started hailing me and he was abusive..but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost…then he filed for divorce..my whole life was turning apart and i didn’t know what to do..he moved out of the house and abandoned the kids.. so someone told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to this Dr Agba so i decided to try it reluctantly..although i didn’t believe in all those things… then when he did the spell, after 4 days, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn’t believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy…..If any of you ever need help help regarding relationship issues, contact him through his email address agbalaxxy@gmail.com
#641 by Jason on August 27, 2013 - 9:34 pm
A Dr that does spells huh? Did he get his phd in chemistry? Funny
#642 by Peter on August 28, 2013 - 8:10 am
Is it possible to pay 4 times the price of the spell so that it can be done in 24 hours? Or 100 times the price for it to be done in just 1 hour? Then I may be interested. Thank you
#643 by Margie Brizzolari on August 27, 2013 - 1:06 am
Reblogged this on Window on my world and commented:
These words of pain and wisdom must be shared. And they apply to women as well as men.
#644 by JL on August 27, 2013 - 12:33 am
Can someone please write a guide to loving a man that’s as clean and concise?
#645 by charity on August 27, 2013 - 11:36 pm
It’s the same for women. except men thrive on respect. Pay attention when he talks. do your best to greet him at the door when he comes home. compliment him every chance you get. show an interest in his work. and then add all the other stuff in this article.
#646 by sleeplessinvacaville on August 27, 2013 - 12:23 am
I would love to marry a man like this. 🙂
#647 by tim lang on August 26, 2013 - 10:18 pm
A woman goes to her pastor and tells him that she wants to divorce her husband, that he is not the man she married anymore.
The pastor says “Well, here is what you should do, you should spend the next 30 days being so nice, love him, make him nice dinners that way when you leave he will be devastated, that will teach him”
She said ” yeah..”
6 weeks later the pastor sees the woman and asks her if she is getting her divorce, to which the woman replies..
Why would I do that, he is a changed man… He loves me and treats me right..
Moral of the story.. “What it took to ‘catch’ you spouse is what it takes to keep your spouse.”
-tim
#648 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 7:09 am
Amen
#649 by Carlos on August 26, 2013 - 10:12 pm
For years I’ve been saying exactly that which you’ve expressed in your article and at at times I’ve been told that I need to be more open minded and that we are made to bounce back and fall in love again. Thanks for the affirmation, God Bless and you’ll be remembered in prayer.
#650 by Arnold Davis on August 26, 2013 - 10:03 pm
My wife and I just celebrated our 46th wedding anniversary. There have been times that have been extremely hard, in which our relationship nearly ended. But I think much of what got us through the rough patches was the advice given to us at our wedding by my wife’s grandparents: “Remember that for a marriage to last, you BOTH have to do 90% of the work.” Sometimes I think younger people don’t realize how much LOVE is the result of patient hard work. Love at first sight is a juvenile erotic fantasy: however much fun it may be, it isn’t love. Maybe you learn to love only by holding each other’s hands through nights of real terror.
#651 by Anonymous on August 26, 2013 - 10:48 pm
Amen
#652 by GLA on August 26, 2013 - 9:57 pm
My wife and I of 26 years are separated. She told me for almost 2 years she was not happy but I couldn’t understand why or what I should do and after awhile nothing seemed to help. I lost her love. How I wish I would have had something like this. It seems so clear now. She sent me this link, maybe there is still hope for us and it is not to late to regain her love by concentrating on these bits of wisdom.
#653 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 8:06 am
Go for it Guy!
Sounds like you’re losing the love of your life.
#654 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 12:47 pm
Go for it!
#655 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 7:11 pm
I tend to agree, if she sent it to you then there still may be some hope 🙂 You’ll never know unless you try
#656 by Jade Cary on August 27, 2013 - 10:14 am
It is not too late. Good luck to you.
#657 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 2:42 pm
Don’t give up if you love her. If she sent this there is hope
#658 by Anonymous on August 26, 2013 - 9:48 pm
50% of marriages end in divorce and many others stay in relationships they are not happy with. i am not against marriage however there seems to be something unnatural or forced about marriage. As everybody above has stated things change over time, and more often than not we move further apart than together. why is that?
#659 by Jason on August 27, 2013 - 9:42 pm
Our bellies get to big.
#660 by Roland on August 26, 2013 - 7:57 pm
not sure if it’s too late for me to say this, but I’ll pray for the restoration of your marriage brother. Thank you for sharing this with the rest of the people here. I’m only 24 and single, but this is a very good and friendly reminder for me of what i ought to do as a man. God Bless
#661 by Sarah on August 27, 2013 - 9:31 am
To the individual who posted about the 50% stat above.It all comes back to setting goals and dreams together. If you are moving in the same direction you are going to remain close and together. If you don’t then people do drift apart. Both people grow in their own direction and before you know it you don’t have much in common, and you have become separated from the other persons heart. Think of marriage like two people in kayaks. You are there to help each other through the waters of life. if you both have the same destination or goal in mind and work together you will both get to the end together. if some one changes their mind about the destination and doesn’t tell the other person then they end up in different places. We have been married for 13.5 years and gone through many rapids together…..I know if we didn’t work together through them we would have ended up divorced. Good luck to you.
#662 by Jade Cary on August 26, 2013 - 7:21 pm
Beautiful. I am going to print this and hang it where I can see it. It is good to be reminded of what works. Next month my Beloved and I will celebrate 30 years together. We practice all the things on your list, for the most part. To me, the biggest thing that he does for me is cherish me. I need that from him, and he gives it, 100%. As for you, my friend, you will go on to find your next joy with all kinds of tools in your pocket. I wish you much luck and love.
#663 by Eli Heiss on August 26, 2013 - 7:19 pm
Reblogged this on Eli on WordPress and commented:
“After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had”
#664 by georgie on August 26, 2013 - 6:05 pm
You’ve brought tears from down deep in my heart. You’ve eloquently shared what many have experienced, but few have learned completely. I honor your courage to speak so boldly in this world where marriage is not valued nearly as God intended for it to be. Marriage is a blessed gift and many take it for granted. Divorce is so incredibly damaging to so many and to our society as a whole If anyone who reads this, including your ex-wife, can internalize all you’ve learned, then our world will be a much better place to live and dare to love. God bless you as you live the rest of your life with a renewed outlook on love!
#665 by Robert Markowitz on August 26, 2013 - 9:15 pm
Perhaps you’re right. But it’s easy to open up when you know the relationship is over. We do what we do, and it’s always the best we can do at the time. You can’t will yourself to be at a higher consciousness than you are. You’re looking at the aspect of you that misses your relationship, but there was a huge aspect of you that wanted out of that relationship. So, now you’re out. It probably feels like you’ve been through surgery. But there are good things about it too.
#666 by Miss DM on August 26, 2013 - 5:42 pm
Aww that is so sweet. Definitely a rule book to follow for a successful relationship. Married or not. Thanks for the post!
– Miss DM
http://dmchicblog.wordpress.com/
#667 by NJN on August 26, 2013 - 5:38 pm
I am getting married next year and I wanna love my future husband truly, madly and deeply, putting his needs above my own…
#668 by Anonymous on August 26, 2013 - 5:02 pm
would like to know his reason for divorce. If you really love her, let her go and you will be happy.
#669 by stevegurley on August 26, 2013 - 4:50 pm
I was given the following advice before I got married. For 33 years, it’s worked for me and my wife.
– Love your spouse as you would love yourself (i.e. think of their needs/desires first)
– True love comes from commitment; true commitment does not depend on “feeling in love”.
– Always give forgiveness when asked, always seek forgiveness when needed.
– Always stay focused on that which is bigger than the both of you. (e.g. your spiritual lives)
– Be sure to marry someone who shares an equal commitment to the prior four points
#670 by Yvette Lewis on August 26, 2013 - 3:07 pm
my years of marriage is short and going through the process like others had gone through and still going through. i asked my husband why is it men is the way they are and he told me he never started anything it is god who made them that way so is either i live with it or live without it.
#671 by ch on August 26, 2013 - 5:35 pm
I was married for ten years. I know for a fact when young and couple people ask me what I think about Marriage this is the exact advice I give. So in time we all learn where we fail and succeed. Not forgetting about one another beyond our daily activities is so important. To many couples over schedule the children and our relationship is lost in the shuffle.
#672 by hovff on August 26, 2013 - 2:54 pm
Our 3 year anniversary is tomorrow. I hope this gives him a clue so we can share our 4th and many more…
#673 by theseer1959 on August 26, 2013 - 2:49 pm
Breakdowns in marriage do not happen overnight; They are the result of series of slights husbands and wives place upon one another. Though they may seem ‘small'(it isn’t) , they are as termites which break the sense of worth in one’s spouse–or both . A union of hearts also turns into a tragic battle of the sexes where instead of recognizing the value of the other, marrieds can demean the differences–demanding that the spouse becomes just like him, or her. The bottom line is, we forget the days when we were single, and begged God and Heaven to give us a spouse. And once we do have one, we forget the vow before Heaven to make life beautiful for him/her.
#674 by Lts on August 26, 2013 - 2:34 pm
Reblogged this on Lts and commented:
This is something I believe we should all read even though it pertains to marriage I also believe it can strengthen your D/s – M ..It has a lot of good values. Its also a sad lesson to learn after you gave 16 years of your life to find out what should have always been important in my opinion from the start. Lts♥
#675 by Lori on August 26, 2013 - 11:27 am
Too bad my ex husband of 16 years didn’t have this. If he did we might still be together. I fell out of love because he turned cruel, among other things his happiness came first. Plus he forgot to cherish me.
#676 by Cesar on August 26, 2013 - 2:42 pm
Did you actually have this??? Did you do everything that was written above, to him??…maybe you did.
This is written by a man (apparently), but like it is explained above: this has to be reciprocated, otherwise either one or the other will be overwhelmed…and it obviously won’t work…
It takes two to tango. As I divorced man I could tell you, I thought I tried everything to keep my marriage alive…but if did not work, it means I did not try everything…maybe we were not meant to be together and love was gone…and I was discouraged, motivation was gone at the end and gave up…
#677 by Anonymous on August 26, 2013 - 2:45 pm
I was married for 23 years we have been together for almost 30 been they alot he has cheated many times and still i stuck by him i loved him more than anything this Thursday Is going to b or divorce day and he left me for my suppisebly best friend and i have not had to date for 32 years and don’t feel I’m good enough for any one now
#678 by Anonymous on August 26, 2013 - 6:04 pm
I know what you are going through.. I was married for 32 years.. He was my one and only .. after many years of trying to keep the marriage together.. working two jobs for over 22 years,, I gave up in a sense. He left me on Christmas Day 2010 , no warning,said he was going to the store and never came back.
I too felt nobody will love me again.. oh , I had breast cancer in 2009 , so I really felt low as low cane be.
have faith in yourself . Its scary at first ,dating..but its awesome to have someone to talk and just have fun again.. Love will find you, at 50 ,or whatever your age is..stay strong and go for it.. you will be able to find that young girl and her love for life again..I know I did.
#679 by Laura on August 27, 2013 - 7:47 am
I met husband 30 years ago, and married 23. I understand you have given him most of your young years. Confidence comes from within, so believe in yourself. Try humbling yourself and pray for some help. I did that 32 years ago and my husband came into my life.
#680 by Jason on August 27, 2013 - 10:13 pm
Love is never selfish. It’s selfless.
#681 by Amy on August 26, 2013 - 11:21 am
I love this and believe in it.. I am a 35yr old woman and am married to my 1st love for 18 yrs now , and it has been at times the hardest thing I have ever done in my life it takes work and compromise everyday.. About a yr or so ago we were at a stand still neither wanting to make the 1st move and finally I decided I loved him and wasn’t ready to let him go so I try and work everyday to show and him that I love him for the man that he is and has become for me and our 2 kids. We still have lows but the key is to stop collect yourself and see if it is important enough not to let it go! I try not to take for granted to show and tell him how important and how much I love him everyday… Making him happy and loved intern makes me happy.. We are both putting forth an effort that we had let drift becase we had gotten to comfortable in our marriage and it was starting to fall apart, now we no longer take the other for granted… It’s like we are learning about each other all over again and I know I fall more in love with him all the time!!!
#682 by Jason on August 27, 2013 - 10:25 pm
Great. You have to do everything you can for yourselves but especially for your children. Part of our societies major issues are a direct result of divorce. We are losing the morales that made us great to begin with.
#683 by Anonymous on August 26, 2013 - 11:05 am
We have married 27 yrs. my husband put up a wall to his heart long b/4 we were married. He did not have a good family prescience of marriage. He didn’t know how to give his heart to anyone. When our first child was born it changed a little but the love was for the child. He never told his kids he loved them. I had to tell him to do that. I have tried to be affectionate towards him in front of our kids so that they could have an example since my husband didn’t. There are nights I cry myself to sleep out of anger for staying in this loveless marriage. I wish he would see this article and read it, and just realize how much I need his heart.
#684 by hovff on August 26, 2013 - 3:02 pm
I wish you the best sister. I am 31 with a very simple, small town home grown, son of a farmer sweetheart. While his love for me may be very sweet, the ability to acknowledge lack of love and romance is not there. I too, cry myself at times for I should be thankful for what I have, but what is marriage and all that comes with it for if you dont put all that should go into it.
I wish you the best. Tomorrow is our 3 year… I commend you because I don’t think I could be in a loveless marriage for as long as you have been.
#685 by janemutiny on August 26, 2013 - 11:00 am
All I know is this: my husband and I are very much in love after 10 years together. Pretty much all of these are our regular practices. We have found gratitude, honesty, and respect to be paramount. A good marriage can be the cornerstone of a life well-lived. Much love to all of you out there trying to make it work.
#686 by Anonymous on August 26, 2013 - 10:40 am
My husband has changed so much when we got married. We were together for 3 years when I became pregnant, and decided to get married. He was never an angry person when we were dating, he did all of these things mentioned in the article because we planned on getting married someday. But now with a 23 month old, he is turned into this mean person, that just makes me so sad. The other day, he got into a huge argument with me because he asked me to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for him and I put too much jelly on it. He said that he has told me this 3 or 4 times, and that I don’t respect him enough to remember the way he likes it. When I do the laundry, occasionally (1 out of 4 times) I will leave his clothes downstairs and take mine and my son’s up. Sometimes I don’t feel like going back down and getting his clothes, and he is down there a lot anyway, so I figure he can just bring them up when he comes up. He said that because I don’t take his clothes up each and every time, I don’t respect him. It is driving me crazy. A month ago, I made a reservation at a B&B for his birthday, my mom had our son and his mom had the dog, so there was nothing for us to worry about. We got into the room and he looked at me and said, “What makes you think I would like something like this?” It made me feel so bad. The rest of the trip was just him complaining. I was so mad, I didn’t want to talk to him on the ride home, and he got really mad at me. I try to tell him that he needs to get therapy (he has extreme social anxiety), but he says that he has a unique problem that therapy can’t help. I am at my wit’s end.
#687 by jrl on August 26, 2013 - 10:48 am
Are there trusted and respected elders (older men and women) in your community you can speak with in confidence, for counsel?
#688 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 7:01 am
I usually talk to my parents, if I talk to his mother, she just nods and says “he sounds just like his father”. They have a terrible relationship. My parents are always telling me that I can move back home any time I want to.
#689 by Anonymous on August 26, 2013 - 11:21 am
My husband was diagnosed with that exact thing & he tried several meds til the dr got the best one & it changed his life !! Our marriage did not survive but he is doing sooo much better? Years of alcoholism killed a 35 year marriage that sucks but we live separately & get along much better now, I hope this helps u he needs to talk to a dr about his disorder !! That’s my advice 🙂
#690 by Christina on August 26, 2013 - 1:10 pm
Saying therapy can’t help because one is “unique” is a problem in and of itself. Everyone can benefit from therapy. No one is that well put together and no one’s problem is that unique. If he does have social anxiety then it may be the case that he would have to try harder to find a therapist that he can feel comfortable with. Look for therapists that specialize in social anxiety (and maybe do some work with control issues and communication). My recommendation would be someone who works more CBT than psychodynamic (you can ask them). It would also be a good idea for you to find someone to talk to as well, whether a therapist, good friend, or someone you look up to (but they have to be a positive, moving forward type person). I am in no way blaming you and you should never let anyone make you feel like problems in a marriage are solely one person’s fault, but have you taken an honest look at yourself and evaluated if you are communicating your needs clearly and openly?
#691 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 6:58 am
I feel that if I try to communicate openly and clearly, he just puts me down. I have tried to express my feelings about these situations, and he just minimizes the issues. I have my B.A in psychology, so I have been mentioning CBT and trying to explain to him why it’s a good idea, but he thinks that no one can help him.
#692 by ghassan on August 26, 2013 - 3:08 pm
Keep on doing whatever you have been doing. You must be doing it right. Trust yourself, though silence is of gold. You don’t mention if you argue or if you smile to each other still. I guess you do. Then it’s going right. These phases and incidents happen in all marriages. He’s not stupid and you are not lost. Doubt arises and shatters dreams. If he’s God then abide, if your inferior then rule, if your equal associate more and compromise.
#693 by Anonymous on August 26, 2013 - 8:04 pm
I would recommend you start reading about verbally and emotionally abusive relationships. You’ll most likely realize, as I did, that the fog clears and you can start responding to him in ways that don’t make you lose yourself. Blessings on your journey. Remember, you are a strong woman and you can walk down this new path of knowledge safely and with confidence.
#694 by Anonymous on August 26, 2013 - 10:24 pm
Honey that is a domestic violent situation…emotionally and psychologically. To constantly put you down or try to make you feel guilty for something HE feels you “need” to do is not okay. You should consider seeking a DV counselor in your area. And he’s right, a regular counselor for his social anxiety is not going to help him because his issues clearly go beyond that since it’s happening in his own home.
#695 by Jason on August 27, 2013 - 10:38 pm
Great. You have to do everything you can for yourselves but especially for your children. Part of our societies major issues are a direct result of divorce. We are losing the morales that made us great to begin with.
#696 by Jason on August 27, 2013 - 10:44 pm
The best things in life are never easy. Anything worth having is worth fighting for. It sounds like your parents are willing to give you an easy out. As your mother reinforces your complaints and offers you an out. Is this the best thing? Probably not. Fight for yourself and your marriage. If not for that work on it for your children,
#697 by Anonymous on August 26, 2013 - 9:31 am
Love you gilbert….found this interesting especially since you do alot of these things…thank you for being so good to me and being such a wonderful husband and father and I know you are going to be the best grandpa ever!!! Xo
#698 by Shannygirl on August 26, 2013 - 7:37 am
Reblogged this on Shanpagne all around and commented:
All married people should read this.. and learn by it.
#699 by asoulsoiree on August 26, 2013 - 2:41 am
An interesting read … never an easy topic! Nice to find your blog and read the perspectives presented.
#700 by leelakirloskar on August 26, 2013 - 1:30 am
Beautiful.
#701 by Amy (Bubbles and Blush) on August 26, 2013 - 1:17 am
Beautiful. This advice is aimed towards men, but I think both people in a relationship could benefit from reading it. Thank you so much for sharing.
#702 by Cathy on August 25, 2013 - 11:34 pm
Amazing! Thank you so much for sharing your story, James!
#703 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 11:11 pm
But remember shes got to be in it too….or else its just not worth IT!
#704 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 9:39 am
That’s very true. It has to be both people committing to the relationship. When she takes and takes and never gives back that is not right. You both need to give 100 percent. When he works all day, shouldn’t she be taking care of the kids and the house? Instead of lying and hiding things. It needs to be a two way street!!
#705 by Jane on August 25, 2013 - 10:59 pm
Incredible list, however I must say I was exhausted just reading the list, let alone thinking of how exhausted you would be implementing such a list Gerald. Please make sure that the woman who is going to be the recipient of such amazing things be appreciative enough and deserving enough to receive them. Hopefully she will be able to reciprocate and give her all to you too.
I’m a 44 year old divorced woman. I have only 3 friends who have good marriages, but that’s only me being the observer of their marriages; who knows what goes on behind closed doors.
A friend of mine read somewhere that the average divorce rate is 50%, and of those 50% only 15% are truly very very happy. That means that out of every 100 marriages, only 7.5% are successful in the end. Now if you asked me to take an emotional, financial, physical and spiritual investment on anything with a 92.5% failure rate, my answer would be an astounding ‘no’.
However, emotions are quite powerful and everyone has fantasies of the ultimate relationship, even though the chances of that happening are quite slim – so I guess despite such bad statistics we all keep hoping we will be part of the successful 7.5%.
Best of luck to you Gerald Rogers, I really hope you find your perfect mate.
#706 by jrl on August 26, 2013 - 9:37 am
You wrote, “Now if you asked me to take an emotional, financial, physical and spiritual investment on anything with a 92.5% failure rate, my answer would be an astounding ‘no’.”
Many share this concern. Thank you for sharing.
#707 by extraordinarilyuniquelyme on August 25, 2013 - 10:35 pm
Reblogged this on extraordinarilyuniquelyme and commented:
Great perspective. Certainly words to live by.
#708 by thepeningpengantin on August 25, 2013 - 10:31 pm
My 2 cents’ worth, in response to this post. http://thepeningpengantin.wordpress.com/2013/08/26/in-response-2/
#709 by jrl on August 26, 2013 - 9:40 am
I read it. I’m pressed. Good work. Are you a counselor of some sorts?
#710 by thepeningpengantin on August 26, 2013 - 10:45 am
A counselor?! Haha, Not at all, sir. Im your average 24 year-old from Singapore and I’m intending to tie the knot next year. 😉 But thank you for your compliments, glad you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.
#711 by jrl on August 26, 2013 - 10:47 am
Wow. You got a bright future ahead of you, kid. What line of business are you in?
#712 by thepeningpengantin on August 26, 2013 - 10:51 am
Aww thank you very much! I got started on this last Friday, but only got down to 1 point. Then this morning (it’s nearly midnight where I’m from!) I had slightly over an hour of free time at work, so I got back to my draft and it all just came gushing in. Im a teacher aide, working in a school. I help kids from 1st to 6th grade. Which is hella far from dealing with marriages of any kind!
#713 by jrl on August 26, 2013 - 10:53 am
You deal in relationships and they share common threads. The children are blessed to have you. Thank you for your contributions to humanity! All the best, James Russell Lingerfelt
#714 by thepeningpengantin on August 26, 2013 - 10:57 am
Yes, you’re right. Some of points can be applied to just any relationship in general, and at times I was inspired by thinking of families. Once again, thanks for your compliments and hopefully my sharing reaches out to the people. I’ll add on more points whenever I have any. 😉
#715 by thepeningpengantin on August 26, 2013 - 11:02 am
Oh, and I hope I’ll get the chance to read The Mason Jar someday! Sure looks and sounds like a great read.
#716 by Paige on August 25, 2013 - 9:48 pm
i do EVERYTHING i can to make my husbands life easier since he is only home a short time every week. but sometimes, all i want after working as well is down time with him. time that means being held and protected, to have his complete attention. I start feeling resentful when i dont have my emotional needs met. and since we both have the same two love languages, i know he needs it too. He is a truck driver, and while i KNOW he will never do anything to hurt me out there on the road, I still crave his attention, his touch, his presence long after he pulls out of the drive. i need the support to keep me going, to make all that i do on the homefront worth it. I love his sooooo much. we have been married only 4 years but thats longer than some in todays society. i dont know what i would do without him. I miss him every day he in on the road.
#717 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 8:24 pm
Sorry but I don’t agree with some of this…..each partner should give 100%. I understand the man should do EVERYTHING they can for the Woman. All this says is what “He” should of done to keep his marriage going. I am sorry but as I would do everything for my wife and take multiple guns shots for her I will not go the extra mile if she is not going to. I am not saying he doesn’t have valid points but everyone is different and I will have my own ways of doing things. Anyways good luck to all.
#718 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 9:59 pm
Anonymous, I am sure you will disagree, but I think you missed the point. The point of the whole article is to give to the relationship. If you give only on the condition that she gives back an equal amount, you may be married (if you are) to the wrong person. There are many things he is discussing, that I can attest, will only come to your understanding with age and truly cherishing a woman. If you would take multiple bullets for her, I would think you would be willing to give to her and your relationship without expecting a quid pro quo. I am not a genius, but am 51 and have been married a long time.
#719 by Anonymous on August 26, 2013 - 3:08 am
no one expect you to agree. There are things for women like this too, this is for a man to love his woman. So, if you’re a man, you would try to do these steps in order to get her back unless you dont want to. Woman who wants her man back will look for tips like this too. Men who likes this were the only men who really love their woman, and wants her back and is willing to fix their marriage. If you dont agree to this, that only means you’re not happy with her 0%.
#720 by Anonymous on August 26, 2013 - 11:19 am
Each Partner should give, but sometimes someone needs to take the first step. If the other is not selfish, they will want to be just as sweet..
#721 by LS on August 26, 2013 - 2:11 pm
hi, I can say from a woman’s point of view that if you give you will get back ten times what you give her. They say that when the man truly gives what she needs than she amplifies back what he gives her. Most woman I know want to give to their husbands, but they feel like they give and keep giving and don’t get anything in return. I know when my husband gives to me I pull out all the punches and give back to him so much! He expresses that as well. There is something about the man taking the lead in a relationship that is so sexy for a woman. Try it! You may find a huge return. The key though is to give unselfishly without expecting a return. That is true love that most people don’t find today.
#722 by Serena on August 25, 2013 - 8:04 pm
I’m wondering if there is any way I can get a paper copy of this ? I’m currently having to pursue a divorce because of abuse issues and adultery with my husband and he doesn’t see that he has any problems. I’m devestatated but I want this for me in case I ever find another right man.
Thanks
Serena
#723 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 8:50 pm
I do hope you have left this ass. You deserve better.
#724 by hovff on August 26, 2013 - 3:08 pm
Agree
#725 by mymess on August 25, 2013 - 6:07 pm
It’s a lovely post. Thanks for sharing, it is very meaningful. It is so easy to take things for granted.
#726 by bob on August 25, 2013 - 5:51 pm
I have the most wonderful wife that I’ve been blessed with for 30 yrs. and after reading the 20 points, I picked up a number of pointers that I will start working on today. Linda, my wife is always trying to please me and I’m always work on not taking advantage of her!
I loved all the comments that he made and may the Lord be in his heart and soul when he meets his new soul mate!….God Bless!
#727 by Jadaj on August 25, 2013 - 5:34 pm
This is truth…every ingredient to a strong lasting love. I’m filled with motivation from reading this.. And want to do all that’s written!!! Ty for sharing!!
#728 by texasladyjuanita on August 25, 2013 - 4:21 pm
My husband and I are both givers, romantic, smart, fun, Christian, conservative, successful managers, can’t stay mad very long, glass half-full people, good parents, etc. It would be strange if our 18 year marriage were not as good or better than day one – we are so very blessed in our love and friendship. It isn’t hard for us. We have each almost died on at least one horrid medical occasion – and the love just keeps us taking care of each other until the other one is loved back to good health. Yes, we each have faults – but aren’t the kind of people to focus on faults . . . well, except that we are both becoming hard of hearing – mis-hearing what the other says can be perplexing at times. LOL For 18 years, some people joke that we are joined at the hip . . . that’s what happens when you love your best friend. He makes me a better wife, and I make him a better husband. WE are each very loving people. So, I am sad to hear that others have such a hard time of it. John and I were each hurt in prior marriages. We are each the gift that God gave the other one when we asked God to help us find a forever love and friend. Pray for that good relationship, and He will not let you down. We joke about date night – because every night is date night – and every home we have moved to has been the best hotel on the planet. I am madly in love with my husband.
#729 by Amanda on August 25, 2013 - 4:20 pm
This hits home for me so much as I found out a few month ago that my husband was having an affair with a mutual friend of ours who was also married. I wish he could see this and understand just how important marriage is. All I want is for him to come home and for us to be a family again but he says that he is not committed to our marriage and he has to give himself to be in love with me. I’am so utterly heart broken that I have no idea what to do or say around him anymore. I’am so lost.
#730 by Dennis Amnott on August 25, 2013 - 7:30 pm
Amanda…I’m not a counselor but went thru a very messy and painful marriage and divorce that I brought on all by myself. I cheated so many times in our 13 years together I can’t count. We have 3 children and after seeing the pain and trauma I created I went on a 10 yr. binge trying to drink or drug myself to death. There was one woman who I had an affair with, she was in a marriage where her husband worked at a local prison treated her like an inmate.
Long story short, she would call me once a year to see if I was still alive. I would always tell her that if I got another chance with her I would grow up, act like a man and be the husband I should have been the first time around. One night she knocked on my apt. door with a suitcase in hand. We have been happily married for 28 years now.
Sorry I am supposed to be offering you help not talking about me. It sounds like you have made all the correct overtures to your husband. If his love and affection is directed to another, let him go!
You deserve better and he is out there somewhere. It takes time and you ” have to kiss a lot of frogs” before you find him, but take heed he is there.
I hope you find the love and affection you deserve, but you don’t need the loveless abusive situation you are stuck in.
#731 by tim on August 25, 2013 - 7:34 pm
amanda, i feel you you. I am in a similar boat, absent the infidelity. my wife of 13 yrs, and 4 kids, just decided that she was never meant to be married, and is filing for divorce. now while i can honestly admit i failed some of these excellent points, i was a good husband, i provided for my family, was faithful, and supported my wife through it all… but she has decided, and left. I am heart broken, sad, depressed and devastated… but i am working on it. being rejected is never easy..
#732 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 8:06 pm
I know the feeling your going through….my husband and I just had our 18yr anniversary and he left me 2 weeks before. We were together over 22+yrs. I just don’t understand nor will I ever. I love mine with my whole being. If you have never been put here before you truly don’t understand what were going through. I feel your pain!!
#733 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 11:13 pm
My husband just left me on Aug. 1, after 13 years together… I adored him and still love him. What is it with all these men leaving such faithful and devoted wives?
#734 by anonymous on August 26, 2013 - 2:02 pm
If you think there is any hope for your marriage, and you desire to be reconciled, may want to read Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson.
#735 by Angela on August 26, 2013 - 2:59 am
Dear Amanda, you deserve so much more than what he has given you. Why do you want someone who won’t reciprocate your love? Let him go! You will be fine and you will find someone who will love you and treat you the way that it should be. Keep your head up and smile and the whole world will smile with you! =D
#736 by HappilyMarried12years on August 25, 2013 - 4:08 pm
Bravo to this writer! I’m just so sorry he learned this after the divorce. Who knows, maybe his Ex will read this, realize he has changed, and give him a new chance.
There are 2 things I would add to this article:
1. Before marrying, get pre-marital counseling…ALL marriages are work. The better you prepare before, the better your marriage. IF you are already married, it’s never too late to get the counseling given to newlyweds.
2. Ground your marriage in God. Be of the same Faith. When you see your marriage as a covenant with God, you EACH will work harder at it, knowing that you won’t just be breaking a covenant with each other, but with God.
#737 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 4:08 pm
Its said if you each give 60% you will have a successful marriage. Sometimes one or the other will refuse to give, all they want is give me, or you owe me. Its said one should try marriage consoling, When one says its not me or my fault and refuse consoling, you know they have a problem. Some marriages are domed to failure. I know I’ve been married over 50 years. The only glue that holds us together is the oath I took before God and a room full of people.
#738 by joleen on August 25, 2013 - 3:38 pm
This is so great and true. Woman need to also do all of this as well. Marriage is give & take. I’ve been with my husband going on 19 yrs. We are a young couple & have been through so much over the years. Been to hell & back again a few times. We’ve seen so many people get married then devorced then married & devorced again. I told a friend once when he & his girl were having a moment that your not always in love that a great marriage means falling in & out of Love all the time. Its the falling back in that makes it all worth it. He was confused and said I thought your suppose to always be in love. I said you love them but being in love is different. People give up to soon. If we gave up with every hard time we wouldn’t have made it a year. I’m so sorry that your marriage didn’t make it but if you learned all that you’ve said then your marriage wasn’t lost. You learned great things from it & when it comes around again you’ll practice what you preach…. Great article
#739 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 3:33 pm
It would be nice to have the same advice for women on how to treat their man. Although some of the advice could be the same for a man
#740 by Cathy on August 25, 2013 - 3:00 pm
Men, read this! If you can do this for us, we can do it for you!
#741 by Dennis E. Amnott on August 25, 2013 - 2:37 pm
I think there are many head strong husbands that pooh pooh this or laugh and think they are above the advice, you
are in for future pain and heartache that is beyond words. Think about it, I lived it, I felt it, I survived it, and over 10 years I tried to drown, smoke, snort and cry the pain of lonliness away. It was taken away by an understanding wonderful loving woman who was in love with me, the guy who bricked himself inside walls I thought nobody could penetrate. She helped me take those walls down and that was 30 years ago. We are still going strong. It can’t happen if you don’t work at it because as he said, “things change”.
#742 by Broken on August 25, 2013 - 2:33 pm
Good information. Unfortunately, loving a woman who cheated, lied, became a drug addict and therefore a habitual liar does not fit into the equation. 15yrs and 2 kids later. She is no longer in our lives.
I really don’t want tofind another woman and remarry. I want her the way she used to be.
#743 by G.l. Villars on August 25, 2013 - 2:29 pm
my wife is my partner, not my property. what is said about advice is common sense to me. the hardest part in a relationship, and what I try to do daily, is see the world through my wife’s eyes. This always help me to be more understanding and its easier to say I’m sorry
#744 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 1:06 pm
Marriage is a 2 way street. If one person does all the loving, it’s only a matter of time when there is nothing left to give.. Women often forget that men need things too. We need to be loved, trusted, and feel wanted. I think women have also forgotten these things as well.
#745 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 11:54 pm
Amen!
#746 by the 44th on August 25, 2013 - 12:27 pm
That is all fine and well. However when you have a wife who does not respect herself, or anyone around her there is only so much one can do. My ex walked after 2 children, 11 yrs of marirage, and her second affair, for a co-worker who was ‘her one true love.’ There were many mental health issues she refused to adress. She is now in a relationship consumed by alcohol abuse and domestic violence (I don’t drink and the thought of hitting anyone, especially a spouse is abhorent), with no sign of ending (there are now more children). She has nothing to do with any of her family and I am the one keeping the link alive. No matter what anyone would have done with regards to the 20 points listed, nothing would have changed.
#747 by Janet M Fleming on August 25, 2013 - 12:17 pm
I’ve read a lot of stories written by men pertaining to relationships, but love story was spectacular. The wisdom that you now have from your divorce/pain is uncanny. I know if something like this was written a few years ago maybe me and my ex would still be together. I look forward to reading your book.
#748 by sophiehweisman on August 25, 2013 - 4:41 pm
It is important that you raised the topic of mental health issues. While the article is a beautiful description of what marriage can aspire to- and it is SO important that BOTH men and women are prepared to offer this kind of love and devotion- when there are mental health issues present, a partner has to be very careful of the co dependant relationship they may form with that person. It is very difficult to find a healthy way to love someone who cannot give healthy love back.
#749 by klocksley on August 25, 2013 - 12:13 pm
I refuse to pick apart this article. There is so much beautiful truth herein. To the author, I wish you the very best. God Bless you Sir.
#750 by jennyroca on August 25, 2013 - 11:52 am
…wow, this list is good for women too…………….
#751 by nadia on August 25, 2013 - 3:07 pm
SWEET
I agree
#752 by Wendy on August 25, 2013 - 10:44 am
Love this! If only every man would read this and make it his purpose there would be less divorce. Thanks for sharing!
#753 by SingleLady on August 25, 2013 - 10:38 am
I only have this to say to the writer ♪♪if you change your mind, I’m the first in line! Honey, I’m still free! Take a chance on me…♪♪ LOL Seriously, thought, good article. Love is a two way street but to many folks, men and women alike have an attitude of my way or the highway. That’s a big part of the problem. Folks who get married when in reality they would be better off single. That’s me. I was married for nearly 10 years (5 of them happy)…but in reality I should’ve kept it as a summer romance vs going into a marriage. C’est la vie.
#754 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 10:21 am
Thank you for sharing…love this perspective. I hope I can learn from my own marriage that has come to a sad end. I felt like I had done everything possible, but it does take two ppl. I know I gave a lot. Id love to write my own reflection from the female perspective. If a marriage includes two people willing to committ and fight for what is important to each party there are many rewards for that hard work.
#755 by Ron on August 25, 2013 - 8:08 am
Having done all of that and she STILL walks out. Now what? It takes BOTH parties being self-less to keep a relationship strong.
#756 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 9:41 am
Ron, I would very much agree, it takes two…it’s a great article, but after 13 years of me giving everything I had and not having it reciprocated, it no longer works. It’s sad and devastating to see something end that i was so dedicated to. But…I also know that much of it has nothing to do with me. My soon to be x-husband has told me it he just didn’t understand what having a partnership meant and just not really sure how much he wanted to commit. As long as two people have the same expectations, communicate and work hard to make the relationship work (as he shared his version of what that is…I thought it was very good, but that’s me!) I think relationships can survive. Reality is everyone’s expectations are different. I am trying to learn from the experience and have hope things are turing out just as they are supposed to. Good luck to you!
#757 by Andrew on August 25, 2013 - 10:37 am
Give it to God, brother. It only takes one. God can change even the hardest of hearts, but someone has to ask Him.
#758 by Dur McWood on August 26, 2013 - 11:48 am
I’ve asked and asked and asked – and there is no change. I have been an excellent husband and father – and after 18 years together and 15 years of marriage and two beautiful kids – my wife who never believed in divorce now wants one and has utterly destroyed our marriage with 3 affairs in 6 months.
The bottom line is my wife has given in to the flesh and Satan owns her right now. All the praying in the world will not change her. God allows Satan to tempt and promises an out. But, we have freewill – and if we choose not to take the ‘out’ then we’ve separated ourselves from God for a life of the flesh.
This is the worst time in my life and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I love her so much and she does not love me. We were so close and were best friends and confided in each other about everything. We had the ‘perfect marriage’ – one that others envied.
Satan comes to destroy and devour. It happens quick, sudden and forceful.
I look at my wife and I am just amazed, that this person who 13 months ago swore that she loved me more than anything in the world. Now, she can hardly stand to be around me.
We’ve gone to counseling for 10 months now. There was a list of 12 things for me to work on and 2 for her. I’ve completed all 12 and then some. EVERYONE around us sees the change in me. My wife has done nothing. I waited. I prayed. I prayed more. I gave my entire life to God.
Sometimes God allows people to absolutely hurt us to separate us from those who have given in to the sins of the flesh.
It sucks – but I’ve made peace with it.
#759 by Diane Eight on August 25, 2013 - 5:52 am
So much of this rings true — but why do you say that you were supposed to have owned and protected her heart? This is codependence. Love her fully yes, and be fully trustworthy and loving, but do not assume that you are in charge of her heart (or anything else.) I want to say also that it’s good to examine our behaviors and take responsibility for our actions, but it sounds a bit as if you have a bit too much remorse for your divorce. All the right actions in some circumstances won’t give you the result you seek, especially if that result is “staying married” and “having a great marriage”. Sometimes the people we choose reveal themselves at some point as not being able to stay married or to make a good partner no matter what we do. Breathe deeply and move on.
#760 by Andrew on August 25, 2013 - 10:32 am
I believe when we are married, we make a vow of unconditional love, right? How is your love unconditional if it has conditions?
#761 by Diane Eight on August 26, 2013 - 12:08 pm
In my case, I was in what turned out to be an abusive relationship. My love was in fact unconditional (and I still care about the guy) but abuse is not an acceptable condition for a relationship. I’ve learned that most abusive relationships begin with lots of seduction and even worship of the other person — this is what draws us in and makes us blind to the red flags. I let my guard down emotionally, and gave my heart away in a way that almost killed me. I have since learned that my heart is mine. Otherwise how could I love you? 🙂
#762 by LeJoy Rothe on August 25, 2013 - 10:36 am
I believe you’re right about the codependency. What comes to mind, however, is that if both parties have done the best they can, then at least there is no looking back wondering if there was something else they might have done. Giving one’s all for the right reasons should never be regretted.
#763 by sripma on August 25, 2013 - 5:49 am
Reblogged this on Outpouring Trickle and commented:
Good relational advice for all
#764 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 5:08 am
When my husband and I were in marriage prep. 19 years ago a wise priest said, “Always remember – you WANT to love each other.” I think so often in a troubled marriage one, then the other, spouse begins to doubt that reality.
I’d like to see a woman’s “version” of this. They bring unique “failures” to relationships that need to be confronted.
#765 by Rama. on August 25, 2013 - 5:05 am
Thanks for the insight,
One thing I prefer is to be free out of love, instead of protecting the same.
#766 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 3:56 am
by divorced twice & widowed once…where have you been all my life? next to Jesus, this describes the ONLY MAN i would call a REAL MAN…however my faith in mankind is severed…do u really exist anymore? sorry to be so cynical…lived a little & care no more…broken
#767 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 2:23 am
Great story. I wish it was also in Spanish so my husband could read it. He would apperciate it too and he could pass some thoughts to his father and his brothers.
#768 by cyn on August 25, 2013 - 8:09 am
Copy and Paste the info and use Google Translate.
#769 by ChicKitty on August 25, 2013 - 1:34 am
So of course this was beautiful nd I’m sure for every ‘a man should do this for his woman’ a’ a women should do this for her man’ can be placed thts just common sense I’m going to try nd do this for my boyfriend and hopefully he will do the same bAck to me …
#770 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 1:30 am
I love you 🙂
#771 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 1:28 am
This advice is for both partners. both should work to a successful marriage life
#772 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 1:23 am
Very good advice and well said!!!! I lived it and I can relate to it!!!! Words of wisdom!!! Thank you for sharing and taking the time .
#773 by Marta on August 25, 2013 - 12:31 am
Thank you so much for writing this. It is beautiful. This is what fathers need to teach their sons. Your first rule-Never stop courting is one my Grandpa used to tell me. He and my Grandma were married for about 64 years and he adored her till the day she died.
#774 by BigMike7302 on August 25, 2013 - 12:29 am
My only issue with this piece is this; I agree about most of it BUT marraige is about giving and compromise on BOTH parts. If one works and the other does not, the marraige will fail , if neither works, the marraige will fail. I was married for 12 years and I admit I messed up alot but she did as well(( thought she never admitted it until after the divorce)) point is BOTH people need to grow and understand and work for the marraige to work. He made it sound as if the man has to do everything, which is not true BOTH people need to be in this partnership
#775 by WandaG on August 25, 2013 - 11:57 am
@bigMike: It sounds like that bc HE wrote it. But, it is intended for BOTH the husband and wife. I found some points I’d love for my husband to read and implement, but there’s others that I need to work on. 🙂
#776 by Jane K. on August 25, 2013 - 12:05 am
This post has some good points about respect/love/expectations, but the overall message was hurt by the poster’s attitude about men/women. Stop acting like men/women are from different planets. People are people. Everyone should treat everyone with respect. #12 was just disgusting, acting like men have to be totally dominant and women soft submissive creatures. “Carry her away in the power of your masculine presence” are you kidding me? Gross. Good sex is complicated, requires communication, balance, attention, etc. I’m not saying you can’t explore dominance/submission, whatever, but this “Me TARZAN STRONG MAN YOU JANE WEAK WOMAN” attitude to sex is disrespectful and gross. Don’t assume all men/women are the same and want the same things. Seeing a man who isn’t trying hard to meet some standard of masculinity is hot, seeing a guy who can explore his own gender is hot. Have good, hot, respectful, kinky sex, yes, whatever floats your boat, but allow people to be more than the stereotypes of their gender. That’s a real way to connect better with your spouse. Don’t assume “Oh, that must be a man thing, or a woman thing” just think of each other as people, talk it all out, etc. Women are not delicate flowers, they are strong, capable beings. Honesty, respect, and understanding are the best policies in a relationship, no matter the gender.
#777 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 7:27 am
The point the author was making was not that good sex is always powerful man and submissive woman. It was that our culture has confused us so much that some men have become afraid to ever take 100% of the initiative and completely sweep their lady away. Sometimes that is exactly what is needed, sometimes it is the opposite, and, mostly, it falls somewhere in-between.
#778 by WandaG on August 25, 2013 - 12:07 pm
And also……I believe that it’s not about “good or bad sex”. When you love someone, it’s about making love, not just the physical act of it. And sometimes you may give in more into the physical pleasure and like it ‘rough’ or ‘dominant’ or whatever you want to call it, but other times it’s the loving feeling that takes over and you may want to feel the tenderness and gentleness of your spouse’s touch. By no means does that make anyone “weak”!
#779 by amateurerudite on August 24, 2013 - 11:58 pm
Somebody’s been reading David Deida.
#780 by Mary Caldwell. on August 24, 2013 - 11:33 pm
Love this but this can also be said for women to do for their husband. It made so much sense and what a marriage if but parties did this. Love loss the hard way equal knowledge and wisdom. Thanks!!!!
#781 by Anonymous on August 24, 2013 - 10:33 pm
Thank you, sir.
#782 by helena brumpton -surgey on August 24, 2013 - 8:28 pm
Brilliant! My husband needs to see this, I’ve b ren telling him some of this, over the last two years, but betrayal is all he did! Dude, you’re the man! Respect for stepping up!
#783 by Lynn Crisci on August 24, 2013 - 7:50 pm
you said everything on that every woman wants to say… Perfectly!
#784 by Donna Gerber on August 24, 2013 - 6:37 pm
Would love to send this to my ex-husband. Maybe his second wife would benefit from it, but I doubt he would read it or understand what it says. When someone tells you that money is more important than working on your relationship, you know the marriage is over no matter how much you want to work at making it work.
#785 by jamieb2013 on August 24, 2013 - 5:52 pm
Really good advice, I am glad I found your blog! Cheers J
#786 by Charlie on August 24, 2013 - 5:13 pm
Maybe I should have wrote this article because I been married for 25 years and in still learning what to do and not to do…I just try my best to make her happy 😊
#787 by itsangelaalice on August 24, 2013 - 4:38 pm
Reblogged this on A day in the life of a millionaire in the making and commented:
Really great advice, for anyone in a relationship. Not just marriage!
#788 by ssr on August 25, 2013 - 8:49 pm
to bad most people man or woman want to and usually do the right thing after they been creeps.my divorce was best thing for me. made me see what i should have done a long time ago. marrige wont fix it all.i was too young for 1 thing.
#789 by Anonymous on August 24, 2013 - 4:33 pm
As a man, one who has been married and divorced, I’ve tried a bunch of different approaches in my dealings with women. I’ve maybe even lost myself a bit trying to be what someone wanted or expected rather than who I actually was. Item 2 speaks volumes. Women don’t want a pathetic feminized version of a man. They want a man. The rough edges are what make us men. Don’t try to file them down. Most of the great women I know like men that are a little rough around the edges. I’ve noticed too that every woman I’ve ever known, at least the ones I had any interest in, had a little thing for bad boys. Do they want a sensitive communicative man? Sure, but they also want a guy who’s going to please them sexually. The bottom line is you’ve got to be real. Not an asshole, not a jerk, but not a overly sensitive weeping meltdown machine either. Overall I think this is a great article and there are things here that will help almost any man in his relationship with his wife or significant other, but I almost suspect it was written by a woman too. Sack up guys and recognize that our masculinity is one of our biggest assets.
#790 by Firebird on August 24, 2013 - 10:45 pm
Thank you for that comment. It’s exactly true. Men, don’t be deluded into thinking that what a woman needs is a teddy bear. “Hold her and tell her it’s ok”? If I’m upset, something probably went badly wrong, and while I will put up with being held and reassured at first, it will annoy me very quickly. I don’t want doll treatment! (And I’m using first person to describe how I imagine the majority of women feel). I’m a mature human being, I don’t need to be soothed and petted. Sure, support is welcome, but it shouldn’t come in form of mellow, cuddly, romance-novelish, effeminate sweethearting. Especially if you think that the reason I was upset in the first place is something stereotypical, like a fight with my girlfriend over a dress; it seems to me that frequently men assume that our problems are figments of our shopping-obsessed female imaginations. That’s insulting.
As for your comment about “bad boys”, I wish it weren’t true, but it is. We’re not into assholes, obviously, but men who are independent and strong, who can make decisions on their own and who are not afraid to make a move, are attractive. Confidence is ALWAYS attractive.
However, I’m afraid to generalize and project the way I think onto all the women… I’m sure every woman has a different ideal partner.
#791 by Anonymous on August 26, 2013 - 8:47 pm
You get it and I suspect you’re a strong & self-confident woman who doesn’t need a simpering man, but rather one who gets you while still retaining the very essence of who and what he is. I’ll bet you’d be fun to hang out with and get to know.
#792 by J.K. R. on August 24, 2013 - 11:47 pm
Wow. Amazing how someone can be so wrong about so many things. In my experience women respond to men who aren’t afraid of embracing the feminine parts of themselves, and letting women embrace the masculine parts. Trust me, you don’t have to run to stereotypes to be happy, and I agree 100% about making sure that she is pleased sexually. You can find that sexual intensity and focus without performing the stereotype. Trying to meet some standard of masculinity only leads to people acting like entitled dicks.
#793 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 9:48 am
Yes, because trying to meet some standard of feminity works wonders…
#794 by Johanna on March 18, 2014 - 11:03 am
Amen! I love men who know who they are and own it. Nothing wrong with some rough edges; perfect is boring.
#795 by Purple Mystique on August 24, 2013 - 4:19 pm
Reblogged this on Purple Mystique and commented:
A fantastic blog by a gentleman with real experience. It’s a refreshing read and reassuring to know that love, respect, and hope haven’t entirely disappeared in this selfish world.
#796 by Tracy Rydzy, MSW, LSW on August 24, 2013 - 4:10 pm
Reblogged this on Oh What a Pain in the… and commented:
Wish I could have shared this with my soon to be ex…some people just don’t realize that marriage is work and is about loving in the good times as well as the ad…
#797 by Cindy Laursen on August 24, 2013 - 3:36 pm
There was one thing I kept looking for in this wonderful letter and didn’t find, what is the man to do if the wife becomes ill and cannot continue in a forward direction because she is disabled. The man is now in a position of “Care Giver”.I know in my mind what I believe the man is to do, but could so easily be wrong. The man resents the wife for no longer providing half of the income while he must continue to work even though his retirement age will come and go within 6 months. . Resents her for no longer cleaning the house, doing the shopping or helping take care of the many animals on their property in the country. Resents her for no longer having a sexual drive due to Diabetes. The wife is expected to prepare his lunches for work and a full meal before he leaves for 2nd shift. Full meals on his days off. And last…constant doctor and hospital bills. Our vows did include for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death due us part. Is the man expected to honor those vows until the wife dies? Or, since the wife cannot fulfill her part of the marriage, then the marriage should be dissolved? I know the wife daily looks for that love, looks for even something as small as to massage the wife’s shoulders that ache so badly, racked with pain but NEVER gets.
What is the answer?
#798 by Anonymous on August 24, 2013 - 6:21 pm
He is supposed to be there in sickness and health!! I was in an accident 12 years ago which completely messed up my spine and I ended up having seizures from the head injury. I’m in pain 24/7 even with meds for pain. I can’t drive anymore because of the seizures so not only does he deal with my back issues and surgeries, seizures, has to drive me everywhere he is now helping me take care of my dad who has dementia!! We just had our 29th anniversary. When I can’t cook because of pain or seizures he cooks. When I can’t pull the wet clothes out of the drier because they are so heavy he does it. When dad and I have doc appointments my husband drives. When I don’t feel like it he is ok with that. When he does all of that for me I end up loving him more which makes me feel like it. He doesn’t make me feel l am a burden. When he makes things easier for me I do my best to make things easier for him.
#799 by theunicornlady on August 24, 2013 - 7:33 pm
1) Has the wife filed for disability Income from Social Security? If she is considered disabled, can she qualify for a reduction in the real estate taxes? (Ohio yes). My husband’s disability also qualified for a wavier of premiums on his life insurance policy (not common but check).
2) Can the wife do some thing some to keep the house in order? See http://www.flylady.com Even if the wife can’t do the work, can she help in the planning.
3) Make a list of your concerns, cross out the ones you can do nothing about. And concentrate on what you can do! Again concentrate on what YOU can do.
4) Just because the wife doesn’t have a sexual drive, doesn’t mean you can’t take care of your man’s sexual needs. Treat it as an act of love.
“Should” has nothing to do with what will happen.
Give love to get love. Can you smile? Put a special treat in the lunch? Say a prayer for him and other people in your life.
#800 by Anonymous on August 24, 2013 - 3:25 pm
Not every man n woman r the same n it depends on circumstances n situations that everything u go through in life n after everything u have done has failed u move on because some u can never make happy or please . They always want n never give bk , they want u 2 change bt they wont as well as compatability factor n so on
#801 by Keri on August 24, 2013 - 3:23 pm
I think that this can go both ways. You need to bring out the best in each other. As well, before you take the jump pay attention to # 16. I don’t need fake I need real. The heart is an amazing thing it can love the good and the not so good. Divorce sucks but then again so does being unhappy. As a woman I can say it is not all on the husband to keep it going. As long as you are both open to each other that is all that should matter.
#802 by Tammy on August 24, 2013 - 2:57 pm
This was wonderful and words I’ve said to my partner many times. To hear a man say this is the best I’ve ever heard.
#803 by Anonymous on August 24, 2013 - 2:37 pm
Spoken very well! Let All men and women listen well to it!!
#804 by michaeleriksson on August 24, 2013 - 1:56 pm
As a matter of course, I sign-up for comment notifications whenever I leave a comment. Skimming through the many such notifications from this post, I note that there have been quite a few along the lines of “My husband needs to read this” or expressing a similar sentiment for future relationships—without making any mention of what the commenter intends to do for her husband…
This is one aspect of the entitlement issue and “deserve” that I discuss in my own comments. It is also antithetical to the main lesson to be drawn from the OP: If you want to improve your relationship, be the first to go the extra mile.
(There are plenty of other comments that rightly point out e.g. that similar advice applies to women too. Unfortunately, this does not alter the fact that there are many self-centered problem cases around.)
#805 by linegypsy on August 24, 2013 - 6:05 pm
So true, both the original article and this comment. It is not just the man’s job. It is a team effort and even when things are great, you should always be willing to go above and beyond for your partner.
My husband and I both had previous marriages that were about a decade in length and gave us each beautiful children. We came into these unions as children ourselves, basically. We were in our late teens/early twenties. We grew up in these relationships, and both us fought alone in them to keep our families together for sake of our children. In a way, I believe that this gave us an advantage in our own marriage. We knew what we wanted and how we wanted to be treated. We knew how badly words and actions can cut the heart, and also have the lack of such things could hurt even worse.
Some people may not agree with this, but we adhere to one basic philosophy in our marriage. We agreed to it before we decided to become serious. Our personal relationship comes before anything else. Someday, our children will grow up, be blessed with their own families, and leave us. We are together forever and have to be able to trust in our relationship more than anything, because if that foundation is not there, then everything else crumbles. It allows us to be better in everything we do because we know that are never alone.
Another of our most basic rules is that we don’t let anything from outside our home guide us, we trust in each other first. Meaning we don’t let other people’s problems/drama/judgement become ours. Of course, we are always there for family & friends in any & all capacity that we can be, but we do not allow it to consume us. Its kind of hard to explain, except that this family, he & I as a solid unit and our children as our blessings, are our number one priority.
The love part is always easy, but the relationship part takes work and dedication. My prayers to all who choose to fight for it.
#806 by Anonymous on August 24, 2013 - 1:41 pm
Interesting, but what if you did all of that and she still breaks up with you to go with someone who makes more money????????
#807 by Anonymous on August 24, 2013 - 2:01 pm
Then she’s not the woman for you.
#808 by Nola on August 24, 2013 - 1:29 pm
Thank you for opening your personal life experience and sharing honestly and heartfelt to help others better their lives and thus impacting more people around them.
#809 by Wayne on August 24, 2013 - 1:21 pm
If only! 38 years of marriage ruined. Great advice and going to apply to my new life. Tks
#810 by Jackie on August 24, 2013 - 1:16 pm
I wish we had this two years ago. We just ended 28.75 years of marriage. I miss my friend…..
#811 by Anonymous on August 24, 2013 - 8:00 pm
It’s never too late to try again.
#812 by Lotusblossom5 on August 29, 2013 - 1:16 am
Wow, I think your short post has the most profound expression of loss out of most of these posts. I truly am sorry for your loss of your marriage and of your friend. Hugs to you.
#813 by Cheryl Koboldt on August 24, 2013 - 1:07 pm
awesome stuff.
#814 by Catriena on August 24, 2013 - 12:45 pm
Reading through this I see a lot of the mistakes my ex husband made along the way, and we were together for 14yrs. However, just like it takes two to make a marriage work, it also takes two to make it go wrong. I made my fine share of mistakes and I hurt him more than once. So don’t put all the blame on yourself. I’m happily remarried, and has he read this? It’s like he lives by your guidelines, and my heart swells with the thought of him. I hope someday a woman feels that way about you, and continues to do so. You sound like a very good man.
#815 by Georganna on August 24, 2013 - 12:39 pm
Where is this man?I feel the same way after being in a marriage for 19 years. I would love to find that one person again.
#816 by Eve Foley on August 24, 2013 - 12:39 pm
Awesome! I love it…just happens to go with my latest blog. Nice to see there are men that learn too 🙂
#817 by Flora on August 24, 2013 - 12:35 pm
Everyone deserves this type of relationship, but lack of education or selfishness can prevent that from happening. I love the blog…and will never settle for less than a true relationship..a constant work in progress of making each others lives as fulfilled as possible. We are helpmates afterall and unite for the purpose of companionship; but somehow we tend to forget that and move on without each other.
#818 by Flora on August 24, 2013 - 12:26 pm
I am so ready for this type of relationship…I will NO way settle for anything less. Every Woman and Man deserves someone to be in love with and committed to. We each have it to give, but sometimes lack of knowledge, other times, selfishness prevents this from happening. But, no one should have to settle. Finding that someone who is well rounded enough to be in a relationship?? Hopeful!
#819 by Connie Graham on August 24, 2013 - 12:08 pm
Would love to meet a man who has learned these lessons and would care that much for me. 😊
#820 by Anonymous on August 24, 2013 - 12:33 pm
Agreed
#821 by joan woods on August 24, 2013 - 11:54 am
I have been married twice and i still believe in what this man writes about .I still to-day after many years alone want the same and the work is all i believe that will work .Here is hoping it will happen a dream i dream that will come to reality soon .
#822 by Adrian Wild on August 24, 2013 - 11:38 am
I am not sure if marriage is the answer for what we seek, at least the way we think it. There is much evidence that speaks to the contrary. I think that the objectification of technology and the Western lifestyle really calls to having a partner to be intimate and vulnerable with. But it also puts a lot of pressure on both to be the other’s everything. It is a lot to take on for any one person. Therefore the failings of marriage are not because of a lack of maturity and a propensity for narcissism. It is an institution that is only realized when “WE” are fully realized, meaning that, to be happy we have to be vulnerable to more than our spouse.
There is greatness in all of our relationships. People who have faced great events in life together find this to be true. People who helped their friend’s birth children, taken on great adventures, faced their fears together; celebrate the magnificents of life together, all feel this connection. So make friends and with passion face the unknown courageously…together. You then have extraordinary experiences with what you think are extraordinary people. This raises your game and view of life and yourself.
How much more of a person you are if you can bring this back to your life partner? So live a fully realized life and give you partner a break. You can be honest, loving, transparent and respectful with many people and still have a great partnership. In fact you will have a fantastic partnership because you will be living a fantastic life.
#823 by tata on August 24, 2013 - 11:23 am
I think this is great advice that both men and women should read and understand. At every corner one of the spouses would lack some form of commitment in their marriage.
#824 by Maria on August 24, 2013 - 11:17 am
Lovely article and I hope couples read it. however this article applies to men and women. Any relationship requires tending and mutual respect. Grow together and love/respect one another unconditionally. If you’re unhappy let to your spouse know. Perhaps if you work together and listen with your heart you can repair and grow more in love/respect. But you also need to learn to love yourself and take care of your own wellbeing. When you take care of your own happiness,love and respect yourself then you can truly love another.
#825 by Eat Pips Forex System Review & Bonus on August 24, 2013 - 10:52 am
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#826 by Jamie on August 24, 2013 - 9:50 am
I think this applies to both husband and wife. I am not married, but as I was reading this I was thinking about what I wanted from my husband, but also what my husband would want from me.
What I love about this article is the honesty, we get so caught up in the busyness of life we forget to take time and consideration for the ones we love. Thank you for this reflection.
#827 by Mary Coffey on August 24, 2013 - 9:14 am
Wow! The while world needs this. Amazing insight and wisdom!! Thank you!!!
#828 by Jason Leckie on August 24, 2013 - 8:55 am
Reblogged this on Jason's Blog and commented:
Could not agree more.
#829 by Bob Greenberg on August 24, 2013 - 8:15 am
It is amazing how hindsight is 20/20.
You obviously learned a lot in your loss. I know you will be better with V2. Or maybe you will rekindle. Whatever you do all the best to you and yours.
Everything you wrote describes the Golden Rule. If we all lived by it the world would be a better place.
#830 by Ellen on August 24, 2013 - 8:13 am
after being married for 20 years then divorced, I still love the idea if being married, sharing my life with someone, being committed to one person. I’m not even 40 and I have so much to still give. my X tried to be to strong, when he felt weak or needed to talk he found other outlets to go, that’s where to many women in our relationship came in to play. I just want to say, men please come to us be weak. women’s natural thing is to take care of, to fix and to feel needed. I never saw a weak, caring side, which in turn made me feel stupid for being weak, asking for help, asking to be loved.
#831 by Lisa on August 24, 2013 - 8:13 am
I’ve been married 25 years August 6. I married a man that I truly loved and shared everything with, he did not necessarily share everything with me. We built a business together that involved me taking care of our children while he worked long hours. i was fine with all of that, never questioned his time away from home. in the fall of 2006, he starts drinking, staying out all night, strip clubs, you name it. He still “slips” (great AA term) now and then and shows the ugly that truly ripped our marriage and family apart. I know I can never get back what he took, and that was trust. He would come home drunk and high and literally scare the crap out of all of us (we have three children). I know I will never trust again, and my heart is really broken. I need to divorce him but its much easier to say than do. It is inevitable however as we have nothing anymore because of the loss of trust. I feel our marriage wasnt a total waste as we have 3 great children, but man…..that is a lot of time together only to be realizing that the “golden years” you thought you would spend together will probably be sent alone. I am not dead, far from it, but this whole experience has really zapped the life out of me.
#832 by Lotusblossom5 on August 29, 2013 - 1:21 am
For your own health and sanity, leave. Think about the message your children are getting if you stay – that it is acceptable to be in a relationship like this. If you don’t want it for your children, you should do everything within your power to show them that it is also not acceptable for you, either
#833 by Fred on August 24, 2013 - 7:51 am
Sorry… did I just read somewone post
“Woman RESPECT your husband, and men LOVE your wives”
Really? I mean… REALLY?
#834 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 10:04 am
That might be coming from here:
http://loveandrespect.com/
Makes some salient points, I think.
#835 by J. Alejandro Amoros on August 24, 2013 - 6:52 am
This all good advice, but what are women supposed on their part of the deal? I’d like to see a divorced woman write something like this. But it will be probably something like, “Me?”
#836 by Martha Gurrrero on August 24, 2013 - 11:34 am
I have to say that I am not a divorced woman, but I am in a successful marriage. I have found these rules to be wonderful to apply not only as a man and husband, but also as a woman and a wife. I find that men may not think like women so I would only change one rule. Where a woman needs time to nuture herself and get back to being a woman as well as a wife and mother, a man must be shown that he is the man – the only man – in his families heart. A man must be reminded that the woman respects him and loves him and holds his support and protection dear.
I may not be divorce and I pray to never be, I think a woman should follow these same rules, with the one exception to make sure the her man loves and cherishes her the same. As a woman I choose my husband and for that I am lucky, but as a man he choose me and for that I am just as lucky, if not more so.
#837 by silverguardian on August 27, 2013 - 3:25 am
Women should do the same as men. I find it easier to think of marriage in terms of “what needs tweaking”. For instance: I used to get infuriated with my husband for washing his plates and cups and putting them away wet. When I’d grab one, they’d all be stuck together, and I’d blow up. Besides which, he’d put large dishes on small ones instead of having them arranged nicely. One day, mid-screech, it occurred to me that I really was glad that he always washed whatever he personally got dirty. So how could I stop being upset about “HOW” he did this?
I stood looking at the cupboard and realized that he and I didn’t actually use the same dishes. He liked the large dishes. I liked the luncheon plates. So I bought a wire rack, and put his large dishes on the bottom shelf and mine on the top rack.
The next day, I ran to see whether it had worked. Nope. There were his clean, wet dishes sitting on top of my small dishes. How frustrating. But hmm. He is taller than I. Maybe it’s natural for him to just put the dishes on top. I put my smaller dishes on the bottom shelf and his larger dinner plates on the top. And it worked!
I made myself wait for weeks, before I bragged to him about how I had at last figured out how to stop being so annoyed at him for putting the dishes all askew, as well as putting his wet dishes on my dry ones.
The next morning, I happily reached into our cupboard to get a dish and let out a scream of laughter. Not to be outdone … my husband had measured how much room I needed for my six luncheon plates, and had cut off the wire rack so I could not possibly get one more dish under the shelf. He then had brought down the EXTRA large dishes that were actually decorative pie plates, and had found room for them on top of the dinner plates for those dishes. From that point on, he used the huge pie plates for his own dinner plates.
He’d one-upped me, and I remain amused about it. It also was a great lesson for my grandchildren. One day, my teenaged granddaughter asked me to please tell her why my dishes were stacked in an upside down pyramid. It was her first lesson in how marriage REALLY works.
#838 by Josée on August 24, 2013 - 6:44 am
I wish my husband, who is in the process of becoming my ex husband, would have read this years ago.
#839 by Anonymous on August 24, 2013 - 1:32 am
Should be aware of this before taking on “marriage”
#840 by Kernut the Blond on August 24, 2013 - 12:32 am
*swoon* When you’re ready again, will you marry me?
#841 by Fred on August 23, 2013 - 11:49 pm
Nah… been there and done that. Those are the words of a person who is blaming themselves. Until he gets that out of his system he is going to be spending nights wondering “what if” when probably none of those things would have changed the outcome.
Unless he was a wife basher or a drunk, he was probably never given any indication that the relationship was on terribly rocky ground – and so wasn’t given the opportunity to “change” what he was doing “wrong”. And the only reason he was not given the opportunity to rectify his “terrible wrongdoings” would have been because his partner didn’t want him to. She would have given up on the relationship long before he found out (and therefore she probably had already moved on by the time she told him).
My advice to him? Stop beating yourself up – there was nothing you could have done. Relationships are an equal partnership. If the other one gives up, or loses interest, there is nothing you can do to change that. It is very likely not your fault – they have taken control and you have no say in it. The equality has gone.
And finally…. he has to try and not let this make him bitter and twisted about relationships 🙂
#842 by Celeste on August 24, 2013 - 11:02 am
I disagree. My husband and I have been married for 12 years, together for 18 years. In 2008 I did leave him. I came back to give him a 2nd chance and he did all of the things this man said, I mean to a T! He could have written it,I it sounds so much like him. He still struggles with #7, but he’s working on it and is doing much better. But when he changed for the better, he changed me as well. I wanted to be a better wife for him. Now, for the past few years it’s as if we’re in love all over again. Brand new….we’re happier than we’ve ever been…..
#843 by jrl on August 24, 2013 - 11:40 am
I think that this would be the result in most cases. It’s hard for us to not love people who we know genuinely love and are concerned for us. But in some cases, I have witnessed people “drop the ball” because of damaged places deep within, no matter how deeply they were loved by those in close proximity. Thank you for this post.
#844 by Joshua Cleghorn on August 23, 2013 - 11:24 pm
Like the Pastor said at me and helpmates wedding, it is never about finding the right person, it is about being the right person. There is going to be difficult times in marriage, trust me in the two years i have been married there has been very difficult times, but it wasn’t about finding someone who was compatible with me, it was finding someone who would never give up, and fight day-in-and-day-out for our marriage. We are BECOMING one-flesh, and that doesn’t happen over night, as much as i would love that, it won’t happen, and that is why work is needed. So be the right person for your spouse. This articles goes for both parties, not just the male, but also for the woman in the relationship. Woman RESPECT your husband, and men LOVE your wives. When one or both of these are missing the marriage WILL BE in shambles. It is not always easy for men to LOVE their wives, and woman to RESPECT their husbands, but it only takes one MATURE one to do it, and men it usually is the women. who do so.
#845 by johertelplexus on August 24, 2013 - 8:45 am
Like!
#846 by Loca Gringa on August 23, 2013 - 10:21 pm
Beautifully expressed. Thank you.
#847 by not in my world on August 23, 2013 - 10:19 pm
The only love I believe in is the love of a parent for a child. I’ve never known a long marriage that wasn’t the result of one partner giving up her/himself almost completely. I am the only married adult in 3 generations of my family; I am not among the fulfilled ones. But my almost grown children have always known they are loved, as I have always known my divorced parents loved me. That is the only true love.
#848 by Denise on August 23, 2013 - 9:53 pm
Will you marry me?
#849 by Donna Boyle on August 23, 2013 - 9:08 pm
Thank you for sharing this…I am presently separated from my husband of 22 years for many of the reasons listed here…BELIEVING FOR GOD TO WORK IN BOTH OF US…AND FOR A MIRACLE..
#850 by pepperspoint on August 23, 2013 - 9:00 pm
Reblogged this on PeppersPoint and commented:
Sound advice. Find what works for you
#851 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 8:54 pm
I think this article is subliminally targeted for women to read much, much more than men. Of course women would read and analyze every word to see what their husband COULD/SHOULD be doing..but may not be doing. Simply, it’s a list for women to take a dominant role and make it their own. Although I agree it was very touching and sweet, beware it doesn’t backfire if these tips aren’t gone about delicately or presented in a bitter manner. Really do these things because you mean it..not because an article told you to.
#852 by Anonymous on August 24, 2013 - 5:22 am
Thats funny, I read this thinking of all the things I could be doing for my husband, not what he should be doing for me
#853 by Val on August 23, 2013 - 8:28 pm
This makes me weep. I became a single mom when my abusive, mentally ill husband killed himself in front of me, rather than face the prospect of my taking the kids and leaving after years of abuse. All the years I stayed with him (18), I longed for him to understand what I needed from him, and I longed to give him what he needed, but couldn’t receive. He just couldn’t understand. I still believe that God has a plan for me, and when I read this, I pray that I will meet that man He has in store for me. I hope he’s read your advice.
#854 by reagleson on August 23, 2013 - 8:08 pm
This post brought tears to my eyes because it is beautifully written, and I wish my husband felt as you do. My best wishes to you. Robin
#855 by Telerik on August 23, 2013 - 8:05 pm
Cute as these recommendations might be – and they show he still loves her.
One has to wonder if his wife had any similar insights or desire to invest and change things.
The only person who deserves to be this important to you – is someone who is willing to give as much to you.
#856 by Anonymous on August 24, 2013 - 5:10 am
Absolutely agree with you. Marriage is a 2-way affair. Not just for the wellbeing of the one side! I am afraid the nice write-up is a bit suspect!!
#857 by Susan M. Brown {sbartist] on August 23, 2013 - 6:36 pm
Thank you for sharing this wisdom for everyone to benefit. I am one of the LUCKY and GRATEFUL women who found a husband as you describe and after 23 1/2 years… with WORK, and some days it needs work, a Marriage only gets better with age.
#858 by jen on August 23, 2013 - 11:03 pm
amen!
#859 by dressupdown on August 23, 2013 - 5:54 pm
This doesn’t just go for Men, Women should apply these tips as well 😉 Overall, amazing post!
#860 by Don Juan on August 23, 2013 - 5:34 pm
If women want a man like this then they need to be the woman this man would want and deserve. If all you do is talk about your needs, and treat your man like a tool to be used or a vending machine to provide you stuff he will “check out” of the relationship.
#861 by Realist on August 23, 2013 - 9:03 pm
I could not agree more
#862 by Jay on August 23, 2013 - 5:33 pm
I’ve always said… It’s not how you feel about the person you are with, but how you feel about yourself when you with that person.
#863 by Wendy McKee on August 23, 2013 - 8:56 pm
you said it right. Def goes both ways.
#864 by SM on August 23, 2013 - 5:32 pm
A few of these points are common sense but as a woman,i must say that many of these tips ate great if you’re a man married to a narcissist and you just don’t want to be alone.
#865 by SM on August 23, 2013 - 5:33 pm
*are. Not ate. Lol.
#866 by Janice grace on August 23, 2013 - 5:08 pm
Thank you for sharing. Your words are encouraging. I’ve been married 51 yrs and I totally agree with you and wish my husband would read this. Ty
#867 by EB on August 23, 2013 - 4:32 pm
I counsel folk on relationships regularly. You have put this so beautifully and poignantly. I will gladly pass it on to the men and the women as well. Thank you
#868 by Matthew Wayne Harmon on August 24, 2013 - 11:44 am
Very well written for a one way relationship! More to comment on , I will write it a little later
#869 by "Elcie" on August 26, 2013 - 10:31 am
I agree! What makes me angry about this post is that it puts all the “blame” and responsibility on the man. The woman needs to do the same!
#870 by Patricia on August 26, 2013 - 12:58 pm
right on. It’s a good reminder for everyone who is married.
#871 by fikayo on August 31, 2013 - 6:27 am
Yeah, it’s a two way street but he has written this from a man’s point of view. I am sure it wasn’t with the intention to post blames. Many including myself have followed suit and written from the other side of the coin.
http://spiceplaza.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/gerald-rogers-advice-after-a-divorce-a-feminine-response/
#872 by John's Provoking on August 31, 2013 - 8:53 am
agreed
#873 by Regine on August 23, 2013 - 3:27 pm
It’s not too late to do good by the next woman that s coming to your life and I hope every men that’s reading this take it As a lesson
#874 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 3:04 pm
We have been married 37 years…my husband needs to read and reread this….he doesn’t have a clue. I am just sorry that all of the things I have told him that needed addressed he chose not to listen.
#875 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 9:53 pm
I think all men need to read this and reread this
#876 by Anonymous on August 24, 2013 - 10:26 pm
It takes two to tango. The reason I don’t “court” my wife of 15 years is that I don’t really care anymore. I tried for years and finally just gave up. The truth is that now we stay together out of obligation, for the kids, and because it’s financially advantageous to do so. I’m not going to “take her sexually” when she’s going to lie there like a sack of potatoes, but feel like she’s done me a favor by agreeing to obligatory (and unsatisfying) sex. I’m not going to make efforts to spend time with her when she’s not interesting in spending time with me. I’ve spent a ton on baby sitters and child care over the years to take her out and all she can think about it getting home to the kids. I used to buy her clothes all the time but I got tired of her telling me to take them back without even trying it on. Meanwhile she wears the same bland, dowdy things all the time despite being very attractive physically. It’s amazing how cold a relationship can become.
Honestly, reading things like this make me wish I was married to someone worth fighting for. Sadly, I’m not.
#877 by Joe on August 23, 2013 - 2:50 pm
Hate to say it, but I did all those things. I was a good husband – even she still admits it. However, something inside her caused her to want to cheat. Again, she admits it was her decision, I did nothing to bring it on. Besides, I am of the opinion that nothing someone does justifies infidelity on the part of their spouse. I suppose if someone is going to be unfaithful, even after 17 years, there is nothing that can stop it.
#878 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 4:02 pm
Best quote on relationships that I’ve read in a while:
“Falling in love and being in love is awesome, but if we think a relationship is what will save us from loneliness, low self-esteem, and purposelessness, we’re just wrong. No matter how good, godly, and healthy a relationship may be, it cannot fully satisfy the deeper spiritual hungers within you.
To enter into any relationship with the expectation that it will be the key to a happy life is to place an idolatrous, unhealthy, and unrealistic expectation on it. This expectation will only suffocate any potential for the relationship to grow in a healthy way.
We must never ask or assume another person can provide what only God can. When we stop looking to a relationship to be the key that will unlock the potential of our lives, we open up space for healthy relationships to emerge into what they are meant to be.”
#879 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 8:14 pm
I agree…. Once a cheater always a cheater! My ex cheated on her ex then me! She is what she is…. Sad because I loved her dearly… More than I should’ve it appears. My heart will never fully love & trust another like I did her.
#880 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 11:53 am
If she was willing to cheat on her ex with you, why would you assume she wouldn’t cheat on you with someone else?
#881 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 8:25 pm
I know where you are coming from, I was with my wife for a little longer than you were with yours, treated her as good as a man could and she still cheated and finally told me that she knew that she had a husband that loved her, but she had to go and left.
#882 by Teresa on August 23, 2013 - 2:04 pm
Wonderful read! It’s nice to know that after 15 years of marriage we are doing right! My husband always puts me before anyone and anything. I need to reciprocate because I know it goes both ways.
#883 by versicolorcloset on August 23, 2013 - 2:02 pm
Reblogged this on VersiColor Closet and commented:
I find this worth sharing! “…Marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.”
#884 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 1:45 pm
… Yeah okay… a nice fuzzy list, like many other posts here say: this game works two ways. Perfectly accurate observation and perfectly accurate list but as one user mentioned, girls… He’s gotta WANT to do this stuff. And it goes without saying that he’s got to be enough of a man to make you want to do your part as well. I may be stating the obvious … But I am truly tired of the lists presented for men to improve and not so many lists that put the SHARED responsibility back on the female gender side. And this from a man that broke his back reading lists and doing his best to make it work for 19 years. In the end list like this were simply used as ammunition and validation for the opposing gender to wage war.
#885 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 3:07 pm
So true. I can’t agree anymore
#886 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 1:34 pm
I don’t know who this person is, but I want him!!!
#887 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 12:10 pm
I have a man just like this and i love him dearly
#888 by Ivy on August 23, 2013 - 1:56 pm
Gerald I believe we have met years ago and you have a master piece written I would love to hear from some couples who have made it through the very times that youwere talking about and we are now in our 47 years of marriage and are fully envolved in making plans for our 50 years and longing to celebration it will be an epic one I know…. Thanks for such transparence
#889 by jrl on August 23, 2013 - 2:18 pm
We suggest you click his name in the beginning of the article and write him a personal message. We are unsure of how often he checks the comments section on this block. Bless you.
#890 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 12:05 pm
Emyziemba@gmail.com
#891 by Swanny on August 23, 2013 - 11:46 am
Great observations. It’s hard to see that stuff when things go bad but all of those things are true. These things should be given out on the back of the marriage license.
#892 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 11:44 am
This is a man’s perspective. Why does everyone has to say that all of this goes for man? Duh, of course it does. Plenty of people write how a woman should treat her husband. This is a man’s perspective on how a husband should treat his wife. Just takevhis advice in it’s beauty or take it at face value.
#893 by markxneil on August 23, 2013 - 1:48 pm
“Plenty of people write how a woman should treat her husband.”
Really? Any examples? I only ever see articles about what women should expect from their husbands. Relationship advice has always flowed in one direction, the expectations of how men should treat women. Any suggestion of how a woman should treat, or be expected to do anything for, a man, is always met with accusations of misogyny, sexism, etc. And then, after all these expectation of how men should treat women, coming from both sides, we’re told it’s men who are the ones who are oppressive. That it is men who are granted all the privilege. We’re told women have no power.
#894 by Anonymous on August 25, 2013 - 12:03 pm
Apparently you aren’t in the habit of reading women’s magazines? Redbook, Ladies Home Journal, Cosmopolitan have articles like this all the time geared toward women.
#895 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 4:48 pm
“Plenty of people write how a woman should treat her husband.” Um, not since the 1950’s. Any current examples you’d like to share?
#896 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 10:26 pm
I agree with this poster..This is from a man’s perspective and I think it’s respectable that he would post what HE could have done to save his marriage rather than harping on what his wife should have done to save their marriage.
There are examples of women who write about how to treat your husband. The books A Gentle and Quiet Spirit, Sacred Influence, and Sacred Marriage come to mind. Definitely not from the 1950s.
I’ve read all those books and try to put them into practice in my marriage. I find nothing offensive or oppressive about respecting my husband, supporting him, and honoring him.
But if you’re looking for something in article form, these (and many more) popped up with a simple Google search:
http://www.currentinspiration.com/personal-development-2/5-qualities-of-a-good-wife/
http://www.sheknows.com/holidays-and-seasons/articles/812457/6-tips-for-becoming-a-better-wife
http://living.msn.com/life-inspired/10-steps-to-being-a-better-wife
http://anamikas.hubpages.com/hub/How-to-be-a-good-wife-to-your-husband-qualities
Personally, I found a lot of truth in this post, even from a husband’s perspective. Sure, I read things and thought “Yes, if my husband would do that, that would be wonderful.” But I also thought “Man, I need to do that more often.” It goes both ways. I think the people who are reading this and getting upset that it is worded in a way that targets men are missing the point. The whole thing this man is trying to illustrate is that it’s not all about you and what you want. It’s not about “Yeah, but what can my wife do for me??” It’s about meeting your partner’s needs, loving your partner, making your partner your main priority. Whether that is from a husband’s or a wife’s perspective, it remains the same. The author happens to be a man. So, he wrote it from a man’s perspective. He asked himself what HE could have done to better love and support his partner, and he wrote about it to help others avoid those mistakes.
#897 by Luke on August 23, 2013 - 11:27 am
Reblogged this on File din viata mea.
#898 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 11:26 am
#5 scares me. What if she becomes a serial killer, and you’re next on the list? Regardless of my dark humor, this is a great article. Wonderful insights Mr. Rogers.
#899 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 11:01 am
It goes both ways, these rules also apply to women. Men are taken for granted and left to try and figure out what the other person wants. In my second marriage, I do these things because she makes me WANT to do them, my first marriage I wasnt given any reason to care at all. Good men are everywhere ladies, you have to give them a reason to treat you like a queen, ask my wife!
#900 by Val on August 23, 2013 - 10:36 am
Everything he said about how a man should treat his wife also fits how a woman should treat her husband. We’re talking TWO souls here that require all the wonderful insights he has come to embrace. One person alone cannot hold a marriage together, no matter how hard he/she tries. It takes two.
#901 by mithriluna on August 23, 2013 - 10:28 am
This is beautiful but I think you should include a link to the original post by Mr. Rogers. His post has been reblogged dozens of times. http://geraldrogers.com/marriage-advice-i-wish-i-would-have-had/
#902 by Lydda on August 23, 2013 - 10:09 am
Wow! I am shocked to heard that from a man.
#903 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 9:31 am
This man is to good to be real. Are you sure this was written by a man? Where can I find such a man? Never have I met a man even half this wise or sensitive. Too good to be true.
#904 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 9:49 am
So true I thought the same thing
#905 by some guy on August 23, 2013 - 1:33 pm
all men are like this in the abstract,it’s what they want to be , it’s a fantasy
#906 by markxneil on August 23, 2013 - 1:52 pm
Ever consider that it is your attitudes towards men that is the problem? You are so sure men are so awful, you can only ever see their flaws. And what, exactly, do you offer to men to make you worthy of such a “too good to be real” example?
#907 by Jeff Stevens on August 23, 2013 - 2:14 pm
It should not surprise us that people do not achieve their aspirations. It is easy to say one wants to do something, but hard to achieve it in many cases. This should not surprise us.
I think most men would agree, if you put this in front of them, that they should be that. They probably knew they should be before reading it. Remembering to do it when you’re tired, bored, frustrated, broke, or dealing with 4 screaming kids is often much more difficult.
At least he knows what he SHOULD be. Let us hope he achieves it.
#908 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 5:44 pm
Hear hear!
#909 by Chukwura Ashimedua on August 23, 2013 - 9:22 am
Just lovely, really insightful
#910 by Rosemary- Motivating Other Moms on August 23, 2013 - 11:03 am
I have a man that thinks like this, writes like this, and does all of this. He treats me exactly like this man suggests men should do and I do the same for him! Yes it’s work, but it’s possible and it actually becomes easy. Most people are not willing to do the work or become vulnerable enough to do this Their egos get in the way. I am incredibly grateful to have a husband who meets all of these and wished more people could learn this. It’s not just the husband’s responsibility, but kudos for him for admitting the part he played in his failed marriage. That takes a lot of courage and that is the kind of stuff that makes a great marriage! I bet he will do great if he gets married again.
#911 by laurieanichols on August 23, 2013 - 9:11 am
This was so beautiful that it brought tears to my eyes. I think that this is one of the most moving love letter that I have ever read.
#912 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 8:10 am
If this included the Jesus aspect and His grace, this would be a great, great article.
#913 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 10:35 am
im glad he kept religion out of it. this can appeal to everyone. whether they bring jesus into their marriage or not
#914 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 1:19 pm
many marriages have included the Jesus aspect and His grace and failed.
#915 by Ellie on August 23, 2013 - 1:37 pm
I don’t think Jesus is essential for a good marriage. Also glad he kept religion out of it.
#916 by aliciabenton on August 23, 2013 - 7:55 am
Reblogged this on Imperfectly Perfect and commented:
This is the best marriage advice I’ve seen in a long time. Thank you for the advice, Gerald Rogers, and thank you for posting, Love Story from the Male Perspective.
#917 by margarethkamto on August 23, 2013 - 7:31 am
Reblogged this on maggiefrankly.
#918 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 7:25 am
I to have been Divorced and every thing he says is true but he left one thing out,you have NO control over what she does , because she is an individual just like you,first.And most women can be manipulated easily with a little bullshit, so be happy, with who you are and the rest will follow.
#919 by Ruby Naquin on August 23, 2013 - 7:19 am
Where were you 44 years ago. I sure could have used that advice.
#920 by Traci Mastroianni Currier on August 23, 2013 - 6:38 am
This sounds like a woman wrote it! This is excellent advice for all no matter the gender sad that you weren’t able to turn things around, but youou will make an excellent second husband, just like my husband!
#921 by Dating Disasters and Delights on August 23, 2013 - 5:38 am
Reblogged this on Dating DISASTERS and Delights and commented:
Both of my sons have now entered the dating world. As a mom, I worry about broken hearts, but, we a woman, i hope i can pass along, to them, the lessons outlined below:
#922 by Linda L. Ryczek on August 23, 2013 - 2:06 am
Wow! This mask has it perfectly right! But ladies, it is a two way street. Take this advice & adapt it to meet your man half way!! It works both ways!
#923 by Shonte B (@LyveWyre7) on August 23, 2013 - 1:58 am
Most of the advice in this blog was absolutely golden. However one part seemed deeply unrealistic. “…when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were,”–really? As a woman, I think this would be semi-ideal I suppose, but it seems so unrealistic, so untrue. Since when in human history have human beings been able to co-exist without being triggered and affected by one another? It’s natural to be frustrated by someone who is doing something that is frustrating. It’s natural to become angry by someone who is doing something that’s angering. Again, it would be IDEAL if we had such perfect emotional self-control that we wouldn’t be frustrated or angered, but is that really a fair expectation for a man to have of himself? As a woman, I have NO INTENTION of embracing something like that. If, no WHEN my husband does something that angers me, I let it show. Because if you don’t, men don’t get the picture. That said, I don’t give full vent to my anger, but I don’t try to put a happy face on it either. If it’s the 400th time I’ve asked you not to interrupt me while I’m speaking, then I might raise my voice and tell you, “I’M TALKING.” I don’t think everything necessarily “stems back into our childhood.” Sometimes people do things and it is practical and natural to let them know when they have crossed a line.
#924 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 1:57 am
A little bit of reading but very interesting and true!
#925 by ALAO Garuba on August 23, 2013 - 1:15 am
I enjoyed the story and I shall be committed to the rules of the game. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.
#926 by Just sayin on August 23, 2013 - 12:34 am
Learn how to say ‘I’m sorry”. Just be quiet, listen and apologize.
#927 by Anonymous on August 22, 2013 - 11:52 pm
I wish I would have had the chance to read this about 2 years ago and share it with my husband instead we are just starting our divorce. I wish there was a way that he could read this with an open mind and heart with his eyes wide open, but it would be a waste of paper. 17 years together and 15 yrs of marriage and 6 kids together of 7 makes this the most painful thing I have ever gone thru ever. Thanks for reminding me that the next one will be someone that will do these things or at least out forth an effort to do so. May peace be with you and you find inner happiness to spread to others as well.
#928 by MediaMaven on August 22, 2013 - 11:08 pm
VERY valuable lessons & insight here for men, no doubt!
BUT, I’d also like to see something similar to this shared by a woman for WOMEN!
Both husbands & wives need to follow advice like this for a marriage to be successful!
#929 by Brittany Nicole Woodall on August 22, 2013 - 10:47 pm
James do you feel that this also applies to the woman as well? While reading this I think this would be great if my husband did this while at the same time it made me realize that I don’t do the same for him… we’ve been together for almost 9 years married 5 our daughter turns 3 next week and we seem to just constantly be at each others throats so I really love what you have written and I see that as the wife I should also do this. So I just wonder if you as the writter think that it works both ways. Thanks for this I love it and will probably share it on Facebook if that’s alright!
#930 by jrl on August 22, 2013 - 11:11 pm
Hi Brittany,
Gerald Rogers, the writer of the article, truly has written a beautiful piece. I was always taught, as many people have mentioned in their comments, that both spouses are to pursue loving each other whole-heartedly. However that looks since each of us are different. If you seek out how your husband wishes to be loved, I’m sure you’ll find answers. Just as he will find answers if he does the same.
I wish you and your marriage all the best.
#931 by nancy on August 22, 2013 - 10:07 pm
We have been married 37years a life of up and downs.now we can’t imagine life without each other nor do we ever want to.we can laugh about the past now no so before.but talking to each other not at each other is great.the things you said are good too.we have to live for each other not other people.in the end it is between us only .that is what matters not someone else opinon.
#932 by Lola Crowder on August 22, 2013 - 10:01 pm
I loved this
#933 by Amy on August 22, 2013 - 9:25 pm
I’m going out on a limb here because I was in a private conversation with the author about the post and he gave me an opportunity to respond to a young lady who contacted him about it. She responded that it gave her some peace, so I felt maybe my message to her might speak to others. I know not everyone believes in God, but my own personal experience has shown me He is the source that gives power to transform any relationship into a larger ‘sum’ than the ‘parts’ alone.
Gerald’s post is full of helpful insights…my intention is to simply add another facet from my own perspective and experience. I don’t know if you believe in God (there was a time when I didn’t) or what you believe about God, but I have learned that if my first and most important relationship is with my Heavenly Father, then ALL my other relationships are blessed. Not because it changes others necessarily, but because He changes and fills me.
I believe both men and women have been created in the image of God and by observing the very best in our natures we can learn some important characteristics about Him:
One of the deepest desires of women is to be loved, sought after and known. I believe this is a good thing. Though sometimes it might even seem wonderful to be ‘worshipped’ by a man, this is not our place because we cannot provide all God can provide. We can be in partnership with Him though, but men need what God provides them FIRST before they can offer their strength in a lasting manner.
Like us, God wants to be loved, sought after and known, so He can give us what He has to offer…which leads us to worship Him; how can we not when we come to know and receive of Him? When we come to know Him, His love fills our hearts for our spouses, children and others. Though not all choose to turn to Him, TRUE LOVE that lasts only comes THROUGH HIM.
I believe God made men in His image, with a desire to fight for us and with us. For our hearts, for our protection and for our families. I believe the image of God in women is hearts that are deep, wide and vast, created this way so only He can fill them. When we look to men to fill our hearts, we will be left wanting more; but when we look to God first, He will fill it to overflowing and increase our capacity to receive whatever goodness men have to offer.
This is where I believe trust comes in. I once read the thought “Love cannot flourish where there is no trust”. Just reading the comments around Gerald’s post and in conversations with women I know and love, I hear an ache for men we can trust in. I believe there are many good men in the world and Gerald’s post speaks to that. What woman does not want to trust a man who truly turns to God to seek strength and courage, to overcome his faults, to learn what it takes to come through for us and fulfill his unique purpose? We can attract and encourage these men in our lives, as we do the same, by turning to God.
I know mankind has a history of abuse against woman and sometimes we allow the abuse. I believe this happens because when we forget who we are as children of God, we fight against Life and the givers of it. We see this in many forms… from self abuse to war. As women, when we turn to God and trust our hearts to Him, He shows us the way out of this cycle and we can then show others.
I know God is your Father and yearns for a relationship with you as His daughter. He can raise up friends and show you how to overcome your heartache. He can fill your heart like NO ONE ELSE can. When we receive His love we can be at peace…with or without others.
Regarding marriage and commitment, I’ve found this quote below to be a reminder of what it’s all about. Yes we desire the love and romance, the friendship…all of it; but it’s the PROMISE that allows for those things to be present and grow. Marriage is ‘holy and sacred’ just as you wrote and I believe, with God, it has the power to make US holy and blessed too.
“I didn’t marry you because you were perfect. I didn’t even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t a house that protected them; and it wasn’t (just) our love that protected them–it was that promise.” -Thornton Wilder
#934 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 1:26 am
Love this.
#935 by kelley on August 22, 2013 - 9:19 pm
Love is kind, love is patience. Took 17 years and I was not giving up on my man. Marriage is a blessing,cherish it. Have to be a team 🙂
#936 by Anonymous on August 22, 2013 - 8:47 pm
Everyone is saying that marriage is a two way street. Not disputing that, but if you read the very beginning, he is saying that this is HIS PERSPECTIVE on things that he wished HE had done differently. He is not trying to point fingers, he looked inside himself and being truthful with himself he is stating this is what he would like to have done differently. Now with him being male…that is why it is a male perspective. I think if everyone looked at themselves, they could see all the things that they can do to improve their relationships. What does not work is the finger-pointing, because when you point fingers, remember there are three fingers pointing right back at you. Most finger pointers blame the other and refuse to look at what they could have done better. I would have to say that the advice given is for both men and women, but kudos to him for looking within instead of pointing fingers….and I hope you find another love that will be worthy of your love….
#937 by Sheila on August 22, 2013 - 8:40 pm
I appreciate your vulnerability & honesty profoundly. As we all know this is our job, as men, boyfriends, husbands, women, girlfriends, wives… we constantly need to be reminded. We get so caught up in our egos & victimize religiously. You have a beautiful clear perspective on how to treat a woman… I hope you find the woman who will appreciate this growth (that you earned through pain), and that she too will do & acknowledge the work that most be done in order for a couple to remain joyfull, sensual, playful for as long as nature wants them too. Namaste dear friend, namaste. Shei.
#938 by TracyLee on August 22, 2013 - 8:07 pm
I sent this article to my husband. He said he feels like a jerk because he only does 3 of these things. The truth is that over the years we’ve both forgotten how to do these things for each other. Onward to a happier future with this article as a road map for us both to follow.
#939 by R on August 22, 2013 - 7:50 pm
All very true. Do it before you lose everything. By the time my lessons were learned my wife wanted nothing to do with me. Some people never forget or forgive they walk away forever and move on, but I’m still here missing her everyday and so wishing I did something right when I had the chance. People that say it takes two are so wrong. You NEVER give up. Do what you can. Don’t focus on what your spouse isn’t. We divorced one year ago. I know she does not love me but I chose her and still do. I pray for every opportunity to be there and help her. There isn’t time to fight anymore. She is so loved and missed . My worst regret ever and especially bad for those little ones. It sucks so bad. Wonder how some people carry on so easily.
#940 by Ismail on August 23, 2013 - 7:57 am
Hello R
Your comment touched me deeply. I’m officially divorced for a few weeks now, tho the process has been happening for about 3 months. Neither of us are angry at each other, we still talk and see each other every day due to our 3 beautiful children. Unfortunately, I did something stupid that I’ll forever regret. I broke her trust. So now we’re divorced. I still love her and miss her so much. I hope that one day I can regain her trust, and that she’ll give me the chance to prove that I still love her deeply… Amen
#941 by R on August 23, 2013 - 10:28 pm
People make mistakes. Real love is a decision that you make. Since our divorce my wife has dated. My devotion to her has never ceased. I make her my number one priority. I answer every call and text because nobody will love her the way I do. I will not say one bad thing to her. I will be there always for my family. I don’t date. I could easily find another person and live as a family, but her and those girls are my home and family. I may die of a broken heart but I’ll never let them go. If that means nothing to her then I did what was right. Put yourself and your needs last. Know what God says about love. It isn’t selfish. It is sacrifice. A good person eventually will recognize and appreciate this. Do good service for your wife in God’s name because you won’t feel that disappointment when it seems your efforts don’t matter at all to her. In the end we will be held to account for the things we do in this life. A wife that won’t forgive will be met by a God that won’t forgive. A husband that turns his back on his wife will be met by a God that will turn away from him. In my life I made one promise to God and that was to love my wife and choose her. I want to keep that promise.
#942 by Janice Passman on August 22, 2013 - 7:40 pm
Mr. Rogers are you married ?
#943 by jo3lind on August 22, 2013 - 7:20 pm
Reblogged this on jo3lind's Blog.
#944 by Reneontheisland on August 22, 2013 - 7:04 pm
Beautifully written. Divorce lawyers would practically go out of business if men (and women!) followed this advice. The best part for me?? I will celebrate in September 17 years of marriage to a man that hits 95% of this! Reading this makes my heart swell with pride and love for him. The crazy thing is it’s just who he is and how he is. He didn’t have parents who were good role models, he just somehow gets it. And he has taught it to me over the years, very patiently, I might add! I hope the author finds love fulfilling the 2nd time around.
#945 by Anonymous on August 22, 2013 - 6:54 pm
it still takes 2 to tango..
#946 by Sheila on August 22, 2013 - 8:42 pm
Indeed… but focus on your dance moves.
#947 by Tyler on August 22, 2013 - 6:35 pm
After reading these comments, I completely agree with the OP. All the comments about, “I did everything I could,” “It goes both ways,” etc. really don’t apply to the poster, or this article, at a fundamental level. While relationships are a two-way street, I firmly believe that the only thing YOU can change, or do anything about, is YOURSELF. He even highlights that in the article. So if you do everything in this article and your marriage still fails then it’s not about placing blame. Its about accepting that you both failed to realize that it wasn’t right from the start. All the people saying, and I quote from an actual response, “I think it is time to leave behind the fallacy that failure of a marriage falls more often upon the man than the woman,” missed the whole point of this article. Sounds like the people with any response similar to this spent way to much time focusing on, and pointing the finger, “at the other person.” The article takes a more personal stance on relationship advice. The stance of, “what can I do to make the most of this relationship.” In fact, the advice in this article doesn’t just apply to marriage, it applies to life. This is a general outlook I think anyone and everyone who can read would benefit from. Thanks, OP. I think we all know this, but it’s good to be reminded on a real level. The best advice is ‘relevant advice’. You sir are a modern-day philosopher. Thanks for the insight!
#948 by Anonymous on August 22, 2013 - 10:49 pm
Really loved your comment. Completely agree.
#949 by Patricia on August 26, 2013 - 1:08 pm
So agree with you. As a woman I thought, “hey, this guy gets it” but at the same time, I realized that I could be better too– doing the same thing back at ya to my husband. It is a matter of the heart– you are either willing to sacrifice your pride and not keep score, or not. Some people would rather start over every 10 years and end up in the same place, blaming the other person. I’d rather give it my best and believe that he will respond.
#950 by Bev Bass on August 22, 2013 - 6:31 pm
Wonderful, excellent, awesome, very well written and expressed to the intermost coreof a woman. This article caused me to want to either read and or watch you past work. You left fingerprints all over my heart! My prayer for you is that one day, you will be given another opportunity to express to some blessed woman what you’ve learned by your mistakes and is willing to not only talk the talk …but walk the walk. After ALL …ACTIONS speaks louder than any beautiful words on a piece of paper! Remain blessed and humble!
#951 by Nicholas de Burgo on August 22, 2013 - 6:17 pm
Marriage is hard work. I have been married for 46 years and never a day was hard work. You do not stay in a marriage due to hard work. You stay in a marriage because you love one another. That means one another and not a one sided love. You both have to be in love with one another or you do not have a marriage but are just living in the same house.
#952 by Brook on August 22, 2013 - 4:48 pm
Breathtaking and absolutely amazing lessons!!:)
#953 by Blackheart on August 22, 2013 - 8:34 pm
If anyone came here for “lessons” on how to treat another human being in a marriage, they shouldn’t be married.
#954 by Anonymous on August 22, 2013 - 4:20 pm
I can say after almost the same amount of time being married as this guy that this all sounds good but it’s mostly not true. Every marriage is different and there is no working formula. It’s hard work and it takes two to work at it and love each other. Over 50% of all marriages end in divorce and even more than that in church. The truth is marriage is never certain. I love my ex, we have forgiven each other, we love our kids, and we want each other to be happy. Trying to follow formulas can help but becoming a slave to them can still end in divorce. I know first hand. Love, forgiveness, and happiness are all ways to live in any situation. 🙂
Of course formulas sell books and we have no lack in books with all the answers.
#955 by b on August 22, 2013 - 4:14 pm
Very good article. As a woman, these are the things I wish my partner would realize. But it needs to go both ways, because there are good husbands out there and they too get taken for granted. So I believe that the efforts to make a marriage work need to be done by both the husband and wife because as they say, it takes two to tango.
#956 by Bree on August 22, 2013 - 3:46 pm
I am in love with this-so beautifully written and poignant. Thank you…
#957 by jomel77 on August 22, 2013 - 3:43 pm
A great list of things that need to be done, but how? How do you “always see the best in her” if you can’t stand being in the same room? These type of “lessons” that we should do, are the same things we NATURALLY do when love is new and our relationship is free of resentment. Instead of trying to force ourselves to be a certain way, focus on removing resentment through effective conflict resolution. Then this list becomes more of a barometer of relationship health, instead of a to-do list. I wrote a book coming out this fall CURIOSITY KILLED THE SPAT that explains all this and more.
#958 by Patricia on August 26, 2013 - 1:09 pm
“Fake it until you make it.” You married her for a reason– try to go back there. Gird your loins– it will take time.
#959 by Anonymous on August 22, 2013 - 3:41 pm
While I agree fully, I do have a problem. This article seems to put the onus completely on the man. Each and every point here can and should apply to BOTH parties in the marriage. It does no good at all if only the husband attempts to follow this advice. I think it is time to leave behind the fallacy that failure of a marriage falls more often upon the man than the woman. Both parties are in the marriage, so both need to accept that responsibility fully.
#960 by Anonymous on August 22, 2013 - 4:25 pm
Exactly what I thought too. I am on the precipice of divorce and believe me I have done everything I can to win back my wife. She has no interest in participating in the marriage. Marriage is great when it’s great… but it’s also wise to know when one is over.
#961 by Margaret Austin on August 22, 2013 - 9:42 pm
As a woman looking at this and having been there, I think this advice is meant for both parties to take note of the area(s) they are lacking in and change or improve their behavior and response to their spouse. i don’t see it as dumping responsibility. It was written by a man and he gave the advice that he wish he had taken. Read nothing more into it.
#962 by Emily J. Nighswander on August 23, 2013 - 12:15 pm
He states clearly at the beginning that the article is about what he learned in his experience, so of course it is form the male perspective, and not giving “both party” advice.
#963 by Kim on August 22, 2013 - 3:38 pm
Cool
#964 by finallysnapped on August 22, 2013 - 2:54 pm
Reblogged this on With a Smile and a Wink and commented:
Such beautiful, and practical, advice! We must however remember that a marriage is a partnership – both have to give as much as they expect.
#965 by finallysnapped on August 22, 2013 - 2:43 pm
Truly beautiful advice! Can I re-blog this, please?
#966 by jrl on August 22, 2013 - 2:47 pm
Of course
#967 by excepgrl on August 22, 2013 - 2:15 pm
Reblogged this on The Life of Excepgrl and commented:
The other side…
#968 by philqmusic on August 22, 2013 - 2:03 pm
Really like this. Having been through a divorce and re-entered the dating world, I have found that a lot of people are really jaded about the possibility of real love existing, and I have made the conscious decision that healing from the past does not mean dwelling on it or wallowing in it’s errors or sadness. What is important now is the present moment and the future. I resolved that I wouldn’t let the pain of the ended relationship destroy or even minimize my potential to find happiness and love in the future. I fully believe that we are designed for happiness and fulfillment and that the experiences that we’ve had in the past are just stepping stones and building blocks to an even more amazing and brighter future. It doesn’t mean that you don’t grieve the loss, but it does mean that it’s possible to have hope for the future. I would agree with one of the early comments that regardless of if a man does all these things, that a relationship is a partnership and it has to be worked at together. Both have to give and invest equally or bitterness and division are inevitable. Great post!
#969 by zacharytthomas on August 22, 2013 - 1:21 pm
Reblogged this on MemphisAvenue and commented:
Challenging & encouraging. Well spoken. Take 4 or 5 minutes to read it when you have a chance.
#970 by Anonymous on August 22, 2013 - 12:19 pm
this made me break… im signing papers soon (trying to hold it off) and i just want to know, is there a way to get back a woman, thats left long ago? or am i just chasing the wind….
#971 by kerrys on August 22, 2013 - 1:05 pm
Pray for God’s will to be done. Pray for His help. Fight for her! Do not give up until it is obvious it’s REALLY over. If there is another man in her life, that makes it harder but you are her husband. You can remind her of her vows, ask for forgiveness for what you did that was wrong and show and tell her how you intend to do your part in making the marriage work. A hand written, detailed letter pouring your heart out to her. Do all that you can so that if it does end, you know you did everything to save the marriage. “It ain’t over til’ it’s over!
#972 by Richard Haven on August 22, 2013 - 6:48 pm
No, it’s over when your partner starts comparison-shopping. They have stopped being part of a committed marriage. You can wait to see if they choose you again (or if they cannot find or get someone preferable), but you have to accept that you are not in a committed marriage anymore.
#973 by J on August 23, 2013 - 1:50 am
It’s never too late to try, write a heart-felt letter, fight for her, tell her why things are different, but most importantly, tell her to let your actions show it, and then, truly let your actions speak for you.
#974 by Anonymous on August 22, 2013 - 12:05 pm
Very interesting. I agree to all what you said, but I think you forgot to include that the woman also has her part… I’ve behaved almost as you described but in the end I figured out I gave everything and she was so selfish I couldn’t do anything but leave. A relationships is a work of 2, and you can be an epic lover, but it’s not worth to try to be an epic martyr when you feel no response or correspondence from that woman you depict…
#975 by Antoinette on August 22, 2013 - 12:03 pm
This is beautiful. I read it and put myself in my fiance’s place. I have learned many things from our relationship. I have learned to love him regardless of what he is going through and regardless of what he has done. I have also learned to give him another chance when he makes mistakes. I think very one needs to read this posting and think about their relationships and also work on them.
#976 by successfulblackman on August 22, 2013 - 11:45 am
Wow, this is well said. I wish you the best and thanks for sharing!
#977 by alisia on August 22, 2013 - 11:36 am
I just like this…..
#978 by Emile Soulier on August 22, 2013 - 11:08 am
This advice is the best I have seen, ever. I have been working on our happy marriage for 40 years. I would love permission to print this.
#979 by Richard Karr on August 22, 2013 - 10:54 am
my wife and i have been married 4o years this sunday ,,first time i met her was at her uncles place at a poker game in witch she proceeded to take my money and my heart..she is my soul mate and i truly believe love grows…… every couple has ups and downs and sometimes another see.s this and wishes they had that i love my wife and allways will as the vows said till death do us part…Marie if you see this you’ll know who its from …….
#980 by Babylove on August 22, 2013 - 9:26 am
I am married for 6 years at most, last year was the worst years in my life … My husband found out that I “had” a relationship with some friend of mine, not so serious actually. Don’t judge me yet. I know that it was wrong, but for almost past 5 years in our marriage I was a battered wife. I tried to understand and accept my fate indeed. Tried to understand. He was not always there to listen. He was most of the time detached and I don’t know why. I thought maybe there was someone. But I’m a afraid to know. We are almost at the verge of divorce / annulment of our marriage. We separated for like 6-7months I think . We lived our separate ways…
Just this summer, we talked tried to settle things for the kids … But we didn’t plan of rekindling our marriage. But because God made a way, we tried to put the things behind us. He forgave me, thus forgiving him as well. We settled our differences and changed ourselves for the better. We tried to be more open… And we are much happier now… It is much sweeter this time. He is much sweeter and I feel how muh he loved me and our family …
This blog reminds us of our duties as husbands and wife… This blogs are for those women as well who are forgetting what we need for us to make our marriage work …
#981 by Mad Casey on August 22, 2013 - 8:17 am
from a personal point of view and experience, I agree with everything the author writes, so beautiful and true ❤
#982 by sueramli74 on August 22, 2013 - 4:19 am
with difference feeling and character its hard to say…everyone should play their part to make both parties happy and trying to accept each other’s
#983 by Richa Kurniawan on August 21, 2013 - 10:55 pm
But.. I really couldnt understand who my husband is.. eventhough we have been married for more than 9years. I just feel like living with the stranger… Hopefully he read it.
#984 by Joseph Buggs on August 22, 2013 - 1:49 am
Takes two to make a relationship work. I recently was on a brink on getting a divorce. We seperated for a week to two, but we were still living under the same roof. And found out that she has been seeing one of my close friend behind my back yet right infront of me for the past few months. I felt betrayed yet I couldn’t blame her. We drifted cause of my excessive drinking and she started appearing suspicious and never opened up to me. And I, being frustrated turned to alcohol.
When I found out that she was indeed having an affair, I knew that I’ve done her more wrong than what she’s done to me. I’ve let our families down by not cherishing what we had and took everything for granted.
It has only been a day since I tried to convince her to work our marriage out.
Talk to your husband, someone has to try to spark the marriage up again. 🙂 hopes it works out for you
#985 by jo3lind on August 22, 2013 - 7:04 pm
Thanks Josh… as a wife i really couldnt stand with hubby’s habits. drinking, gambling.. go home late everyday. He has no job. im building a new house now. not even a single cent come frm his pocket. everything me. may u have some advices how to kick his bad habit?
#986 by Laura on August 22, 2013 - 2:01 pm
Richa,
I love this blog and believe all of it with the forgotten exception that we as wives have our duties too. I’m sad to hear you say he’s like a stranger. Maybe you should try to turn the tv off and put cell phones away and kids with the Gparents and get away for the weekend or have the house for the weekend and go out to dinner or make a special dinner. Pull out old pictures, play old songs. Rekindle things by triggering the memory. The good ones that is. Please stay strong and love love. I have been with my husband for 18years and have to say the most important part of our marriage or really if you think about it in ANY relationship, the key is COMMINICATION. Just talk. Good luck with it all and have faith.
#987 by jo3lind on August 22, 2013 - 6:49 pm
Thanks Laura… I ll try my best for my kid’s sake. God Bless u n ur family
#988 by lisa on August 21, 2013 - 10:50 pm
Soo true,goodluck 😉
#989 by Dawn on August 21, 2013 - 10:32 pm
I’ve never been married and had several bad relationships in my life. I’m a single mom of a fantastic son. Thanks for reminding me the road to happiness is paved with lessons learned, hearts that mend and become stronger and better, and best of all-be your mates biggest cheerleader and support system through good and bad.
#990 by Anonymous on August 21, 2013 - 10:03 pm
Tried all of those things . Still didnt work.
#991 by MohawkRN on August 22, 2013 - 8:16 am
It’s not about trying those things. It’s about weaving them into the fabric of your everyday life and a part of yourself. On both parties. Not just the dude. Love is an action, not a feeling. One must decide to love and follow thru w/ it. The initial butterflies in your stomach feeling is just one phase of every relationship. There has to be a foundation and decision to love the other person, and show the other person with your actions, despite what the other person does. Like he said, love is work
#992 by Kristin P. on August 21, 2013 - 5:41 pm
I feel this applies 100% to women, as well. It reminds me how to be a better wife and see the best in my husband, rather than nit pick the trivial. Thanks for the honest, thoughtful post.
#993 by Melam on August 22, 2013 - 12:42 pm
This means even more coming from a woman’s mouth. Thank you : )
#994 by kae on August 21, 2013 - 5:04 pm
ilove this: there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife.. sigh.. relationship atrophy.. that keeps on happening with my relationship..
#995 by Gach - Blubber To Runner on August 21, 2013 - 4:31 pm
Thank you for writing this… as a man who is getting married (for the second time) in November, I truly thought I was going to have to learn how to be happy without sharing it with someone… I didn’t think it was possible to truly fall in love again after the issues I dealt with in my first marriage. I’m so glad I was wrong, and our relationship is a prime example of everything you touched on.
#996 by Soft on August 21, 2013 - 4:12 pm
Oh my God! This is exactly what I wanted from my husband n he deprived me from all of these for last six years. He has not got even a single quality which has been mentioned here. I wish I could find a man who has learnt these golden rules of a happy marriage life!
#997 by zelda moyer on August 21, 2013 - 4:03 pm
nolw that you are starting a new chapter in your life, women are not the enemy. don’t look at all women as one night stands or sexual encounters. think more of women and open your again to love a woman. this is from a divorced woman’s prospective
#998 by DWill on August 21, 2013 - 3:45 pm
Have you shared this with your now ex-wife?
#999 by jrl on August 21, 2013 - 3:49 pm
We like this comment best. You’re the first to say it, out of over 300 comments (we had to delete many because they were vicious).
#1000 by DWill on August 21, 2013 - 3:56 pm
I was EXTREMELY curious because this would be ultimate closure for her and possibly open strong and friendly lines of communication, especially if kids are involved.
#1001 by Juliana on August 22, 2013 - 11:09 pm
I’m also dying to know! What an amazing heartfelt thing to hear after going through something like that…
#1002 by Anonymous on August 21, 2013 - 2:21 pm
Yaaaah
#1003 by Cathy Wright on August 21, 2013 - 1:38 pm
All easier said, than done.
#1004 by C.E.K. Nelson on August 21, 2013 - 12:44 pm
Wow, wonderful write! Strange that I randomly saw this post as I just posted a poem title, The Other Women, about divorce. I am sorry for you and your x, but I am sure that you will find love again!
#1005 by Anonymous on August 21, 2013 - 11:56 am
i went thru the pain… most of the points highlighted r what my ex-bf did to me. i will not accept him again if he has ever ‘wake up’ or learned those points higlighted
#1006 by Carol on August 21, 2013 - 11:31 am
Right he is. If a man treats you like this it makes a woman want to give him everything back double
#1007 by Wendy on August 22, 2013 - 10:00 am
I agree
#1008 by Anonymous on August 22, 2013 - 11:53 am
I agree also, I would still be married if my X hadn’t decided to sleep with someone else and then serve me papers out of the blue so he could move her in. My marriage was everything until he pushed me out in the street for a trashy women.
#1009 by Anonymous on August 21, 2013 - 11:28 am
I agree with some of this but not all. Its not all just about the man doing things for a woman.. Love is a 2 way street and in order to make it work u both have to give ur 110% and then some. Im sorry for ur pain however it sometimes just happens ppl just find it easier to quit and give up. A marriage can be alot of work for someone that wants to give up but it can also be easy if both ppl are happy, listen to each other, protect each other, be with each other and most importantly remember why u love each other. I have been together with my husband now for 15 yrs and married for almost 10 and i love him to the moon and back plus more. Yes he drives me crazy in more ways then one however its learning how to problem solve as a team that make its all worth while!!
#1010 by ayah on August 21, 2013 - 11:22 am
hi. i am currently working on my short blogs regarding my relationship for my daily review, its pretty simple and not as awesome as yours but, i got inspired by your posts, you’re amazing! i started my blogs just yesterday, and i am hoping that we can work out bout this stuffs soon. 🙂 i am really hoping that you can give a drop by to check how my blog was going, that’s only if you can. 😀 good day sir! thanks 🙂 reach me at my blog site, here: and via facebook. 🙂 thanks alot!
http://ayayeyiyoyu.simplesite.com/
#1011 by jrl on August 21, 2013 - 11:55 am
Dear Ayah, my best advice is to simply write and post (give original authors credit) what you’re passionate about. And love the journey. Write and share because you love it.
#1012 by Victoria Ruiz on August 21, 2013 - 9:14 am
Hi Gerald:
Í´ve been maried twice and belive me……this is not only men´s job…. we have a duty to share with our husbans and we forget it.
You learned this by the dificult way -as you say- but there is not other way to learn what is realy important…..
People pass trough our lifes to let us learn and to learn from us…. the time they stay is not writen. Some times they say just for a few… some times they stay more time that we realy need them together…. the point is to learn and to share……..
#1013 by Anonymous on August 21, 2013 - 2:00 pm
Dont think hes saying that this is only a mans job, but this is about wut u can control, a husband can only control what he does, i dont think hes saying that the woman should sit around doing nothing to contribute, but regardless this is what he wishes he focused on, if the marriage still doesnt work then at least you know u put in the effort u needed to
#1014 by marisol on August 21, 2013 - 7:50 am
I have that husband! That’s my brag 😀
#1015 by Dave on August 21, 2013 - 7:43 am
Kinda interesting…
#1016 by Herson on August 21, 2013 - 7:36 am
I won’t be able to do this for now because Im too childish in my act. Hopefully I can find myself someday and meet someone who I can spend the rest of my life with.
#1017 by Anonymous on August 21, 2013 - 7:23 am
If only you would have known these things…
#1018 by Anonymous on August 21, 2013 - 6:14 am
Some women need to read this also it would be nice if it was all that easy
#1019 by michaeleriksson on August 21, 2013 - 4:30 am
Your advice is probably pragmatically sound. However, the claim
“Your woman deserves that from [you?].”
does not sit well with me. The “deserve”-mentality is far too spread today, among humans in general and women in particular (and women concerning their relationships even more particularly). This mentality, however, is destructive, inproductive, and (often) unfair against others.
If we want something outside of basic rights and common decency, we should stop talking about “deserving” it—and actually earn it.
(Which is not in anyway to rule out that we are giving towards others for OTHER reasons than that they quasi-magically “deserve” something, e.g. out of love, pity, friendship, …)
#1020 by Anonymous on August 22, 2013 - 9:21 am
Michael, I think that is his point and I believe it is right. Your woman … as your wife … does deserve that from you. To think otherwise, makes it condidtional and that is asking for failure. Just as a child shouldn’t have to earn a parent’s love, neither should a spouse.
#1021 by Josh on August 22, 2013 - 9:23 am
No, as your spouse she does deserve that. If you don’t believe so, she shouldn’t be your spouse.
#1022 by michaeleriksson on August 23, 2013 - 10:42 am
@anonymous and Josh
Firstly, reasoning by “deserve” leads down the drain.
Secondly, it is entirely unreasonable classify the above as something deserved (as duties, or similar) merely based on marriage—or I would be highly interested in seeing your reasoning.
From my POV, a marriage comes with some degree of obligation (something increasingly forgotten, it seems). However, this obligation is on the level of “best effort” with natural reservations for reciprocation and deservingness and what is reasonably attainable.
In contrast, what is described above goes into a territory that I would consider superhuman and which is simply unreasonable to expect of some else (or oneself!). For example: Sitting out a loveless marriage “till death us depart” to fulfill the formal obligation is far less demanding (and far less constructive, but that is the beside the current point). A good comparison is a considerable amount of exercise: Yes, going running everyday
is far healthier than being a couch-potato—but how many actually manage to do so day after day, year in and year out? Some fail during the first week, those extraordinarily dedicated might manage a few years—those who go beyond that might end up in the paper as curiosities. To require that a randomly picked individual should do better is simply not realistic.
As for reciprocation: If this “deserve” came about unearned merely by marriage, it would imply that a woman (or vice versa man) who is egoistical, ruthless, hateful, manipulative, battering, lazy, wastes his money on own pleasures, whatnot, without being willing to give her husband the time of day would also “deserve” the above treatment. Utterly unreasonable—and likely to just cement the existing behaviour.
I also note that one of the problems targetted by the OP is complacency and taking each other for granted—and that is the other side of the “deserves” coin. As soon as we grant someone a “deserve”, we also
give the other party the right and opportunity to take us for granted and to be complacent. The more common case (in my impressions from relationship forums and similar sources) is that someone claims the “deserve” for herself or is granted it by a third-party of e.g. other commenters-friends—and that is an outright disaster. (In as far as the problem occurs among men, and I am sure it does, it is far rarer on forums than for women.)
Now: The main point of the OP’s post is probably that if a marriage is not running as it should, it can often still be saved if one of the parties takes the initiative to give more than (in this case) he receives. This is sound advice and can reasonably (with reservations for circumstances of the individual case) be seen as part of “best effort” above. Going from there to “deserves”, however, is a very long step.
#1023 by Andrew on August 25, 2013 - 11:07 am
@Michael
If you really think about it, does any one of us deserve anything? In one way or another, we have all wronged our spouse and they us. I would absolutely agree with you that what is talked about is “superhuman.” If we go on about what we deserve, then we are setting ourselves up for failure. However, this is not talking about what we deserve, but what our wives deserve(or husbands). When you marry someone you are making a life-long covenant with them. We are not to just sit out a loveless marriage. The point is to love your spouse, regardless(unconditional love) which is a choice. More often than not, I would say that if one were to go above and beyond, to put his/her spouse needs, wants, emotions before their own, that one would see changes in his/her spouse and that spouse would respond accordingly. Love is a sacrifice, and we must “sacrifice” ourselves for our wives or husbands. If you take a look inside and fix what’s wrong with you, your spouse will eventually see that and they will flourish. How can one truly love unconditionally unless they have first known unconditional love? This is where that “superhuman” ability comes into play. I know you are probably already rolling your eyes, but it is God who made marriage, who hates divorce, and who loves us unconditionally. If we have not received that love then we will never be able to give it. Take it for what its worth, but I have never loved my wife more than I do this day. Humanly speaking does she deserve it, no. But as my wife, and God’s daughter does she deserve it, absolutely yes, and I do not regret anything I’ve ever given up for her sake.
#1024 by michaeleriksson on August 25, 2013 - 5:13 pm
“If you really think about it, does any one of us deserve anything? In one way or another, we have all wronged our spouse and they us.”
We are all human and it is not reasonable to make, e.g., love conditional on unfallibility. My point is (in particular in my second comment) rather: What obligations resp. rights do we have just by dint of being married? (As opposed to what arises out of e.g. mutual love, the one SO having taken care of the other when sick, …; resp. what can “de-arise” through egoism and disregard for the other party.) See also my previous comments regarding the limitations of obligation, “best effort”, etc. I stress, however, that I consider the common current marriage attitude of “This is not as good as I expected. I want a divorce!” to be despicable and not compatible with the limitations I see.
“The point is to love your spouse, regardless(unconditional love) which is a choice.”
Love is only a choice to a limited degree: It is far easier to control what we do than what we feel. (Where I use “love” in the conventional sense. The “love thy neighbour” sense is occasionally seen as based more on
action than feeling.) We can decide to be kind and caring, even when the love has gone out, and we can hope that the love will someday be there again, but just deciding to love is a very different matter.
“I know you are probably already rolling your eyes, ”
By no means …
“but it is God who made marriage,”
… but we do work with different premises, which could conceivably make it hard for us to agree in detail. Still, it could be worth noting that unconditional and unwavering love, no matter what sins someone commits, is typically seen as something that only God (and/or Jesus) is capable of, while humans are supposed to just give it their best.
#1025 by Peachie Urquiola on August 21, 2013 - 1:37 am
I never married because I expected too much from a mate, As I read your blog I realized I wasn’t really asking for too much. But maybe I wasn’t prepared to give as much too. Marriage is a lot of work but the rewards are tremendous. Thanks for posting.
#1026 by sueramli74 on August 20, 2013 - 11:42 pm
thats true what is written ….am married for 17 yrs n its will be over by end of this year after separated for 3 yrs.I just need a man to be part of me n my soul..he will be my husband..my bestfriend..my soulmate..n everything.If he is not with me better leave me
#1027 by frans prinsloo on August 20, 2013 - 11:17 pm
Wow
#1028 by girlinterruptedtoo on August 20, 2013 - 11:03 pm
Reblogged this on girlinterruptedtoo.
#1029 by Hasan khawar on August 20, 2013 - 9:46 pm
nice very nice
#1030 by Jay Laird on August 20, 2013 - 9:28 pm
Thank you
#1031 by Anonymous on August 20, 2013 - 5:50 pm
“If there is someone you know and taking them all for granted. You may loose them someday someone takes them away and they do’nt hear the words you want to say. I would give anything I owe give up my life my heart my soul. Just to have you back again, just to touch you once again…..”. Bread.
#1032 by thepeningpengantin on August 20, 2013 - 5:19 pm
Reblogged this on thepeningpengantin and commented:
A beautiful & meaningful read.
#1033 by DCTdesigns on August 20, 2013 - 5:01 pm
One of the wisest men and one of the best husbands I know told me once that “love at its very best is fragile. It needs to be treated as such, with tender loving care”.
#1034 by jrl on August 20, 2013 - 7:31 pm
Kudos
#1035 by theafterwomen on August 20, 2013 - 3:19 pm
Reblogged this on The After Women and commented:
Great advice to bring into a new relationship. Every man and woman should read this…
#1036 by Donna on August 20, 2013 - 2:33 pm
Reblogged this on HALCYON SOUL CENTER and commented:
Some wise advice not only about relationships but also about self. It all comes down to LOVE…
#1037 by GoodGuySwag on August 20, 2013 - 2:19 pm
This is so good! I have a site called http://www.goodguyswag.com. Can I repost this on my site
#1038 by jrl on August 20, 2013 - 2:56 pm
Of course you can.
#1039 by PS on August 20, 2013 - 1:41 pm
Just sent this to my husband. I hope he reads this and takes it to heart.
#1040 by Chris Van Der Spuy on August 21, 2013 - 3:06 am
I hope you accept full responsibility for your share (60%).
PS His share is also 60%
#1041 by Anonymous on August 20, 2013 - 1:23 pm
Well said
#1042 by Chris Van Der Spuy on August 21, 2013 - 3:05 am
I hope you accept full responsibility for your share (60%).
PS His share is also 60%
#1043 by yukichan51 on August 20, 2013 - 1:12 pm
Reblogged this on YukiToet.
#1044 by bxbg745 on August 20, 2013 - 1:09 pm
Reblogged this on Guess what happens next… and commented:
This is powerful advice by Gerald Rogers.
#1045 by Londa on August 20, 2013 - 12:49 pm
Great
#1046 by Kathy Steinemann on August 20, 2013 - 12:31 pm
Excellent post. Women can learn a lot from it, too.
#1047 by Rosanna on August 20, 2013 - 11:52 am
WOW! that is one fantastic blog James! So many great insights and heartfelt words. I’ve also been through a divorce and I have to say that what some of what you shared also applies to women. I wish I could of appreciated my ex husband more, instead of focusing on the negative all the time. thank you for sharing your pain so you can help others. A-mazing!
#1048 by Anonymous on August 20, 2013 - 11:47 am
Incredibly awesome. Thank you.
#1049 by Anonymous on August 20, 2013 - 10:50 am
Nice one… Thanks. God bless you.
#1050 by Anonymous on August 20, 2013 - 11:50 am
gosh … never gonna send this link to my gf 😛 hahaha i am evil i know 😛
#1051 by Mario on August 20, 2013 - 10:13 am
I understand the pain of a just final divorce, and the rush of promises u want to make from this forced sense of clarity. I was divorced after 15 yr marriage, and was single for 11 following years. Additional insight will come along the way. Chiefly, that it takes 2 !! And all that is said above does also indeex apply to the wife : fight for your mate, early, often, with zeal.
#1052 by Anonymous on August 20, 2013 - 8:58 am
I think what ever he said is great! Deep thoughts and i can see he really searched deep and hard. Only a man who loves his women can speak such profound words! I only have one question……so WTF happened!
#1053 by foliobylisa on August 20, 2013 - 8:42 am
Reblogged this on foliobylisa and commented:
Written beautifully..so beautiful that I teared up. Ladies, read it too.
#1054 by Andi on August 20, 2013 - 8:36 am
Reblogged this on The Andi Diaries.
#1055 by Anonymous on August 20, 2013 - 7:03 am
it takes two to tango as they say….
#1056 by Anonymous on August 20, 2013 - 5:55 am
Wow. Great words for both sides!
#1057 by zzxzy on August 20, 2013 - 4:01 am
after reading this, I sent an SMS to my girlfriend saying how much I love her. we’ve been together for 5 years now. I can relate to this man, and I want to say thank you for reminding me how much I love her. you’re a good example of a bad example before. hahaha.
#1058 by Shasha Hashim on August 20, 2013 - 3:18 am
Reblogged this on Wedding Bello and commented:
something couples should have it as a guide into marriage life. 🙂
#1059 by shaherashaila on August 20, 2013 - 2:45 am
Reblogged this on the bride side and commented:
this! reminder for myself and the future husband.
#1060 by ellewhyann on August 20, 2013 - 1:15 am
Reblogged this on e l l e . w h y . a n n and commented:
Since schools do not teach us how to love, we can only learn through our past experiences and of course, through other’s mistakes.
#1061 by wan on August 20, 2013 - 1:12 am
this reminds me of the song by Bruno Mars – When I Was Your Man
the thing is, we always appreciate something or someone when it’s gone. the pain fact is we never learned any lesson.
good luck to everyone! (and me too!)
#1062 by xyam on August 20, 2013 - 12:40 am
Reblogged this on Scribbles and commented:
Wish every husband and husband-to-be get to read this!
#1063 by albechong on August 20, 2013 - 12:01 am
Reblogged this on Simple Life.
#1064 by defreili on August 19, 2013 - 10:32 pm
I think this is unfairly asking a lot out of men. To take full responsibility of their relationship while the woman is “just allowed to be” many men do not act this way because that is not who they are. Many men are not this. Many women do not want men to be who and what they are. Many men love their wives but constantly having to choose the same person over and over again. Especially if a woman is not inclined to take responsibility for her own actions and emotions is tiring. It is emotionally draining and many a man can attest to changing their behaviour after losing the one they love because they follow a romantic script and are not allowed to be themselves because they are busy trying to accommodate the ever increasing needs and most of the time desires.
If you want a relationship to work it requires both people to make a commitment and keep the other in mind and to sacrifice for one another to push the whole of their family upward. Too much of the focus on relationships is on what the man should do and what the woman should look like instead of asking the one question with complete honest. Do you love the other person? Sadly I don’t think many people enter relationships for this reason. Both enter relationships not to be lonely. Men enter relationships for sexual conquests and women enter relationships for financial reasons and status symbols.
#1065 by rodd on August 20, 2013 - 11:51 am
Amen to that!
#1066 by Anonymous on August 20, 2013 - 12:13 pm
True. I’m done.
#1067 by BT on August 20, 2013 - 2:24 pm
I agree that it is unfairly asking a lot from men when a relationship should be equal. The writer gives the impression that women have an entitlement to be treated like a queen but I don’t believe it is fair to have that kind of mentality. If a women wants to be treated like a queen then she should treat her man as a king(this would be the ideal situation because both people are giving their relationship their all – 100/100) but at the very least a relationship has to be 50/50.
“Especially if a woman is not inclined to take responsibility for her own actions and emotions is tiring.”
This is so true. Relating this to my own relationship, it is extremely stressful when my s.o. does not take responsibility for her own wrongs. You have to understand that, being in a relationship, people make mistakes and that not one person is right and the other is wrong. Both people have different viewpoints but sooner or later, one person is going to have to submit to the other person’s view. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean one person is right and one is wrong. Since ideals aren’t easily changed, one has to make a sacrifice but the thing is these number of sacrifices has to be equal. So when it comes to arguments/opposing viewpoints, the woman has to learn to blame herself for the problem as well, rather than have the man take the burden of always being wrong.
I strongly agree with the writer’s first point. NEVER stop courting your lover. Don’t get lazy and don’t take your lover for granted.
Sadly, I am guilty as the way I am treating my s.o. is straying away from the point I so strongly agree with
#1068 by tex on August 20, 2013 - 2:37 pm
I couldn’t agree more. my ex wife of 14. months left me after she got her first job after college said she never had loved me didn’t want kids and finalized the divorce in 3 months for no substance other than that she never loved me….this is after us moving out to a city where we didn’t know anyone to start our lives together, three days from moving into our first home. she left unexpectedly after she got her first paycheck literally.
#1069 by Anonymous on August 19, 2013 - 10:30 pm
this is awesome and so true, never stop loving just because you have them there.
#1070 by Sarah on August 19, 2013 - 9:52 pm
Love this! But is it just me or is there no share button for facebook, I only see a like button!
#1071 by jrl on August 19, 2013 - 9:55 pm
Hi Sarah, copy/pasting the link in the address bar, unfortunately, is the only option in sharing. Thank you for your kind comments!
#1072 by Frank Marshman on August 19, 2013 - 9:31 pm
After 33 years of marriage to my beautiful bride, (yes, that is what I call her both to her face and to everyone else), I have NEVER missed a day that I did not tell her, “I love you”, before she could say it to me. There has never been a day I haven’t told her, “You’ve got great tits” or “Damn, you’re beautiful”. There has never been a day that I have not awakened to wonder why she hasn’t kicked my sorry ass out of the house.
Marriage is about a partnership of growing together to make one entity. It is about raising children who look at you and want to be like the both of you. It is about wanting to grow old and wrinkled together so you can both laugh at the absurdity and fun of it all. It is one hell of a lot of fun when done right.
#1073 by mitx on August 19, 2013 - 9:21 pm
Nice and true…
#1074 by Divorced Woman on August 19, 2013 - 9:06 pm
As nice as this is, it puts all the onus for the relationship on the man. The woman bears equal responsibility for any relationship. I’m divorced and believe my ex-husband and I share equal responsibility in the outcome. It has irrevocably changed me – I believe for the better
#1075 by candice.danielle on August 20, 2013 - 12:58 am
This is written from his perspective as a male. Thus he’s focusing on things that he could have done as a husband. I’m sure he realizes it takes two to tango and that his former wife shares some kind of responsibility.
#1076 by John Wheeler (Johanan Rakkav) on August 19, 2013 - 8:51 pm
Reblogged this on The Chronicles of Johanan Rakkav and commented:
🙂
#1077 by Trebor Fairwell on August 19, 2013 - 6:59 pm
I got married this summer, so the strength of my marriage is fresh and vibrant. I’m always looking for ways to ensure that my love for my wife grows each day. This article was truly beautiful and one I will save for future reflection throughout the course of my life. Thank you for these insights.
#1078 by Paul Heintzelman on August 19, 2013 - 6:13 pm
Been married for 4 years and can’t say I fully agree with all these points. I get the impression the writer is a bit of a misogynist. I think equality is a very important part of a healthy relationship, some of the advice here verges on worship. The worshiper/idol relationship is not exactly equal. Even if both partners worship each other it is not equal because neither member is treating the other as their equal. I think this sort of relationship pattern quickly becomes stifling, making it difficult for partners to grow together or as individuals. While obsessing over the idea of someone, one often losses site of the person they love.
It is important for both members of a relationship to balance their own desires and goals with their partners.
That being said there is nothing wrong with being romantic. There is a large gap between being sweet and being a worshiper.
#1079 by Sana Khan on August 20, 2013 - 9:03 am
i agree
#1080 by Anonymous on August 20, 2013 - 10:16 am
A man is a guidance in a family and protector.
#1081 by thyworkingactor on August 19, 2013 - 3:17 pm
Inspirational. Thank you for sharing this.
#1082 by Mark on August 20, 2013 - 1:36 am
If you believe in the “50/50” marriage, then you are correct.
But if you had lived 32 years of marriage, have seen some friend’s marriages die, – and others flourish like weeds in the garden, then you would find you are dead wrong.
Marriage is not a 50/50 deal, for as soon as one person falls 1% short, you have love leaking out the seams. The target is 100/100. It is not worship, it is love, and it is service.
If you had ever seen a “100/100” marriage under construction, then we would not be reading each others words.
It is also the blueprint you want to set in place for your sons and your daughters, for your close friends, for your workmates, for your siblings, and for all the rest of the cloud of witnesses.
We all fail, but the higher we aim, the more we aspire to become the 100% lover, the more we will gain, our wife (or husband) will gain, and those around us will gain.
#1083 by Mark on August 20, 2013 - 1:38 am
oops, so sorry,put that against #9 instead of #8 by mistake….maybe the mods can move/correct it.
#1084 by Anonymous on August 20, 2013 - 11:50 am
Very well said… Ty
#1085 by Paul Heintzelman on August 21, 2013 - 1:52 pm
If 100% of your actions are what your partner wants then you have lost yourself. The hope is in a relationship both members love each other for who they are. If you give up yourself for your partner, you are destroying what they love about you. If what someone loves about you is that you worship them than the sad truth is you are completely replaceable.
50/50 involves understanding and listening to your partner and helping them understand you. Making decisions together that take into account both members views. Both partners being willing to sacrifice their own needs for their partner while maintaining an equal say.
#1086 by cindy on August 19, 2013 - 2:33 pm
Omg so true. I was married 34. Years. N it ended.
Do these things everyday
#1087 by Anonymous on August 19, 2013 - 1:52 pm
My husband and I have been going through some very difficult times. This really hit home for me because it accurately described what I cannot seem to communicate in a way that he will understand. I’ve forwarded this to him, in hope that your words make sense for him. Thank you thank you thank you for writing this. The next woman in your life will be one lucky lady.
#1088 by Anonymous on August 23, 2013 - 2:54 am
If my wife forwarded me this, I would find it offensive. This article essentially is asking the husbands to worship their wives. For some of us that would be quite difficult and undesirable.
#1089 by Lotusblossom5 on August 29, 2013 - 1:38 am
I intend to send it to my husband, but with the explanation that I think these are excellent goals for BOTH of us to improve our marriage.
#1090 by Anonymous on August 19, 2013 - 12:24 pm
I absolutely love this post. It brought a lot of emotion flooding back to me as I’ve been separated for 2 years now. Dave Novak’s comment to this post also hit home for me – that is true empathy.
I’d like to make a some general comments to some of the responses I’ve seen on here. This post is written from the writer’s own experiences. He is writing from his perspective. He is unabashedly putting his own thoughts out there, his mistakes – showing how he wished he had been in his past relationship, how he wants to be in the future. Of course, for a marriage to work, it takes both parties, both sides to be working, putting effort into themselves, into each other, into their life together, their goals, their children (if they have any), their dreams – if there is anyone who thinks that a marriage could work without either person working at it, I don’t think they know what a marriage really is, or even what a relationship is for that matter. I believe that some of the problems start when we begin pointing fingers – “I refuse to do this, to work on this, because she/he won’t do it first.” “She/he needs to read this too.”, “She/he needs to change” etc. Possibly the writer left it out because that’s not what his point was – he is writing from his experiences, not another’s. He is not pointing fingers or judging: really, it’s coming from a man who was married to a woman and contains advice that he is giving to himself. “…here’s the advice I wish I would have had.” – Gerald Rogers
Being a woman, this post is not necessarily directed at me, being written from a man’s point of view, but I agree with the advice for myself; I can take it for myself and use it in my own relationships, and I think a lot of women would and could. Being who I am, if a man were to take this advice and behave this way with me, I would respond in such a way that he would believe I had read it too; I would reciprocate those actions and those feelings. It made my knees weak reading this post; I truly want this in a relationship, in a man, in a partner… There are people out there who are selfish or harmful or don’t get it, (and I think all of us can be selfish from time to time), and in no way am I saying that following this advice would change your wife/husband/girlfriend/ boyfriend/whomever to become the lover and partner or person that you want them to be, and I don’t think following this advice guarantees that your marriage or relationship will last forever; I don’t believe that is what is being said here. However, I think there is a part in us all that wants to actually feel important to those we love, feel like a king or queen in their eyes – feel trusted, desired, loved unconditionally, understood, protected and safe, cheered for, comforted, respected and forgiven. What is love if it doesn’t include those things?
#1091 by iresmae on August 19, 2013 - 11:21 am
who is the original author of this? I saw/read this post by another person named David Mikus and actually reblogged it http://iresmae.blogspot.com/2013/08/worth-to-be-shared.html
#1092 by jrl on August 19, 2013 - 11:30 am
We are ran into the same issue. The original author is indeed Gerald Rogers.
#1093 by iresmae on August 19, 2013 - 11:39 am
oh really? I need to edit my blog then.. where could I find the original post? Do you know? thanks a lot! 🙂
#1094 by jrl on August 19, 2013 - 12:20 pm
Here’s his page. https://www.facebook.com/geraldrrogers?directed_target_id=0
The blog was copy/pasted to us by one of his associates without including the site from which it originated.
#1095 by iresmae on August 21, 2013 - 6:52 am
thank you jrl! 🙂 i just corrected my blog.. i hope others know how to put credits to the original writer and not just share it and looks like it is their own. 🙂 and also thanks to this site. 🙂
#1096 by Anonymous on August 19, 2013 - 1:31 pm
Right on, whom ever commented on this story. I share your your opinions of the author of this, and yours. What a wonderful testimony of this man to take the time to share his pain and experience, that others might stop and think, and actually benefit. Well said! WELL WORTH TO BE SHARED!!
#1097 by iresmae on August 21, 2013 - 6:45 am
Indeed. I will be correcting my blog to give credit to the right owner. 🙂
#1098 by leonita eleanor s. jimenez on August 19, 2013 - 11:11 am
Very realistic and inspiring. Easy to understand and its applicable to life
#1099 by Tintin on August 19, 2013 - 10:58 am
People keep criticizing the author for being ‘submissive’ or insisting that ‘it works both ways.’ But I agree with the author 100%. Yes, a marriage works both ways, but many marriages get rocky because one or the other (or both) is not doing his/her part. Does that mean one partner shouldn’t take the initiative to be the ‘submissive one’ and try to reach out the unresponsive partner? The problem is that many people are value their ego too much, and refuse to be the ‘weak, relenting one.’ Which is more important– your ego or your marriage? In fact, one who humbles himself and takes the side of the underdog in the marriage shows true strength and courage.
People respond to love and kindness. If you show TRUE love to your partner (not just words, but in action), he/she will likely respond in time. He/she will know that he/she is loved, and will love you back.
In the rare instance that you are certain you have shown all the love you can give and your partner still does not respond, that is probably the signal for divorce. Maybe she’s totally lost interest in you, or she’s just a user, or he/she is just a plain douchebag.
#1100 by veganwolf on August 19, 2013 - 10:24 am
Reblogged this on Life of a vegan wolf. and commented:
Inspiring indeed.
#1101 by Judy Marie Santiago on August 19, 2013 - 10:11 am
Reblogged this on excommunicado and commented:
I hope the man whom I’ll spend the rest of my life with will find his way to this post.
J.S.
#1102 by Anonymous on August 19, 2013 - 9:27 am
Beautiful and inspirational piece of writing!
#1103 by Anonymous on August 19, 2013 - 9:17 am
I’m sharing this with my son who is engaged to be married in May2014.
#1104 by luxedlyani on August 19, 2013 - 9:13 am
Reblogged this on luxedlyani and commented:
I hate how I’m such a sucker for romance, but this is hands down the sweetest article ever. In our mums and dads era, divorce is a probably D-word that seemed extremely derogatory. Then again, maybe it was unnecessary as well. They were there through thick and thin. Maybe there were times the relationship was crumbling and falling apart. Maybe there was a time they weren’t on the same page emotionally. But whatever it is they worked through it.
I don’t mean to suggest that divorced couples are couples who didn’t chose to work things out, who just got too lazy to smoothen out the kinks in their relationship and simply took the nearest exit route, but what I wish to imply is that it is easy to blame the other person for something that didn’t work out, but he didn’t. He wrote an article chronicling his mistakes and what he did wrong and to me that is just something.
#1105 by Dave Novak on August 19, 2013 - 8:29 am
Not sure why, yet for some, namely me, it takes a broken heart to realize we have one. Every one of the above points hits home, and #10 and #19 are really worth parking on for some time.
#1106 by Shane KP ONeill on August 19, 2013 - 8:03 am
A wonderful post that I would like to re-blog myself in the near future….
#1107 by rachelpaulma on August 19, 2013 - 7:59 am
reblogged on http://rachelpaulma.wordpress.com/
#1108 by rachelpaulma on August 19, 2013 - 7:57 am
Reblogged this on piece de resistance and commented:
“ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE”
#1109 by Catze on August 19, 2013 - 6:33 am
Reblogged this on all along the road I came across….
#1110 by Anonymous on August 19, 2013 - 6:10 am
i have been happily married for the last 37 years thankGOD a successful marriage comes from both parties, communication all the time, sharing, giving to each other without limits, understanding, real love not only in sex but in sacrifices for each other, the daily i love you to each other ,never to take each other for granted. and most of al the simple little compliments coming from the heart which keeps love always young. Just one little advice i took from my parents! before we go to sleep we bless each other saying God bless you, we kiss each other and we say I love you…..these small things keep big things……
#1111 by pascual on August 19, 2013 - 6:08 am
that’s a good one. but is it not too “gender biased”? is the responsibility solely on the man’s side, as if the success of the marriage rests solely on him?… should not wives also strive to save the marriage with the same ferocity as enumerated in this “post-marriage” article? Why should the author blame himself alone… when a marriage is a partnership the success of which depends on the parties, each as the other half of the journey…
#1112 by Steph on August 19, 2013 - 11:41 am
This article was written in his perspective. In it essence it is not about blame or responsibility for failure. Yet he hit the nail on the head of what it takes to truly give 100%. He can only speak to His gender.
#1113 by Adhis on August 19, 2013 - 9:43 pm
He actually has another article written to wives.
#1114 by jrl on August 21, 2013 - 3:10 am
Could you send us the link? We have a response from a reader we’d like to post, but we’d like to first read the one you just mentioned. Thank you!
#1115 by sweetdreamsmeg on August 19, 2013 - 5:56 am
Reblogged this on Good Night, Meg.
#1116 by Anonymous on August 19, 2013 - 5:06 am
Thank you. Dedicate this song to you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtMhtMc1GW8&hl=en-GB&gl=SG (Secret Garden by Bruce)
I am also divorce and what a relief. So many painful memories… the most painful was when I had to seal everything away …..
#1117 by Anonymous on August 19, 2013 - 5:00 am
Excellent advice!! Thank u for sharing 🙂
#1118 by WoMom on August 19, 2013 - 4:42 am
These are nice view from a man. I admire your humility to acknowledge your lapses as a man.
“Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.” — I wish the man who chose to break our home will take this to heart as his reason for leaving is falling out of love and past lapses (some years and years ago lapses he took record) .. It’s sad but it’s happening.
God bless you.
Reblogged this at the womom
#1119 by Cj on August 19, 2013 - 4:37 am
Reblogged this at my blog 😉 http://www.thepklife.wordpress.com 🙂 God bless you!
#1120 by Ella Zapirain on August 19, 2013 - 4:17 am
how nice but it works both ways…..
#1121 by Anonymous on August 19, 2013 - 3:18 am
Works both ways
#1122 by Bob on August 19, 2013 - 2:10 am
I have shared this article on our Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/ConnollyCounselingandAssessment. I hope that this article would inspire and motivate more to other people to fix their marriage.
#1123 by Lindy on August 19, 2013 - 1:59 am
I also cried when I read this…. so romantic and so beautifully written.
#1124 by lping on August 19, 2013 - 1:29 am
Reblogged this on My take on Life. and commented:
Amazing read.
#1125 by mitsueki on August 19, 2013 - 1:03 am
Reblogged this on mitsueki ♥ | Singapore Lifestyle Blogger – Food, Fashion, News & Utter Randomness and commented:
reblogged(:
#1126 by Nikita Usal on August 19, 2013 - 12:13 am
Reblogged this on NikkiBanana and commented:
Indeed.
#1127 by ligurl27 on August 18, 2013 - 11:41 pm
Reblogged this on Reality Hits and commented:
Thanks for your advice, and I wish you all the best in future. Though it’s a sad time, it’s good that you were able to take away a lot from it and I do hope you’ll be able to find this sort of love in your life again. 🙂
#1128 by tameyo on August 18, 2013 - 10:59 pm
Reblogged this on Ice's antarctic circle and commented:
We learn while we experience.
I hope my future guy/husband will be this and wish I can be the same one to him.
#1129 by Anonymous on August 18, 2013 - 10:46 pm
in the real world all of this is impossible everyday as we are not perfect. sometimes we need to take the good with the bad and deal with our imperfect partners. maybe this is due to a fact i come from a more conservative society where divorce is a more difficult decision to make.
#1130 by Pulelehua on August 18, 2013 - 10:28 pm
Reblogged this on janey777 and commented:
Sunday just might become Love Day 🙂
#1131 by dicarrido on August 18, 2013 - 10:23 pm
Reblogged this on Create A Map.
#1132 by colingoh2511 on August 18, 2013 - 10:11 pm
Reblogged this on colingoh2511's Blog.
#1133 by Godeliva Olivia on August 18, 2013 - 9:52 pm
Reblogged this on Vivi's Drawer.
#1134 by Dinah on August 18, 2013 - 9:37 pm
Very good advice.I wish my ex husband read this before.Now it’s too late. Thank you for posting these advice.
#1135 by Susan Lim on August 18, 2013 - 9:04 pm
Very well said and good for couples who are not married, wants to stay married and for the singles who have no idea what marriage is all about. It is good if you practice all the points that have been mentioned. Thanks! For sharing all the informations …
#1136 by charlon on August 18, 2013 - 8:58 pm
Good job!
#1137 by Anonymous on August 18, 2013 - 8:50 pm
A lot of this is good advice, but no amount of heroic husband behavior will keep a bad woman from ruining a marriage. if a good man follows this advice with a not-so-good woman, he will be destroyed. The truth is that men are just as frail as women and need all these things too, even if it’s just in a different form. Choose your mates wisely, choose someone who wants to do the same for you as you do for them, not out of femininity but friendship. Then use the rules. If they stop reciprocating despite your best efforts, no one is strong enough to keep things from falling apart. In fact even two good people can come to a point where they need a different relationship.
#1138 by Anonymous on August 20, 2013 - 2:47 pm
best comment.
#1139 by Anonymous on August 18, 2013 - 8:23 pm
you have to give and take in a relationship. your advice arent all wrong but it looks like one party has to make all the effort for a relationship to last. very submissive.
#1140 by d on August 18, 2013 - 8:06 pm
Marriage is essentially meant to help protect children by creating a family for them, and supporting them so they don’t become misfits in society. Subjectively, all the love and cherish, of the husband and wife are sales spin to make marriage less daunting for people to have children.
Is marriage meant to last forever? Much of what we dream is not related to reality. If people change as they go through the phases of their life we may be expecting too much to stay “closest and forever best of friends” with the same person for the entirety of our life? We don’t stay “live-in good friends” with any other person for so long. Humans are social and want to mix with lots of people. Jealousy can the killer and it is a purely selfish emotion, that instigates marriage breakdown.
#1141 by Anonymous on August 18, 2013 - 8:00 pm
Most of this is reasonable, but there are parts I take some issue with. A lot of time it mentions how women are such-and-such a way, or it waxes poetic about her femininity. Not all women are feminine. Not all guys are masculine. If you treat her like a woman specifically instead of like a human being, that’s a sure way to incite wrath. Don’t do it, man. If you’re buying gifts or thinking of doing something nice, for God’s sake, don’t ask yourself what WOMEN want. Ask yourself what SHE wants. Don’t try to me a man too much, either, because odds are good your views of masculine behavior are a little skewed. Media portrays masculinity as roughness, violence, and being in control the grand majority of the time. You are not in control. You will never be in control. No one ever is, and you don’t have to be in order to be a man. Just don’t let it be a bad thing, in your marriage or any other undertaking.
#1142 by laur5357 on August 18, 2013 - 6:44 pm
This is wonderful advice. I read this, and saw things that I do in my relationship with my boyfriend. I need to understand my emotions and not blame my frustration on him. Obviously this advice is meant for both men and women! Wonderful! Thank you so much.
#1143 by sosal16 on August 18, 2013 - 5:51 pm
Reblogged this on Naked personality. and commented:
Well said.
#1144 by peachie das bravo on August 18, 2013 - 4:35 pm
so touching… may Godˊs love lead every couple-each wife & husband.
#1145 by Anonymous on August 18, 2013 - 2:53 pm
After 35 years of marriage, at the age of 55, I lost my beloved husband to cancer. In my many years of marriage I found that a successful relationship is never 50/50. It’s 40/60 or 75/25 or 90/10 or even 10/90 but always 100%. If I was struggling with something my husband always stepped up and filled the void and me for him as well. Not only was I passionately in love with him, I liked him. The person he was and who he became. I admired him. I esteemed him. The entire length of our marriage we would lay in bed, holding hands, and talk about anything and everything. This was a constant so when our views changed, when our opinions changed, when our likes and dislikes changed (and they all do at some point) we stayed current with each other. Turn off the TV, cell phones, i pods, i pads, computers, etc. and talk. More importantly LISTEN. I miss that about my husband – his complete willingness to listen to anything and everything I had to say without judgement. He had the most amazing ability to listen to what I meant – not just what I said. It is a very rare gift I was given.
#1146 by Suri on August 18, 2013 - 2:00 pm
I’ve to say that marriage is hard work!! Both have to learnt about each other and what makes the other ticks… and learnt to accept, respect, mutual understanding etc.. Most of all, learnt to love each other and grow.. My late husband taught me a lot about the meaning of love until his last breath… This article is an eye opener.. and it’s a guide.. not something carved in stone… but it’s a great start ..
#1147 by shawncking70 on August 18, 2013 - 1:57 pm
Reblogged this on shawncking70's Blog and commented:
I’ve spent the past 10 months of my life rethinking the previous 8
years. This is blog is an honest man’s self discovery to me. Everybody is different, each relationship ends for a reason. My advice is take away from each a lesson, learn from it and move forward a better person than the one you were at that time.
#1148 by Anonymous on August 18, 2013 - 1:44 pm
All of the above is my husband… Do I need more …? I am blessed,,,,,,,hope that I could someday realize how lucky I am …. Oops..simply me…
#1149 by Suri on August 18, 2013 - 1:33 pm
Reblogged this on Suri's Lil' Farm and commented:
Very good advice for both man and woman.. 🙂
#1150 by Anonymous on August 18, 2013 - 1:25 pm
Be guided, my better half.. as my wife shared and sent this to me 🙂
Thanks Eilyn through Gerald. It was awesome.
#1151 by Elwood on August 18, 2013 - 1:13 pm
I agree with the many who wrote “good advice – for both of you”. If one spouse works hard on the marriage and shows love to the other, and the other does not, then you still don’t have a love-filled marriage. When both show love to each other, the marriage becomes strong, and the feelings will come when both give that kind of love. And, dear author, don’t beat yourself up; if she didn’t care to show you love, even after you did, then did she marry only to feel good, and does she even want to be married?
#1152 by crizarah on August 18, 2013 - 12:52 pm
Reblogged this on The Musings of a Stargazer.
#1153 by Jaja Shah-Mohen on August 18, 2013 - 11:48 am
Reblogged this on Second Phase and commented:
Beautiful advice. I believe both sexes can benefit from this advice.
#1154 by acedimage on August 18, 2013 - 11:32 am
Reblogged this on AcedImage and commented:
To all married couples, this is a very nice article.
#1155 by Anonymous on August 18, 2013 - 10:53 am
This list presumes that you have a spouse who has basically good character and is not mentally ill or addicted.
If you do #4 and #7 with an addict or abuser, he or she will simply take advantage of you. If you are with an addict or a felon, run run run. Get out. Every year you are with him/her destroys your life and slows down his/her recovery.
#1156 by Dan Iezzi on August 18, 2013 - 10:50 am
You have to be yourself.
#1157 by itsmechami01 on August 18, 2013 - 10:49 am
Reblogged this on Live to Express not to Impress.
#1158 by mary2heart on August 18, 2013 - 10:03 am
Reblogged this on maryheartpalomique.
#1159 by Anonymous on August 19, 2013 - 3:31 am
Hey, which way you going
#1160 by Anonymous on August 18, 2013 - 10:03 am
my relationship is ending, i hope that he can read this.i’ve done all the things written her and i think more but still it didn’t work.i still love him but things are not the same as it was.thank you for sharing and also for the realization.but we can never control the other person.
#1161 by Anonymous on August 18, 2013 - 1:17 pm
I hope everything works out for you!
#1162 by Anna Theresa on August 18, 2013 - 9:57 am
Reblogged this on A Nerd Girl's World.
#1163 by stephany on August 18, 2013 - 9:48 am
Sharing is caring.. nice..
#1164 by dayunski on August 18, 2013 - 9:34 am
I have to agree with him, he is not a relationship expert. Example: advice #3,… SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU. The two of you took a vow,”…for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part”. Marriage is not only about pleasing each other because there will be sacrifices. Ultimately, it’s a commitment. If trouble comes up, you both must work on it. If one gives up, or even worse, if both of you give up, then the marriage wasn’t meant to be. The worst part, if someone cheats to destroy a marriage, it’s always about me, me, me and never the marriage. That’s the painful reality of marriage.
#1165 by rlian on August 18, 2013 - 9:31 am
how basic it is for every man to know before and after married and divorced.
#1166 by Anonymous on August 18, 2013 - 9:28 am
A woman wrote this. Or else she made him write this.
#1167 by Bhimboy Rey on August 18, 2013 - 11:28 pm
For sure, thats what I’ve been thinking,
#1168 by Anonymous on August 19, 2013 - 12:05 am
LOL! I was going to comment the same thing.
#1169 by aletheaseraphina on August 18, 2013 - 9:25 am
Reblogged this on Static..
#1170 by Pras on August 19, 2013 - 3:24 am
Agree!
#1171 by Michelle on August 18, 2013 - 9:21 am
I felt your sincerity, your pain & realization and the love you have in your heart while you were writing this article. All of which that you have mentioned is something any woman would desire. But I believe it also goes both ways. These points are not meant for just men to learn how to treat/love their wives, but also for women to learn how love and cherish their husbands in the same manner. Some of these advices are also helpful for any other kind of relationship. Being true to yourself and loving yourself is vital before you can truly and genuinely love someone else. Never stop loving and having faith in love. Coz at the end of the day, its all that matters. It may sound cliche-ish but then again it’s true.
#1172 by Anonymous on August 18, 2013 - 9:09 am
I thought this was really well thought out and written. The interesting part to me is the people who responded that it takes 2 or is both ways…the whole point of this, Men is to be selfless not to think about what the woman is giving or doing, its not about keeping score…this is about what you need to do and how you should think of your partner…not about what the partner is doing in return.
#1173 by ym on August 18, 2013 - 8:53 am
thanks man. Allah bless you
#1174 by Anonymous on August 18, 2013 - 8:44 am
I have to agree, you are not a relationship expert. Advice #3…SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU. You two took a vow, “… for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”. It’s not all about pleasing her, it’s a two way street. If trouble comes up, you both need to work on it. If someone doesn’t or if the two of you gave up, then this marriage wasn’t meant to be. And that’s reality my friend.
#1175 by Anonymous on August 18, 2013 - 8:38 am
Agree from above,but I think women should reciprocate too as I believe “it takes two to tango”. I am a female , so no bias from my personal opinion. 🙂
#1176 by logan Pillay on August 18, 2013 - 8:26 am
wow I hope I read this six years back
#1177 by Ray on August 18, 2013 - 8:13 am
Reblogged this on Drops of Ray and commented:
I think #5 is really tough to do. We all want to change the other so that they’ll fit us. We often forget that our differences are what made us fit in the first place. And it would be extremely hard if your partner does change; change into someone you didn’t want.
I believe a lot of men don’t understand #8. They think that when one is upset, the only thing to be done is to give an advice and expect one to act on it. Advice should and only is the reason why you vented it out in the first place. However, men and women alike, we just vent because we need to get it out of our chest, and to know that there’s someone who is willing to stay by our side and support us. If we need a fixer, we’ll go to those with authority, or we’ll ask specifically for it. If not just listen and let it go. We’ll most probably forget it after it’s out. Learn to be a therapist, in other words.
I personally find #19 hard to achieve. I don’t hold onto every minute error, but if done enough times over a long period of time with no correction, it does leech onto me. And it’s a leech that will never be filled.
I thought #3 is fairly important in a relationship. We always take the other for granted; even with friends. We think that since they are our best friends and we’ve been through a lot, they should know my flaws inside out, and i shouldn’t have to worry that they’ll dump me or get sick of me. The fact is, time makes it even more susceptible. Those who forsake you minutes after knowing you are not worth it, but you can’t blame those who wash their hands off you after years.
#1178 by guia on August 18, 2013 - 7:20 am
reblogged this on drafting my marital history
#1179 by Shawnda on August 18, 2013 - 6:46 am
Reblogged this on Shawnda's Spirit Harvest and commented:
Great advice. Bless yourself, your spouse and your marriage.
#1180 by Leyzabelle Mentiza Gabuat on August 18, 2013 - 5:50 am
I cried reading this
#1181 by Anonymous on August 18, 2013 - 5:10 am
Nice!
#1182 by Nedith Rocillo on August 18, 2013 - 4:44 am
Reblogged this on Readable..
#1183 by Dan on August 18, 2013 - 4:03 am
The above is true and men would do well to practice it. The facts are:
1. Women generally expect all of the above (nothing wrong with that)
2. There is not a single woman in the world I know that practices all of the above points and yet they continue to expect all of above.
What I mean is simple – it works both ways. If you have expectations for someone to treat you right. Do you treat him or her right in all the aspects of your expectations too? If you don’t then your expectations are just plain unfair.
#1184 by imeuline on August 18, 2013 - 3:27 am
Reblogged this on cemenez88.
#1185 by imeuline on August 18, 2013 - 3:27 am
8, 10, 12, 16, 17 🙂
#1186 by Bo on August 18, 2013 - 2:28 am
I am not married. But I come from a family that experienced no less pain. While I read your post w much agreement, but I also feel while u write for men, the same applies to women. In fact what u have described, May just happened to all humans. We should never stop loving, but u cannot stop the other to stop loving u. Likewhilse to the ladies, love should never be taken for granted.and also, giving up does not also mean stop loving, but could also so that the other party can get the life he/she so desired but know that This party cannot provide for No matter How hard he would try. U May be divorced, u dun need to stop loving her. Coz at the end of the end, If u still love her, u would always Wish that she is happier then. To all out there looking for love, May u find love, to those who lost live, never stop loving, to those not looking, at least love yourself more.
#1187 by Marilet Cat on August 18, 2013 - 2:13 am
Truly enjoyed reading this. Will share it with my man who I promise to love today, tomorrow and forever… and forever is not enough.
#1188 by edgar ladrera on August 18, 2013 - 1:49 am
Thanks for sending this
#1189 by LRGL on August 18, 2013 - 1:43 am
My recommendations: 1) treat wife as a friend always. Not just before marriage 2) always have communication and listen to her opinion or problems 3) with patience and tell her nicely if she is wrong in her opinion 4) always remember the important dates in her life 5) give her some surprise at times to cheer her up 6) never stop love and caring words. But must be sincere 7) always involve her with yr decision making, outtings and parties 8) women tend to have more stress then men, hence can help to stress her out by bringing her for hoildays, be a good listener and dont interrupt her talkings. 9) women need to feel secure, so plan and act to make her feel so in terms of financial and yr care for her 10) always share God’s words together to enhance the bond between each other 12) last but not the least, men must learn to be a bit humuorous as women loves to laugh. Laughings can cheer her up and make her healthier. Above are petsonal suggestions for sharing. May every couple have a good time forever together.
#1190 by Eric Tay on August 18, 2013 - 1:33 am
Reblogged this on My Thinking Out Loud! and commented:
Agreed! Marriage is about Happily Ever NOW.
After may be too late.
12 years of experience & still going strong. Always be curious & try new experiences together. Don’t ever let it get stale.
#1191 by jeanuineee on August 18, 2013 - 12:16 am
Reblogged this on Stay Jeanuine.
#1192 by Kristine Fernando on August 17, 2013 - 11:58 pm
Amazing! Thanks for sharing!!
#1193 by Ananymous on August 17, 2013 - 10:41 pm
I am a widow. It’s too late when I realized how much my husband loved me. Because of brief moment of indecision, I totally lost my faith on him. He has been gone seven years now but I have not forgiven myself for making him miserable. There is a million things I should have told him about love and caring. True I did my wifely duty but he deserved more than that.
These advice from a divorce man should also apply to a woman. Both must have
their own contribution to a happy marriage and they should do it before it’s too late.
#1194 by ohmytianss on August 17, 2013 - 10:36 pm
Reblogged this on OhMyTianss..
#1195 by mermaidintraining on August 17, 2013 - 10:31 pm
Reblogged this on Mermaid-In-Training.
#1196 by Bella on August 17, 2013 - 9:43 pm
My marriage is falling apart. I wish he could read this. 😦
#1197 by claudell on August 17, 2013 - 8:43 pm
All husbands, husband to be or ex husbands should read this.. But eventually it takes two to tango. Good adviced and sharing though.. 🙂
#1198 by mango on August 17, 2013 - 8:42 pm
It takes both hands to clap. A man can do a lot for his woman, but can she do the same. It cannot be always one side receiving, and the other always giving.
#1199 by Shelly Brown on August 17, 2013 - 2:37 pm
Deep wisdom and insight. I read this in tears, as my marriage of 21 years has come to an end. I saved myself for marriage, intending to give myself to one and only one man until death do us part. He chose another family. Walking away from not just me, but our three amazing young adult children. I’ve been a ladies’ ministry speaker and writer for about 12 years, walking through painful journeys with other women. Now I walk through my own. But, I know God will restore my children and I. And, I too have learned through my mistakes. Thank you for your transparency and willingness to share so that other men (and perhaps even some women) will be spared the pain that you and your family have had to endure. Blessings to you as you rebuild your life.
#1200 by Shelly Brown on August 17, 2013 - 2:56 pm
Somehow I missed the first line “My advice after a divorce following 37 years of marriage, by David Mikus.” 🙂 I decided to take a double take when i perused your blog and realized that you don’t look quite old enough to be married 37 years. But … I stand by my comment, but direct the last line “Thank you for your transparency and willingness to share so that other men (and perhaps even some women) will be spared the pain that you and your family have had to endure. Blessings to you as you rebuild your life.” to Mr. Mikus. 🙂
#1201 by Marilet Cat on August 18, 2013 - 2:17 am
Hi Shelly, the blogger Mr. Gerald Rogers said he’s been married 16 years. My best wishes to you and your children. May you be consoled with the thought that God has better plans for you.
#1202 by Anonymous on August 17, 2013 - 4:08 pm
Oh so right (b)
#1203 by marshmallowsandhotchoco on August 17, 2013 - 2:24 pm
Reblogged this on paint me wings and commented:
Beautifully written. I don’t think I can handle these emotions. I hope for the best for this man.
#1204 by margaretbishop on August 17, 2013 - 2:16 pm
Reblogged this on Piece of Me(B).
#1205 by sam on August 17, 2013 - 12:58 pm
Wow. This is amazing. My boyfriend is really this thoughtful. Reading this makes me appreciate him so much more. The amount of thought he puts into showing me that I am his really inspires me to think about how to love right.
#1206 by Anonymous on August 17, 2013 - 12:53 pm
Nice advice. But one thing never to forget is respecting one’s self. I respected myself. This advice is only good if the one you married also respects your dignity.
#1207 by Jennine on August 17, 2013 - 12:18 pm
Things both husband and wife should pay attention to.
#1208 by RagsNair on August 17, 2013 - 11:05 am
Reblogged this on RagsNair.Com and commented:
Marriage advice from a man who was married for 37 years. A good read for young husbands.
#1209 by Abundantlee on August 17, 2013 - 10:52 am
An excellent and enlightening article, except that the author is still subconsciously driven by a strong underlying fear of losing his beloved. True love is enjoying the happiness of one’s beloved. True love would be interested in just loving and be thankful for the opportunity to do so, rather than trying to hold on to someone for eternity.
It is also not a healthy motivation to try to “be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about”.
But otherwise, great pieces of advice. Thank you for sharing.
#1210 by Anonymous on August 18, 2013 - 10:33 am
That’s a very good point. There are complexities in relationships that just has to result in separation and moving on despite everything for the sake of happiness on both sides. And that is ok. The happiness of the person you love comes above all else; even if it means not being together with you. Great advice by the blogger still. Totally worth the read and consideration.
#1211 by Anonymous on August 18, 2013 - 10:44 am
The original author of this piece also has another piece addressed to women.
#1212 by Anonymous on August 17, 2013 - 9:42 am
really felt the sincerity…all husbands’ must read.
#1213 by jovelyn on August 17, 2013 - 9:41 am
i wish my husband read this and understand every thing…too late
#1214 by ricko indra meilita on August 17, 2013 - 9:12 am
it’s true….I am the opposite you…my marriage only for 6 years and another 3 years I need to suffer and endure the pain….
#1215 by LeAnn on August 17, 2013 - 9:12 am
Wish I could meet this man.
#1216 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 3:23 pm
he is fake…there is no such MAN!!
#1217 by anonymousarabia on August 17, 2013 - 8:18 am
this advice can easily be given to woman too, it takes two to break a relationship, just as it takes two to make it work!
#1218 by Mike on August 17, 2013 - 8:10 am
Very good advice. I actually did all these things. I would only add one thing though and that would be God. Because without him its impossible to have live this way.
#1219 by Anonymous on August 17, 2013 - 8:20 pm
True!! God is probably the most important.
#1220 by As it is on August 17, 2013 - 8:02 am
Sorry, but this is a bit idiotic There is some good stuff and the advice is sound, but the main problem is the tone of the piece. It takes two to make a marriage and if she is flawed you don’t have suffer through it or be the one responsible to make it work.
Actually, you can’t.
Dude, it is NOT your fault that you got divorced.
At some point you have to accept that as well.
You are responsible for your happiness not hers. You can help the process of enabling her to find her happiness but you can’t make her happy, I suppose that goes under the just let her be advice.We need to stop selling women the expectation of being pandered to as a princess just as we have stopped selling women the idea that they need to wait on the man hand-and-foot.
#1221 by Anonymous on August 18, 2013 - 10:46 am
This is only one of Gerald Rogers’ writings. He has another piece addressed to wives.
#1222 by Sinclair on August 17, 2013 - 7:31 am
Reblogged this on JourneyOfEndurance and commented:
I wish what i read here i could have done. I can’t even begin to imagine how the guy must feel, all the best to him.
#1223 by thefirsttimeblogger on August 17, 2013 - 5:02 am
this would a good bestman’s speech. very well said. 🙂
#1224 by Anonymous on August 17, 2013 - 4:37 am
Don’t live to regret it. We only live once and that woman also appear once.
#1225 by Ryan on August 16, 2013 - 9:50 pm
This guy should not be so hard on himself. Sounds like he mostly thinks its his fault.
#1226 by kelleymac0 on August 16, 2013 - 8:00 pm
Awesome. My divorce is about to be finalized. He walked out after 18 years of marriage. I realized I was totally in love with the person I “thought” he was. Once he was exposed, he bailed. But, I am SO much happier now. My kid’s are happier, I have complete peace, and on and on. Now, where exactly can I find that “EPIC LOVER”?
#1227 by J M Gallagher on August 16, 2013 - 7:47 pm
In reading this, I see so many things that my husband does. I am the one who needed this refresher. =)
Thank you for sharing.
#1228 by mary e. springhorn on August 16, 2013 - 7:25 pm
Hmm…just treat a woman like an ADULT HUMAN. Why does it need any instructions?
#1229 by Richa Stevens on August 16, 2013 - 6:18 pm
This is incredible advice. My heart aches for your loss and yet it seems you learned so much. It sounds like you still love her. I hope that somehow, someway that love will make a way for you two.
#1230 by Cara on August 16, 2013 - 5:27 pm
Awesome. One of the best advice columns I’ve ever read. A lot of these apply to both sexes. Too good not to share. Thank you.
#1231 by wardyslo on August 16, 2013 - 4:54 pm
There is obviously a lot of pain in the words of the writer. I am not a relationship expert either, and I loved most of the advice from this column. However, I would challenge the author to heed his own advice and forgive himself immediately. Clearly he is holding himself almost 100% accountable for his “failed” 37 year marriage. This is absolutely not true, while he may have been the larger part, it is a two way street. Forgive yourself my friend, and do it soon.
#1232 by T on August 19, 2013 - 8:41 am
this was precisely my impression as well. from the blog it seems he holds only himself to blame, which is not healthy and certainly never the truth either. i think the pain of divorce was too fresh when he wrote this. it would be interesting if the blogger were to write again a few months, maybe a year down the road with a more balanced perspective.
#1233 by Anonymous on August 16, 2013 - 11:38 am
I wish my husband had read this advice…now it is too late
#1234 by samwise on August 16, 2013 - 10:54 pm
It would have been just as important for you to take this advise as well.
#1235 by Anonymous on August 17, 2013 - 12:07 pm
It should never be too late.
#1236 by Not Anonymous on August 17, 2013 - 1:27 pm
I wish my ex-wife had read it.
#1237 by alfirafitrananda on August 16, 2013 - 11:18 am
🙂
#1238 by Jessica on August 16, 2013 - 8:20 am
It’s the most deepest advise I ever seen. Hope it could be translated in Spanish . Also advise wife
#1239 by blissluk on August 16, 2013 - 4:43 am
I highly recommend every man to read “The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire”.
Some of the things you mentioned I tried to make a part of myself as I read this book. It is a book which had a tremendous impact on me being a man. I read it 2 years ago and it started to grow something inside me I’ve been looking for so long: integrity.
#1240 by blissluk on August 16, 2013 - 4:37 am
That post is epic, radiating with truth. Thank you so much for sharing them with us, because I know that they will enrich everyone of us and by that our relationships. I believe you just changed many people’s lifes. 🙂
#1241 by Anonymous on August 19, 2013 - 4:28 pm
This guy’s wife should take him back! Does anyone know if she has?!
#1242 by Me on August 19, 2013 - 9:37 pm
She has no intention of doing so.
#1243 by Amy on August 22, 2013 - 9:31 pm
The responses to this post have been interesting. People so quickly assume that because the insights have been verbalized they have been internalized. We know little of his wife’s experience, but something tells me the timing and publicity of it all ISN’T something she would appreciate…divorce is such a personal thing. As a woman there is a large part of me that would appreciate hearing her side of the story!
#1244 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 5:43 pm
Does it really matter about this guys timing and his wife’s side of the story?
I find it very refreshing. The man got it or realized what he could have done better or differently in his marriage. Maybe he had heard the words before, but they never sunk in… Or his pride got in the way… Or maybe he knew a lot of it, but was burned out… Or maybe he just did not fully get it until it was just too late. Who knows… Who cares. I am in the middle of a divorce and have been married a little over 22 years… What I wouldn’t give for the man I married to fully get what this man is saying. Most (maybe not all) of his words are exactly why I am no longer there. God released me. I obeyed everything He asked of me over the years and one day The Lord told me… “You have done all you can – I am releasing you to go, to be free.” Very sad, but I might have an idea how his wife felt. I give him credit for his admission. Letting go of his pride and ego and speaking what he feels to be true. That is not easy for a man to do. Obviously God opened this mans eyes very wide. I know I need the very things he is talking about and had I got them I would not be in the middle of a divorce today. I am not saying I am perfect – I just know, because I have talked The Lord all the time about my situation. There is nothing you can hide from The Lord – He knows our hearts completely and He knew mine.
#1245 by Andrew on August 29, 2013 - 12:59 pm
The Lord told you to leave your marriage? The same Lord that in Malachi 2:16 states that He hates divorce? Before you go trying to say that the Lord is telling you something, you might want to search the scriptures and make sure its Him you are talking to, and not just you trying to make an excuse for something you think you want. Really give it up to the Lord and see what He really tells you. I was there once, and boy is that a dangerous spot to be in.
#1246 by Sharon on August 29, 2013 - 6:05 pm
I did give it up to The Lord for 22 years. I totally agree that God hates divorce, but does God expect a woman and her children to be abused over and over and over again? Mentally, physically, and emotionally? I think not. How much is the woman supposed to take? Should I list you all the details? If you only knew… God hates divorce, yes, but don’t even try to tell me that God enjoys seeing a woman and her children continually get abused. No man deserves a wife or children under those conditions. So thanks for pointing out how much God hates divorce, but stop for a minute and ask some questions before judging. God does release women from such hell and I was one of them. I waited until I heard for sure, not that I need to justify that with you, but I have been blessed for my obedience for staying and doing what The Lord asked me to do in my marriage. I can only change me – not an abusive partner – I did my part in the Lords eyes that is why He released me. The will of the abuser is in the hands of God and he cannot abuse the ones God removed from his house any longer. There is more to the Bible than just that one verse. How about husband love your wife as Christ loves the church? If my husband loved us like Christ loved the church do you think there would be any reason for me to leave? Not on your life. He lost a good and faithful wife, a daughter and a step- son.
#1247 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 12:27 am
What are the odds that the wife responded to this post by saying “she has no intentions of found so.” I can’t see it being anyone else…no?