Beautiful advice from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage

This article has been moved to http://jamesrussell.org/blog/blog/beautiful-advice-from-a-divorced-man-after-16-years-of-marriage

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  1. #1 by Anonymous on July 2, 2014 - 11:52 am

    I’m in a place with my husband in our 15th year of marriage that I needed to see this. There are so many of these items that we are facing in our marriage – and I am at fault as well. I love him but am not ‘in love’ with him anymore. We are trying – but I have tasked him with leading the charge at figuring out how to make me fall in love with him again. Thank you for the share. I’ll make sure he sees it as well.

    • #2 by Anonymous on July 17, 2014 - 1:57 pm

      You will fall in love again once you take some time for yourself, and realize there is nothing else out there.

  2. #3 by Anonymous on June 29, 2014 - 4:40 am

    This is a keeper.

  3. #4 by Anonymous on June 24, 2014 - 7:45 am

    I want to date this guy! Every thing in the article is spot-on! If these things had been done by my husband, we’d still be married, & he’d be the happiest guy ever, because he’d have a wife who would do anything for him because of the love she recieved from him.

  4. #5 by Penny on June 23, 2014 - 5:04 am

    I’m jealous . I can’t go past the 2 year mark ….. let alone 16. It truley takes 2 incredible individuals to honour each to the point where you can’t become undone. Which is why I believe that it is not only imperative …. but completely logical to abolish the the idealism status quo . People on their own are far better off……. If they dare too.

    The foolish child in me, still glimpses at the idea of hope, even with that knowledge .

    • #6 by jrl on June 23, 2014 - 2:47 pm

      Thank you, Penny. Bless you.

    • #7 by Al on August 18, 2014 - 9:21 pm

      Would have to agree, some (like me) are simply better off alone…especially when the childish heart can not & has not been able to see people/relationships for what they truly are, until it’s too late. Thanks for the comment & clarity on the matter!!

  5. #8 by Dan Bielenberg on June 12, 2014 - 11:01 pm

    Thank you for getting this.

    I choose you.

  6. #9 by Dan on May 29, 2014 - 7:33 pm

    This article is 100% Spot on. After 15 years of marriage to my only true love, I have lost my wife for all the same reasons.
    I have read many of the responses to this article from so called macho men. Kill the one of the boys tough guy act and get down to what marriage really is. It blows my mind how many men have told me that I just didn’t put my wife in her place. Paleeeaaase!! A real man honors and treasures his wife, I failed and for this will be eternally remorseful. The woman worshiped the ground that I walked on and I just stomped on her heart, putting the family business before the family home, not being present and the list goes on. Doesn’t mean I didn’t love her, I did and still do, just kept saying to myself someday I’ll be a better husband, someday I’ll be a better father someday…. The myth of someday.
    Now some folks may be perfectly content in their marriages not practicing the essential and valuable points in this article and hey good for you, but it you want joy, real happiness and a harmonious marriage, something beyond what it is now, men step up. The only things I would add to the list is to make your home a Christ centered home, pray together with your wife and also as a family with your wife and children.
    I know now where I failed and if by some miracle God ever granted me another chance with my wife, the rulebook is in this article. I highly recommend http://www.ultimatehusband.com which I discovered way too late and two books: 1) If he Only Knew by Gary Smalley – Amazon has it for dirt cheap, 2) Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late by the same author. Also two books I discovered way too late.
    Believe me this divorce was the biggest slap in the face to make numerous changes in myself that I know down the road will make me a better man.
    Men, you don’t want to end up in the same boat as us. Make these practices a daily part of your marriage, you cannot imagine the pain and emotion that can overcome you especially when your entire life is changed drastically by one sentence from your wife’s mouth. “I am divorcing you.”

    • #10 by Dan on June 23, 2014 - 11:16 pm

      I do have to say , now that I am clear, Yes I had many faults, and so did she. I stand by my words that I originally wrote, however I do see now that although she is a well educated, well cultured woman, she does have many psychological and emotional issues that I pray that she works on. In a nutshell, subconsciously, I believe that in her mind was what’s called “I’m going make to make damned sure that you make me unhappy.” It’s unfortunate though it’s really good to be clear. I pray for her as I move on. New possibilities…..

      • #11 by Al on August 18, 2014 - 9:27 pm

        Does she really have those issues, or was that the path the relationship led to? Ask yourself what you did wrong in it, instead of pointing to her? Then ask, if there was truly love; could things have been worked out? Is there a point of no return? I have some beautiful memories of relationships that turned into ultimate disaster, some of which I know was my own fault. Heck, sometimes I wonder if love truly exists or is it the label we put onto the relationship that is fulfilling, lighthearted, newer, and fun? Too bad, things don’t tend to stay this way…when you truly meld 2 lives together, it came become quite a challenge!!

  7. #12 by Sceptical on May 2, 2014 - 4:20 pm

    50 % Fiction if you ask me. I am 29 years married tomorrow ‘same old & getting older’ lol.
    What really killed it for me was his porno style lovemaking paragraph. Really!!!. Keep it for the romance novels please.

    • #13 by Anonymous on May 26, 2014 - 12:08 pm

      No. He is absolutely righ, nothing porno about it. Just an element of passion. I l obviously this hits a nerve with you and we wish you would have addressed that in your sharing.

  8. #14 by Anonymous on May 2, 2014 - 3:00 pm

    A very clever use of social media picking up on one of the hottest selling soft cover book themes – ‘romance’. Expanding several points to tug at the heart strings for the target audience. Probably made a lot of money for the author.
    Back to reality here; 29 years married tomorrow, planning how to celebrate it with my wife. I am still reeling from the disappointment of her lack of gratitude for a surprise 50th birthday I organised and new car I bought for her last month. She has no emotion about it, thanks to a hysterectomy. Here’s some good advice- don’t rush into a full hysterectomy. Ask the doctor to keep at least one ovary if you want to keep the wife you once knew.
    I can’t say I have ‘seen it all ‘ in my marriage because there are obviously more unfortunate people than us but starting with my wife suffering from PND with our children no 3 & no 4. Developing a form of PD (personality disorder as she aged) probably due to being the only child of a narcissistic ‘man hating’ widowed mother. (2 failed re marriages and countless failed relationships).
    Here’s some good advice – never marry a single parent child from a widowed mother.
    Countless hours in counselling, dozens of books on the subject. Maybe I should have let my solicitor get her charged with attempted murder when she pulled a knife on me. Maybe I should have let my solicitor let her get charged when she used to leave my kids locked up in the car while she shopped. Maybe I should not have let her back in when she would leave after a tantrum.
    Here is some good advice young guys. Once you become a door mat for your wife you become a door mat for your kids. Let me explain. Once the kids see their father being verbally abused by their mother . They themselves verbally abused and physically intimidated by their mother it shatters their security of home feeling. Their survival instinct is to not flourish, hide their feelings in fact and leave home at the first opportunity. I have put 3 of them to Uni so far but I am having problems with my last child’s aptitude to study.
    Where I thought I was doing the right thing hanging on to my marriage and after a few hours of my counselling sessions I am starting to see I have done the wrong thing trying to save my marriage. What in fact appears to have happened is I have been married for 29 years and lost the healthy balanced development of all my children. Ironic isn’t it.
    Well I tried my best. At 53 I feel washed up. I already had one minor heart attack a fortnight ago. Sky rocketing blood pressure, constant indigestion and heart burn. I checked my life insurance, it’s all in order, still have to check my will.
    Yes Lord I am ready, please take me to a better place, I have tried my best. Please instil the grace in my children to do their best where I inadvertently failed them. Thank you Lord, Amen.

    • #15 by Tiffany T. H. on June 23, 2014 - 8:29 pm

      I read your comment and I’m moved by what you really tried to accomplish with your marriage. It sounds like she suffered from way more than just a hysterectomy, what I mean to say is that she may have had some kind of chemical problems or poor mental coping. Not all women that have a hysterectomy just plane lose there mind do they? Your last few comments worry me because it sounds like you’re ready to just give up on life, and yea your situation totally sucks, I don’t discount that but your life isn’t over yet. There is still room for fighting for your kids and maybe after some counseling for everyone you’ll be able to find true happiness again, but you have to be willing to give that a try first. I don’t know you, but I feel for you, in an odd way probably more than I should, but please don’t give up on yourself, you’ve got good in you, and I hope so very much in this very moment that you embrace what is good and please don’t give up hope. Change is never ever easy and rarely quick but hopefully you can find strength in yourself to keep going, keep loving, keep trying. I’m telling this to myself as much as I am you. What’s that prayer God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, Courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference..so hard to really put into action, I know I’m struggling with it now. Someone you’ve never met is thinking of you right now and hoping and wishing things turn around for you!

    • #16 by Anonymous on July 23, 2014 - 3:26 pm

      A car ? A surprise party ? Does anyone want THINGS ? Attention and caring are much much more important. Not saying you didn’t have these too . Just surprised at the emphasis

  9. #17 by dave on May 2, 2014 - 7:12 am

    This article is the best and most painful thing i have ever read. I agree tottally with everything this man is saying and i believe its absolutley right. Though they say it takes two to tango in a relationship The hardest thing to accept is that You are the one who is responsible for the undoing and ending of the best and most precious thing in your life. For so long i never took responsibility for my actions. I passed the blame always to someone or something else, Never communicated my feelings or emotions in any way proper to my partner And i broke the most important promises i made to the most important person in my life. Everytime I said id change i would slip back to old ways comepletely unaware, and the effort i was putting in to the relationship was seen and felt as next to none to her. And yet i still wondered why she would feel how she was feeling about everything. You know when she first read this article she left it out and asked me to read it hoping i would see and understand all i do now from this article. And now i know how exactly i want and should treat her everyday for the rest of her life. But just as everything with me that has come too little too late and now i face the real fact of never being able to show her the love and life she deserves and give her the me she so dearly wanted. And just as im completly comitted to and being the epic lover in this article to her for the rest of her life now my love is not wanted and im left without her love. If only i did read this when i should’ve and understood that I am a man, But she is a woman, she is my woman and she deserved my all, everyday that i was blessed to have her as my one and only. She deserved to feel happyness, completeness and love like no other from me. Love she could always depend on to light the darkness from her soul, dry the tears from her eyes and let her know she was the only woman in the world that my love belonged to. I failed her and i was wreckless with her heart, and she never even asked for half of how i speak now to make her feel loved. So as for this article i believe the words this man has written are completely spot on. If you trully love the person your with Show her everyday That She matters more then any car, bike or past life you could or may have had. That all the money in the world couldn’t buy a piece of what you have with her. If i could have just one chance again to have my beautiful sweet girlfriend back i would cherish everyday with her for the rest of our lives.
    Like it says in this article ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE there is now greater feeling in life then the love of your beautiful girlfriend/wife, And if u have it Do all u can to protect it…. She deserves the best of you, All of you, Always…….

  10. #18 by teach me how to attract men please on April 23, 2014 - 2:23 am

    I rarely comment, however after reading a great deal of responses on this page Beautiful advice
    from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage
    | love story from the male perspective. I actually do have some
    questions for you if it’s allright. Could it be only
    me or does it look like like some of the comments come across
    like they are left by brain dead people? :-P And, if you are posting at other online sites, I’d like to keep up with everything new you have to post.
    Could you list of every one of your shared pages like your Facebook page, twitter feed, or linkedin profile?

  11. #20 by questforahusband on April 17, 2014 - 1:21 pm

    This beautiful. As a woman, choosing to accept all of these (and to reciprocate) is equally as valuable. Divorce is not fun, but if you learn from it and are a better person for it, then it wasn’t the worst thing in the world.

    http://www.questforahusband.com

  12. #21 by Derrick on April 13, 2014 - 1:13 pm

    Good stuff to “Show Love” for her, absolutely – but in the end or middle – she may want to leave in her freedom for a “new other” – in her changing and growing over time… she is free after all ! :-)

  13. #22 by bathroom renovation idea on March 28, 2014 - 5:45 pm

    Appreciate it. A good amount of advice.

  14. #23 by Been There on March 18, 2014 - 3:15 pm

    I seriously give endeavor to Items: #2, #3, and #4 especially. They ARE those items that make me want to try harder every day.
    BUT… this advice also sounds like it is only the MAN who should be doing any of this. It hands ALL of the power between the two, to just her. So, depending on her emotional state (mood) she can take it for the moment, and then say “Well, now what will he do for his next trick”… Here prince, here prince”….
    Before a Man makes a real and definitive choice, he had better truly see her, for what SHE sees herself as. Does she have a vibrant social life? Are you being made a part of the whole social situation? Does she assure herself that there are always many men in around her social habits? Or, does she favor hanging out with GF’s…which usually connotates a stable and healthy mindset about relationships in the first place. A woman who keeps and maintains LOTS of male (so-called platonic) friendships, usually will not have…that many GF’s, and if they do..most won’t be as attractive as she sees herself. So, the male pals..are a way of keeping their options open? I haev seen some who do this, because they “like to say” OTHER women bring too much drama…when the reality is…. THEY are the ones craving said “drama” and therein lies the reasoning for so many male pals.
    Women have just as much responsibility, to the relationship as the man does..if not more. Women have the luxury to pick and choose. Men want to find that one partner who is ready in her own heart and mind….ready to give up the whole process of “letting men chase them” every time they leaev their home and go out in public. And, these days….many simply do NOT think they should EVER have to commit THEMselves in such a way. It is the MAN who has to do that….not them. And, in that mentality…the women will go about blaming the man…FOR EVERYTHING that ever goes wrong.
    A woman who constantly blames the man, is someone who should really be on her own, supporting herself.. her own job, her own career, paying all her own bills and taking FULL accounting of exactly where she is..in life. And, the real TRUTH here about any woman who achieves that stance, is it makes them all the more attractive and that much more sexy…to ALL MEN.
    One many said he had supported his wife in just about every way he could think of… and still… that just wasn’t enough. TO ME, that means SHE was having an issue with herself…and SHE was the one who bored easily with whomever she might be near…whether that be at work or wherever. I am sure she was probably great at meeting people new…but once the newness wore off, it got boring or took effort to maintain that inner feeling she had first got at the original meeting… a sense of being jaded would set in, and covering up that fact just got tiresome… and so did the friendship or the relationship…because, it was no longer NEW (and the excitement that comes with the NEW).
    I applaud women who keep trying over & over. I do NOT applaud any female who thinks it appropriate to blame the man FOR EVERYTHING. Whether they say they are constantly trying or not… blaming them FOR ALL…is a dodge away from holding themselves accountable… for men, in general. No woman should ever saddle any man into a relationship when they cannot absolve themselves of this irritatingly BAD habit.
    WHY? Because inherently, these same women will find the NICE guys who do remember that a lady needs a gentlemanly touch… hold the door, hold her hand… say please… compliment her… … all of the above… when, in truth, she is most likely looking for someone who will make it a challenge for her to gain his attention in the first place.. she gets bored once the conquest is over. So, she in essence is more in need of the kind who could seriously care less.. the selfish male… because those same females see that as a challenge…
    The List says “never try and change her” … yet, on the other hand..women all the time are trying to change men… like it is some RIGHT they have for themsleves.
    Now, I was married for over a decade and for the most part, it was a good union. But, still, many women simply get bored because their level of looking at things is… “Okay, I slept with him… what else is there to know?” Like having sex is the entire ritual and not another thing makes a hill of beans. And, THIS is where women begin “wasting a man’s time with falseness”. And, women do this all the time. I see it constantly. And, after a time, both sides are out in public, FAKING it… probably as much as they are faking it, in the bedroom.
    I have no problem complimenting women; being a great listening; asking her how her day went.. showing a true interest in who she wants to be.
    But, I have a real issue with women who are never truly up front honest with that man, and they hide that fact all day long by blaming him over and over and over… just because she simply doesn’t have the fortitude to BE HONEST and UP FRONT. This isn’t me having issues with women. This is about us men standing our ground against women who have that bad habit of jumping to trweat the one they have slept with, like doormats, because they just caught eye of another one they’d like to taste and internally these habits help her come up witrh justifiable reasonings.. where he small conscience won’t really bother her… as she does sneak off…. and GIRLS…let’s be real… handing out a free sample every now & then… a large portion of you see no issues with doing so… you split the process of emotional and physical…for exactly THAT reason… YET, you get snippy when another may notice what you go home to (?) and maybe the man liked it (??) so, while you are okay with your social conduct, you don’t really like having to take what you dish out.
    I admire a woman who is self supporting. It means she has grit. It also means that IF she is one man only AND they are exclusinve at HER request – actually making this a very real discussion before anything moves to the next step – then, the man KNOWS she is there because SHE WANTS TO BE… and he most likely WON’T have to deal with her constantly blaming him FOR “everything” that might be going wrong.
    Yes, the discussion of exclusivity is “incredibly important”… And, here is the reason why.
    “”What a woman will do BEFORE the ring… she will most certainly keep doing AFTER she takes those vows.”” And, I hate to admit it….a lot of men will go out of their way to simply NOT look at the facts because they are in love… and they hope SHE will change, settle down, and become who he THINKS she could be. A woman who needs ALL the power in the relationship, is a coward, who will most certainly treat him like a doormat, one way or another, AND she will (yes, you guessed it) BLAME HIM for everything that ever goes wrong.
    I actually like the List this man made up. Now, I’d like to see him make up a List of what HE thinks the woman should be making a real effort at…. so that SHE KNOWS she did everything possible to assure it is a success and they both…are not wasting the other’s time.. which neither will never…get back.

    • #24 by rose on March 21, 2014 - 8:50 am

      wow I was married young so sad I miss all that I wish I can go back do it again I miss him I failed

    • #25 by GDreader on April 9, 2014 - 6:26 pm

      TQ for sharing ;))

    • #26 by Tiffany T. H. on June 23, 2014 - 8:45 pm

      I totally agree with everything you just said. I too believe this list should apply just as much to the woman as it does the man, and I think that each individual should be responsible for their own happiness and self worth before entering into any serious relationship. You can’t really love another if you don’t love yourself, and relying on someone else for your happiness is just not fare to anyone. I really like what he said here. I’m glad you realize not all women are created equal, not in a one is better than the other kind of way, but that some have some serious healing on themselves before they can truly be in a healthy and meaningful relationship with honesty, selflessness, and trust. Well said man.

  15. #27 by anonymous on March 18, 2014 - 7:48 am

    I find the use of language, such as the word “woman” , in this piece to still make women an object of the males need to prove themselves. The beauty in this piece lies in its awareness not in the authors objectification of an emotionally torturous process on a public forum. Awareness is a beautiful thing…but let me add to this awareness…women don’t like to be called “woman” because it makes us sound like an object..ie: dog. And just the idea that men should be “epic lovers” suggests that women need this love from a man in order to be happy. Here is some more advice – for decades upon decades women have been finding their own way in the world without the “epic love” or saving grace of a man in their life. Maybe, just maybe, the woman you were with was too strong to put up with behaviour that fell short of her own strengths. I am glad you learned something but it is obvious you still have much to learn.

    • #28 by Anonymous on March 18, 2014 - 8:08 pm

      Why would you dream of knocking a man who is clearly taking the responsibility of his actions. Many a woman has put up with a Love life that was no part of her.

    • #29 by steph on April 9, 2014 - 5:26 pm

      im not sure how one turns this in to this man being sexist i think these things should be done by both parties but you cant speak for all “women” your one women and most women would/do find this sweet and touching not sexist!

  16. #30 by Anonymous on March 16, 2014 - 1:55 pm

    The most beautifull article I ever read!

  17. #31 by alex@thenextrelationship.com on March 15, 2014 - 12:21 pm

    Although I agree that a husband should do all of the above to keep his wife and marriage happy. We should not forget to lose ourselves in the process.

    A great marriage or relationship requires two individuals to be at their best. If one partner is putting in all of the effort, it’s inevitable there will be issues.

    We also have to remember that in spite of all our efforts to keep our partners happy, it’s ultimately up to them to find that happiness within themselves.

    This is coming from a guy that got divorced after 18 years. I share the author’s sentiment.

    -Alex

    http://thenextrelationship.com

    • #32 by Anonymous on March 16, 2014 - 9:01 pm

      I agree with you on all points. When I read this article though I was reading it from a point of view that I need to do these things for my man as well. I think these are good points for both partners.

      • #33 by alex@thenextrelationship.com on March 17, 2014 - 9:31 pm

        Divorce is difficult for everyone involved. I hope people who are going through it will have faith that it’s not the end of the world. As painful as it is that a chapter is closing, the next chapter will just be as exciting, if we believe.

    • #34 by Tiffany T. H. on June 23, 2014 - 8:46 pm

      So very true!

  18. #35 by questforahusband on March 14, 2014 - 12:20 pm

    Wouldn’t it be nice if we knew this before the “I do’s”? My divorce taught me so much about me and my perception of relationships. Someday I will have a chance to do it differently.

    http://www.questforahusband.com

  19. #36 by lorna davis on March 14, 2014 - 5:53 am

    I found the articlele fasinating and well worth the time it took to read. I realise that this was written from a male perspective and is therefore not saying that  us women are flawless and exempt of our own responsibility to love our husbands the very best way we can. Marriage is about two people learning, working, and growing together in a committed relationship with one another that has the possibility of yielding a bountiful harvest of happiness and fulfillment. If the two people in the marriage are completely committed to make themselves vulnerable, and transparent to one another as you yourself indicated in your writing (due to social conditioning is not always easy for men to do) then there is no reason why marriages should not achieve a more positive outcome

  20. #37 by Ruth Walker on March 11, 2014 - 8:03 pm

    Wow an amazing story. Im in a marriage and feel unloved my husband seem to support his grown sister and leave me out im stuck in love with him and need to let him go he seem not to care how he treat me and how his sister are destroying our marriage I offered him marriage counseling he reject me im tired of crying and feeling neglected what shall I do with a husband who support hos sister and neglect our marriage.

    • #38 by Anonymous on April 30, 2014 - 11:56 pm

      Ruth, I’d suggest you read created to be his helpmeet by Debi Pearl.

  21. #39 by remember on March 10, 2014 - 11:06 pm

    What’s up, just wanted to mention, I enjoyed this article.

    It was practical. Keep on posting!

  22. #40 by suri on March 9, 2014 - 8:32 am

    I wish I could find a man like this ,,, who has this thoughts exactly as it says.

  23. #41 by prepandbloom on March 8, 2014 - 2:42 pm

    Reblogged this on PREP & BLOOM       WEDDINGS.

  24. #42 by Geoff on February 27, 2014 - 11:38 am

    You have ONE life… and (hopefully) ONE WIFE…. live for them BOTH!
    Absolute truth….. as men we become blind by NOT keeping the love in our hearts alive by our actions. After 18 years of marriage and 20 years together… I am (and will forever be) in love with my wife, yet become so emotionally disconnected…. we went through “life”, and I simply failed to “Take Charge”. I wanted and tried to save my wife from even the topic of divorce, yet she refused counseling…. and says she lost her love for me.

    Yet EVERY one of these topics hit home….. I lived life “thinking” I was making my wife happy by being devoted, not a sport fan, the chore lead, no guy friends. I became obsessed with trying to simply “do it all”. Men…. you never will win in love (nor life) alone!!
    Seek help from other guys, or social media support to help focus on your marriage…..
    MEN, your #1 job is your Wife and the Marriage…. beyond work… beyond self… beyond sports!!
    And DON’T expect your wife / spouse to always be full-filled…to know and do the next step.
    It’s your #1 Job to fight for her, to full fill her with love everyday…. anything……anytime.

    If you even struggle with one of the topics above….. get in check and adjust / realign your life and direct it at your WIFE. Be an “Authentic Man” in love and marriage… You WILL see & experience love in return…. and if for some reason it still fails, then you can stand tall and know you were
    “ALL IN”.

    I look at my 18 years and wonder how it ever made it this far…. she must have loved me and will
    be FOREVER in pain of loosing her…. I never gave up, would kiss her cheek / forehead and she wouldn’t pull away. The last time was about 4 weeks ago…. I asked why she didn’t pull away and only said “I know” and left crying. There’s more to the story….and the repercussion of her actions (changes) has made it all even more unbearable to take…. I can’t even publicly remark.
    After 4+ months of massive internal conflict and breakdown, she filed for divorce on Feb. 11th… and picked-up summons on Feb. 13th…
    For me…. I literally never cried much in 18 years, and now I loose it nearly every day for the past 4+ months. It’s a pain I’d not wish on “ANYONE”…… so young men…. take notice and let this be
    an inspiration (and a lesson).

  25. #43 by gilliganxr35 on February 26, 2014 - 8:25 pm

    I always remember a scene from the movie “Just Married”. It was after everything went bad on their honeymoon and Ashton Kutcher was at home looking at pictures of himself and Brittney Murphy. The pictures were of them laughing and having fun, basically the good times. His father comes over to him and says something like, you know, no one ever takes pictures of the bad times, but its the bad times that get u from one happy picture to the next. I thought that was very lnsightful.

  26. #44 by David on February 22, 2014 - 3:47 pm

    Correction to my previous post: I’ve spent most of the past two years …

  27. #45 by David on February 22, 2014 - 3:40 pm

    I’m two years out of a 30 year marriage. I’ve spent much of the past 30 years wondering what I could have done differently and I came up with a similar list. But then I asked the next question: would the outcome have been different if I’d known all of that 32 years ago? Over and over I come to a negative conclusion. My wife brought baggage with her into the marriage that was beyond my ability to touch. So, Mr. Rogers, I suggest that you keep pondering the question and not jump to any conclusions. No doubt that you, like me and every other man out there, could have done better. But that wouldn’t necessarily have changed the outcome. You were, very likely, a far better husband than you’re admitting. Some things are just out of your control.

  28. #46 by enjoycrazy on February 22, 2014 - 6:28 am

    Reblogged this on Pride & EnJOY.

    • #47 by jack on February 23, 2014 - 1:57 am

      I am on my fifth marriage. Each time, I think I get a little better at it. Perhaps it just takes is a little practice?

  29. #48 by morijah on February 16, 2014 - 10:08 pm

    Reblogged this on MORIJAH.

    • #49 by Anonymous on February 17, 2014 - 7:55 pm

      Reading this was nauseating. Very, very few women are worthy to stand on the pedestal you plant of total supplication an worship. Especially the “modern” American woman. Sadly, your advice turns a man into a cabana boy to be toyed with instead of a MAN to be respected. Love is a two way street. If you play the part of a doormat, then that’s where she will surely wipe her feet.

      • #50 by Anonymous on February 19, 2014 - 12:35 pm

        Yes but remember this is only one side. A relationship takes two people wanting to put the other first, to build each other’s confidence and trust. When you love a woman as described above then she will in turn want to love you in the same way back.

      • #51 by Tony Head on March 8, 2014 - 6:49 pm

        Couldn’t agree more. That’s not a relationship he’s describing.like the comedian once said,”my wife treats me like a king………here king…here king.”

      • #52 by Anonymous on March 14, 2014 - 5:35 am

        Ahh but thats your problem right there…
        You are your number one priority? Ask yourself “What attracted u to your wife? What did u hope to gain from marrying her? What sacrifice did u make in your marriage? What is your view of love? Did u know that in order to receive love u must first be willing to give it away? Did you try to fix your wife or try to get her to love u how u wanted to be loved rather than loving he yourself? Did you focus on her strength rather than her weakness?are u suggesting that u did not bring any baggage to the marriage yourself? If not why did u find it so hard to love someone whom u implied needed your love and acceptance. Did u really accept her or did u pick holes in her?

      • #53 by Anonymous on March 14, 2014 - 6:22 am

        So true. Wake up men. Women also want strength and leadership. Not a Cabana boy.

      • #54 by Nefi Prosperity on March 16, 2014 - 11:37 am

        Can I just say I agree wholeheartedly with this statement (I’m female) and my thought as I read was that his was terrible advice for most men because the women they are with would create the most unhealthy dysfunctional relationships if they upheld all of this as law.

  30. #55 by Paul on February 9, 2014 - 2:04 pm

    I was married 10 years with 2 children. I’m in the process of getting divorced after I found out my wife was with another man. I realize it takes two to tango but I felt that I put in a lot of work to keep my wife happy. It wasn’t just gifts or material items, but I supported her in her career, her family and her own ambitions. In the end it wasn’t enough. I agree with some of the comments that society itself has stained the minds of women, now days there more consumed with their appearance than keeping their family together. I joke with my friends when I say that the housewives show has confused women about what is reality and what is make believe. I think the media has done a good job in the last 30 years imasculating men. I mean before the 70’s men were portrayed differently in the media, then all of sudden we are the goofy dads who have no say in family matters. Women have just come to a point where they don’t respect good men. Marriage is partnership, each person makes sacrifices for the better of each other. They expect us to take them to nice dinners, gifts, take care of the bills, but when you ask for one cooked meal a month all hell breaks loose. That’s why divorce is so high in this country, women and men have forgotten their roles in a marriage. I’m not saying women should cook or clean, men should do that to, but if one person is taking on a certain amount of responsibilities than the other should do the same. I would just tell every man on this site and the world, don’t get married and if you do, go to a country where men and women’s roles in a marriage have not been poisoned by such shows as the “housewives”.

    • #56 by Nilesh Sharma on February 26, 2014 - 1:37 pm

      Paul, I perfectly agree with your view. Society itself has stained the minds of women and they are more consumed with their appearance then keeping their family together.
      I got married and now i curse the very day when the thought of marriage came to my mind. It’s very hurting, even a men in the society don’t understand the trouble of a fellow men until and unless they get married or come across such a situation.

    • #57 by Anonymous on March 1, 2014 - 3:27 pm

      Nuff said..!!

  31. #58 by wrongjohn on February 1, 2014 - 5:03 pm

    imagine this article genderless.. it would be more powerful and gain more allies on both sides

    • #59 by khale on June 19, 2014 - 6:03 pm

      thank you

  32. #60 by Anonymous on February 1, 2014 - 1:39 am

    Thank you

    • #61 by jrl on February 1, 2014 - 10:57 am

      We love little comments like that -JRL

  33. #62 by Alvaro Moreno on January 31, 2014 - 9:20 pm

    This is awesome stuff. Really wish I could’ve read this a long time ago. Losing someone even just temporarily can real take you on a roller coaster if pain and sorrow. Defenetly worth the time reading this and this is something that I’m willing to have with me at all times for reference.

  34. #63 by Anonymous on January 30, 2014 - 7:05 pm

    I lost my one true love a year ago she was everything to me I loved her with every ounce of my soul and her and the amazing children we made lovingly together was my whole purpose in life I felt I belonged for the first ever time in my life she made me feel like I deserved the air that I breathed everyday and longed to be with her til my last breath takes me from this world I would have died in the blink off an eye to save her from harm and rip my heart from my body if she would have ever wanted me too she made me whole now I am just lost and feel empty never to feel whole again never to feel the warmth of her touch upon my face the softness of her lips to meet mine and feel the warmth of her rush through my heart soul body and mind so please to everyone out there don’t waste what special someone you have in your life treasure it and don’t be like me to never feel worth anything or loved ever again I wish everyday I could turn back time and be wanted but that can never be so i must wonder on lost forever more

  35. #64 by junZ on January 29, 2014 - 11:03 pm

    lol…. i just read all this pile of crap with a bryan adams song in my head.
    this only works if some lines haven’t been crossed yet. doesn’t apply to everybody i guess.

    some men are just way past the recovery stage.

  36. #65 by Betteroffsingle on January 29, 2014 - 1:17 am

    While the sentiment of the piece is admirable, altruism, taken to an extreme is damaging.

    My 18-year marriage ended because she simply lost respect for me and took me for granted. When I sensed problems in the marriage, she always said she was fine so they were just MY problems to deal with. So I did. Been divorced 9 years now, and if I had to do it all over again, I’d never have gotten married in the first place. I tell my sons and my daughter to avoid marriage, if they want to be truly happy.

    • #66 by Paul on February 9, 2014 - 1:47 pm

      Couldn’t agree more. When your wife doesn’t respect you it’s pointless to walk around and throw roses at her feet. No matter how much you do, it will never be enough, just move on and be glad you got rid of her.

  37. #67 by tips to save marriage on January 27, 2014 - 6:21 pm

    very wonderful post thnaks

    • #68 by knoxtn on February 12, 2014 - 12:05 pm

      Respect is earned not given! Did you “respect” your wife?

      • #69 by Jovan on February 17, 2014 - 1:59 pm

        I agree. One can’t demand respect. It is earned.

  38. #70 by FaceBook on January 24, 2014 - 3:03 pm

    after reading the women’s
    Comments-I had had enough after #17-‘Caroline’ is a man, people!!!!!

  39. #71 by photographer on January 20, 2014 - 8:55 am

    When I originally commented I appear to have clicked on the -Notify me
    when new comments are added- checkbox and from now on whenever
    a comment is added I recieve 4 emails with the same comment.
    Is there a way you can remove me from that service?
    Kudos!

    • #72 by jrl on January 20, 2014 - 9:05 am

      Hi Photographer, find your original comment and delete it. That’s the only way. If that still doesn’t work, try deleting all the comments you’ve made on this article. Receiving four emails every time sounds very frustrating. -JRL

  40. #73 by Sumit on January 16, 2014 - 10:55 pm

    We all need to feel & understand the meaning of this quote…

    Most people get married believing a myth that marriage is beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for; Companionship, intimacy, friendship etc … The truth is, that marriage at the start is an empty box, you must put something in before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage, love is in people, and people put love in marriage. There is no romance in marriage, you have to infuse it into your marriage. A couple must learn the art, and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising, of keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty.

    As per me..nothing other than EGO can let your relationship down. I know sometime u might find it difficult, but the day u will learn that it’s not difficult but challenging, you will live everyday as u never did ever..
    Love is in the air.

  41. #74 by Namewithheld. on January 14, 2014 - 10:28 pm

    I have been married for 17.5 years, we have our up and down momments and as time goes by there are frequents down momments that causing me pain, I feel that the relationship is in the process/progress of reaching it natural end date, not sure when it will be but I lack the will to hang on as time go by. Your article sounds very nice but I don’t think most of it practical.

  42. #75 by Steven Dimiris on January 12, 2014 - 10:33 am

    Signed divorce papers on New Year’s Eve this made me cry and. Feel like a loser

    • #76 by Hannah on February 6, 2014 - 10:13 am

      You can own your future and make choices for your heart and happiness. No doubt for those of us who have loved and loss, such profound and real words speak not just to our minds but to our hearts. And if ones heart is wounded by the inability to love someone you love and the misunderstandings that life brings us, then such an article is salt to our wounds.

      You can be happy, use those tears to shed your pain and grow into the person you wish to be.

  43. #77 by JoJo on January 10, 2014 - 2:03 pm

    Love is a verb. The hebrew word for it is actually “giving”.
    LOVE IS WHAT LOVE DOES.

  44. #78 by play games for girls on January 9, 2014 - 6:58 pm

    You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but
    I find this matter to be actually something which I think I would never understand.
    It seems too complicated and extremely broad for me. I’m looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!

  45. #79 by Anonymous on January 8, 2014 - 8:14 am

    This seems to me like a post written by a woman disguised as a man. We live in a world where mens needs and wants have been destroyed in the name of female freedom and liberation. Although I love and respect women I have noticed that women all over the world have become hostile and aggressive towards Thank you for your message. It is true what you say however divorcing is not that easy since she is supported by me financially. This means that she is not working and taking care of the child. This makes my decision even harder. I don’t think she loves me but she is not leaving either. I assume it is because she has no other other better options and she is somehow compromising, exactly as I do.
    Yes I do know that I should bail out but there are difficulties along the way. i will not see my child often, I will be the ones who gets blamed for leaving. I ave mixed emotions. Even I do want to leave i am thinking of my responsibilities as a father and my daughters future opinion of me as a father who abandoned her and her mother. i do recognize that leaving early is better than staying, but we don’t fight or have arguments. We just live in the same house and routine has taken over everything. needs and wants. It is somehow an unspoken global conspiracy against males walking this earth. Very well I understand where women are coming from but really do you think that by shooting at men makes you as a women a better person? women call men pigs but wait a second. Its nature that made men pigs and bitches who play with innocent boys turn men into pigs. Its the same nature that made women more sensitive and emotional. But who are you to judge the very nature of a man and his basic instinct for freedom, polygamy, free sex and self control? Really all women wish is to turn men into slaves. men of the world wake up and up rise against female tyranny all over the world. We live in a new world where metrosexuals, LGBT and questioning of human sexuality has taken a lot of our brain energy. Men need to reclaim their long forgotten needs for unlimited sex, freedom and power. It is a mans instinct to be a hunter, a breadwinner, a gatherer and a survivor. Women had denied their role as mothers in the name of freedom but found themselves in a trap by trying to replace men. When nature makes you a women learn your role and play the advantages of your sex. But denying the role of your sex only brings trouble.
    yes men also need to love and be loved but slavery is not an option.

    • #80 by PGail on January 8, 2014 - 11:06 am

      You really seem to have issues. What’s your deal? You don’t appear to be genuine and have trust issues. Especially where women are concerned. If it helps someone then it is pro marriage and positive rather than negative and damaging. It’s too easy to walk away. And so many people run! Catch up from the past since that’s where you are stuck. See the good and let the bad go. Resentment kills. We try to live without regrets and it’s not an easy world. Everyone lives a unique situation. Seeking help in any form is affirmation that one is trying. If you have utilized all you have and it’s a no go then you won’t have regrets. That’s not to say that the other partner won’t. You both have to give 100%. It can’t be done alone. Trust and full disclosure for your souls peace. Ask those who have done it! Cheers. P

    • #81 by Anonymous on January 29, 2014 - 12:54 am

      Read The Flipside of Feminism by Suzanne Venker. There are still women out there who value men as they were created. You’ll find one. Or have your wife read it.

      • #82 by Costas on January 30, 2014 - 7:19 pm

        I love women but when it’s over they do become hostile the fangs and claws come out I was married 171/2 years I. Signed divorce papers on New Year’s Eve we had 4 beautiful children I was close to them all now she is slowly turning the oldest ones against me I. Will never get married again

  46. #83 by PGail on January 7, 2014 - 9:14 pm

    It’s wonderful to share what he has learned. He couldn’t get it together with the wife. Hasn’t she been affected by it as well? It’s so sad when we don’t put the other person first and foremost. Some people care not for what they can do but would rather stew at what they “think” they don’t have. Thank you for being courageous and writing this article. You bear a lot of troth and a lot of angry people keep the anger so then they can never be happy again. Even in future relationships. In order for it to work it has to be lied tidied and let go of! You are courage sand it seems we all learn this the head way. I don’t want a divorce and yet my partner keeps threatening it. I hope he reads this. I’m at the point where I can’t hold on. And there nothing I can do. He doesn’t listen to me. I’ve said all this to him and he has attacked me of criticizing him. So maybe if he reads another mans view? What is a broken woman to do? Get better. I can’t make him or me happy. You mailed it. We make ourselves happy. You chose to be happy! So anyone blaming their partner. Look at yourself everyday and see what you did for your ,arriage! Sincerely. Thank you

  47. #84 by Lloyd's of Rochester on January 7, 2014 - 12:24 pm

    Reblogged this on Lloyd's of Rochester – an Eclectic blog and commented:
    Relationships – we want them, but do we have what it takes to maintain them? Here is some wisdom and insight to keep your marriage alive. Read and heed.

  48. #85 by check this out on January 6, 2014 - 4:59 am

    I like checking your internet site. thnx!

  49. #86 by Lou on January 3, 2014 - 9:01 am

    So this is saying. .guys its all your fault.

    • #87 by PGail on January 8, 2014 - 11:15 am

      „Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success.” Brian Adams

    • #88 by gl on March 1, 2014 - 2:53 pm

      Well said

  50. #89 by Ray on January 1, 2014 - 9:27 pm

    If this isn’t some article by a women masquerading as a man then this guy needs to grow a pair.

    Reading it, it sounds like he only blames himself. It wreaks of defeatism and self loathing.

    If I could give any advice to men, I would say this: Don’t try to change someone else, you can only control yourself. And finally: Love Often, Engage seldom, Marry NEVER.

    Marriage in this day and age is like signing a contract to screw yourself over because if you get divorced shell get at least half of your assets. And likely alimony and child support ( her pay check) even if it was her that ruined the marriage.

    Marriage is 1950’s and previous. It’s 2014.

    Men, reclaim your manhood, grow a pair and wake up to the times!

    Good luck.

    • #90 by Mary Gragg on January 7, 2014 - 5:35 pm

      People like yourself are the reason divorces happen. This is not a gender war. What he is saying can apply to the woman as well. It’s not about a power struggle or “growing a pair” . If anything this man sounds like he has a HUGE set considering he is looking within himself to find answers as to why his marriage ended. Perhaps it was not “all his fault’ however he is admitting what he would have done differently. He is taking responsibility for his actions and his future. He sounds like a true man. Unlike yourself who is still looking for his balls.

      • #91 by Dr Killpatient on January 15, 2014 - 6:24 am

        If it applies also to a woman, then why isn’t he pointing this out?

        He is publicly castrating and emasculating himself for everyone to see. This kind of behavior does not sound like a man and should not be tolerated by other men. Of course women like you will cheer him for behaving like D!ckless Wonder he is

        Only in La-La Land is one person to blame for a marriage coming to an end. His spouse should be made to bear the responsibility as well.

        Marriage serves the interest of women much more than it does men. Men give up a lot more freedoms than women do. And what little is left is taken from them by divorce courts and given to a woman. Mind you, between 70-90% of divorces are initiated by women. A man would have to be an idiot to get married in this time and age.

        Have we ever seen an article where a woman blames herself for the marriage coming to an end? NO. And we NEVER will, because women are incapable of this degree of self-criticism. It is much more likely to see women blaming the men for everything that happened to them.

        If he doesn’t stop blaming himself for everything that happened, he is setting himself up for another failure.

    • #92 by Anonymous on January 7, 2014 - 6:06 pm

      Nailed.

      • #93 by Serendwr on January 20, 2014 - 9:07 am

        Marriage serves the interests of the so-called ‘beta male’ far more than women. Only in a society which constricts women to the role of chattel do women require marriage. Monogamy and marriage serve the interests of the ‘beta’ male by guaranteeing him sexual access to at least one woman and, historically, control of all her assets financial, skills, child bearing, and so forth. The myth that marriage and monogamy serve women continues the manipulation that women should feel incomplete and incompetent if she isn’t part of a long term marriage contract, part of the ‘divide and conquer’ mentality.

      • #94 by Anonymous on January 29, 2014 - 10:14 am

        Someone hates men!

  51. #95 by Andrea Vibe on December 28, 2013 - 1:33 pm

    Beautiful. Rather than assigning blame, I’ve learned to take responsibility for my part as well. I would still be with my husband if I treated him like the Rock Star he deserves to be treated. I pray I don’t repeat the same mistakes.

    • #96 by JD on January 6, 2014 - 5:58 pm

      @ Ray – Err yes, it’s 2014 so why assume that marriage screws men over- women earn their own money these days and I know plenty of men that have screwed a woman for her assets! It’s a very 1950’s comment assuming that men have assets and woman are asset strippers via marriage!

      Ps you sound bitter – maybe nobody ever wanted to marry you!

    • #97 by Michelle on January 7, 2014 - 3:22 am

      @Andre:

      I will, nicely, part company with you. God commanded that we marry. God designed marriage and the family before He invented the church. God said
      that it’s not good for a man to be alone (and it’s not), that he should leave his
      parents and cleave to his wife, and that they should forsake all others.
      I can, off the top of my head, name 50 awesome marriages (young couples,
      middle-aged couples, elderly couples).

      Great marriages are God-centered.

      Talk to long-time Christians about their great marriages.

  52. #98 by Julius Caesar on December 26, 2013 - 8:34 pm

    Two reasons for me to remain single for life.

    I The advantages of being single are more attractive than the advantages of being married.

    II I am male but not attracted to any female homo sapien, regardless of race, figure, ethnicity, citizenship, skin tone, language or religion.

    Thank you for you time.
    谢谢观看。
    Vielen dank für ihre zeitgeist und achtung

  53. #99 by Joe Joeseph on December 25, 2013 - 11:23 pm

    This is directed at the man to make the marriage work. Sorry but it won’t work unless the woman does too.

    • #100 by Mary Gragg on January 7, 2014 - 5:39 pm

      The article was not intended to address women and what they can do. This is a man who is saying what he COULD have done. Take the article for what it is. A great man admitting his faults and committing to improve himself and hoping someone else will read this and do the same. ( male or female alike. ) everyone knows it takes two to tango deary. appreciate the article for what he wrote it for.

      • #101 by Shannon on February 19, 2014 - 8:36 am

        Thank you!!!! Why are people not seeing this! Your comment should be on the top as a disclaimer!

      • #102 by anonymous on July 20, 2014 - 12:36 pm

        Writing it from the man’s perspective only is like writing a recipe but leaving out key ingredients.

        Some women are reading this and going “a-ha, my man does not do this and that’s why our marriage failed or is failing.” Some commentators are showing this article to their husband and saying, “See, here is our problem.”

        A recipe for a good marriage require tremendous amounts of effort and goodwill by two parties. If you’re going to leave out half of the recipe, the end result in any endeavor will be a failure.

  54. #103 by Angela Mueller on December 21, 2013 - 2:59 am

    this is exactly what I’ve been trying to tell my husband of 27 years for 27 years and now I am leaving because he can’t hear me with his heart

  55. #104 by Jason on December 21, 2013 - 12:27 am

    Please read this article

  56. #105 by momshellalexandra on December 19, 2013 - 9:30 am

    Reblogged this on momshelllifestyle and commented:
    Beautiful Insight into Love.

  57. #106 by Anonymous on December 19, 2013 - 12:12 am

    Really interesting history learned alot👍

  58. #107 by rob on December 13, 2013 - 10:10 am

    I wish I had done this I lost my 12year relaship and 3kids because I didn’t realize how she feelt I allways trusted that she was happy as she looked happy we always appreciated each outher but now its gone.. been 5weeks now if I get her bak I remember wat I just read.. Cheers n hopefully u find wat u had be

  59. #108 by james on December 13, 2013 - 3:41 am

    I love your commentary. and I wish to have more posted to my Gmail Address. I am still single, but in a relationship with a girl where are relation has a problem of divorce! what will I do not to allow what happen to her parents to happen to us when we get marry.?

  60. #109 by Anonymous on December 12, 2013 - 5:34 am

    i wish all men could read this

  61. #110 by Karen Markey on December 11, 2013 - 11:39 pm

    I read the first few paragraphs of this in a friends post. Honestly I don’t have the time or inclination to read more. Based on what I read…Game playing is a waste of time, whether it be with a loved one, family or friends. Unless it is an enjoyed past time.Once trust is lost, it’s lost. Period! How many times are you suppose to re-trust someone? Sorry is not a popular word in my family. Our interpretation is “sorry I got caught.” (and you can use that for any problematic situation in your family, such as, gambling, abuse, lying, cheating, spending and so on). Most every action is done consciously. Life is too short, deal and move on. If someone in your life is not helping you and bringing you joy they are hurting you. That means they are a splinter to you. Remove them and move on! Have confidence in yourself, You do not need to be around people that put you down or don’t like you. (They are your splinter) You will never please people that don’t like you. Take away their power trip and write them off. No matter how hard you try, not everyone will like each other, that’s just human nature. So if you gave it the old college try and it’s still not working don’t feel guilty, feel good that you tried. There is only so much you can do before it becomes a write off! End it with the thoughts of “their loss.” because it is.!!!

    • #111 by Anonymous on December 13, 2013 - 11:55 pm

      that’s the truth!!

    • #112 by tyrannychronicles on December 15, 2013 - 11:18 am

      Wow, it must be great not make mistakes.

    • #113 by Anonymous on December 16, 2013 - 6:21 pm

      Everyone in my family both sides mother and father have been married all their lives. I’ve seen time and time again how my parents and relatives get close to divorce even move out but they all have always worked it all out in the end so what I know very well is people that follow through on their sacred oath “till death do us part” and so i have the advantage of comparing this to “everyone else” which I usually say to refer to modern society that unlike what I have grown to know “everyone else” simply packs up and leaves without second thought. It doesn’t work like that. But yeah without going too deep into comparing the differences between the two I’ll finish this brief comment with saying that you don’t say till death do us part under the oath of God unless you really mean it if not just move in together and be a couple have a couple babies and live under the same roof or separate roofs until you decide to move on because if you walk into the marriage already thinking of life as chapters in a book then all that marriage will be is just another chapter in the middle of the book with its own beginning and end.

    • #114 by Anonymous on December 16, 2013 - 10:52 pm

      Than you should take the words “hope and faith” out of your vocabulary also…
      Everyone makes mistakes even you… Learn to trust again but give it 100% this time and you will see magic will work itself to you.

    • #115 by T.Velez on December 21, 2013 - 12:28 pm

      I believe it’s too painful for you to hear. Maybe you are the person failing to adhere to the advice given?

    • #116 by Linus on February 18, 2014 - 8:48 pm

      Well put. I have only once had to deal with someone that was dishonest with me in a relationship. When she asked for forgiveness I said something along the lines of, “In time I will forgive you. However, while your infidelity MIGHT say something about our relationship, it speaks volumes about your integrity.” As soon as it came out of my mouth I looked around and realized basically what you’ve said above. Unfortunate I had to see that close up. Moving on.

  62. #117 by Julius Caesar on December 11, 2013 - 3:07 am

    This may sound very odd but …. Sex is boring. It seriously ain’t not fun at all !

  63. #118 by Julius Caesar on December 11, 2013 - 2:53 am

    I have taken vows of lifelong celibacy and chastity. I am not supposed to have that sort of relationship or get married even if marriage may be rewarding. I must honor my word otherwise it will be against my conscience. I may become a monk or priest soon.

  64. #119 by Anny on December 7, 2013 - 7:44 pm

    Nice advice. Thank you for sharing this great tip. Not all women are the same you know? Some women are cold but some are hot. That’s right. I don’t think every woman is the same as men. American women are very supportive to men which they don’t usually depend on their men. They let their men do freely what they want to do. An American girl is dependent so she won’t want to change his guy. She can leave the guy if she does not like or love him anymore. International women are usually submissive so they can change. American women are supportive but it is hard to make them change.

  65. #120 by Annika on December 4, 2013 - 12:35 pm

    everything I have done to him, he never satisfied, even I gave him the best I could give to my husband he always hurt my heart, and the end he runaway with another women, young and beautiful, he never consider me worth.

    • #121 by Nisa on December 19, 2013 - 4:37 pm

      Same here my marriage life is in hell after 16 years just because of another woman I did everything for him everyday he made me cry he told me to not to talk to my family I leave my family for him I never ask him where are you going ?what are you doing there ?I fully trust him . Just 4 weeks back I found him with another woman I still love him so much but I m so unlucky :(

  66. #122 by ericaligenza on December 4, 2013 - 10:08 am

    I really loved this read! I think it’s totally applicable to guys and girls alike…I can appreciate this tenfold. Thank you for unabashedly sharing your thoughts.

    Erica

    http://ericaligenza.wordpress.com

    LATEST POST: http://ericaligenza.wordpress.com/2013/12/04/when-you-think-youve-found-the-one/

  67. #123 by Conrald Eve on December 4, 2013 - 6:54 am

    i want to get my ex back get pass my breakup

  68. #124 by MW on December 3, 2013 - 7:19 pm

    James,
    Thank you for this, I wish I had found it years ago. I recently divorced after 11 years of marriage to a beautiful woman who loved me. I broke all of your rules every day and eventually I lost her love. I don’t know how I will forgive myself, but I hope more people read this and never take for granted the ones they love like I did.

  69. #125 by Vennah on December 2, 2013 - 8:13 am

    As i read about this i could only think of the love of my life’soldier boy’….unfortunately he married another.Things happen in funny way.It’s exactly 9 days after the wedding and i so much want to share this with him.Please email me a copy because despite everything,i want him to be the happiest man and things to work out for him.This would be so right for him.

  70. #126 by cars on November 28, 2013 - 1:34 am

    My spouse and I stumbled over here different web page and thought I should check things out.
    I like what I see so now i am following you. Look forward to looking at your web page
    repeatedly.

  71. #128 by DI on November 20, 2013 - 6:15 am

    Reblogged this on Children's Rights.

  72. #129 by Mia Amoure on November 20, 2013 - 12:36 am

    Reblogged this on MyPeachyMia and commented:
    I could not stop the tears from rolling down my checks while reading this. So much hope and so many dreams could have been kept alive if only my children’s father had been able to take this advice. From someone went from never wanting to marry, to being swept away in marriage, to struggling with the reality of marriage, finally giving up on it just so all the noise and drama would just end already, to now, looking back after a few years, I have seen all angles and perspectives. I don’t know if I could’ve changed him or the outcome by trying harder and doing things differently. Maybe if I would have followed this advice, we would still be together. Either way, I would at least know for sure that I did everything I could. I would not forever be wondering. I thought I had done all that I could but after reading this post, I just don’t know that I did.

  73. #130 by peter on November 18, 2013 - 3:44 am

    very very nice. its the best thing i have ever read. i would love to have a copy of that notice… please send me a copy so that i can read it every single day…

  74. #132 by Tina on November 17, 2013 - 1:56 pm

    Ur advice made me shed uncontrollable tears. (sobs) if only little attention could bee given to partners, a lot of broken homes wouldn’t have emerged. May God bless u and give reunite u both cus am sure ur wife might have read this. Or may God give u a 2nd chance to practice this awesome feelings and actions to another wife. Goodluck.

  75. #133 by anonymous on November 16, 2013 - 5:40 pm

    As a woman who has been married for 17 years (we’ve been together for 21), it breaks my heart to read this article. So sad. While it’s moving to see a man writing so tenderly about how to care for his wife, as a wife I recognize that it’s of paramount importance to take care of our husbands in this way, as well.

    While my husband and I have a pretty good thing going (and lately it has been *amazing*), it hasn’t been without our rough patches, some of which were extraordinarily tough. In truth, some nearly brought us to separation, or at the very least – emotional separation.

    The only thing I want to add (the result of some hard-earned wisdom) is to implore both husbands and wives to open their ears and REALLY hear what the other is saying. Not just listen….but HEAR (and if I could bold that and underline it a few times, I would…). If your spouse has been quietly and patiently telling you for years and years that a very specific thing you do (or don’t do) is causing slow-but-very-real damage to your relationship, be willing to change that thing.

    This is the one thing that came the closest to eroding my marriage to the point of no return…I’d been patiently and sincerely (and *respectfully*) asking my husband to stop doing something specific. No, maybe it wasn’t a life-threatening behavior (but it certainly could have led to a marriage-ending behavior), and maybe it made his life a little less “fun” to stop doing it…but it was something he could surely live without doing and it was making me question his integrity as far as the fidelity of our marriage was concerned, so, without going into details, suffice it to say that I was totally within the boundaries of “only make reasonable requests” of my spouse.

    So, for about 18 years I asked and asked and asked (not every day or anything, lol…but maybe 3 or 4 times a year or so – and then sometimes not for years at a time…but I would ask at times when this type of conduct was causing yet another problematic situation…)…and he continued, continued, continued. I asked him to stop face-to-face, I asked him in heartfelt letters, I asked him on Facebook (LOL!! – in private messages only), sometimes I asked him in sadness, sometimes I asked him in anger, and sometimes I asked him in tears!

    It finally came to a head recently when his, what many would probably consider not entirely unacceptable behavior, created a situation where it looked like he might be really be cheating or something, I pointed out to him how it looked when viewed as a whole and FINALLY he got it. FINALLY!! And then all of the sudden he was freaked and couldn’t believe how much this one aspect of his conduct had damaged my perception of who he was and caused me to sincerely, deeply question how much he loved me or cared about me or respected my feelings (especially since it turned out he really wasn’t doing anything particularly deal-breaking).

    And I was like, “I’ve been saying this for 18 freaking years!!”

    So now things are improving SO much on EVERY level of our relationship (and honestly, we’ve had many, many good stretches of time during our two decades together)….but I mean, he almost ruined our marriage over something so stupid and unnecessary. Because, I was to the point where I felt that if he really needed this bit of conduct in his life, then he could have it – but I wasn’t sticking around to endure the anguish and doubt created by it once the youngest of our children was grown (which is just a few years from now).

    So, my best bit of advice is to say…..don’t be thick-headed. When your spouse is saying the same thing over and over…HEAR it. And if what you’re being asked to do, or *not* do, feels inconvenient or unfair to you (because you’re acting like a big, fat, selfish baby), think about what you’d rather lose…the bit of conduct you’re being asked to change, or your entire marriage. Because, you can have either one…but in many cases, you’re not going to be able to hold on to both.

  76. #134 by Kay on November 13, 2013 - 10:41 pm

    I read ur article and I do wish that all men think like u.

  77. #135 by joyce on November 13, 2013 - 6:16 pm

    After reading this, I think I had a different reaction than most, and some of the most emotionally intelligent men that I know encouraged me to write the woman’s corollary, for a male audience.

    Many men were infuriated by the article, and to the male readership who did not stumble upon the article unassisted, I have two messages: first, an apology on behalf of any women who pounced on the opportunity to adopt a shiny new wishlist, and made sure you took notice, be it in your inbox, on your desk, posted in your Facebook feed, stuck to your fridge, or laid on your pillow. I doubt the author meant for his words to be abused in this way. Second: men, it *doesn’t* all rest on you. Both people need to take 100% ownership and I believe there’s an equally tall list to be directed at women wanting the faintest chance at being the recipient of the kind of love described in that letter.

    When I read the list, I felt compelled to reflect on my own experiences and mistakes over the same sixteen years, and I was inspired to write the woman’s corollary. Like him, I don’t claim to be a relationship expert. I am far from it, but after seven epic failures including two ending in court, I think I’ve accrued a few pointers that I would offer to the me of sixteen years past, and I wanted to share the letter I wrote myself in case it resonates with others. I know if I had practiced half of this I might have saved myself a few rounds of serial monogamy, or at least left fewer hearts in my wake.

    Ten points:

    1. Love him inside out. Stop evaluating him against a laundry list of checkboxes. It’s not about who he is or what he’s accomplished. It’s about why he is and what continues to shape him. Get to know these things. Take any characteristics that could be read from his drivers license or his resume and drop them for a minute. It’s fine for these traits to earn him extra credit admiration points, but what remains when they’re stripped away is what I’d hope you’re in love with. This is the essence of him. No badges, stripes, degrees, or supplemental initials required. A checklist doesn’t make a man. Love him from the inside out, not from outside in.

    2. Stop trying to change him. If he’s let you underneath the hood to reveal his core, you’ve earned a privilege and inherited a responsibility. He’s opened himself up so you can embrace what’s inside, not remodel it. So allow him the space to just be. Find ways to adjust your own habits and preferences to accommodate his tendencies. Learn to fully accept everything he is despite your initial inclinations. You don’t need to like something to accept it. Open your mind and your heart will follow. Allowance, accommodation, and acceptance will lead to appreciation, and ultimately to admiration. Love him as he is, not for what you think or wish he could become.

    3. Take care of yourself. He’s with you because he’s found you attractive. Both inside AND out. There’s no need to be camera-ready at all times, but have the discipline for basic maintenance. Stay in shape. Be presentable. Don’t force his imagination into overdrive to recall the woman who caught his eyes that very first time. At whatever age, give him a reason to be proud to point you out across the room and say “yup that’s my wife!” Take care of yourself on the inside too. Find the activities that enliven your inner spirit. Seek out the girlfriends that provide emotional support. Identify outlets for venting frustrations. Lean on him where he’s your best suited pillar, but don’t expect him to meet your every need; no one person can do that. Take responsibility for self-care.

    4. Make space. Know that he needs time off, both with you and FROM you. Be available as a playmate – a ready companion for recreational activities you both enjoy, and be available as a life mate – ready to hold down the fort with a cheerful sendoff as he drives off for a weekend with friends or takes a retreat of solitude. Take time off together, time off apart, and time off with others. Respect that his friends and family are part of him and don’t impinge on or expect to replace them. Make space for them too, free from judgments. Leave latitude. Don’t smother. Lay off. Make space.

    5. Join him sexually. Let the walls down. Lose the rules. Be ready to receive, open to explore, and willing to rewrite the playbook. Be an active and enthusiastic participant. Tell him how he can own you, and let him carry you away. Envelop him in your softness and femininity. Ask him about his fantasies that you can fulfill together, and make certain he knows he’s the only object of yours. Be willing to be vulnerable and trust him to honor your body and guard your sex life from unwanted externalities. Savor him, and join him in charting a sexual journey that is uniquely your own.

    6. Stop keeping score. Your scoreboard isn’t the same as his anyway, so keeping tabs is a waste of energy that will only leave you feeling resentful, him feeling unappreciated, and both of you shortchanged. Your life together is not a negotiation. You’re on the same team, and as such, there is no quid pro quo. Choose to be grateful; there is no gesture too small to warrant notice and no kindness too insignificant to extend. Make concessions freely, with no strings attached. Absorb transgressions with grace, not vengeance. And as you recall the past, allow revisionist history to work in your favor. Nobody is ahead… you’re in it together.

    7. Be his biggest fan (and make sure he knows it.) Celebrate every victory, big or small, and be an eager repository of past wins. Show support by being a partner in problem solving, a nonjudgmental sounding board for off-the-wall ideas, and an active feedback mechanism for processing daily trials and tribulations. Make space to absorb losses. He may fall short of a goal of his, but make sure he knows he hasn’t failed you. Like a finely calibrated locker room coach, know when to encourage, when to push, and when to stay silent, but cheer him on – unconditionally.

    8. Don’t make him guess. He’s not privy to the conversations occurring in your head. Don’t expect him to be a mind-reader or to “just know.” Set aside pretense and pride; just be vulnerable and voice your feelings nakedly and gently. Make your world an eggshell-free zone into which he can safely enter, so he doesn’t have to guess at what is or isn’t happening in there.

    9. Drop the expectations. Both of him and of your relationship. If you’ve got a vision in your head of how he “ought to” treat you, talk to you, or love you, and you’re constantly testing him against your bars, then you’re the one that’s failed. At all the aforementioned points. Expectations by nature are selfish and unfair. At low levels they suffocate appreciation, and when unrealistically high they invite disappointment, creating fodder for resentment and contempt. So drop the demands, the comparisons, the judgments, the if-only’s, and learn to appreciate what is.

    10. Never get lazy. Never take him for granted. He’s choosing to be with you every day, so respect that, and enjoy your time with him. No matter what you think his behavior may warrant, talk to him as you would your best friend – not your child, not your staff, not your parents. This means leading with kindness, egality, and acceptance. Work to love well. Every minute, every day.

    This is not meant as a comprehensive guide, and certainly doesn’t cover what i’d consider to be the basics of human to human interaction. It’s just a collection of challenges and lessons i’ve come across over sixteen years of committed relationships and eight years of marriage. I’ve recorded them as a reminder to myself, recognizing that i’ve still got time to get it right. And so do any of you reading this.

    Before I invite the same criticism as Gerald’s letter elicited, let me acknowledge that yes, this IS written as a one-sided guide. Because, ladies, this isn’t about you, or getting what you want. This is about him, and giving him what he needs. (That said, master this art and see if it doesn’t reap you rich rewards).

    • #136 by G on November 14, 2013 - 8:02 am

      Well stated and very much appreciated.
      Thank you.

    • #137 by Anonymous on November 20, 2013 - 11:05 am

      Yes yes yes!!!!that is an awesome eye opener for some women.

      • #138 by joyce on November 26, 2013 - 1:58 pm

        thanks – i have yet to get a female reaction as I sort of shared with a male readership in mind (ironic but true); appreciate you taking the time to read!

    • #139 by Aaron on November 22, 2013 - 9:31 pm

      Absolutely brilliant. Thank you so much for writing that. You’re awesome!

    • #140 by TVZ on November 25, 2013 - 7:45 pm

      As a 26 year old, young man, I thoroughly appreciate this vantage point being offered. With my whole being, I feel that both “articles” (in quotes because this is a response article) are valid both ways (but acknowledge they are for specific sexes for obvious reasons). Thank you both for your contributions…very well put. Joyce – from “younger” to “older” – I have a momentary crush. :)

      • #141 by joyce on November 26, 2013 - 2:01 pm

        hey watch it TVZ… not sure how i feel about being called “older” ;) but thanks for the kind words and i’m glad you’re reading this stuff so early in life!

    • #142 by Anonymous on December 7, 2013 - 6:53 pm

      And by this you have done exactly what you said not to do in your article…create a laundry list, judge. The original article above was powerful because it came from someone who realized how he should’ve acted differently. YOU created a list for someone else to fulfill YOUR wants/desires. And this is coming from someone with multiple relationships that didn’t work out. Their actions might not be the problem. This was not written in love but in angst. #angst

      • #143 by joyce on December 13, 2013 - 4:08 am

        hm. yes, perhaps written in angst. and maybe it wasn’t clear that i’m writing this as a woman, from a woman’s perspective, about what i know i should have done for my male partner(s), as a woman, giving myself advice to the woman i was. hope that’s clearer now…

    • #144 by Ellen on December 8, 2013 - 7:57 pm

      why is this not the women’s response to this article? this is much more well-put than the one listed above under the article

      • #145 by joyce on December 9, 2013 - 4:14 pm

        thanks Ellen :) …probably because it’s James’ blog, not mine, and he’s been gracious enough to just allow me to comment here. glad you stumbled upon it, appreciate the kind words, and thanks for reading

    • #146 by Stephanie Ann Remy on December 11, 2013 - 7:58 pm

      I kind of thought it went without saying that nearly the reverse was true for women.. A wise man once said to a young man who had a huge list of what he desired in a wife-to-be, “what makes you think that a woman with these attributes would be interested in you?” I’ve always thought the same of any woman who is interested in finding the perfect man. Work on your own attributes and be the person who attracts the person you are attracted to..

      • #147 by joyce on December 13, 2013 - 4:11 am

        very good point. i do believe that men and women differ in their needs, so there are nuances that aren’t completely mirrored.

    • #148 by Pelton E on December 12, 2013 - 7:23 am

      Wow, I was looking for a woman’s response to this letter that was given to me by my ex-wife and this is exactly what I was looking for! Mr Roger’s letter was one sided and made some assumptions that this was going to keep a marriage healthy but he didn’t offer anything regarding the woman’s point of view. How could he? He was writing about what he knows.

      Joyce, thank you for this insight as I know I, you and Mr. Roger’s know marriage is a commitment between two and it can’t just be one sided.

    • #151 by Anonymous on February 19, 2014 - 1:55 pm

      He feels he has sacrificed a lot for me en that I have taken him for granted en Ihave but I am still wit him we hav two beautiful kids thru da Grace of God
      How do I express my love I also have the trust issues as I hav a strong inclination that there is someone how do I we r married for 15 years

    • #152 by Robert on March 31, 2014 - 2:54 am

      …thank you.

  78. #153 by Caroline on November 12, 2013 - 4:49 am

    Reblogged this on Successful Relationships and commented:
    Lovely advice on how to make a mariage work

    • #154 by joyce on November 13, 2013 - 6:12 pm

      I love that this blog continues to enjoy traction three months later, especially today when the average life span of a tweet is 2 hours.

      • #155 by Caroline on November 13, 2013 - 6:59 pm

        Very true!!

  79. #156 by Anonymous on November 9, 2013 - 12:11 am

    If only my husband had followed that advice, we’re still married going on 4 yrs. this Jan. being separated( married for 17 yrs. going on 18 in June)…talked about and agreed on divorce , we are now talking but as a friend of the family..(no matter the situation he will always be my children’s father), we joke and actually talk but no love from me, that can’t be changed, he lost that when he cheated with a friends sister-in-law(and countless flirtation with women friends in front of me) have forgiven him but I lost being in love and trusting him… I also blame myself because I kept quiet and never let him know how I felt when he did his flirting…I understand and acknowledge what happened but this advice is helpful for those who need it… thank you for posting this…

  80. #157 by mike,d on November 8, 2013 - 7:35 pm

    I was divorced from my wife of 17years and I will never be able to find the best way of saying that I am so sorry about my life and the other things I did to destroy the only person who is love and my only friend now that I have lost her I just wanna say thank you for being the best friend and most of all my lady goodbye my wife I hope you have a great future and I will never forget you and all the love you provided take care. Sarita you live in my head and heart forever and my daughter was a great gift that nothing will ever replace.i miss. You girls so,so much and will live with. The fact that I did u girls wrong and can’t find a way to make it better for u guys. But hopefully god will send you two whatever I lacked as a man and I will accept it with respect and love.i failed at my opportunities and must surrender my family to possibly another person. So sorry love forever,,,,,Mike.D 1972

  81. #158 by P on November 5, 2013 - 7:13 am

    Very helpful

  82. #159 by Lost on November 5, 2013 - 1:55 am

    I have been divorced a year and a half. We were together 12 years and married almost 5. He was great in the beginning and then it drastically went downhill. We have an 8 year old son. He had an affair and I filed for divorce immediately. I do not trust easily. I was doing everything while he did nothing. I stayed in the marriage my last 3 years because of my children. He has two sons that I raised as my own and I have another son he raised since he was 6 weeks old. Their lives had been hell and I didn’t want them to lose something else. They knew what had happened and told me they knew I wasn’t happy and I could leave him. So I did. He stayed with the woman he had an affair with who had also been married. Everything I ever wanted from him he gave to her. Now they are split up and I’m the one he calls. If he could have only read this maybe things could of been different.

  83. #160 by Mikael on November 4, 2013 - 8:38 pm

    I like the article and I agree. I am getting divorced after 17 years of marriage and it is really sad. However, one must know that hhe good advice cannot always be followed, even if you want to. I was married to a verbal abuser and I feel I really tried everything, especially forgiving and giving. At the very end I now give up. Never thought I would but I can’t take it any more, neither can the children. Just sad.

    • #161 by Lost on November 5, 2013 - 2:56 pm

      My ex was a verbal abuser as well. I can totally understand. I handed him to the other woman on a silver platter warning both of what was coming up for them and left. Up until 3 days ago he finally saw I was right and cried and apologized to me. After I left he bashed me on Facebook for everything he had done wrong but all that knew him knew the truth so I never responded. Now he says he doesn’t remember doing it. And when my mother finally sees him and explains the facts of life he sees the error of his ways. Go figure.

  84. #162 by Julius Caesar on November 3, 2013 - 4:02 am

    I quit thinking about getting married. It’s over and out.
    I’m going to enjoy what I like for the next few decades and spend forever in oblivion.

  85. #163 by jen on November 1, 2013 - 10:39 pm

    Wow. ..very humble and powerful. Thank you for stepping up.

  86. #164 by whaleabie on November 1, 2013 - 11:58 am

    Reblogged this on God's perfect plan and commented:
    i like this:
    “You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.”

    “It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.”

  87. #165 by Collins on October 30, 2013 - 6:44 am

    Beautiful advice and words that should go both ways . . . For both the man and the woman in a relationship

  88. #166 by Zaza on October 29, 2013 - 4:51 pm

    Wow. Just wow. I’m not married but one day when I do get married, I truly pray for a man who will treat me this way. Especially because I’m the type of person who just gives and gives of myself, trying my all to please the man I’m with (that being boyfriend) so I know that I tend to get taken advantage of at times. But I know, I have faith, that I will marry a man who will love me this way

  89. #167 by Sad mom to be on October 29, 2013 - 4:23 pm

    All these things are just fake..no body is so nice no man is so nice..its my first year of marriage and i am expecting. I get no care or love from my husband when i need it the most..all the pain i am going through he doesnt cuddle me or kiss me..he takes my pain indifferently..he very well knows i love him and i think he takes it for granted..at the end of the day all a woman needs if not love is some respect. If the man she loves so much she can die for cannot even give that then happiness is just a dream..when i see couple around me happy and cuddling eachother i feel very jealous i feel very heart broken and i just want to cry..that what have i done..i believe those woman are very lucky and rare too who get a caring and loving man because at the end of the day if shes a giving and loving person thats all what she needs to complete her life.

    • #168 by Anonymous on October 30, 2013 - 1:15 pm

      Same here

      • #169 by John on November 1, 2013 - 2:08 pm

        Ladies those men are out there and some suffer just as you do. Unfortunately some people (mostly women) have an innate quality to realize so much without going through pain. Men, on the other hand, seem only to achieve an epiphany after hitting rock bottom. I realize this isn’t the case but we all know this to be mostly true. I am in a relationship where I treat my wife like an absolute queen. She doesn’t receive it well and it breaks my heart. I’ve made a few small mistakes in the past but she makes me relive it so often that I feel her boitterness and anger is slowly tearing us apart. I love her dearly but dont know how much longer I can handle this. – From a man that has become the husband this author writes about.

      • #170 by G on November 1, 2013 - 3:46 pm

        My wife once told me that she is incapable of loving me the way I love her. This bothered me for a while until I accepted it and started loving her in the same way. Now she asked me if there is another woman. It gets confusing and at times seems like a game which bothers me because I didn’t get married to play games however I realized that if I continued to give the way I was giving in the beginning it wasn’t doing any of us ny good because my problem was I was expecting the same in return from a person who does not have the depth of love vested into the relationship. I had to learn to get over my romantic ideal of the type of marriage I expected to have. I’m here for her if she needs me… beyond that the ball is in her court.

    • #171 by Jackie on November 1, 2013 - 7:54 pm

      Sounds like your husband might be autistic.

  90. #172 by anonymous on October 29, 2013 - 12:54 am

    Too bad not all husbands would ever come close to even thinking of doing these things. Mine is so good choosing the worst places and times to fight at. If it is late at night he threatens to leave when im arguing back to something he started. Two wrongs don’t make a right I know. . And im not at all perfect but ive told him plenty of times that he shouldn’t leave the house in the middle of an argument but rather stay home and solve it with me or wait it out. Anyways guess im sleeping with the baby tonight.

  91. #173 by Pain is Love on October 28, 2013 - 8:46 am

    Wow I’m a guy sitting here with tears in my eyes reading this letter and y’all comments.. Everything he is telling not to do in a marriage I made these mistake and everyday I pray one day The Lord up above will bring my wife’s heart to understand I was young and never understood what a marriage really is but pain is the best teacher and when you lose something so beautiful as your wife’s heart it’s a strain on you like u can never I mean never get over. Well I believe in GOD not human words so I will never give up on us and maybe one day we can return to glory and oh if that day comes, I will drop to my knees and give him all the praise!!!!!!

    • #174 by John on November 1, 2013 - 2:11 pm

      Amen brother. I am going through the same thing. Not sure what to do.

    • #175 by Anonymous on November 11, 2013 - 9:24 am

      Beautiful!

  92. #176 by Anonymous on October 27, 2013 - 3:30 am

    I really wanna divorce while my husband seem not the one I knew since last 9 years . But v just married one year . I found that I didnt love him at all now just only the pity ness

  93. #177 by Kathleen on October 25, 2013 - 5:22 pm

    Wish my husband of 18 yrs would have done just some of those thing’s..over the past 3 yrs it has come out that he has had several emotional affairs .and throughout our first 15 yrs he was rarley nice to me.he often was verbally abusive. .my fault I stayed and niw to dd salt to those choices wounds he was always gad workwife everyone knew except me…I am so angry at myself I lost 18 yrs of possibly being treated better..I sit here crying & crying!!

  94. #178 by deep on October 25, 2013 - 6:27 am

    if a man does so and so in spite of his wife becoming so and so, then the man comes under the category of dog and not human. :p

  95. #179 by Sky on October 24, 2013 - 2:42 am

    This is sad but yet beautiful. Thank you for sharing!

  96. #180 by Anonymous on October 22, 2013 - 9:59 pm

    this was interesting however I do have to say that it would be nice to read the story intended for women and what they should do to keep their mans heart intact. It places a lot of emphasis on what a man needs to do and creates a ‘promise of expectations’. You can do all of this but without reciprocation and a mutual understanding to accept and consider each other it becomes nothing more than a beautiful story. The unfortunate reality is that with the multitude of personalities that exist there are as many potential outcomes to this recipe for success. How long can someone give selflessly without expecting some form of reciprocation? We people, by design, suffer from something called EGO. This can be both positive and negative in that if it is not controlled by reason it can become detrimental to ones perspective on life but on the other hand can prevent one from being manipulated and abused by the many flawed people we all are and coexist with in this life. The romanticized hollywood-esque stories have permeated and proliferated the psyche of people and have created unreasonable expectations in most people which has prevented them from truly understanding what a lifelong union means and requires. “I will honor and protect your heart as you must do with mine for this to work.”. Good luck and GOD bless

    • #181 by Anonymous on October 26, 2013 - 10:17 pm

      You read my mind.great insight

    • #182 by lou on October 28, 2013 - 10:27 am

      Its written by a man about his own experience and what he has learned. If he wrote about what a woman should do then that would just by another guy talking about something someone else should be doing. Its basically a list of things hes wants to remember so next time he doesnt end up losing what he values most.

    • #183 by Anonymous on October 28, 2013 - 12:12 pm

      Thank you. Very well written.

    • #184 by Anonymous on October 28, 2013 - 5:03 pm

      Well said.

  97. #185 by Julius Caesar on October 22, 2013 - 11:41 am

    I notice that girls who have a crush on me will avoid me like a burning oil tanker.

  98. #186 by Celina on October 22, 2013 - 9:56 am

    i read this and it brought tears to my eyes its very deep. It truly values a marriage whereas we live in a time when its all lust and no value for a beautiful relationship such as marriage between two people who truly are one body and soul. They love, understand and respect one another. I pray i find someone who feels the same as this.

  99. #187 by Ja Lugod on October 22, 2013 - 3:09 am

    Wonderful! One thing more, put God in the center of your relationship and He will remind you of everything written here! Have a blessed day :)

  100. #188 by Joel Thompson on October 21, 2013 - 7:25 pm

    I have been married for 16 years and i am so grateful i did. I have learned so much that i have become a much better person. One thing i would add is to always keep communicating. Couples need to understand each other as after all we are all different and will have different expectations

  101. #189 by heaven on October 21, 2013 - 12:17 am

    I really liked your article. So much that I sent it to my ex-husband that I promised myself not to talk again. I truly loved a man once that is not what he claimed to be. I was in a 2 year relationship and little more than 1 year married with him but it was the most horrible year of my entire life and any person’s life. He was a very abusif man, he had some sort of trauma growing up in his life, or he has a mental illness, not sure which, but he didn’t love me, it was more like an obsession, I was more like his personal security, something for him, something he didn’t have, where he allowed himself to do whatever he wishes with me. I was also a very vulnerable person as I didn’t really have anyone, and I really wanted to be in a relationship. I thought I was going to live a brand new life and be happy with a loving husband.
    When I left the house for good because I could’nt take it anymore, he couldn’t care less, he didn’t even talk to me once after this!!! Can you imagine? I’m leaving the house, I’m asking for divorce, I’m telling him that this is it I’m gone, I won’t be with him anymore, and he just answers me well well well, I’ll give you what you want. And that’s it, that’s all. He never looked back and he didn’t care, didn’t bother to speak to me once, apart from telling me the meeting for the notary. I’m very glad and happy that I left, still alive at least, but it hurts me so much to imagine that there are human beings out there that are soo black hearted, soo bad. Especially that I chose the hard way of staying with him and trying to help him when he was abusive/violent towards me, and he took the easy way out when I asked for divorce. God knows how much efforts and harmony I brought to our married life. But just to say, yes there are very bad men outside, but trust me, even those kind of men are competely destroyed when their wives leave them, and to tell you even more than any otherperson. They probably look at this and say hell ya that’s how I should be in their hearts, but their ego will never let it pass into actions. It hurts because I truly loved him, and I can’t imagine myself on a shoulder of someone else and I think of all the good and great moments we had together when he was “normal”. I don’t want to do the first steps obviously, i want to let him be a man, but I think I’m just waiting for a ‘nothing’ to arrive and this hurts more. I’m also very frustrated because it took from him so little efforts to change, come back together, but he refused, its what we call the “immovable men”. I know I’m out of this relationship because God loves me but sometimes your emotions carry you when you feel lonely. I hope my next lover will read this article before getting married, because truly the sucess of marriage is when there is real love (not fake, not obsessive) and respect among each spouse equally. And if you feel a lack from either sides, then it’s time for you to search for a new plan. It can be hard and it can be painful, but divorcing or seperating hurts much much more you can trust me on this.

  102. #190 by Daniel W. on October 19, 2013 - 8:34 am

    This is one of the BEST advice to men on keeping their women. Especially points #1 and #3. We (as men) should NEVER stop courting our wives and should always keep the relationships fresh by always courting our ladies.

    • #191 by Varadhan Iyer on October 21, 2013 - 9:44 am

      Hello friend, If you read my real story you may not suggest this, I got married in 1995 November 11 (09.1.1995) , ours was an arranged marriage as perIndian/South Indian Hindu + Brahmin tradition, We are going to get divorce on 23.10.2013 My wife never told me that she was in love with somebody for several years even though she is educated, postgraduate & also a teacher qualified as M.Ed, Mcom (which now means to me meaningless Education Missing common sense). When our child, a daughter, was born in 1996 or even after she met her lover in 2000 she could have told me that she could not forget him and she wants to marry him On the contrary she introduced him to me during Jan 2000 as her family friend and he has some family problems , his wife is arrogant, always quarrelsome & he has some problems of court case too and I never had a slightest doubt on her or him allowed him to stay with me as he had no place to stay……but later on slowly I came to know about the trutonly I received some photos of my wife and her lover kissing each other mouth to mouth and also a greeting card written with words which only lovers write. I tried to make her understand but such ladies of stubborn nature (in wrong way) do exist in all societies, Now I think this is my Karma

      • #192 by CleinG on October 27, 2013 - 3:11 pm

        I’m sorry to hear your situation and empathize with your pain. Do you still love your wife? I have been in my worst relationship problem and this site http://www.getyourexbackeasy.net helps me a lot to get things back on track with my fiance. I hope this well help you as it helps me. Good luck.

  103. #193 by brenda on October 18, 2013 - 9:34 pm

    if u can stop the divorce….DO! I left my husband in 1999 for another man becuz my husband and I became “roommates”. Instead of working on it, I left. I miss him more every passing day. I will be back with him soon! Biggest mistake I ever made! Don’t end up like me!

    The Karma of fucking over a good perosn Is the asshole you end up with

  104. #194 by Jelena on October 18, 2013 - 7:04 pm

    I was married for almost 14 years and married to the love of my life.
    After 10 years of separation and 8 years of divorce I have never stopped thinking of my former husband. I ended our marriage in the hope that he would find help due to ongoing serious health issues. I never stopped loving him and I totally agree with James blog about focussing on the love component of your relationship with your spouse. James is 100% percent correct about everything he has contributed in expressing his advice to couples who are willing to save their relationship / marriage.

  105. #195 by Nizet Angulo on October 18, 2013 - 1:12 am

    SPEECHLESS!!!!!!! :-),, ,

  106. #196 by Justin on October 17, 2013 - 3:18 pm

    Yesterday my wife came home from work and seemed really depressed. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she felt we’ve drifted apart. We’ve been together for 5 years and got married after doing deployments away and having plenty of time together too. I separated from military service in 2012 and we had our daughter shortly after. But since we’ve had our daughter we haven’t truly had much time to be together romantically. She is 15 months now but my situation has complicated even more; before, we could at least rely on a few family members to watch her occasionally, but we either felt bad that we had to ask that of someone and came home early, or just didn’t have the money to do the things we wanted to do. Now we moved to another state together because she got a new job and there’s pressure it feels on all sides; we don’t have a lot of time and due to the move, money is short. I decided to sell a few of my personal effects to get some extra money to make a date happen but the problem is that we have no one we trust to watch our daughter. Her family is close-but we just can’t trust them, they aren’t responsible enough. So here I am, she told me last night that she feels the romance has been killed between us and to be honest, I agree. The worse part of it is, now that I know there is a problem I want to fix it-but she said she wants to maybe take a separation…she feels that we’ve slipped into like a best-friends category and decided that until I can go to school in January, we should just remain in a separated friend-like status. In January I would attend a school about 10 hours away, so it would give us some space and maybe help to either rekindle our love or show us why we have become so broken in the first place. I know this all sounds so convoluted, but I really have no idea what to do and am completely lost. I considered taking the “love dare” but it won’t help much because we get along great. Seriously we don’t have many issues it’s just…the love is thinning and our spark seems to be fading fast-i don’t know if this is salvageable but I am willing to try so please if you have advice let me know! she said that she also has had a very low sex drive since she gave birth 15 months ago and feels bad that she isn’t that into it, but says that she feels like she’s holding onto me unfairly. I just have no idea what to do-this article is great, I’m just concerned on whether it’s too late or not.

    • #197 by Eric Palmer on October 17, 2013 - 5:40 pm

      No, it’s not too late. Take the Love Dare. But, keep in mind that love is not the equivalent of romance. Love goes deeper. Not saying that romance doesn’t have its place, it’s just not the same. Remember that love is a choice. Drifting apart is easy to do. A life filled with regrets of what could have been had you both stuck it out is more painful, especially when kids are involved. It’s good that you can both talk about it. I sincerely pray that you too can overcome this speed bump in your relationship. After 20 years I know that persistence, forgiveness and gratitude are great tools in the marriage kit.

      • #198 by Justin on October 17, 2013 - 9:05 pm

        Thank you all for the comments…I will watch our relationship closely and make sure that I am treating her the way I need to make her feel special again. I think that I’ve taken a serious backseat and I see now that I took her for granted. God help me, I really feel like I’ve been treating her terribly for so long and she deserves better. But you know what? I’m going to try my damnedest to make her feel like the beautiful, amazing woman I know she is. I’m not going to “make it up to her”, I am going to take it further because she deserves to feel like I am courting her the way I was when we were dating those years ago. Thank you so much for your advice, I really appreciate it all!

        -Justin

    • #199 by Eric Palmer on October 17, 2013 - 5:43 pm

      …also, separation is a very slippery slope. Went that route once and it ended in disaster.

    • #200 by Ness on October 17, 2013 - 11:36 pm

      Separation leads to divorce! Drifting apart is not a good reason to divorce. Having a small child is like slavery and it gets old and it gets tiring. Be more proactive in finding a sitter. I hate to say this too but she is probably depressed because baby has taken the number one role in the house or she still has baby blues and can’t shake it. Right now what she is really saying is “FIGHT FOR ME!” you can make her fall in love with you all over again. just start to woo her again and don’t give up even if she gets frustrated. Your wife is your priority, you are raising your child to grow up and move away someday and the person who will be left is your wife. Just don’t separate, you didn’t make vows to split when things got hard, you vowed to stick together through thick and thin. She is depressed but it’s not permanent, she feels disconnected, but its not permanent. Getting divorced and feeling regret for life is permanent. Splitting your home will be even more difficult than you imagine and your child will pay for it more than either of you two ever will. You make the decisions and your child pays the price and when you realize that you have guilt on top of regret. Consider that you give in instead of leaning in, how will you feel about seeing your wife with another man? How will you feel about that man being a parental figure in your child’s life? Another thing to consider is that men find it a lot easier to get into a relationship when they have a child than women do and she may have to face seeing you with another woman and having that woman be a parental figure in your child’s life. That woman may not love your children as much as you do or your wife does, she can even become jealous and make life difficult for your child or even push you to be uncooperative with your child’s mother so that it quells her fear of you leaving her for your wife. If you think it is difficult to find funds to go on a date and it is difficult to find a sitter now… you have no idea what a separation or divorce will cost you and she doesn’t either. As you might expect I am speaking from experience. I did the exact same thing your wife did. I was also angry and resentful. I felt that he didn’t love me anymore and I went about collecting evidence and it created a vicious cycle. I pushed him away, which made him react and then i reacted to his reaction and then he felt even more pushed away and i found more evidence. He actually began seeing another woman because I had stopped sleeping with him. This only increased my anger and resentment and was yet another thing i had stacked on my evidence list. I had been going to counseling and started taking anti depressants. I was asking him to come to counseling with me and he was leaving me friday through monday at home alone with our child. I got it in my head that if he really wanted to make this marriage work he was gonna stop looking for my approval, stop seeing this chick and start digging in instead of retreating, and I sure wasn’t gonna tell him that that was what I was needing cause then I couldn’t be sure that he was trying because it was what HE wanted. I have to say I was pretty difficult but I was angry for reasons to begin with. For all of my pushing I was really needing him more than I ever needed him before. Does that make sense? No it doesn’t but I was depressed and sure he didn’t love me. It wasn’t true he did love me I just wasn’t able to receive it because of an invisible illness. We tore down our marriage together and it has been 5 years since it started. He is now engaged to be married and i am still missing him and missing my marriage. I would give years off of my life to go back to the start of this and do everything differently. I still grieve and I can’t move on. Even for all of my pushing something inside me didn’t really believe we would actually divorce, but separating to “take a break” was the first step to divorce and I just didn’t realize it then. Don’t separate if you want to stay married. You guys don’t have a reason to divorce. She is depressed and maybe taking it out on you because you are what she has to lash out at. Depression is the worst reason to divorce. Don’t give up on her, she may be needing you more than ever. You have a tough job in front of you but that was what you promised when you married… for better or worse in sickness and in health….Depression is an invisible illness and you CAN help her out of it. Anyway better to try your best then to live with regret.

    • #201 by su on October 18, 2013 - 7:40 am

      I have been where you are now, but I have also been where your wife is too. In my case I had been a little low since the birth of our child and I was just overtired and everything looked bad to me. I couldnt see anything good at the time, so I more or less said the same to my husband, but honestly didnt mean it really, it was just how I felt at that time, I wasnt thinking straight and once I was I realised how much I loved my husband. All it took was him being super loving and caring and basically making me feel special and cared for again, to remind me. We too had little money and no babysitter so he just did things like a surprise candlelit dinner all set up in the kitchen when the kids had gone to bed, having a lovely bubblebath together. just cuddling up on the sofa with a bottle of wine, some chocs and a film on an evening. It really made a difference to me, but you will know what sort of things your wife would like.
      On the other hand my husband came home and said something very similar to me a couple of years ago and eventually I found out it was because he had become emotionally involved with someone at work. We are still together but it took some hard work and I had to move fast to stop him going past the point of no return. If either of the situations apply it is not too late, perhaps suggest some marriage counselling, but you need to get to the bottom of why she feels like this. on this occasion I would have a little discreet look at her phone, email if you can get access. just to rule it out.
      I found out from my husbands mobile phone bill as he had deleted all texts to the other woman.
      Good luck, I really wish you the best x

    • #202 by Anonymous on October 18, 2013 - 8:41 am

      I have been married for 25 years this year. I’m sorry to hear about this. The first thing that comes to my mind after reading your article is whether there is more going on with your wife? If what you said above is all there is to your story, and your wife has suggested separation I feel that she has taken an extreme measure. What has she done on her part to improve your romance? Has she tried and failed and this is the last leg?
      To me sounds like she is on her way out. But you know her better. If so then you will lose her completely the moment you go on separation. Try to stay together and work on your romance.

      Lastly, I would suggest you some careful investigation. This could only be a tip of the an iceberg.

    • #203 by Andrew on October 18, 2013 - 6:35 pm

      Justin, I feel for you brother. I recently went through a very similar situation. If you’re willing, I think I might be able to help. If you’re interested in at least talking to someone who has been where you are please email me aj brown 360 @ gmaildotcom. I only write it like that so no one can search my email and this pop up lol.

    • #204 by Khina on October 20, 2013 - 11:26 pm

      If i were u i would not leave her or go far away from her. I would hold on and be around her as much as possible. and start pleasing her like i have never done before. Ask her what things ithat she wants me to do and do those things wholeheartedly and show her more love like never before. need more help call me from this number: 1 816-516-7328.

    • #205 by Brittany C on October 21, 2013 - 5:37 pm

      Not too late!! I’m screaming inside as I read this! My husband and I had similar issues and situation. I let the separation go on and on and then we even followed with a divorce. Finalized on our 7 year wedding anniversary. After 10 years of being together and 2 amazing babies. Here I am…sitting in his living room. 5 months after the divorce- trying to rekindle our relationship because We do and did love eachother, If only we had tried more we wouldnt have gone thru so much struggle- trying to avoid struggling in our marriage by divorce! If only he had read an article like this- if only I had!! Now we have issues that were not even in our marriage- as we both dated other people, and now have hurt and resentment to work thru, as well as trying to figure out if getting back together is the right thing for our whole family. Basically- FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!!! I regret not fighting harder for mine. Money being tight- I suggest pick her a handful of flowers- put one or a few in each room in a glass or vase. Do this every. Day. She will see it- and notice them adding up. She will see the little efforts. You put the baby down & have tea candles on the table when you’re eating/ even if its Mac n cheese! Write her little love notes. Leave them on her purse- in the bathroom on the mirror. Buy her- her favorite soda-or drink & put it in the fridge- wrap a bow- a string- whatever you have around it & use a sharpie and put a heart on it. Rub her back- with no intentions of sex. It will spark something in her, just lighting a little flame of touch. After having my son I felt the same way…it’s not just you ;) I’m just thinking these up as I go- but please fight for your marriage. You fell in love for a reason- that baby is more love in your relationship- I hope you’re able to love eachother fully and brand new. Not again :) renewed :) and as other replies have said. Separation is terrible for the marriage! I wish we would have done more together and not lived apart. Js

    • #206 by Anonymous on October 26, 2013 - 5:00 am

      After having a baby, women don’t feel attractive, which can lead to lower sex drive and obviously lower self esteem. Make her feel beautiful. Tell her how great she looks everyday. Make her feel like you are falling in love with her more everyday. You don’t need money or a sitter to court your wife still. Feed the baby dinner, while one of you gets the baby ready for bed, the other can cook a special dinner for the two of you to have aldult time. It doesn’t cost extra money because you both need to eat and it gives you a chance to focus on eachother. The next week, switch jobs, the other can cook, etc. The most important thing is to make her feel important to you. Once she starts feeling the love and connection you once had, everything else should fall into place.

    • #207 by CleinG on October 27, 2013 - 3:17 pm

      Eric is right. It’s not too late yet. I have many problems with my relationship with the woman i will be marrying soon, we always get back together and work it out. As long as both of you is willing then, the chance for both of you is still great. Luckily, i can always go back to this site http://www.getyourexbackeasy.net for advices that i need in my relationship. This helps me a lot while going through the worst of them all. I hope it can help you too. All the best.

    • #208 by Anonymous on November 3, 2013 - 4:26 pm

      Sometimes justin a woman’s low sex drive is due to not feeling good about herself- easy fix when ever u see her grab her butt, tell her she is pretty, compliment her silly faces she makes, laugh at her jokes, let he catch u staring at her… Promise u her drive will come back. Also don’t wait until late in the night to get it going having a young kid will make her very tired late in the night so get it going as soon as the baby falls asleep…Memba if u let her see u desire her she will want to desire u back all a woman Wants is to feel like she doig a good job raising your children that she still is pretty and that she is still the kne u think is hilarious and is so smart and fun to be with once she knows this it’s on for her you will have started up her engine again!!! Now take her down to sexy town because mentally knowing all that is fine but now put it to the physical so she can connect with u on al levels. Life is all about deep connections that’s the only thing that will matter In The end. Creating connections. Let her connect with u again xoxox best wishes love

  107. #209 by Julius Caesar on October 17, 2013 - 6:46 am

    I am never going to get married so I don’t need to know this. Anyway it’s pretty well written.
    Don’t seek a girlfriend in the first place. Use passive resistance to counter these heartbreaking meaningless romantic relationships.

  108. #210 by дети on October 17, 2013 - 5:03 am

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  109. #211 by Anonymous on October 17, 2013 - 12:59 am

    for me its a great & excellent view whereinthe vow of marriage is very important..i really like the page and the wisdom ..more power..by lita.m

  110. #212 by Rose on October 16, 2013 - 12:31 pm

    This goes both ways. I’m a soon to be divorcee, really regretting separating from my husband six months ago but now it seems it’s too late. If only I could go back a year or two and not grow apart the way we did. I’d take all this advice and apply it everyday and put more of an effort in to make it work the way we planned.

    • #213 by Grace on October 20, 2013 - 12:09 am

      It’s NEVER too late. What is 6 months compared to a lifetime of regret?

      It only takes you to rid youself of your ego, let your guard down, admit you want to try again and be better this time.

      Give it a shot, what do you have to lose?

  111. #214 by Aqsa on October 16, 2013 - 10:55 am

    My husbands got all good qualities the only thing that bothers me and forcing me to jus finish this relationship is that e never tells me anything and hides every little stuff from me thinks m stupid makes a fool out of me .. This honestly driving me mad every time .. I really don’t know what to do .. Should I jus stop caring and asking because it’s clear he doesn’t want to tell anythin regardin our finance or anythin .. Plz suggest somethin to me ..the reason m writing all this here is bcz I can’t tell any of this to anyone in family ..

    • #215 by Eric Palmer on October 17, 2013 - 5:46 pm

      I hope that you have confronted him with your thoughts and feelings. Trust and honesty are two foundation blocks that hold up a marriage.

  112. #216 by GoodGuySwag on October 16, 2013 - 1:44 am

    I finally completed my blog as a newly wed on what you’re blog meant to me: http://goodguyswag.com/5-quick-ways-to-end-a-fight-with-your-girlfriend/

  113. #217 by jjmerrin on October 15, 2013 - 3:39 pm

    Reblogged this on allihavetobringtoday and commented:
    Stumbled across this. Not that I’ve been married and divorced, but it makes me think about it and what I want it to look like. Even if it was, as a recent comment says, “written by a female for another femiale as in a lesbian marriage or something. Not believable.”

  114. #218 by Joe on October 15, 2013 - 1:09 pm

    Someone should write a letter about how to treat a man. This is biased crap. This guy’s wife sounds like a saint and I’m willing to bet that she is just as much to blame for their divorce. This is garbage.

    • #219 by Kelly on October 19, 2013 - 10:38 pm

      In my opinion this could be written towards men or women. Wives also need to work on our marriage everyday as much as the men do, to not nag but to love the man we promised to cherish. And just as woman need quality alone time men do to! I’ve been married for almost 16 years and no my marriage is not the same as it was the first year, it’s a constant change because as people we are also a constant change. Men and women both need to love and respect one another for any relationship to work. I think he wrote this as his way of admitting his own faults, it’s up to her to admit hers.

  115. #220 by Rosey on October 14, 2013 - 9:33 pm

    Men must first realise that there is too much brainwashing by men and in the media that women are weak creatures just needing to be carried through life. although different, women have incredibly sensitive and emotional inteliigent brains. also we have about 75 percent of the physical strenghth of a man we have fit bodies and fitness of mind so why are we treated so much under men. men should just treat women alot better than they do in general and everything would be fine

  116. #221 by Cynic on October 14, 2013 - 2:29 am

    Real men aren’t all mushy like some kind of patsy waiting at a woman’s feet day and night…honestly this letter sounds like it was written by a female for another femiale as in a lesbian marriage or something. Not believable.

    • #222 by Adhis on October 14, 2013 - 6:32 pm

      Being cynical probably works for ya.

      Just dropping by to say that I personally know Gerald Rogers. Way not a patsy.

    • #223 by Good guy. on October 15, 2013 - 7:14 am

      Agreed. It would be nice if this actually was the way it worked but the truth is trying to keep up with all this won’t last.
      Best to just be yourself and find someone who appreciates you for you.

    • #224 by Jane on October 15, 2013 - 4:43 pm

      This is the most beautiful advice I have ever heard. I wish I had heard it before it was too late for my marriage. I had tears in my eyes the whole time I was reading it. The only other piece of advice I would add is to please let young men (and women) know that no matter how frustrated they get IT IS NEVER OK to touch a woman in anger. This is the ultimate dealbreaker an must not be tolerated. Thanks again for such true and touching words of wisdom.

  117. #225 by Anonymous on October 12, 2013 - 6:23 pm

    Definitely love the article. I will keep it to remind me and my husband of things that matter the most and last forever.

  118. #226 by Matrimony on October 12, 2013 - 4:08 am

    Loved reading this! I’m definitely going to keep these in mind and share ti my friends..

  119. #227 by dennis on October 11, 2013 - 12:47 pm

    “Marriage should be equal”
    Hence why and the sisterhood of man hate and perpetual victim hood die single, bitter and alone.

  120. #228 by Anonymous on October 11, 2013 - 11:53 am

    Wow! Amazing! I guess it was meant to be… you have moved so many people. And you have moved me to maybe change my mind about men. I thought that a man can not full fill my needs, that a man simply stands on a lower branch ( I am sorry, it is offensive) that thinking helped me to be in my marriage , so many times misunderstood, under appreciated, sometimes lonely. I guess I thought that men can not understand a woman. But maybe they can… I wish you luck in love and all happiness. This advice is beautiful.

  121. #229 by Kephasho on October 10, 2013 - 8:10 am

    Wish had read this

  122. #230 by Amy on October 9, 2013 - 3:11 pm

    Sometimes it’s just too late though.

  123. #231 by Alan Stiles on October 8, 2013 - 9:39 am

    Well now , I can’t disagree with most of the article, but my god, are we to be slaves to a woman we love, obviously that’s what’s wrong with marriage nowadays, , women are almost encouraged by society to shop around for the ‘next’ husband, and men have forgotten how to be men,. I’m tired of being a “nice guy” and being sensitive and trying to predict what a female oneeds sometimes, I think it’s impossible to be everything all the time , then throw in pms and irrationality, and short bouts of depression, her getting turned on by a stranger at work then getting angry at me because of that, it certainly is difficult to be a man in the modern world

    • #232 by Anonymous on October 10, 2013 - 1:06 am

      I totally agree with you . It should be from both sides , its all about right partner .

    • #233 by Charis on October 10, 2013 - 3:50 am

      The amount of things wrong with what you just said is staggering. You do understand this is literally what women have been demanded to do pretty much since marriage began. Put your husband first, love him above all else, think about what he wants, take care of him. The amazing thing is that most women are happy and love to do so because they love their husbands! Finally women are being encouraged to have careers to have lives outside of marriage. That doesn’t mean they have to stop doing these things in the list. It’s equally important for women to do the things on the list as the husband., That’s the point of marriage, equality in giving and taking of each other.

      Also how dare you link pms and irrationality. Men can be exactly the same, men also go through hormone cycles just they don’t go through lots of pain and bleed for a week every month because of it! Bouts of depression are natural and happen to everyone!

      It’s difficult to be a man in the modern world because you’re now expected to be aware of how much you are freely given and be aware of how privileged you have been. Women are finally starting to get equality but still have a long way to go yet!

      You’re tired of being a nice guy? Being nice to people is common courtesy. Listening to people and being sensitive to other people’s emotional and practical needs is just being respectful and loving! I’d bet you’d expect a women to do these things for you without a second thought because society trains men to think they are the powerhouses and deserve to be put first and deserve to get what they want. It’s amazing that some men have realised this and are self aware and know how to love someone, how to truly love someone which means giving exactly as much as you take. Everyone has different needs, hence his talking about the love languages, you have to understand what makes your partner or spouse feel loved as they probably don’t need the same as you do!

      • #234 by Jane on October 15, 2013 - 4:53 pm

        Awesome words!

    • #235 by Monica on October 10, 2013 - 8:06 pm

      What you just said about women makes you NOT the nice guy. You’re a pig.

  124. #236 by Anonymous on October 7, 2013 - 3:47 am

    Wish i had read it before i lost you M. Even though i am a woman i think this works for both sides,i made many mistakes of this list and its terrible :( And now his heart belongs to someone else…

  125. #237 by Anonymous on October 7, 2013 - 3:37 am

    Wish i read it before…though im a woman,i made so much mistakes. I was focusing on small things and making drama while he did countless good things,i was waiting for future and forgot to take care of present and so on :( finnaly he gave his heart someone else. I miss you M and im so sorry i got so lost. :(

    • #238 by M on October 16, 2013 - 1:21 am

      My heart still belongs to you L.

  126. #239 by Chance on October 6, 2013 - 7:30 am

    I’m having a difficult time applying this advice. I had found out 4 days ago that my wife had been having an affair for the past month with a friend of hers who was also in a relationship. As good as the advice you give is, I don’t feel it can be applicable to my situation. This has grown to be a very hard time for me to cope with, especially because she was completely happy with our marriage (according to her). So I have nothing to work with in terms of a base on how I need to better myself as a husband. All of this has left me confused, angry and rejected. The fact that we have a daughter together too just makes it that much more impact full. I don’t feel I can trust this woman ever again or allow her back into my heart. I have begun going through the motions of divorce because in my eyes it was the ultimate betrayal. This divorce didn’t stem from us not getting along during our marriage or financial stress or infidelity from my end. So my question I guess is what is the best advice for a man going through what I am right now? Because all the advice and articles I find are all based off scenarios other than mine. I appreciate anyone’s time to help me with this and this was a very well written article.

    • #240 by Eric Palmer on October 6, 2013 - 1:01 pm

      I think that it is difficult to get beyond the hurt first. The fresh sense of betrayal can be overwhelming. If somehow you are able to forgive her and she is willing to do anything and everything to regain your trust, it will be worth it. It will prove that your marriage is strong enough to stand up to even the toughest circumstances. And if it works, you can both say you love each other no matter what. Trust me, it can be done.

    • #241 by Mustang Seller on October 8, 2013 - 10:14 pm

      Divorce her. She has betrayed you and humiliated you. If she disrespected you it doesn’t mean you should also disrespect yourself.

    • #242 by Anonymous on October 8, 2013 - 10:28 pm

      Two alternatives seem available,
      A)follow your advice and continue to be stuck in a relationship which is not reciprocated and leads to feeling unfulfilled and isolated
      B)leaving and feeling as lonely as you must have felt when you wrote this iconic description of what you yourself were unable to achieve.

    • #243 by Anonymous on October 9, 2013 - 9:14 am

      Don’t give up just yet! What she has done is terrible but think about all the good she has done also. I will suggest to give yourself some time before you make any decisions.

    • #244 by Anonymous on October 10, 2013 - 12:41 pm

      Chance – I am sorry to hear that your wife stepped out on you. I can tell you this I watched as this happened to my ex-brother-in-law. No he was not perfect and neither was my sister. They have been divorced now for 11 years. They had 2 children that are 13 and 11 now.. and let me tell you this I am not sure how my Brother-in-law forgave her but he has, and my nephew and niece along with GOD have a lot to do with that. Those children though do not suffer in the least from their parents divorce. At any event you will find – my sister her new husband, my brother-in-law and new wife along with all the grandparents. I guess what I am saying is it is no longer about you and your wife it is about your daughter. Everything else will work itself out. Read the book of Matthew. I hope it will help you like it did me.. May GOD be with you and bless you!

    • #245 by Marie on October 12, 2013 - 10:25 pm

      What was your part in this? Have you examined why it is your wife might have felt the need to step out of the marriage? For men to do that, it typically results from lack of sex, lack of affirmation, lack of respect. When spouses step out, it is usually due to deficiencies in the marriage.
      My husband checked out of our marriage with alcohol. He was abused as a child and I tried to get him to talk to a counselor about it. The alcohol was deadening his feelings. But after 22 years of “I will go to counseling someday” or “I am not going to counseling” I finally just gave up. Sometimes, divorce is the best answer. I am free now, I know I gave this 120 percent and it was time to stop wasting time putting perfume on a pig.
      We as a society tend to categorize men as lazy and stupid and women as needy and emotional. I have met people of both sexes that fit into both categories. Some men hate women, some women hate men. We cannot group everyone into neat groups, it just doesnt work that way. And, many of us are not wiling to see where WE have failed in our marriages, remember, it takes two. I did try everything I could to help my husband, but again, given what he endured, and what he refused to face, I had no choice but to end it because he refused to get help.

    • #246 by Larry on October 13, 2013 - 9:22 am

      Chance,

      Everything you wrote could’ve been written by me. In 1999 I found out my wife was having an affair and my world came crashing down. I thought we were doing very well at the time but she had secretly been having an affair for three years by then. I could say lots more but it’s not relevant. I had two young daughters at the time and could not see tearing their family apart. I stayed with her despite the affair and despite the deep feelings of mistrust and all the other emotions you have. I was 38 at the time and it took more than ten years for me to really get over it. As painful as they were, I feel I lost those ten years of my life but I made it through and we’re happy today. As you age you change. And we changed because of that event and we’re closer now than we were at the time.

      In the end, I’m glad I stayed. My daughters have turned out wonderful, awesome and all the other adjectives a Dad can have for his daughters. I’m so proud of them! And my wife and I are doing well and now have fun together again. The bad feelings always come up now and then but you learn to deal with them. You recognize them for what they are–memories and not relevant to my life today.

      I wish you luck in dealing with your pain. Only you can make the decision, but consider the pain your daughter may feel without a full-time Father around or if she calls someone else “Dad.” I just couldn’t let that happen.

      Take Care!

      • #247 by Pain is Love on October 28, 2013 - 9:19 am

        Man your story sounds so wonderful, I pray I can feel happiness again

    • #248 by Anonymous on October 14, 2013 - 5:55 am

      Please please try to not look at what I’m saying as blame that you did anything wrong. But I believe the article does apply to you. I think that the betrayal was a sign of deeper issues with the marriage. Like why did she not trust you enough to tell you the truth that she was unhappy/ dis satisfied with the marriage enough to have an affair? I don’t know what the main issue is: it could be that you are afraid of everlasting love & unconsciously picked a women who would betray you…so that you can be write that she was the problem. It could be that she’s so afraid to be truly loved that she’s finding a way to run. My point is that it would behoove you to not divorce until you have dug deep enough to find out why the marriage cracked in the first place. Otherwise you run the risk of repeating the same crack within a new erelationship anyway. You may hate what she has done, but the fact that you feel hurt and confused about it suggests that you still have your grasp of the love you once felt for her. In order to be able to heal from this, you have to be able to look at her with living ness that she is human and not perfect, to look at yourself with locingness that you are hunan and not perfect. And sometimes marriage brings out in both people the parts that need to be. Healed. I think that’s what this article was about and I believe if you can figure out how very deeply it applies to you, then whether or not you remain married, you will have turned this experience from one of bitterness to one of love.

    • #249 by Anonymous on October 18, 2013 - 6:04 pm

      It seems she didn’t respect herself as a married woman and she didn’t respect you as a husband. Everything can be right but if there is not such prerequisite any person will fail with the temptation. If a marriage was in decline, a person that values mutual respect would first end the relationship before betraying.

  127. #250 by crystalskyes on October 6, 2013 - 4:25 am

    As a female, I think this advice is BS.
    It is so biased against MEN. I am speaking for the sake of your damn equality.
    What happened to equal responsibility?
    This is so unfair to men. Guys must do everything? Are women really that useless except for making babies?
    God, women have such a bad rep since generations of women have been nothing but louts.
    If they wanted to be of any good to society, they should have get a good career and not have children to make excuses for their lack of personal career success.
    Women… You don’t know whether they deserved to be discriminated against in the past or not.

    • #251 by Eric Palmer on October 6, 2013 - 12:53 pm

      I have seen many comments along these lines. However, this was simply a man’s perspective on what he could have done differently. I’m sure there were things that his ex-wife could have done also. I don’t think that the post was meant to say that it is only a man’s responsibility. If both a man and woman work toward the common goal of a good marriage it will succeed. There is a blog posted from a woman’s perspective, too. Unfortunately, many men have taken little responsibility for their family, other than providing an income. It has often been left up to women to carry the weight.

    • #252 by Charis on October 10, 2013 - 4:09 am

      … Women have not been louts… Women were highly suppressed! No-one deserves to be discriminated against. Ever. Most women wanted a good career but where never given the chance because men wouldn’t hire a women! J. K. Rowling was told to put her name as an acronym instead of saying Jacqueline Rowling so as to appeal to both genders because guys are less likely to buy books written by female authors, Women have had to change their name in the past to secretly get published works. Women were forced into being housewives for generation upon generation.

      These facts I believe are what marriage should be made up of from both partners. It should be equal give and take to suit each others needs in a relationship. Not everyone needs the same thing but the same courtesies and respect should be shown to both people. The thing with this article is that most of these things women have just been expected to do for hundreds of years. Put your husband first, love him first, forgive him, care for him. I don’t think women should stop but I think it’s definitely about time men did the same! I’m not saying none do because that’s not true some definitely do. However, society still tells men to expect to be the head of a household and to be the most important, their needs being put first and this is wrong.

      Marriage should be equal but as women so most of this already as they are what society has made women do and put women into these roles it’s time that the majority of men were informed of what a marriage should be made up of. Love, commitment, honesty, friendship and respect and what that actually means for them as well as for women.

  128. #253 by Wow!! This touched my heart just now and brought me to tears! Thank you for sharing this incredible story!! on October 5, 2013 - 9:32 am

    This story touched me as I am dealing with Divorce despite my choosing.

  129. #254 by Faith Norville on October 4, 2013 - 7:33 am

    When I put in my e-mail I missed spelled it by on letter. In stead of putting hotmail. I spell it hoymail. I have since corrected it. That is why it kept saying wrong e-mail address or wrong user name.

  130. #255 by nahdya on October 3, 2013 - 11:59 pm

    Reblogged this on Blooming Butterfly.

  131. #256 by Anon on October 3, 2013 - 10:48 pm

    Each relationship involves not just 2 people but rather hundreds to thousands of people dynamically interacting directly and indirectly. Utilizing an optimal behavioral pattern that has a higher probability of retaining the sexual services of a female in an LTR is not 100% guaranteed since the female has her own optimizing formula that the male cannot ascertain or predict.

    In addition, there exists other males (OT) who operate with more successful behavioral patterns and/or more attractive characteristics will easily detract from the “strength” of any matrimonial vows…

    My advice:
    1) focus on your own happiness
    2) don’t make promises that are unlikely to be kept and don’t expect same from any mate.
    (e.g. if the chance of flipping a heads is 50% don’t promise to someone that the next coin toss will be heads, etc [wink-wink])*
    3) if you depart, do it on good terms, learn from the experience.
    4) DO ALL THE ADVICE FROM THE BLOG FROM A POSITION OF CONFIDENCE, NOT AS DESPERATE MEASURES TO KEEP A WOMAN

    *don’t promise to be married forever if the divorce rate is 50% and you might have 0% say in the matter when she files…

  132. #257 by thandeka on October 3, 2013 - 5:36 pm

    Thanks for the wonderful article. I love the part that says “marriage is work”. It really needs two partners who are willing to be together and cherish each other. Hopefully man will look into it and play the part. Afterall why choose unhapiness when there’s so much more to b happy about. I,personally,appreciate it.

  133. #258 by inez4 on October 3, 2013 - 11:36 am

    Reblogged this on Inez4's Blog and commented:
    Thinking of divorce, read this first, insightful, can save many relationships

  134. #259 by las786 on October 2, 2013 - 5:17 am

    Reblogged this on (LAS) ABDUN-NUR.

  135. #260 by Mark on October 1, 2013 - 4:15 pm

    I was that kind of a man and after 20 years together about one year ago we have separated.
    she was my world, i really and truly loved her. im not perfect but i would have done nearly anything to make her happy.
    The one thing i did lack was loving myself and maybe loving her to much.
    It has turned my life upside down and im trying to get back up and be happy again but its very difficult.

    • #261 by Anonymous on October 16, 2013 - 6:54 am

      Going thru the same thing buddy. Depression has taken its toll on me. Its difficult. Wife left months ago but we did have a crummy marriage toward the end. Last year she filed but then came back later after i left then came to my new house and beg me to come back home eventually after several weeks I agreed. After 7 months of being back home she started staying out all night and doing the same things that she was doing before so I left again and now she filed I did everything I could to save my marriage but sometimes enough is enough I had to let her go and get my sanity back

  136. #262 by steve on September 30, 2013 - 5:09 pm

    sounds great but it doesn’t work There is an epidemic here (in the UK) for middle aged wives to dump their husbands & find a new guy. It doesn’t matter how great their husbands were – inevitably their wives just get bored with them over the years. Happened to my neighbour , best friend & now me. My wife just left one day with my daughter , leaving our 17 year old son with me & now wants a divorce. No reason – just “not in love with me” anymore. Easy for them to pick up a new boyfriend as lots of guys in similar situations.

  137. #263 by Amanda culver on September 30, 2013 - 1:10 pm

    Good morning, I don’t even know if I’m writing to the right person? And I don’t know how to begin? My husband and I have been separated for almost 3 years, and even though we have gone on and ” explored” new things, we have always stayed in contact with each other , I have always loved him and I know he loves me.. He takes care of me in many ways.. We have talked about divorce and say ok maybe it’s the best thing to do? So can truly move on with our lives, but him nor I ever make that move. I have done some soul searching here in the past months… I want my marrage to work , we had dinner last night spent 6 hrs talking laughing and at the end of the night I told him I loved him still and he also expressed his love for me.. With tears pouring down his face… We hugged .. I know he loves me We have something very special between us.. I want my marriage to work. Please is there any advice ? Can you tell me anything? Am I crazy to want our marriage to work? Please help me in anyway you can… Thank you, from a willing heart in California.

    • #264 by Tasha on September 30, 2013 - 11:02 pm

      you two did promise for better for worse till death do you part. You are still married. You both still love each other. Why not try? I mean sure it may end up badly a second time. But it may not. What would it hurt to give your vows a second chance? Maybe another broken heart, maybe wasted time. But hes not an ex boyfriend where you get the luxury to protect yourself from that.. Hes your husband. Youve already made the choice to be commited to the relationship for better for worse. Now its time to get past the worse, onto the better and then worse again and then better again. Unless of course there is abuse or infidelity going on

    • #265 by Anonymous on October 3, 2013 - 5:21 am

      After this article their is a similar list of advise for women one says to give him sex often . Girl you need to use the sex balm daily. Get close.
      This seems like the first way to reconnect and doing this often is good balm for healing. And keep laughing together. I like you took a vow for better or worse till death do us part. I take this vow seriously. Its why your still married it takes a stronge conviction to stay in a marriage i decided after 3 years of fighting and claiming divorce by both my husband and i . That i was never gonna alow myself the option of diorif hee wanted it then he would have to get it iwas here for life. I wantedbhim to be secure in me a sence of accountability . Its easy to decide its a vow. When my husband Dan gets home on sat. From working out if tn im gettin naked and gettin close putting as much balm on my marrage as needed. I wish you two laughter, balm sex and forgivness. Most important is focus on what you love and love it. Heres to us and loving our husbands

  138. #266 by Nancy on September 30, 2013 - 9:16 am

    Each gender contributes to marital strife and difficulties, there are no guiltless individuals because we are all human and many times lazy and selffish. What so many women go through is, the relationship has problems, she’s attempting to get her man to see some changes are needed, she is willing for herself to change, but she needs him to invest and he just isn’t all that interested for a lot of reason – a very low bar effort is set for the marriage and it is failing on many fronts. Most counselors and books will discuss this issue, the man’s focus is elsewhere, the woman’s focus is on the relationship, two in the same boat rowing different directions. This article is about re-directing the focus back to understanding what is needed to make the marital relationship work versus focus the majority of time and attention elsewhere. Many people, once they marry, they have won/caught the prize and therefore get lazy in maintaining it. This is good advice for both men and women.

  139. #267 by Dying To be Only His on September 29, 2013 - 8:55 pm

    Both ur article and the woman’s view are exceptional articles that have made me look deeply into my relationship. Mainly myself. I want to thank you for this, for opening up my eyes and my heart to what God has called a marriage to be. U have re focused me and helped me to see what I need to do to make him feel like he is number one above any n everything. THANK YOU BEYOND MEASURE!!!!! #LOVETHISMESSAGE #SIMPLYAMAZING

  140. #268 by Felix on September 29, 2013 - 8:24 pm

    Inspiring! I just read this story I it helped me save my marriage. Thanks slot.

  141. #269 by Naj on September 29, 2013 - 3:39 am

    How beautiful…
    If only my husband realised this – I wouldn’t b SITTIN in the bathroom now avoiding his tensed nasty argumentative attitude. Divorce is always the option in my head these days – the sad thought that Iv wasted 7years of my time and allowed my 20’s to be consumed with a WASTEman that will never ever change…

    • #270 by Anonymous on September 29, 2013 - 11:20 am

      I know it’s easier said than done. If you are feeling in your heart and head that divorce is the only option then follow your feelings. You shouldn’t have to hide in the bathroom and be unhappy. There is life after divorce. I have went through it twice. Yes it’s hard but there is someone out there who will be the right one for you.

    • #271 by Anon on October 3, 2013 - 10:25 pm

      The article did suggest to not try to change ur spouse…But in fact he did change… from the man u 1st met. so it is possible for him to change… just not into the person you want….

  142. #272 by Ben on September 28, 2013 - 12:35 am

    These are great advice of how to make a working relationship better. If you are in an abusive relationship, take my one advice:
    get the hell out!

  143. #273 by Ben on September 27, 2013 - 11:07 am

    I do agree with many things written in this article and have my regrets and shortcomings. I do not however see much written on how a women should treat their husband. My wife was cruel, critical, unfaithful, and a spend thrift. Where is a declaration for women? In a marriage and raising a family there are jobs that must be done. I do not make the assumption that any job is gender specific however I do state the jobs must be done for a marriage and the family to progress and be successful. I can only do so much, I am half of the marriage. When the other half is put off and never finished how can that marriage succeed? The answer is it can’t no matter how much I want it. So I ask where are the long lists of what women ought to do, the advice columns, the group’s for abused men caused to feel horrible because they could not satisfy their women’s insatiable habits or desires, the advice telling a women to have herself in order before entering a relationship and marriage or at the very least telling the man what her issues are surrounding whatever issue or life trial faced or facing. My wife exposed me to her sexual abuse 5 years into our marriage as a result of an occurrence of something similar in our extended family. We talked I did not try to fix and was not put out by what happened. She had never talked to anyone about it, not her parents nor friends. She changed to a point where her behavior affected our relationship her relationship with our children and our close friends and extended family. I have allowed myself to feel guilt and frustration at my inability to bring her happiness and joy. It took me a long time to realize her happiness is her responsibility and no matter how much I want to make her happy it’s her choice. I’m not perfect, I make many mistakes, but I was a faithful, loving adoring husband and a willing partner. I would have done whatever was needed to have helped our marriage succeed, but I am only one of a 2 part equation. She was the love of my life, the one I wanted to raise a family with and grow old with. I thought we accepted each other where we are in our life progress and for who we were and could trust each other. I see now that to be in a successful relationship even more than accepting the other we must accept and love our self. If we dont love US we will constantly be looking for what’s next and running from our self only to find our self again…no one can get away from themselves for very long. Shoe me the list of what a women is committed to in a marriage and not one that is a list from a women to a man that is simply modified to say a women should do likewise, men and women are different, we all need things like trust, fidelity, forgiveness etc…but there are needs outside of what a women believes a man needs that we actually do need. Do women really know what a man needs and do they really care? I am hopeful women do know and want to be part of my life as I want to be part of their life.

  144. #274 by Anonymous on September 27, 2013 - 3:51 am

    By reading these words i get the impression that succeeding at marriage is mostly up to the man. However in the modern times women, at least in norway where i live, are becoming increasingly manly on their behaviours, and men more feminine. Equality here is being taken a bit to the extreme i would say. Thus, in the almost 9 years i lived here i havent got here the feminine side that i did before from women of other nationalities, this feeling that makes you feel needed and loved, despite my efforts to follow in the majority the advice given in this article. _Unfortunately, economic prosperity has on my opinion led to lack of tolerance and sacrifice, sometimes needed in a relationship, and hence divorce. So you think these pieces of advice apply to every couple and culture in the world? Thoughts appreciated, thank you.

  145. #275 by Oscar on September 26, 2013 - 1:04 pm

    First thank you james for share what u think can help other relationship like my i really love u test

  146. #276 by Anonymous on September 26, 2013 - 12:06 pm

    Been married for 27 years my husband was having a text messaging affair with a woman he went out with 30years ago. Still dealing with the hurt and cant trust his words.doing all this while im working. To buy things he wants.

    • #277 by King on October 1, 2013 - 12:19 pm

      If your husband is having a text message affair, you need to open up about this knowledge and talk to him about your relationship, whether you are still growing in the same direction and how he still feels about you. It may not be what you think it is, but why he feels he needs to seek the thrill of talking to another woman is all on him to explain to you, maybe he is going through some insecurities about the marriage and his feelings for you and while you aren’t going to stand their and give him permission to ruin your marriage with a potential infidelity, you can love him and offer him the choice of how he wants to proceed, even if it means letting him go.

      Whether he needs a trial separation to really understand what he has with you, can he then be able to love you more or let you go and allow you to be loved by someone else as you fully deserve. It’s not about who’s fault it is of what lead to this situation; everyone is accountable in their own way, no matter how big or small it was part of the equation.

      Let him know this, let him try to reconnect with his feelings for you because as long as you have tried your best and haven’t done anything untowards, you can walk away with your integrity that you weren’t the one who chose to walk away from something great you both share and you aren’t settling for anything less. Marriage is a funny thing in this day and age where everyone is increasingly choosing to stay single for longer, opt for divorce more easily, it does however, make those couples who both still put equal effort into their successful marriages even more special and rare.

  147. #278 by Faith Norville on September 26, 2013 - 7:32 am

    Love this story. Hope that my son will take something from this.

  148. #279 by shemalehookers1.tumblr.com on September 26, 2013 - 5:46 am

    To quote the sharp Benjamin Franklin: There isn’t any shame in being ignorant,
    only in refusing to learn. Thank you for helping me
    learn.

  149. #280 by Donna Tyson on September 25, 2013 - 1:37 pm

    As a divorced woman of a 35 year marriage.This man speaks the total truth.Most of this led to the deterioration of my marriage. …. I so wish we would have read this before things got beyond repair.

  150. #281 by philline on September 25, 2013 - 8:44 am

    testing

  151. #282 by Aaron on September 24, 2013 - 6:46 pm

    No better words have ever been spoken and it’s unfortunate that we learn these too late. I am with you 1000%! Also, Marry the one you really love don’t settle. That would of been the first step and the rest of these on this list rinse and repeat everyday. Lets hope all of us get a second chance and apply these lessons learned.

  152. #283 by susie tukes on September 21, 2013 - 3:32 pm

    My marriage ended after 27 years.My first love and My everything.But I divorced him for taking me for granted.He choose to look at me as nothing.Bought another woman in our home then asked me to move out.Which I did.What is happening with our middle men.Why wait until Ur 50 to destroy your marriage and most of all the woman that loved U.Your message I pray reach a lot of men and straighten them out.

  153. #284 by Lonely Huntress on September 20, 2013 - 12:02 pm

    Reblogged this on Being a Huntress and commented:
    Nice thoughts. It’ll be helpful to newly divorced couples and bf/gf’s who happened to break up. :(

  154. #285 by every thing on September 17, 2013 - 12:10 pm

    thaaaaaaaaanx

  155. #286 by Nvi on September 17, 2013 - 9:27 am

    Nice one and a good reminder

  156. #287 by Michelle-Renee on September 17, 2013 - 3:30 am

    Reblogged this on INSPIRED and commented:
    In the end…working to give agape LOVE at all times…will never fail~

  157. #288 by Michelle-Renee on September 17, 2013 - 3:24 am

    Wow….truly INSPIRED!

  158. #289 by officialwarranty on September 17, 2013 - 2:04 am

    Lovely post! Reblogged it on

    http://officialwarranty.wordpress.com/

  159. #290 by officialwarranty on September 17, 2013 - 2:00 am

    Reblogged this on What Lies Beneath The Rock and commented:
    If we make the conscious decision to daily place our spouse’s desires and needs above our own, and that’s reciprocated, the marriage will succeed.

  160. #291 by Steve Schloss on September 15, 2013 - 1:17 pm

    Great list and hats off to Gerald!
    Now the key is putting his advice into practice.
    I have written a “playbook” for Men called “The Men’s Secret to a Happy and Sexy Marriage in Less Than 10 Minutes a Day”.
    Download the first Chapter for Free to build on Gerald’s advice: http://goo.gl/WuKIag

  161. #292 by Steph on September 15, 2013 - 10:15 am

    I’ve never fallen in love, probably because I’ve never let myself get close enough to a guy to be able to do it, your post inspires me to leap and see where I land. Thank you.

    • #293 by edmondantes on September 17, 2013 - 10:56 am

      Me too. very ispiring and thanks for sharing

    • #294 by Shannon on September 20, 2013 - 12:54 pm

      Make that jump!! Don’t build up a wall and let no one in. You will miss out on a journey that everyone should take.
      Marriage is amazing. It’s hard, trying, tiring and everything else that’s already been said. But at the same time truly amazing. It’s work and can be hard work at that. But worth every minute of the hard times.
      Add children and the job is harder but even more amazing!!
      It’s a journey you won’t regret :-)

  162. #295 by Tsansai on September 15, 2013 - 8:49 am

    Reblogged this on Sour Skittles and commented:
    Amen, amen and Amen! Applicable to both sexes in committed relationships.

  163. #296 by Anonymous on September 15, 2013 - 2:58 am

    Ohh my word I am encouraged…I feel lyk a queen already,I am so hopeful for the future if there are man like James!Thank u.

  164. #297 by letmebeyourlesson on September 14, 2013 - 8:35 pm

    Reblogged this on Sail Away Another Day.

  165. #298 by ayearfromnowchampagne on September 14, 2013 - 1:15 pm

    Good advice, except that sometimes you CAN make another person sad and sometimes it is your job to fix it, or at least do more than just hold her. That’s one thing men don’t understand about women – yeah, a lot of times we know there are issues that can’t be resolved and that’s okay. But sometimes when you do something that makes us sad, we do want to have a discussion about it and try to resolve it in such a way that it won’t happen again.

  166. #299 by TristaLynn on September 12, 2013 - 6:43 pm

    I read this after a found the link on Pintrest and I loved it. I shared it on Facebook and tagged my husband. Too many marriages end in divorce and being newly wed it is very important to me to make my marriage work!

  167. #300 by height growth exercises on September 12, 2013 - 3:14 pm

    This is my first time go to see at here and i am actually happy to read everthing
    at single place.

  168. #301 by RA on September 11, 2013 - 1:30 pm

    Girlspeak- Fresh into a divorce, I have to say that I believe the keyword is love (on both sides). It makes up for a lot of other shortcomings. I believed the institution was made in heaven and sacred. Sadly I had to pull myself out because of abuse and disrespect for which there is no room in this relationship. I read this article and feel only if… The advice sounded so good.. Good luck to the troubled couples who choose to follow the given advice.

  169. #302 by theedcommunity on September 11, 2013 - 8:12 am

    Reblogged this on The Ed Community and commented:
    Rebloged post from the article “Beautiful advice from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage”

  170. #303 by Alex on September 11, 2013 - 1:14 am

    Nice article, but it may be misleading in it’s purpose. Two books I would suggest to shed some light and science to the “Divorce epidemic.” If you are in love, or a newly wed husband or wife, you may benefit from the following books much more…

    First is “Women’s Infidelity”. The book is not just about infidelity, but the whole psychological process most women go through. This is the book for those “perfect” husbands that did everything right (from the women’s words), but couldn’t compete with some basic evolutionary predispositions that most if not all women have. This book is far more important for women (written by a woman) who often drown in shame and guilt after such a divorce or infidelity thinking that they are somehow flawed.

    The second book is “Sex at Dawn”. It goes deep into the science of it all.. sexual, emotional, parental, etc.. Quite an explosive stuff and hard to deny, given all the overwhelming evidence that marriage as we know it (our concepts about the way it should be) is one of the most unnatural states for a human being.

  171. #304 by greatredwoman on September 10, 2013 - 10:47 pm

    My spouse had been divorced 3.5 years when I married him. I had never been married. This year, we celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary.

    A few years ago, my spouse went to a Late Night Men’s group and sat around a table for 10. All men around the table had been married at least twice. Many of them said that they’d wished they had put much greater effort into their first marriage. now THAT was poignant!!

  172. #305 by greatredwoman on September 10, 2013 - 10:44 pm

    So very and utterly poignant. We often learn the most profound lessons during life’s greatest pain. When he is ready to enter a new relationship, I’m betting he does it differently. Best of luck to him. Divorce is so very painful

  173. #306 by summer on September 10, 2013 - 10:07 pm

    this is indeed very inspiring and something we can learn from. :)

  174. #307 by anonymous on September 10, 2013 - 7:32 am

    She was amazing
    Heart fluttered just by the sound of her voice and the day brightened with her every smile, awakening deep feeling from her warm style. Musically sounds would lift my thoughts, feeling so much closer to her it brought.
    When she cried my tears joined hers holding each other tight,  pain together we would fight. When she laughed so uncontrollably and gave me a gift to laugh with her so boldly. When she was upset and angry because she was so scared,  gave her confidence from what she feared.
    Feelling so right, couldnt see the wrong. I was in love she was just holding on. When I seen her that day with her arms around another man so tight, realized plan B would be my plight. I waited unconditionally and felt I was the man she needed truly. I couldn’t see what I did wrong, blamed my self for the change in her song. Now I know life is not fare,  it took a while to find she was no longer really there.  The sun was setting in her world but still rising in mine, felt us growing together yet didnt see it was us growing apart over time. Unconditionally is a word I used with love freely. What I didnt see was the word had its own condition, her choice to no longer want me. It proved that lifes changes naturally and need to find a new start,  when one half doesnt feel the other halfs part.
    Today watch the sun rise and set together as long as your world feels forever because in life forever is to long for today~Steven Previch
    You will find true love when you finally let go of the person who doesnt truly love you~Steven Previch

  175. #308 by Eric Palmer on September 9, 2013 - 8:51 pm

    Excellent read. May I add my two cents? I am on my third marriage. This one, my final one, is different because I am different. I have learned more over the last 20 years in this marriage than I ever thought was possible. I am different now because I am invested in this marriage completely. We renewed our vows after 20 years because I am willing to marry who she has become, not just who she was.

    First, don’t go into marriage with unrealistic expectations, thinking it is going to be all peaches and cream. It isn’t. But, invest your time and energy and you will be paid back generously.

    Make your spouse THE priority. Your time is more important than the end of year bonus that you get for putting in 80 hours a week at work. Too many “providers” end up alone because their wife was already left alone.

    There is no winning an argument. Disagreements will happen. Learn to disagree and compromise. Listen, speak your mind, then be done with it. Arguements end with two angry losers.

    Romance with butterflies, pixie dust and rainbows will fade. If you let it, your marriage can grow into a place of security and safety that is even better than teenage romance. There is nothing better than knowing your partner will be by your side during tough times; a shelter during the storm. And when the storm is over you did it together.

    Life dishes out some difficult circumstances.My wife and I are more like two yoked mules. When she is tired, I pull a bit harder and I can rely on her to do the same when I am weak and weary. Neither one of us gets left in the rut alone. We share the burdens as well as the easy times.

    Sometimes, you may have every right in the world to be angry. You may even have the right to leave the marriage without taking any of the blame with you. Use deference and be forgiving. Chances are, you will probably need the favor returned when you do something completely stupid. Ask yourself, “Is saving the marriage more important than being right?”

    Love is more than chemistry or some obscure feeling. It is a choice. You made the choice once. Make that same choice everyday.

    Always greet her as if she was the one person that you really wanted to see more than anyone else. The only person that makes your day. Trust me, she will look at you as if you were the king of the world.

    Sacrifice. My wife hates coming home and having to clean the kitchen. So, I beat her home everyday and do that one little thing. It may not be much, but I know that one tiny thing makes her happy.Find little things that make her happy.

    Be happy, positive, interested. These are habits. Change your attitude. Make a conscious effort everyday to be the best husband you can be and it will become habitual. The only way to to learn good habits is to repeat them over and over. When you were young, brushing your teeth was not instinctual. It was something your mother had to remind you to do every night until it became a habit.

    Being a good husband will be one the biggest role you play in life. Your children will learn from it and in turn will be good husbands and wives. More importantly, they will seek out good husbands and wives.

    Lastly, its not about who takes the blame for a bad marriage. Its about who takes responsibility for making it a good one.

    • #309 by Anonymous on September 17, 2013 - 10:17 pm

      I think your response is better than the original. Thanks!

    • #310 by Shannon on September 20, 2013 - 1:13 pm

      True words. This was very well written and newly weds can learn from this.
      The one that sticks out to me is doing the small things for each other. The little things that seem not really that important.
      But if your spouse (this can go either way) sees that you pay attention. You know that they listen to you. You know they are willing to do that small thing (like cleaning the kitchen) everyday to make your life a little easier, then it’s all been worth it.
      My husband does those things for me a lot. With four children, he knows having a clean kitchen (that I didn’t have to clean) is like feeling like you hit the lotto some days! Lol
      Great read. Thank you!

    • #311 by Nancy on September 30, 2013 - 8:52 am

      WOW, WOW, WOW – what insight. We should all enter every relationship not to receive but to give – it would change the world. I loved that statement – I am different!! So many want a relationship for all the wrong reasons and when trouble comes or attraction fades so does the marriage. Great insight for both men and women :-)

    • #312 by anonymous on October 16, 2013 - 9:33 am

      I especially like the part about how you and your wife are like two yoked mules!

    • #313 by abigailtuffour on December 17, 2013 - 5:17 am

      nice to meet you this my yahoomail id abigailtuffour713@yahoo.com

  176. #314 by tcgconsultant on September 9, 2013 - 11:23 am

    Reblogged this on The Clean Game and commented:
    Worth reading a few times a year, even if you’re not in a relationship! :D
    Awesome!

  177. #315 by John Valenti on September 9, 2013 - 11:15 am

    Totally appropriate. I will use this as a guide going forward!

  178. #316 by Hansueter on September 9, 2013 - 6:27 am

    Why is divorce never the woman’s fault? I’ve seen quite a few different versions similar to this and its always directed towards the man. I tthink this is great into for either sex!

    • #317 by Anonymous on September 9, 2013 - 11:22 am

      I’ve read, and it made sense to me, that a fundamental failure in our culture is that of the husband failing as a leader in his relationship and family. A leader in the family does not give up, does not make excuses and always holds his Love in the highest light. As a husband and father we must persevere in our stand for love to be present. Be a rock, steady and sturdy, unwavering. Remember though that a marriage must be a team effort, choose your spouse wisely. Not all people have the same idea about personal responsibility. My first wife, who is the mother to my two children, was ALWAYS and still in her subsequent relationships, looking for SOMETHING / ANYTHING / SOMEONE to blame for her experience – all the while not even realizing that all her complaints are her own creation / chosen perspective. We all must be diligent to look at our selves first to be responsible for how we percoeve the world AND be diligent that we are spending our mental energy to create the experiences we want with our intentions and our heart. In a relationship that is fullfilling BOTH parties must practice this.

  179. #318 by Papiya on September 9, 2013 - 2:03 am

    Thanks for sharing such a lovely post. I must say what a bright idea of tying knot with a lovely
    soul-mate! Your post evokes the memories of my D-day. Can’t wait for your next post; keep
    posting. For wedding pics and ideas; visit Koncept Bandhan.

  180. #319 by funbilemobile on September 8, 2013 - 5:56 pm

    Reblogged this on funbilemobile.

  181. #320 by grant on September 8, 2013 - 1:11 pm

    Why is it always about the woman ? What about the man? Should it not be about both parties???? Bit sexist…

    • #321 by Hiya on September 9, 2013 - 3:21 am

      My friend, if you need to, pretend this is a woman giving this advice to women about marriage. As men, we have had more than enough time on earth here “having our way”. In this time both sexes have contributed to tipping the scales iut of balance toward the male driven ego. The balance is restored here and now with us standing in our power and fully accepting the work that both sexes need to do in order to fix what is hurting. As a man, feel free to take the advice and treat her in a good way. If you can follow this advice and have it ring true in your heart, than the world is healing with you.
      Sincerely,
      A single dude

      • #322 by Shannon on September 20, 2013 - 1:18 pm

        Good response Hiya. It’s not “always about the woman”.
        Luckily there are men reading this that get it.

  182. #323 by Conni on September 8, 2013 - 9:37 am

    Very inspiring and helpful! We all take love for granted at one point and another.

  183. #324 by Anonymous on September 7, 2013 - 7:12 pm

    I made the right moves by leaving the man I loved 18 years ago and giving way my heart to the man that loves me dearly with his heart and soul.
    Within 2 years with my precious man, he really put an effort to make me smile and never let me cry or sad.
    We, woman should give them chances to prove that they(man) are worthy to stay with us.
    To all the man out there..
    To be love is wonderful
    Wonderful can create a lot of happiness
    Sincerely from me, Hanin Ainon

  184. #325 by bukkym on September 7, 2013 - 10:31 am

    Reblogged this on Life, Style & Fashion.

  185. #326 by balauru on September 7, 2013 - 9:27 am

    Reblogged this on The anonymous depressive.

  186. #327 by Asiyah Rashid on September 6, 2013 - 4:27 pm

    Beautifully inspiring

  187. #328 by Primus Rabb Jr. on September 6, 2013 - 12:38 pm

    I found this article very inspiring, encouraging, and extremely uplifting, I plan on sharing it with as many people as possible. We need more of these testimonies from broken men.

  188. #329 by Anonymous on September 6, 2013 - 2:05 am

    The truly sad part about this article is by the time most men/women come to realize the importance of their relationship it is often to little to late.

  189. #330 by Spike Farrell on September 6, 2013 - 1:49 am

    Divorce damages everyone involved, but many people think that only the woman gets hurt. Wrong! My relationship of 23 years collapsed a while back, and I was put through hell by my ex-wife, the lies and mis-information she gave to my friends, absolutely shocking! If you would like more on this matter, please go to spikefarrellsurvivingdivorce.blogspot.com ,it will be worth your while. This blog will help you, and add to your surviving divorce.

  190. #331 by Flipflop on September 5, 2013 - 10:20 pm

    I too am divorced after 16 years of marriage. I do think there is a lot to be learned from the experience. You do take time to reflect on the past and of course, we think of how to make future relationships better. I think #3 is a very important one for all couples to remember. Newlyweds always say that they will last forever. It’ll never happen to them. It’s important to remember, either party can leave at ANY time!!! For ANY reason! I finally realized one day that I didn’t HAVE to take mental abuse anymore.

  191. #332 by blackwatertown on September 5, 2013 - 8:39 pm

    Interesting post – but no matter how closely one follows the points – there is no guarantee. It’s not within your control – which is both an exhortation to try harder and a realistic warning that it may still not work out even so.

  192. #333 by vanessa on September 5, 2013 - 8:36 pm

    Wonderful to see a man’s perspective on love lost and the lessons learned from it to share with others. I believe we ALL can learn from it in keeping and staying in a marriage.

  193. #334 by nikziead on September 5, 2013 - 6:13 pm

    Reblogged this on Welcome To Nikky's Love Corner and commented:
    Nice one there.

  194. #335 by Lisa on September 5, 2013 - 11:16 am

    So incredibly beautiful. Good for you for learning from the lesson. Sad that it was not in time and that your (former) wife’s pain may be another’s gain. GOD bless you both. Stick with your advice, seek one of like mind who will react “in kind” and you will truly have a beautiful gift.

  195. #336 by chert and gneiss on September 4, 2013 - 6:18 pm

    Reblogged this on Calm after the storm.

  196. #337 by fforfuckyou on September 4, 2013 - 12:30 pm

    Reblogged this on fforfuckyou.

    • #338 by Anonymous on September 4, 2013 - 3:11 pm

      Sounds like a woman wrote this.

      • #339 by JM on September 13, 2013 - 6:11 pm

        Absolutely!!

  197. #340 by Jorge on September 4, 2013 - 12:14 pm

    Everything on this writing can be found in any women’s magazine at some point or another. I was married for 10 years to a woman to whom I gave just about everything that is recommended here and she still took off with another guy. People change, period; especially when you marry young. Every person does things for their own reasons and nothing you do will “make her want to stay” if she has already decided to leave. These recommendations are great to keep things going in a marriage where BOTH individuals make the commitment to follow them. No one sided application of this, or any other advice for that matter, will make a difference. That, my friends is the reality of any relationship. My ONE piece of advice is this… find someone that can put up with the worst of you and from whom you are willing to do the same. Once you can do that, all the pretty little things in this writing can help keep you going. If you can’t commit to your partner’s worst, then you’re not committed at all. With that said, never put up with abuse or ridiculous one sided demands. If you are in an abusive relationship, get out.

    • #341 by Anonymous on September 4, 2013 - 1:32 pm

      this one makes more sense to me. Its all in the womens magazines. So unrealistic and puts to much pressure on both partners. the last sentence is so true , if your in an abusive relationship, get out. Elaine

    • #342 by Anonymous on September 5, 2013 - 6:59 am

      I agree with you.

  198. #343 by Anonymous on September 4, 2013 - 8:05 am

    What a wonderful reflection as a female I really appreciated the compassion of the accounting of what had gone wrong and more so the ownership. As a female I had to assume that the ex was also at fault as it takes 2 to tango. Absolutely a great read and I hope the movie will include the Bruno Mars song I should have bought you flowers.

  199. #344 by Jennifer Lent-Trimble on September 4, 2013 - 7:25 am

    This is wonderful advise that should be followed not only by the husband but the wife as well. The wife needs to cherish her husband everyday in the same way because he too CHOSE her. To all you people complaining how this is BS because you did everything right & you relationship still failed, 1. This isn’t a promise to a 100% problem free relationship, only a way how you can go into one with opened eyes & heart & allow the love you have in the beginning to remain there throughout the length of your relationship in order to better appreciate & understand & stand by your partner in good times & bad, & 2, read it again because you obviously missed the part about not faulting your partner for your emotions. Find where you went wrong & need healing. As an ex wife myself I do know that loving isn’t enough but also that it does take 2 an at some point both parties are at fault somewhere & when you accept that you can start accepting your partners pain & begin to heal. You may never heal together, but you are not like he said responsible to change your partner only to let them know you are there to comfort & hear them & to be the foundation they need.

  200. #345 by builds on September 4, 2013 - 4:52 am

    Good day! Would you mind if I share your blog with my facebook
    group? There’s a lot of people that I think would really enjoy your content.
    Please let me know. Cheers

    • #346 by jrl on September 4, 2013 - 9:37 am

      Of course. -JRL

  201. #347 by Beverly on September 3, 2013 - 9:47 pm

    My ex that I was martied to for 20 years should have had these to read daily! He did the complete opposite of all of them. :(

  202. #348 by Anonymous_Reader on September 3, 2013 - 8:57 pm

    I agree with what many people are saying. Yes, marriage and relationships are a two way street. However, I think the point of this article (as pointed out by the title) is to express the male perspective to succeeding in a marriage. Of course many of the points the writer brings up apply to women as well, but this is what HE thinks HE could have done better to contribute to the relationship. It was a beautiful read. And as a woman I believe that the female in the relationship should also abide by these words of wisdom.

  203. #349 by EqualityOverQuantity on September 3, 2013 - 3:39 am

    All of this is great, but what should the woman be doing to keep the man in her life happy? Relationships and marriage are a two way street, it shouldn’t be the man who has to do all the work and every romantic gesture.

    I should realise that ‘She chose me’ – but she should realise that ‘I chose her’ too…

    • #350 by Genericmommy on September 3, 2013 - 6:19 pm

      Yes women should most definitely be doing the same things. The point of his article though, was to talk to men because..he is a man.
      You are right , if only one person in the relationship is working on it, obviously it is not going to work. Marriage is damn hard. It takes two to tango, but sometimes one of the parties truly is not at fault and has done everything they could before giving up. Sometimes each person will work hard but at different times, that does not work either.
      If we can learn to understand what he said “FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM” we would be more receptive to each other.

      • #351 by antilemming on September 4, 2013 - 10:01 am

        “It takes two to tango, but sometimes one of the parties truly is not at fault and has done everything they could before giving up.”

        I would say this EXCEEDINGLY rare. More often then not, one party may THINK they are not at fault.

    • #352 by genjeny@hotmail.com on September 3, 2013 - 7:44 pm

      This was a perspective from a man’s point of view. HIS part, HIS ROLL as husband. If men weren’t so worried about what’s in it for them, and take responsibility for themselves, their behaviors, words and actions, drop the selfishness, they wouldn’t need to ask what a woman should be doing to keep her man happy. “Happy wife, happy life” is what you’d get. There is no disputing there are many differences between men and woman. Women are givers, nurtures, even to the point of their own detriment, if her needs were being met, so, too, would yours. It’s an automatic response.

      • #353 by antilemming on September 4, 2013 - 10:06 am

        Sounds like you don’t know women very well and perhaps have a touch of misandry. Interesting that you believe that women are saints and men are dirt. If you are straight-female, I feel bad for your husband/bf…if you are male, you should learn to self respect.

        So in your belief that men and women are so inherently different and since you are so quick to point female-virtures, are there any male-virtues (other then their utility to women)?

  204. #354 by Janice on September 3, 2013 - 2:04 am

    I wish my soon to be ex would read this article and take note. He is to selfish for that. I was always giving, giving and giving, and all he did was take, take, and take. He was never a good husband, father and not a provider. He wouldn’t talk to me and had no respect for me either. He always put his friends before his wife and children. I don’t understand how he could do this. He tells me he can’t stand for me to touch him or to see me. I’m the one who should be feeling this way. I did everything I could to try to make him happy and be close to him but he ignored me. I wasn’t important enough. If he had treated me half as kind as he did his friends then we might could have made it.

    • #355 by Sandy on September 3, 2013 - 10:55 pm

      My husband is the same way. I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like I’m beating a dead horse, or that I’m nagging over and over again when I tell him how I feel, but he just doesn’t listen. I know he hears me, but he just doesn’t listen. I give my all for our marriage and I don’t know why. It’s exhausting, depressing, and pathetic when I get nothing in return.
      I have told him numerous times that I feel like his roommate (when he feels like talking to me), nanny, housekeeper, and house manager.
      He’s cheated on me. I should divorce him; I know I should. It’s so, so dumb not to.

      • #356 by Anonymous on September 13, 2013 - 8:13 am

        I could have wrote this post! Every sentence describes my marriage with the exception of being a provider.I am staying for four more years until my youngest goes to college. I am starting to build a life for myself beginning now… and I feel so free and empowered and a sense of joy that I have not felt in years! I’m losing weight, volunteering, teaching children in bible study, restarting my business that i gave up to help him build his and making friends. I want more than $ I want love!!

    • #357 by Anonymous on September 6, 2013 - 8:43 am

      Dear, Janice

      A marriage is a relationship and when that ship is no longer able to take out to sea, it’s time to repair it or abonden it!!! Reading your comment above makes me feel sorry for you and your children one because you have stayed in the relationship too long, and secondly you have subjected your children to a very unhealthy family core. (A Lesson I Learned Myself) So with that Please find it with in your self, the STRONG Woman that you are, Loving MOM and Provider to move on, let GO …. Move Forward to the next Chapter in Your Life.
      May your heart be filled again with love and compassion for another when the time is right but remember the charter, traits and past challenges in your life.
      May you forgive but we must not forget, we as Women need to be less Co-Dependant ! May Your New Journey Be Better Than Ever, and Your Relationship with Your Children grow Stronger than ever !!!

  205. #358 by GB on September 2, 2013 - 7:40 pm

    At this point in my marriage (verge of divorce), I find things like this to be such bullshit.

    I did all the things I was supposed to. I was very attentive, I let her pick the house, the furniture, was 100% transparent, romantic, bought flowers, sent cards, blah, blah, blah, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

    I caught her having an affair with a wealthy ex (also married). When I found out about the affair, I said I wanted to make it work… Guess what? She still denies the affair, even though I had rock-sold iron clad evidence.

    Wise up, guys — Sometimes, it just ain’t gonna work.

    • #359 by genjeny@hotmail.com on September 3, 2013 - 7:57 pm

      I’m sorry for your situation, GB. Your attitude on this subject is understandable. You are in the unique situation of understanding too, from experience, what most women go through in relationships. The shoe being on the other foot, as it were. An advantage and a good thing. Do unto others. Don’t think of this a bullshit. It’s not. And it does work. It is she, you’re wife, that doesn’t work. Don’t make someone else pay for her issues and don’t stop being the man you are.

      • #360 by antilemming on September 4, 2013 - 5:33 pm

        In my experience there is nothing unique about GB’s experience. Women certainly aren’t saints or perpetually oppressed. The difference is men are simply expected to “man up” and take it.

    • #361 by Michelle on September 4, 2013 - 1:04 am

      His wife might have felt the same way. He may be naming a lot of things he DIDN’T DO that he should have done…you know, 20/20 hindsight.

  206. #362 by Surya on September 2, 2013 - 1:13 pm

    not everything that was said is true,
    some of them I agree.
    first, when you get married you should know the purpose of it.
    just like life, human life has purpose.
    when you do find the purpose, share the purpose with the beloved one.

    woman did change alot of time.
    and sometime it makes man difficult to understand them.
    so….
    the best tips to make a marriadge last forever ever after is :
    accept each other whether the weakness or the strength.
    people need acceptance and apreciation.
    people do not really need to be worship everyday.

    thank you.

    • #363 by jrl on September 2, 2013 - 1:36 pm

      “first, when you get married you should know the purpose of it.” Very good. Thank you for this. If you wouldn’t mind, please elaborate, and we’ll post your comments in the “Women’s response…” article.

      • #364 by Anonymous on October 27, 2013 - 3:21 am

        I have known my husband for 10 n other guy for 9 years i couldnt know who is the one i love . after that i married with my husband , After one year I realize m not loving my husband anymore since before we married . Everything change since he doesn’t care n let other guy came since last 9 years . I really regret that don’t know the one I really love

    • #365 by Ganny on September 2, 2013 - 7:21 pm

      I agreed with you Surya, married with purpose. My ex-husband married me for – I am his superannuation guarantee only, I am aware a lot of marriage are for the financial convenient only, should they both stay together for this purpose then it should be fine. but when the provider been cheated, manipulated as a pretentious genuine love & drain financially, it’s terrible & nightmare for the rest of my life.

  207. #366 by Jakes on September 2, 2013 - 1:08 pm

    Very valuable insights given from an experience that rocks your world. I have been married to two woman and both marriages failed. I have lived with someone I’ve loved since school for 9 months. In my opinion, I have tried my utmost to be patient, understanding, tolerant etc. At some point your humanity can’t handle false accusations, scewed perceptions and basically the inability to trust. I got angry, I spoke loud (ended up shouting) and my worst defense mechanism is hurling hurting words I don’t mean to say.

    needless to say – it didn’t work. My heart is broken and I am emotionally devastated. We love each other so very much but her past issues and lack of self-love and acceptance, my (unbeknown to me) issues from my previous marriages and issues with our individual children caused one extremely sad breakup.

    If I had to follow the advise above, things may have been very different, however, I may have ended up feeling like the tar road everyone drives over, not being able to express my own frustrations and disappointments.

    I will give so much to be happily married to this woman, my dream woman. I would be willing to go another round if “What counts for me Counts for her” .

    Men are not emotional rocks – we also feel and hurt!

  208. #367 by akalite chiamaka sylvia on September 2, 2013 - 11:49 am

    It I̶̲̥̅̊S̤̈ a great advice not only for married couples non for the divorced,but also for those planing †̥ enter into d institution(marriage)

  209. #368 by meerpat on September 2, 2013 - 10:38 am

    Reblogged this on MeerPat♥ and commented:
    This is true :D

  210. #369 by Anonymous on September 2, 2013 - 10:38 am

    I am divorced after 15 years of marriage. I felt that it was all my fault for the failure of the marriage. I tried everyday.
    Now 3 years later I have realized that it was not all my fault. Marriage is a 2 way street. You can’t just give all the time and receive nothing back. Your spouse has to give back to you in the relationship.
    This is a great article but no one should be in a marriage where they are giving all the time and not receiving anything back. It can and most likely will lead to hurt feelings, resentment and divorce.

  211. #370 by sfoxwriting on September 2, 2013 - 7:54 am

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    http://sfoxwriting.com/2013/09/02/daily-song-sinnerman/

  212. #371 by LanceSmith on September 2, 2013 - 6:57 am

    I believe all of these points apply equally to men and women. Arguably, one the mistakes too many men make is they are so willing to give in a relationship that they do not take time to realize that their happiness is just as important. If you have a wife that has stopped courting or constantly sees to worst in you or blames your for her constantly getting frustrated or wants to change who you are, etc..etc..etc your marriage won’t last long either. I don’t know what happened in your relationship or why it fell apart, but I guarantee there was plenty of blame to go around. I completely agree: “marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work.” The key is – and what seems to be missing here – is that it takes work for BOTH parties.

  213. #372 by catnipkiss on September 1, 2013 - 5:16 pm

    really beautiful, and if someone is in a marriage and needs to strengthen it, this is all really good advice. HOWEVER, not all marriages are meant to last. I am extremely glad I am not still married to the man I had 15 years and 2 kids with. If someone is abusive, cheating, or harmful to you in any way, it’s okay to say “I’m done!” Marriage is an outdated concept, and forever rarely happens, and often it should NOT happen. Having said that….Yes, I would love it if a man did all of these things, but only if I were reciprocating. The question should be what can I give, not what am I getting. If both parties feel this way, what a lovely partnership that would be!

  214. #373 by Laura Woodsl on September 1, 2013 - 11:59 am

    People often ask me how we have survived 38 years of marriage. Longevity is a feat most think of as remarkable for someone of our generation, who have not done notoriously well remaining committed to their marriages. My most typical response is to describe it as a roller coaster ride with ups and downs. The joy producing highs and lows that have you looking askance at your decision. To survive the depths of the low spots in one’s relationship, you make a conscious decision to ride them out or bail out. When you look back and ponder the ride, there is a sense of thrill and comfort and gratitude when you have chosen to hold on tight and stay the course. . A glimpse of hope is provided that will carry you through the peaks and valleys ahead.

    Thank you for your profound words and sentiment! My intention is to include your list in each wedding card that I give in the future. Perhaps in anniversary cards as well, to encourage those who have journeyed far together to continue in the path with hope and LOVE.

    Your words have come to find me at an opportune time, a moment of angst. They have lifted me up and motivated me, please know that I am grateful!

  215. #374 by Anonymous on September 1, 2013 - 8:29 am

    wow, so true, every married couple need to read and practice this.

  216. #375 by Joe Young on September 1, 2013 - 6:42 am

    I’ve been married twice. Once for a little over a year and this time for over 37. I’ve tried to follow these things, and probably have failed miserably. But I’m still happily married. My wife and I are still in love. I believe that only death will part us. These ideas are so true.

  217. #376 by TM on August 31, 2013 - 9:29 pm

    What happens when you’ve done all of these things and more, then SHE decides she wants to change everything about herself. This change encompasses doing drugs, drinking, having affairs, dying her hair all different colors, getting large tattoos, etc. What do you do when you continue to try to keep the marriage together even when she repeatedly tells you she’s done and wants nothing to do with you, and wants to take the children from their home to live in a shack without running water and no real space for them to be able to have their own privacy? I could keep going on, but I think the point would be moot, she has radically changed, and I have spent so much time hurting and waiting for her to come back. I have finally realized that this is not going to happen, so I am ready to move on. I don’t need feedback or answers to my questions, because I don’t think they exist. This is a great article, and I do agree that divorce rates would plummet if more people payed attention to the advice offered. That being said, it definitely is a two way street. Marriage is about being selfless. It is about loving and caring for someone else more than yourself. This needs to be done by both parties, and can be toxic when it is not. I hit a low and put a shot gun in my mouth. It took that low to get me to realize that point, and I just want to caution others from that. The best point of this article is to emphasize that you still need to love and guard yourself while maintaining a balance of greater love for her/him. Be careful, however, to recognize when someone is only going to continue causing harm to you and be responsive to it.

    • #377 by B Y on September 1, 2013 - 7:28 pm

      TM…..i know you said no need to reply…..so forgive me but all you need to do is go get the kids…don’t wait just trust me….ive been where you are and I waited until my oldest had a black eye…ill never forgive myself…I now have custody, it can be done and all is well…its been a privelege….Remember you cannot love someone that doesnt love themself!

  218. #378 by jennyrocajenny on August 31, 2013 - 9:10 pm

    …this can be used as a homily……

  219. #379 by JJ on August 31, 2013 - 4:31 pm

    Wow. This wonderfully written article from one persons perspective was beautiful to read. Whether anyone agrees or disagrees with this article is not the point. This man laid bare his soul after quite possibly long hours of inner reflection as to why he ended up where he is. We now live in a throw away world and I wonder how many take the time to do this rather than rushing into another relationship without a thought as to why the last one failed.

    The article is not about you nor I, it is about the person who wrote it. It is not up for debate whether his advice is right or wrong. There is no right or wrong when feelings are put into words and the choice is ours whether to take something good, learn from it, and apply it to our own lives in whatever way is suitable. It can be adjusted,changed, and molded to any situation.

    The high of falling in love with someone new is a powerful drug indeed. It is much harder to keep falling in love with the person you promised forever and a day to. My question to all is… why is it that the thought of losing a pet breaks our heart, no matter how many times it annoys us? Yet we let the person we promised to love forever slip through our fingers.

    Josh Billings
    “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.”

    I feel privileged to have read this mans story, his perspective from a male point of view is one I never would have known if not shared. It is easy to trash our ex significant others, and oh so hard to man up and take responsibility for our own actions. Every time you point a finger at someone else there are three pointing back at you.

    • #380 by Anonymous on September 1, 2013 - 9:09 am

      Well said :)

  220. #381 by Frank Wunder on August 31, 2013 - 2:27 pm

    This is good advice from an idealistic point of view in which both people are working towards the same goals.

    This is also horrible advice as how many people will really want to commit to living out such ideals when there is the risk that they will not reciprocated?

    I would think the real “charge” to men would be to accept the challenge of singleness and celibacy over a life of marriage and love. If you want to talk about sacrifice and selflessness sometimes it starts and ends with one person and one person alone.

    I wish the best to all the men who are married or are planning to be married and I hope both partners in the marriage will follow this advice. But I won’t get my hopes up.

  221. #382 by ewcollins on August 31, 2013 - 11:52 am

    * The best thing about being divorced is not having to check with anyone or get anyone else’s permission to do something. I can now generally do whatever I want. I also never have plans made for me to do things with people that I do not even like.

    * My main regret about being married was that I ever spent any time with any of my former wife’s family or friends. Although I would be in trouble if I did not attend family gatherings, when I did show up, nobody was that happy to see me anyway. They would, however, complain to my former wife if I was not there. What a waste of my time!

    • #383 by Anonymous on September 1, 2013 - 1:10 pm

      Life IS what you make it.

    • #384 by Dawgus on September 1, 2013 - 8:58 pm

      I made the run for 22 years and I am probably more guilty than anyone for leaving for “irreconcilable differences” vs one of us being drug addicted or alcoholic or violent. By all societal measures, we were a great couple (and one adult child when divorced). I also admire Gerald Rogers’ observations and beliefs – most have been around for decades or longer, some are fresh.

      Like EWCollins and Frank Wunder, however, I realized it is not teamwork anymore. Men are portrayed in all wallks of life as unappreciated mindless providers who are not cool and worthy only of being ridiculed and to be the butt of jokes. It started on TV/media with the Al Bundy “Married with Children” approach to entertaining the sheeple and it is now a way of life in America. Bank accounts are drained and men (usually) retire in poor health and unable to enjoy what they provided for others (and no one else there to help them). It is selfless for sure, but old fashioned.

      After trying to model positive career and physical fitness to inspire the “team” approach to life and love, it became clear there would only be one to carry the water – a noble calling, but I failed at trying to adjust to whatever is/was thrown at me and chose to forge ahead with my own healthy emotional and physical life. Many will call me a failure and a quitter, but I pay alimony and like EWCollins says, I do not have to keep up appearances with people who share no interest in the things which keep me emotionally and phsyically healthy.

  222. #385 by Christine Morgan on August 31, 2013 - 10:28 am

    It takes a real man to admit when he is at fault, unlike my ex who has been married for the second time around and still believing that he is perfect its all his first wife and my fault spreading lies feeding on the pity of others, that is childish, unattactive and a real turn off to an inteligent woman. “Men” women wants a real man take this from a real woman and a man with real experience who learned the hard way and still be a real man about it. That takes good character and gutts, “that’s a turn on”.

  223. #386 by nack on August 31, 2013 - 10:08 am

    I believe men owe it to themselves to not only practice these pieces of advice, but to also have the self respect to realize when they’re the only one contributing to the relationship.
    Let’s face it, you can do every one of those things but if your partner doesn’t reciprocate, then they don’t deserve you.

  224. #387 by Lorraine on August 31, 2013 - 7:35 am

    Love is valuable!

  225. #388 by jeny on August 31, 2013 - 7:27 am

    I’ve been married for 14 yrs.my relationship with my husband is not so good.in short his been unfaithful with me 3 x through the 14 yrs.one of his relationship lasted 4 yrs from day we got married.I caught that and forgave him.he did it again with a different women.of course I forgave him again bec of our kids.did It again until finally since d last 2 yrs he settled. I’m the one that change.I didn’t mean it but yes I fell love with a guy.he caught me and forgave me.my problem now is I can’t love him anymore.after all d pain I’ve been through…I wish I could be that perfect wife again for him.I wish he would have took good care of my heart..

  226. #389 by fikayo on August 31, 2013 - 6:20 am

    I reblogged this and posted my response from a feminine POVE here http://spiceplaza.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/gerald-rogers-advice-after-a-divorce-a-feminine-response/

  227. #390 by Annonymous on August 31, 2013 - 5:51 am

    Am short of words cos this write up is lovely beyond words…

  228. #391 by Niels Anonymous on August 31, 2013 - 4:10 am

    maybe they are great insights…great instructions to follow…however,i think every life is different.not all of the above mentioned advices will work,in some lives none of them work.but who i am to say eh?…in 25 yrs of my age i might not have seen or experienced anything of the vast life waiting ahead of me.but i have one last question?why does these advices say – you(men) should to do this…should do that…..blah blah…goes on and on…..why doesnt the woman have to do anything??

    • #392 by Barbara White on August 31, 2013 - 1:59 pm

      When I read this I automatically thought “this goes for both men & women”! Of course it takes BOTH to make/keep a good marriage! It’s just written from the guys perspective! Never ALL just the wife OR hubby’s responsibility to “make the marriage strong.”

  229. #393 by Alice on August 31, 2013 - 2:25 am

    A marriage is sacred and the most important relationship in life. These things listed are all lovely – things which both the man and woman should strive to put into practice for the sake of their marriage. But in reality man’s love can only go so far and last so long. Man’s love is like an empty glove – even if there is human love, that love, like the glove is empty. Only God’s love is real and infinite and only when you allow Christ’s love to enter into you, like the hand into a glove, can you truly love another being, and only from this can a person experience real love in full.

    • #394 by Andrew on August 31, 2013 - 8:40 pm

      Wow Alice…. might I just say spot on, and can you please pray for my wife and I because we are separated. You may not know me, but God knows who you’re praying for, thank you

      • #395 by Alice on September 2, 2013 - 12:41 am

        May the Lord fully gain you both through all the struggles and reveal Himself and His purpose on the earth today to you Andrew!

  230. #396 by Adonike frank on August 31, 2013 - 12:49 am

    That’s a very good advice,many pple are ignorant of d fact dt marriage needs preparation and knowledge cos marriage is a covenant nt contract.

  231. #397 by Adamma on August 30, 2013 - 7:58 pm

    Great insight but it is always easier said than done. We kinda realise these truths when the relationship is over or almost over. I wish our Nigerian men, especially those living in Nigeria will read this. It will change many relationships forever.. even mine. Thanks for sharing. I am sharing it right away too.

  232. #398 by Jerald Dastrup on August 30, 2013 - 7:43 pm

    As I read these comments I wonder why most everybody thinks this is such wonderful advise. The author hasn’t built a prototype that works.
    I don’t agree with a lot of his points. I look for wisdom from those whose ideals have worked. The proof is in the pudding. If you want to be married for 50 – 60 years go seek know how from somebody that has been married that long. But, always remember the operator’s manual for everything in this life is the scriptures.
    We’ve only been married for 37 years which, I admit, isn’t very long but it is a pretty good start. I’ll keep getting advice from people that were married before I was born not heart broken losers.

    • #399 by lee bartonb on August 31, 2013 - 6:20 am

      Jerald if ppl today followed only half of this guys advice.. divorce rates would plummet.. ppl often learn hard lessons in times of tragedy.. ” you don’t know what you got till its gone” if often very true..

    • #400 by babybird on August 31, 2013 - 8:11 am

      What an interesting perspective, calling him a heartbroken loser. You’ve been married for 37 years, but there’s one thing you’re missing that you can’t offer advice on. A divorce. He has life experience that gives him the ability to offer advice on being a better spouse – since he failed the first time. In my opinion, with failures come success. His advice and perspective mean more to me (and many others) than yours ever will…even with your 37 years. And don’t you think it’s time to stop calling people names? You’re kindof old for that…being married 37 years and all…

      • #401 by Michelle on September 4, 2013 - 1:32 am

        Amen babybird. In the case of the author, he took his experience and learned from it. Not all people learn from their failures. But those who do are so much the richer for it. His insights as to what happened and what he maybe should have done differently are priceless. I am personally very thankful that he has shared those with the world. Many of us need them.

  233. #402 by tjgypsyhippie on August 30, 2013 - 7:37 pm

    Reblogged this on tjgypsyhippie.

  234. #403 by Anonymous on August 30, 2013 - 5:55 pm

    Thanks for writing I know now I need to let go of my past because. I lost a woman who I could talk to and laugh with and each day got stionger when she was in my arms but I lost her so I have a lot of time to get it right someday but I lost a real woman so I have to find a way to forgive my self for doing the wrong thing the past is to be in the past but I’m going to try to fix my future so I can be thank for still being alive because. When I with her she made me look at living again

  235. #404 by Anonymous on August 30, 2013 - 4:08 pm

    Somebody read Dave Deida!

  236. #405 by Anonymous on August 30, 2013 - 4:06 pm

    Good advice. Now some real talk. Women have the power. If they don’t abuse it, then all this works great. As soon as sex is used to negotiate and punish…forget it.

    • #406 by Rachel on September 4, 2013 - 12:47 am

      I read through so many stupid comments and didn’t reply , but yours takes the cake. “As soon as sex is used to negotiate and punish” was what you said. Unless you are literally talking about your wife saying ” okay, I’m mad at you but if you give me an hour of foreplay I will forgive you” then you are ridiculous. If you upset your wife and she doesn’t want to have sex with you that is a reasonable choice. Why would she want to make love with someone who was upsetting her? Should she pretend to be aroused and give you sex if she doesn’t want it? I know some religious people feel that way, and it is supposedly a rule for both sexes, but I think the guy wins there. I mean, if he’s not in the mood then he cant get the equipment to work, so she’s out of luck. This article is meant to be a guide for men. Obviously it is implied that women should do the same for the husbands. So many commentors say you shouldn’t do this because of the risk that she won’t reciprocate. That thinking is the problem with relationships, the fear of giving and not getting back and the selfishness of not giving before being asked. We have to give our spouse unconditional love like we give to our children. Our kids tick us off and say hurtful things sometimes but we still love them and cherish them. This is how you stay married. The author is just giving his opinion on what works, not saying the man should do it all.

      • #407 by michaeleriksson on September 4, 2013 - 12:31 pm

        I too have been sorely tempted to reply to a great number of comments, but have usually repressed the urge and not intended to make further comments. Since you have not resisted your urge, I make an exception.:

        Considering the many, many stupid comments that have been made, I cannot in anyway share your assessment. In fact, there is a fair chance that your comment (!) takes the cake…

        This includes tone, destructiveness, a too one-sided take, and the high likelihood that you have not understood the above comment by anonymous, which _likely_ refers to more deliberate withholding of sex or use of sex as a manipulative tool by the woman. (While I do not think it to be as common as anonymous appears to do, it does happen—and I suspect that the reason that it does not happen a lot more often is simply that the female sex-drive is fully comparable to the male.)

      • #408 by Rachel on September 5, 2013 - 11:27 am

        Michaeleriksson, my comment obviously struck a chord with you. While your comment is well written I don’t see how it applies to my comment. You say you disagree with my “tone, destrutivness, and a too one-sided take”. I wish you would elaborate on what is one sided or destructive. I do agree that I should not have used the word stupid when referring to anonymous’ comment, however my message is about how people should give without thinking of what they will get in return. This message is neither destructive or one sided. Each person should be able to give without expecting to receive, regardless of their gender . If we could do this then the people in our lives would likely follow suit. If someone in your life continued to be manipulative then it would be clear that they were not deserving of your efforts. I do not believe that to be a one sided point of view, or destructive. Perhaps I did misunderstand anonymous’ comment, and some women can be manipulative, just as some men can be but I still think the comment was unrelated to the original post. The man was saying what he personally did wrong and would do differently, not what every man should do in every situation. This is a beautiful insight on what a husband can do to protect a healthy marriage, not how to fix a broken relationship or keep a manipulative person from playing dirty in their marriage.

      • #409 by michaeleriksson on September 6, 2013 - 4:13 pm

        I grant that the latter parts of your comment are far better than the earlier; however, if you go back to the comment and try to read it as an impartial observer, you might see what I am talking about. What comes across is that you consider Anonymous an idiot, have no diplomacy, and have no interest in having anything even resembling a constructive dialog. (I stress, to avoid misunderstandings, both that impressions can deceive and that we all can lose patience from time to time.) Furthermore, your reaction comes over a likely harmless comment which could very well contain a valuable (if exaggerated) observation. (Unfortunately, this commment by Anonymous is vague and could be construed in different ways, which is why I make no definite statement here. However, you have almost certainly misunderstood it.)

        As for your apparent criticism of the comment as off topic, I cannot share your view. It may not deal with the exact theme of the post, but it is sufficiently related. More generally, the comments that point to different aspects of a topic (or point to flaws in a post) are usually the most valuable—far more so than a hundred “Me too!”, “You’re so right!”, whatnot.

        By analogy I have nothing against criticism of other commenters, per se. I would encourage you, however, not to be uncivil without provocation and to not attack comments you have not understood. If you do attack, try to find a worthier target, e.g. one of the many women who have dropped a “My husband has to read this!” comment (with variations).

  237. #410 by Mark Frajbis on August 30, 2013 - 3:12 pm

    Wise and encouraging words needed badly by so many, especially with divorce rates so high! Thanks so much for sharing your heart and feelings.

  238. #411 by Anonymous on August 30, 2013 - 12:44 pm

    Finally, a man who looked honestly at the relationship and put in words his thoghts, feelings, needs and desire to have a solid relationship. The basic thoughts are shared by both men and women. We all want to feel loved, cherished, and have a partner we can trust. If both men and women stopped being so selfish and stopped bitching and pointing fingers, we might have longer happier relationships. Is it any wonder our children are confused.

  239. #412 by HitokiriBattousai on August 30, 2013 - 12:42 pm

    Reblogged this on Our lives are not our own..

  240. #413 by Chiron on August 30, 2013 - 10:24 am

    While the above words provide great insight and ring true, one must remember that both individuals in the relationship must inspire all of these things and more. We hear so often that a relationship is 50-50, however each partner must give 100% to their 50% of the relationship in order for it to endure. As many have written, there is a balance however that doesn’t mean that it is always going to be 50-50. It has to be a sliding scale so to speak, it will not always be 50-50, remember it is give and take. However, do not give with the expectation of receiving, which is not how it works. You give because it is inspired; you give in the name of love, you give out of the desire to please your partner.
    You inspire your partner to love you, you bring out the best in them and they in turn bring out the best in you. Without inspiration, there is no spark.

  241. #414 by Vivian Craig on August 30, 2013 - 9:58 am

    Love this article,men should not always think its the woman who has to make her marriage work,men should erase the believe that its a man world and stop been self centered….Marriage is beautiful and divorce is sure ugly.Nice write up

  242. #415 by SparkleNoir on August 30, 2013 - 9:44 am

    Why are so many people bitching about it being a two way street? That is a given people! If it wasn’t then you would be contending with Palmela Handerson instead of a partner. Also, for the record, forget all of this 50/50 crap. That is one of the worst misconceptions I have ever encountered. It’s 100% you each need to give. 100% to make it work. Marriage is one of the only occasions where 50% from each person doesn’t cut it.

  243. #416 by Henry Dulkiewicz on August 30, 2013 - 9:21 am

    His advise is good for a successful marriage . But the same advise for the women in the marriage ! Marriage is a 50-50 endeavor , including raising the children . This is the only way a marriage will succeed ! None of this my money & my stuff . It’s our money & our stuff . and the women must follow the same advise as this man quoted in his article . Like I said marriage is a two way street . I’ve been married it’s. Tie for 16 years , divorced & re married now for 34 yrs . & my 2nd. Marriage is the way my wonderful wife & I are handling it 50-50 on every thing we do & have done together !!!!!!!!!

  244. #417 by CJ on August 30, 2013 - 9:20 am

    Blown away at the simple insight. It’s all just written out so simply and clearly. It’s what I’ve known and have been trying to get across to my partner. I hope he gets it soon. Brought me to tears. I want to brag about my man in complete adoration.

  245. #418 by Ome Klins on August 30, 2013 - 9:18 am

    This is just a bag of truth… I liked every piece of it. Thank you

  246. #419 by Amy on August 30, 2013 - 8:27 am

    Would you say this article can be applied to boyfriends/girlfriends and not just married couples?

  247. #420 by My Info on August 30, 2013 - 7:57 am

    Best advice ever…can’t for the movie. My husband and I read this together. This advice is men (and women) of all ages. Thank you!

  248. #421 by lovesonmi451 on August 30, 2013 - 3:58 am

    *sonmi451 Quote Cloud Atlas* had to fit that part, I forgot to add it.

  249. #422 by Anonymous on August 30, 2013 - 3:42 am

    I loved this article! I have a problem with the people who responded with “The street goes both ways”, or “It is not just the man’s fault” though. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that both people are responsible. But God told MEN to love their wives as Christ loves the church. If more men truly loved their wives that deeply, passionately and strongly, then the wives would naturally do the same. I think this whole, “It takes two to make a marriage work” thing is a lie from the devil and an excuse to not try your best. If my husband has a bad day at work and comes home and bites my head off about something, that does not give me the right to treat him badly in response. I think if we all truly put our spouse and their needs above our own, there would be a lot less divorce. Love is a CHOICE, and if you aren’t trying to grow closer together, then you are growing farther apart.

    • #423 by Sharon on August 30, 2013 - 10:27 pm

      All I ever wanted and asked for – was for my husband to love me as Christ loved the church. It was obviously too much to ask. He choose to be mean, grumpy, controlling, and we were nothing but a burden to him, a liar, could not do anything right, meet his high expectations or demands no matter how hard I tried. You can’t please someone who hates himself and you can’t make them love themselves either. They are hateful, evil, abusive people trying to break you and your children down to their ugly hateful level. Not anymore for me or my children. They say misery loves company – well he lost his company by choosing to be abusive. I am better than that.

  250. #424 by honeydidyouseethat on August 30, 2013 - 1:26 am

    My son was married just over two months ago. I’ve wondered what advice to give. Thanks.

  251. #425 by Rhonda Worley on August 30, 2013 - 1:16 am

    This is absolute truth. I loved every part of it andvit absolutely applies to both husband and wife. When things get off track, and they will, it doesn’t matter who pulled back first. The reality is it takes both parties participating fully to work. The minute one falters the trust immediately withdraws and the relationship begins to unravel. The key is to be quick to recognize it, bring it to the others attention so that both are in acknowledgment of what is happening and both can agree to move from that point forward tigether…each living for the other. My husband and I have been practicing this for 8 years now andvit works!

  252. #426 by mike on August 29, 2013 - 11:57 pm

    i wonder about me, I sacrificed all I was and everything I had for my ex wife. We met in college and she got better grades she informed me we would follow her career and she was gonna go here and there and I could come if I wanted to but if not oh well. I always followed and found what ever work I could do. She eventually became a lawyer and I became a stay at home dad. The nature of the insults increased, I was a looser who cold not find good work and I could not clean the house she liked. She left me for her lawyer co-worker. They have a good life he gets to see my kids everyday, and me with my stay at home skills and crappy resume just had my phone shut off and my car insurance expired. Im almost 40 and will probably have to move back home with mom and step dad. Im am left gutted and feel hurt and shattered. And all I did was try to get more active sex life was clled a pig and pervert and ocd and bipolar for wanting to have sex more than once every 6 months. but oh well she seems to enjoy sexing her new husband everyday now. She was married in less than one year after our divorce, once in awhile she likes to come over here and insult me more or when I get the boys she is prone to get nasty with me still yet. I have never ever cried so much in my life. And no who will want a 40 yr old looser who works very hard but gets low pay. I am robbed and murdered. I hate my life. I have had to dive into church and therapy, each day I must be rigorous or else I will fall into massive depression and suicidal thoughts. I has gotten a bit better but this has been so painful and hard

    • #427 by Lindsay on August 30, 2013 - 8:54 am

      Keep your head up high, stay positive….40 is not too old at all. It’s never to late to change your career path….my husband just changed his career path and he is almost 40, you can become anything you want! Also there is nothing wrong with have been a stay at home dad, I’m a stay at home mom and its the hardest job I have had! You did what most people do, stay home with kids when person who makes more money worked, one day your ex will realize what you did for the family and hopefully apologize. One plus from it all is your kids, remember they love you and your their dad, so stay positive for them..I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work out but don’t worry there is someone else out there for you, whom you will be able to share the rest of your life with.
      Stay strong.

    • #428 by Anonymous on August 30, 2013 - 8:58 am

      I hope it gets better for you! It is now many years later, but I remember I was very insensitive toward my ex-husband. If I had it to do over, I would do it differently. I hope you will find someone who has already learned that lesson.

    • #429 by Anonymous on August 30, 2013 - 3:20 pm

      It is never too late. 40 is still young, spend 5 years at college, even if it is by correspondence, and then spend 25 years doing a job you love.

    • #430 by Anonymous on August 31, 2013 - 11:23 am

      God is a big God bigger than you own problems. He want you to know that he is first and if he first you don’t worry he have something better for you. Open your heart and believe for the woman God have for. This special woman will never leave for money or , for anything than you can think of, cause with God we have to take a step of faith in order to see his power come thru.

      This was not the woman that he had for you. That why he lifted you. Now get up speak positive and the sun shine with hope of that something good God will bring out of this. Rejoice you are in victory.

  253. #431 by wilmy on August 29, 2013 - 11:52 pm

    This is so true…. I am not married yet bt this is exactly what I want and going to get (by Gods grace) in my marraige!

  254. #432 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 11:17 pm

    Step 21: it works both ways.

  255. #433 by Bill on August 29, 2013 - 10:55 pm

    All very true, however, that street goes both ways.

    • #434 by Dana on August 30, 2013 - 7:36 am

      Bill, the only way you can have a two way street is if yours leads to an open road.

      • #435 by Connie on August 30, 2013 - 8:59 am

        A “two way street” implies that you are expecting it in return. You are saying “I will do this if you will do it for me.” Thats controlling someone else’s behavior.
        WHen we give expecting nothing, we cant be disappointed. We are blessed when they do those things and see it as a blessing instead of a requirement for our happiness. Great article.

  256. #436 by mr kim l wilson on August 29, 2013 - 10:54 pm

    I really enjoyed this reading on marriage

  257. #437 by Ruben on August 29, 2013 - 10:37 pm

    I realise how many of us, MEN have taken things for granted and also changed our lifestyle due to work and other commitments.Nevertheless the main highlight is to carry on loving the person endlessly even after marriage.You have seriously opened the eyes of many MEN including myself.Saying thanks to your simple words yet powerful actions will never be enough.Hats off to you and i am going to change myself this instance.

  258. #438 by Griffin on August 29, 2013 - 10:28 pm

    If only the man follows this advice and the wife doesn’t than the marriage is doom to fell anyway. It take both side to follow this kind of advise for a marriage to work

  259. #439 by Lisa on August 29, 2013 - 10:03 pm

    Thank-you!

  260. #440 by LSDP on August 29, 2013 - 10:00 pm

    This article applies to women as well. I just ruined a 10 year marriage. I wish I had this advice months ago. I always focused on the negative part of my marriage. I never appreciated my husband openly. We both let our marriage go. We didn’t go out as a couple. We didn’t focus on each other. He would get mad and yell and I would either yell back or cry or both. We were both stubborn. Our emotions got in the way most of the time. So finally, another man came into my life, promised me the world and I believed the jerk. I left my husband after a horrible argument one night and I went running to this “perfect man” who is now back with his wife and I’m left raising two kids alone. I’m an idiot. I hate what I did and I cannot change the past. I hope this article saves a marriage or many marriages. Mine is over. I hurt my husband too bad. But I will remember this advice for next time if given the chance to love again.

  261. #441 by Ogor Winnie Okoye on August 29, 2013 - 9:57 pm

    I totally agree with every tip in this article! I have been married for 15 years. It started off not quite what I expected until I kinda came to the realization that marriage was perhaps the hardest thing in the world and over-hauled how I approched mine. The result has been amazing! Marriage is hard work that bothers almost entirely on being selfless and placing the need of another human being before you! Something magical happens to any relationship when “love” is done through that slefless perspective! If you expect equal (50/50)contribution in all facets of your marital life, you are truly misguided and your relationship would not be based on love and definitely would eventually collapse! It is impossible to have equal reciprocity in marriage and recirpocity is actually not founded on love but on judgement! I did a you tube video some years ago on tips to a successful relationship and realized that this article mirrored my thought process. Here is the you tube video.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGRJD8sHugk

  262. #442 by Arryn on August 29, 2013 - 9:55 pm

    I am 21 years old and just so so so young. I have years ahead of me and the world at my door. recently my Girlfriend (Ex now) split up because we are on too different paths of life. One leads to med school, the other film school. The advice and ideas expressed in this piece have been the thoughts consuming me for the past month. Who must I become? How best do I support and love her from afar? Will we ever come back to us and pick up what was once the most amazing, brilliantly vibrant and alive portion of my life? After reading this article I see that I am not alone and I see the truth in the words spoken. The importance of this piece is immeasurable. Thank you for sharing this advice. thank you for not being afraid. With love in my heart I will move on becoming the man I want to be and she deserves.

  263. #443 by lee ann daniels on August 29, 2013 - 7:44 pm

    presently ending.a sixteen year. marriage. broke my. heart. have written many. thoughts. thought about. approching. a movie about. the many. experiences as well as the social emotional and spiritual ramifications

  264. #444 by Jessica Madsen on August 29, 2013 - 6:02 pm

    I think a lot of what was said is good advice but I didn’t see the team work. I have been married for almost 13 years. I let me husband be who he is and he does the same, we never go to bed mad, we never yell at each other I clean the house and he goes for a drive until we are calm and can have a rational conversation, the one thing I have learned very well is never threaten divorce it instills fear in your partner and causes a scar because your partner will almost always ask themselves if I meet in the middle is he/she going to leave me anyways. Never call each other names unless they are nice like sweetheart etc. Listen to each other even when the conversation is boring they listen to our stories we need to do the same. I was always taught marriage is 2 people that want to be together not need to be together. A need to be together is co-dependency and not healthy. The best rule is if you don’t have something nice to say keep it to yourself, don’t even tell your friends and it will never hurt anyone.

    • #445 by Ken Bridgens on August 30, 2013 - 12:57 am

      Great comment Jessica. You have basically summarised my experience of marriage. In closing, one of my fav quotes in this area is : The sum goes like this 1 and 1 = 2, never 1/2 and 1/2 = 1? My first wife wanted the latter, was never going to happen ? Regards

  265. #446 by Pete Lombard on August 29, 2013 - 5:31 pm

    My wife just sent this to me as we are in the middle of our separation ….i have been pulled over on the westside hway in nyc reading this amazing compalation of words….i can only hope and pray that this amazing woman that I have spent the last twelve yrs of my life with allows me to use these words as a reflection point a guide line if you will to re cindle what we once had wich was the most amazing love desire respect that i have ever had for a woman….i’m truly sorry for any pain i have ever caused her she is and will always be my one and only true love….I love you Chante with my whole heart and soul !!

    • #447 by Ken Bridgens on August 30, 2013 - 1:01 am

      Sometimes, just sometimes…..you have to love that person enough to walk away and let them become the person they truly want to be? The person they could never be if the two of you were together? I did that twice !!

    • #448 by Anonymous on August 30, 2013 - 6:19 am

      made me cry… hope your relationship will be as happy as God made it to be. You both still love one another, and both responded the most precious thing in this world. God bless :)

  266. #449 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 5:04 pm

    Works both ways.

    • #450 by Michael on August 29, 2013 - 10:35 pm

      No it doesn’t. That’s the first lie we fall for.

      • #451 by lilly on August 30, 2013 - 2:02 am

        Yes it does.

  267. #452 by Guss on August 29, 2013 - 4:24 pm

    First of all, above all else. Make sure the woman you marry is the one that will respect you as you do her (and you should respect her). Never settle. Just because you fall in love, it doesn’t meant the other person is the RIGHT one for you. Marriage is a life long commitment. Or morally, that’s how it should be. It’s not something to take lightly, and rushed. I never understood how many people get married in their early 20s, or to the ONLY person they’ve ever been with. Many of those marriages end within 7 years. If there are things that you can’t over look, or can’t be resolved in the relationship, don’t just shrug them off, and hope for the best. Address them before committing. This is much easier to do when you have found yourself. Figured out who you are, and what you really want out of life to make yourself a better person. To gain the true confidence that you should have committing to marriage.

    That being said, in short, that list is just common sense that most people have forgotten. It’s all about the golden rule. Treat others how you want to be treated. And your husband/wife, if they are the right one for you, will do the same. RESPECT and HONOR. Two key things in a marriage. Everything else falls in alignment. You lose either one of those two, that alignment is thrown off. You lose the other things that help keep a marriage together.

    • #453 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 4:59 pm

      I think the golden rule has been misrepresented- try treating others how they want to be treated instead of how you want to be treated.

      Focusing on how you want to be treated is self-serving and more often than not- fails.

    • #454 by Cindy on August 29, 2013 - 9:23 pm

      My husband and I were married 3 weeks after I turned 20 years old and he had just turned 24. That was in 1979 and later this fall we will be celebrating our 34th anniversary. We have been blessed with a good marriage, not perfect but it’s been a great journey. We were bless with 2 children, a wonderful son-in-law and 2 grandchildren.

      Thanks for sharing the insight as to what people need to do to keep their marriages going strong.

      Too many people think marriage is like a disposable cup or plate. It does take a little work from both parties.

    • #455 by Cameo on August 29, 2013 - 10:08 pm

      I don’t think that age or number of people you’ve been with have anything to do with it. Marriage is a commitment of the will to honour and cherish another person in a very unique way for the rest of your life. I’m 20 and getting married to my first boyfriend. We have struggled and fought for our relationship and I know without a doubt that we will make it. Call me naive, call me whatever you would like. I’ve heard it all. Once our lives are joined, we’re in it regardless of happiness or feelings of infatuation that are so fickle. I am convinced that many people go into marriages thinking that divorce is an option, As soon as you make that an option, your marriage is bound to fail.

      • #456 by Andrew on August 29, 2013 - 10:37 pm

        Just a heads up Cameo. I went into marriage with the notion that divorce is not an option, and as far as I am concerned it isn’t, but my wife is having different feelings. I believe wholeheartedly that my marriage will be restored, though. Trials will come in your marriage, you will have fights, you will wake up some days feeling like you absolutely hate him, but if you keep Jesus in the center of your marriage and CHOOSE to love him regardless of what he is doing, your marriage will flourish. It will be hard at times, maybe even long periods of time, but overall you both will make it through, stronger and more in love than ever before. Statistics show that couples that wanted to throw in the towel, yet decided(for whatever reason) to try and stick it out, five years later 70 something percent were happily married and thankful that they stayed together.

  268. #457 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 4:22 pm

    I think most of us know this. We know how we felt when we got married. I believe the issue is each persons definition of love. If you were beaten as a child by your mother and/or your father but yet they told you they loved you, this is your interpretation of love. Each person is different and I believe we need to heal ourselves, Heal our inner child, get the necessary information before getting involved. It sounds almost impossible but if we make this a goal we will be way ahead of the game.

  269. #458 by Cathy on August 29, 2013 - 4:21 pm

    Is this guy available? Sounds like he learned a very hard lesson like most divorced people……I would love to meet someone that really believed and practiced these words of wisdom…

  270. #459 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 4:21 pm

    I have been married to my husband for 10 years. Together for 11 years. We have seen our fair share of ups and downs. He travels a lot for work and is gone more than two months at a time. It’s not that he doesn’t want to come home. It the fact that he can’t until the jobs are done. It is difficult to say the least. I have to be mom, dad, house keeper, taxi cab, and that’s just a small list on top of a full time job. So many of the points listed hit home with me big time. After reading them I went back through and wrote down how I think and feel he is with each one. I shocked my own self with my reaction to what I put down. There are a lot of them that I can’t remember when the last time that had happened.

    Some of them were even flat out a big fat NO! Some of them were also answered yes that has, is or does happen all the time. Others I wasn’t sure about. So let me ask this what does that all mean? Before any one answers if they so desire let me give a few more details.

    I have been told that since he is gone so much that if I wanted to find a “friend” I could. Just as long as I tell him first. That way I’m not going behind his back. However, he has no desire to do that but reserves the right to do so he said. Only if I do it though. I haven’t done that and no plans to do so. He is the one I love and desire. Guys: would you say that to your wife? He doesn’t care if we are intimate or not when he s home. Says its not an important part of the relationship. I feel the complete opposite. Just to clarify he has not ever been with anyone else besides me and his ex wife. When they were married and she had an affair. He went out with others before we met but was never intimate. He was divorced in 92 and we met in 2002.

    Sorry for rattling on so long. Letting out frustrations! I try to do the things listed and give just as much as I take. Some times though are exceedingly difficult others are not.

    Anyway thanks for letting me ramble!

  271. #460 by Jiggs KC on August 29, 2013 - 3:44 pm

    Reblogged this on the Squished Diorama and commented:
    Here’s something for the men out there, looking to build better relationships with their wives.

    Also, there was a comment #15, on the Original Post which really I enjoyed in regards to women and reciprocation:

    #15 by Caroline on August 29, 2013 – 8:01 am –

    “These comments are one sided because he is only one person. Basically stating that you are only responsible for fixing your side of events, not that you are the sole cause of each situation. A woman could give her advice, but this is not a woman, just one man’s advice based on his own personal experience. Personally if a man treated me like this I would think I had the best, most perfect husband ever and would strive to be the best wife I could possibly be. To the people stating “The woman must also…blah blah blah” At no point did he say “because all women are perfect”. You are only responsible for your side. A man can only be in control of his actions or reactions, and this is to guide husbands to a better end result. If this was an article written by a woman to other wives it would be more like this…
    1. Quit your bitching when he gets home, let him chill
    2. Have sex with him. Often. All the time if need be.
    3. Make him that [GORRAM] sandwich
    4. Tell him how big/strong/smart/manly he is ALL THE TIME. They tend to forget.
    5. Let him zone out. He is not ignoring you, men just have moments of brain freeze.
    6. Laugh at his jokes. Even if they aren’t funny.
    7. Make yourself look pretty. The more feminine you act the more it reminds him he is a man.
    8. Never talk about other men, even if they are fictional or movie, even if it’s to say “you are so much hotter than that guy” Most men already think they are, so this will confuse them
    9. Never read advice on the internet from strangers. They probably don’t know you and will make you do stupid crap that will not be applicable or appropriate in your marriage…
    By doing these things it would not mean a wife doesn’t expect her husband to be great too, or is to blame for the breakdown, just that she is doing her part to make a better half of a marriage.”

  272. #461 by minimalistlifestyle on August 29, 2013 - 3:10 pm

    This seems to suggest that in order for a relationship/marriage to be successful the man has to change the way he is in order to satisfy his partner. I thought a marriage would be a partnership. Give and take and compromise on the part of both couples. I was married and trust me I believed in romance and courting and all of the things the writer suggests. My ex wife thought it was all stupid. If both partners are not on the same page in regards to values and what is important then forget it. Relationships are not supposed to be one sided. This is also why I hate the phrase. “Happy wife, happy life”.

    Mark

    http://www.minimalistlifestyle.wordpress.com

    • #462 by judyzilla on August 29, 2013 - 7:51 pm

      I agree, Mark. This article is written by a man but should also apply to the woman in the relationship. It takes two.

  273. #463 by Aixa Welborn on August 29, 2013 - 12:47 pm

    Reblogged this on Aixa Welborn and commented:
    Mr Rogers article is the same advice I have given many people who ask how to maintain a relationship, There is so much hear that can be utilized not only for those who are not Christians, but these are also the ideas of the Catholic foundations to an everlasting marriage.
    No one goes to the alter with divorce on their mind. but if everyone takes Mr. Rogers’ advice and implement these simple ideas and they don’t have to be big, but as a women, it has always been the little things that make a marriage function best.
    Please read, then re-read and then commit them to memory, and I will guarantee you that divorce rates will fall and 25 yr and 50 yr anniversaries will be so common place.

  274. #464 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 12:31 pm

    sounds exhausting. Just saying. :)

    • #465 by Guss on August 29, 2013 - 4:27 pm

      That’s what marriage is. Work. But like any work you take pride in, and enjoy doing, as long as you keep putting into it with heart and soul, it returns in kind. And it stops feeling like work, to something enjoyable everyday. Same with being parents. People need stop thinking of Harlequin/Hollywood romances when it comes to marriage.

  275. #466 by Lori on August 29, 2013 - 12:08 pm

    This is also true for all the ladies too!!! The road goes two ways!!!

  276. #467 by Rhonda Grillo on August 29, 2013 - 10:51 am

    Love this! But what about the wife? Definately needs to be reciprocated and in addition wives should not talk about their husbands to others unless its all good stuff and if you praise him for being a good supporter, husband and father and show him your gratitude through words, actions and closeness, you’ll have a great marriage!!

    • #468 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 2:09 pm

      He’s speaking about things he’s realized after losing the woman he loved and spent many years with. This is his perspective of how he should have done things and advice for other men. Besides woman usually give a lot more and put up with a lot more emotionally. She’s usually the one who holds the house together and tries to keep everything in order.

      • #469 by Anna♥ on August 29, 2013 - 2:55 pm

        So true. I agree with you 100% !!!!

      • #470 by Jiggs KC on August 29, 2013 - 3:34 pm

        i think the second part of this comment is a sexist remark. I’ve seen some rotten ladies, and some not at all gentle men. Both seem to ruin a relationship. Women have been known to perpetuate this idea like they are better. And i think it’s problematic. I know men did this first, but still. two wrongs doesn’t make a right.

      • #471 by michaeleriksson on August 29, 2013 - 4:30 pm

        I have to second Jiggs KC. It is not so much that women have to carry a greater burden and a lot more that very many of them have a weird blind spot when it comes to the roughly equal burden that men carry. Indeed, in my impressions so far, the more a woman complains, the likelier it is that she herself is the real problem.

        Men tend to be more aware of and show a greater tolerance for the women’s side of the issues than vice versa. If nothing else, to modify a recent comment by minimalistlifestyle, neither sex understands the other—but far more men than women are aware that they lack the understanding.

      • #472 by Guss on August 29, 2013 - 4:31 pm

        Not all women. Remember, men or women, they are both human beings with the same human brain. So what one can do and think, so can the other. There are many marriages that end because the woman was the one that was ruining it. And the husband the one trying to keep it all together. Much like the mentality of people that ALL male strangers are dangerous around children. There are many female strangers in prison for crimes against children, that can prove that assumption wrong.

        As Jiggs said, it’s a sexist thing to say that it was all the man’s fault. Maybe in this case, it was. But I’m sure she didn’t help matters much either.

  277. #473 by Montina Portis on August 29, 2013 - 9:20 am

    This is amazing and as a woman in marriage #2 I can tell you that any marriage that follows these tips will succeed. My 2nd marriage is much more difficult than the first so if you enjoy marriage I strongly suggest you work on the first and treat it like it’s your last. You don’t want to go through the hurt and challenges a second time around.

  278. #475 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 9:00 am

    Lots of good advice, but the most important line will likely be missed by most: “and that’s reciprocated” The man cannot do it all by himself.

    • #476 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 9:44 am

      Amen

      • #477 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 10:19 am

        +1.

      • #478 by Jeff on August 29, 2013 - 10:21 am

        Yes, this advice applies equally to men and women.

  279. #479 by Geri White on August 29, 2013 - 8:56 am

    Finally..! <3

  280. #480 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 8:17 am

    Beautiful sentiments. Having just seen the movie “The Butler” it raises similar challenges to the human spirit, spiritual principles really … mutual respect and love. Love above all else. As I read it, I thought how we as Americans need to protect our collective soul. Truly words to live by in all areas of my life.

  281. #481 by Caroline on August 29, 2013 - 8:01 am

    These comments are one sided because he is only one person. Basically stating that you are only responsible for fixing your side of events, not that you are the sole cause of each situation. A woman could give her advice, but this is not a woman, just one man’s advice based on his own personal experience. Personally if a man treated me like this I would think I had the best, most perfect husband ever and would strive to be the best wife I could possibly be. To the people stating “The woman must also…blah blah blah” At no point did he say “because all women are perfect”. You are only responsible for your side. A man can only be in control of his actions or reactions, and this is to guide husbands to a better end result. If this was an article written by a woman to other wives it would be more like this…
    1. Quit your bitching when he gets home, let him chill
    2. Have sex with him. Often. All the time if need be.
    3. Make him that goddam sandwich
    4. Tell him how big/strong/smart/manly he is ALL THE TIME. They tend to forget.
    5. Let him zone out. He is not ignoring you, men just have moments of brain freeze.
    6. Laugh at his jokes. Even if they aren’t funny.
    7. Make yourself look pretty. The more feminine you act the more it reminds him he is a man.
    8. Never talk about other men, even if they are fictional or movie, even if it’s to say “you are so much hotter than that guy” Most men already think they are, so this will confuse them
    9. Never read advice on the internet from strangers. They probably dont know you and will make you do stupid crap that will not be applicable or appropriate in your marriage…
    By doing these things it would not mean a wife doesnt expect her husband to be great too, or is to blame for the breakdown, just that she is doing her part to make a better half of a marriage.

  282. #487 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 7:49 am

    Very good advice, but don’t forget one thing! That all woman should read this, and give the relationship the same full, respect that a man dose! If you feel you’ve tried, and don’t get the same back, it won’t work! I’m not saying my divorce was all her fault, because it takes two to make a relationship to work. But there dose come a time to move on, no mater how much you try!

  283. #489 by tamaraj@tamarajmadison.com on August 29, 2013 - 7:36 am

    God bless you! I have been waiting for a MAN to say this for a very long time!

  284. #490 by miguel butts on August 29, 2013 - 6:31 am

    What a master piece it gives me a lot of reasons to a just to my wife of a year and a half. Thanks

  285. #491 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 6:05 am

    All that being said it goes both ways, Marriage is not a one way street. The points should be take by both spouses.

  286. #492 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 5:55 am

    Sound like it was written by a woman but I do agree with most of it

  287. #493 by Toya on August 29, 2013 - 4:26 am

    This is the most beautiful thing I have ever read, thank you very much for this. God bless you

  288. #494 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 4:10 am

  289. #495 by Admin ~ on August 29, 2013 - 1:49 am

    Reblogged this on All Eyes On and commented:
    Awesome advice, share it!

  290. #496 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 1:40 am

    Really true…thanks for sharing.hope the relationships get stronger and pleasant.

  291. #497 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 12:26 am

    What beauty in these words born of pain… It is in that place where we do our deepest and most heartfelt Spiritual growth.

  292. #498 by Kim Mackey Arnold on August 28, 2013 - 10:08 pm

    While this is totally romantic it leaves too much responsibility on one person. I am a woman an I don’t expect my husband to fulfill me in all of these ways. I’ve been married 29 years and there have been ups and downs but we have a working relationship. His expectations are different than mine but we make it work. Everyone must find contentment and happiness within themselves. We can not blame our unhappiness on anyone other than ourselves. Having someone in our lives that supports or enhances our “moods” is icing on the cake!

    • #499 by Rogier on August 30, 2013 - 4:55 am

      Precisely the one thing I had wrong. I thought having a girlfriend, a partner, whom I loved dearly, would make me complete…happy. It couldn’t be more besides the truth than that. I wish I knew…

  293. #500 by Mindy on August 28, 2013 - 10:05 pm

    “If we make the conscious decision to daily place our spouse’s desires and needs above our own, and that’s reciprocated, the marriage will succeed. Utter and complete selflessness.” Absolutely not. That is completely wrong. That’s what my husband did, and it’s the big reason he divorced his first wife after 11 years of marriage. His utter and complete selflessness prevented him from leaving years before he should have. When you give the entirety of you focus on the needs of your spouse, you lose sight of your own needs (and if you can’t see them, neither can your spouse). If your needs aren’t being met, especially when you’re focusing so much of your effort on the other, you get resentful and angry, and that anger just builds over time until it explodes. Care about your spouse, yes, and care deeply in order to help them achieve their goals. But understand that they are the only ones who can truly take care of themselves, just like you are to yourself.

    • #501 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 10:53 am

      did you read #2.. it says protect your own heart… don’t think he left that out what you were saying

  294. #502 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 9:36 pm

    This is great!
    Thanks for sharing it.

  295. #503 by David on August 28, 2013 - 8:45 pm

    While there are some great points here, it takes two people for a marriage to succeed or fail. What about holding the wan accountable also?

    • #504 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 11:23 pm

      A lot of people have said this, and although you have a point, it’s not what this is about. He is talking from a man’s point of view, and I’m sure if you asked him he would say that yes, it takes two. But this is just a message from one man’s heart to all the other men out there… it’s not telling woman they don’t need to do the same.

    • #505 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 12:16 am

      David, you completely missed the point of this article. Stop thinking about holding others accountable. Focus on what YOU need to do. The rest will fall into place.

    • #506 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 3:11 am

      I like that it was stated early on that this love/behavior be reciprocated. The problem is one person has to start. If both parties are unwilling to set enough aside and start the process of loving selflessly, there is no hope. In all things, one person must start. Both men and women have read this article I’m sure. Yes, it’s directed at men taking that first step and a woman reciprocating, but hopefully the point comes across…someone has to take that first step and keep stepping as the other reciprocates!

  296. #507 by jrl on August 28, 2013 - 7:04 pm

    Thanks for the heads-up. They just need to link Gerald Rogers’ name to his website.

  297. #508 by brettfish on August 28, 2013 - 6:03 pm

    This continues to get people talking and thinking and sharing – came across one other series i ran a while back specifically focused on a husband loving a wife [although each one can be looked at both ways] and so a bunch more good points to probably consider adding to this list or lists like it of ways to love your wife well: http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2012/09/11/how-to-love-your-woman-better-the-parts

    This sharing and collaboration is encouraging. Thank you. Maybe we’ll be able to compile one super big list after it’s all done… a year of weekly improving your marriagement or something…

    love brett fish

  298. #509 by Jazz on August 28, 2013 - 5:25 pm

    This is so beautiful… Every woman wants to be loved like this!

    • #510 by Kathleen Ferruzzi on August 28, 2013 - 9:54 pm

      so does and should, every man!

      • #511 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 1:43 am

        Agreed !!

  299. #512 by teriza on August 28, 2013 - 5:23 pm

    I am Mrs Teriza from USA, i want to share a testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband Williams Jack, i love him so much we have been married for 5 years now with two kids. when he went for a vacation to London he meant a lady called Mary?, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don’t know what to do until I met my friend miss Lina and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called Dr Sambulus who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 3 days. Miss Lina ask me to contact Dr sambulus. I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by Three days he will re-unite me and my husband together. After three day my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great spell caster did for me and my husband, you can contact Dr Sambulus on any problem in this world, he is very nice man, here is his contact kukutasolutiontemple@gmail.com He is the best spell caster how can help you within three days.

    • #513 by Becky Maldonado on August 28, 2013 - 10:08 pm

      I just read ur story but i dont seem to understand. My question to u is why would u want someone to be with you do to a spell? Does thatmake any sense? Reading your story make s me feel as if you have an insecurity issue and you dont have any type of selfesteem in you. Im sorry i sound so blunt, but i have a sister that was in the same type of relationship as you and she did the same (the spell thing) and she wound up divorced anyways after 2years.
      I feel that if the love is there, its there. There is no spell in this world that will change your deatiny. Good luck

    • #514 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 8:28 am

      Are you joking? A spell caster?

  300. #515 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 4:45 pm

    I just celebrated 25years . I’m 47 . I hope the younger generation reads thiis totally awesome

  301. #516 by Michelle (@AllLacqueredUp) on August 28, 2013 - 4:43 pm

    Does this website have your permission to republish your article in full?

    http://girlsguideto.com/articles/20-tips-from-a-divorced-man-after-16-years-of-marriage

    They’ve been lifting content from tons of bloggers. Thought you should be aware.

    • #517 by jrl on August 28, 2013 - 4:58 pm

      Yeah, they’re fine. They just need to link Gerald Rogers’ name to his website.

  302. #518 by Dave Foreman on August 28, 2013 - 4:23 pm

    I was lucky enough to find my soul mate at the age of 50 years. My relationship with my wife is nothing like any other relationship I ever had before. One of the best characteristics of our life together as husband and wife is that we both show/feel complete respect for one another- didn’t have that in any past relationships. I knew something was missing in them and didn’t marry before I found that someone who makes me feel complete and at peace each and every breath I take.

  303. #519 by BG on August 28, 2013 - 3:43 pm

    While I commend the author for writing from the heart, what he wrote is wholly unrealistic and idealistic. As the beginning of the article says, the main basis for this is “If we make the conscious decision to daily place our spouse’s desires and needs above our own, and that’s reciprocated, the marriage will succeed. Utter and complete selflessness.”. In a utopian paradise this overly simplistic view could work but in the real world it completely ignores huge aspects of human nature and external factors that change the course of relationships. It ignores external influences such as family pressure which can manifest itself in different ways and has itself broken up marriages. It also ignores conflicting interests and incompatibilities including different friend influences or major stress factors such as careers, raising children, or medical conditions. It is very easy for the author to say “18. Don’t worry about money”, but has he ever experienced being part of a relationship where bills can’t be payed or a home is about to be lost and one or both parties works more than they can handle? The point is, all of these stress factors and external influences can have a great impact on mood, mindset, point of view, interaction, and the building of resentment towards your spouse or partner. It is human nature and no one is immune to this. Some may handle it better than others but blanket advice such as “4. Always see the best in her” or “7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her” is much easier said than done when perhaps the wife is the one contributing to the stress or causing some of the problems. The same can go for the husband so this is not one sided. The truth is no two people are 100% fully compatible. Where the author states “5. It’s not your job to change or fix her”, that may be true, but it doesn’t mean the things that require changing or fixing are not serious or do not cause lasting stress or aggravation. Resentment is an unfortunate part of human nature and is a powerful force that lasts over time. To follow “19. Forgive immediately”, is not just to say “I forgive you” but to truly mean it deep down which rarely happens in long term relationships as resentments grow on top of other resentments. The author ends his piece with “In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work.” which is the absolute truth, yet many of his points contradict this by trying to create a “happily ever after” type scenario where all is easily forgiven and forgotten and everything is just boiled down to simple “ups and downs” and “cycles”. Happy marriages can most definitely exist but unfortunately it is more often the exception than the rule that both people can reciprocate and treat each other in the way the author suggests and glide through every internal and external stress factor that strains marriages and contributes to this country’s 50% or so divorce rate.

    • #520 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 11:26 pm

      What may have worked for his marriage will not work for everyone’s marriage. It is just things he regrets. Every marriage is different, and what you are writing makes it sounds like every marriage deals with the same struggles and stressors. I don’t think what he wrote was idealistic and unrealistic. It’s what he felt, and therefore is his truth and realistic in his mind and in his marriage.

    • #521 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 12:48 am

      Excellent advice and insight. I am curious to know what your views on the matter are.

    • #522 by melward on August 29, 2013 - 8:26 am

      BG – you make some interesting points – but, I think the most important take away from the article is that neither spouse should ever stop trying – create a partnership – put your family / marriage first and the external circumstances can be overcome.

      When one spouse minimizes the other that the cracks show up, expand and build into canyons that can not be repaired . It may not be intentional, but it can and, unfortunately, does happen. At no time should one partner be so busy that the other partner feels ignored, or their presence taken for granted. If you take the time to truly LISTEN to each other, be present and value the other person, the external circumstances become secondary, and they will be dealt with as a team. In today’s world I see so many couples who still do the “his” “hers” “ours” mindset and it creates an atmosphere of animosity, competition and most of the time becomes a power play. Yes, love and value yourself (something a lot of people have a tough time with – which is where most resentment, insecurity etc… stems from ) but I personally believe that if you put the relationship first, treat it like an “entity” that requires time, attention and priority, we’d see a decrease in divorce. That doesn’t mean you won’t disagree, nor does it mean you spend every waking moment together – but it does mean that you work together in unison for a common purpose.

      My ex-husband worked hard, and as a result, I had the luxury of being able to be home with my girls when they were young. I value that tremendously. But when he was home, he was not present – there was a tremendous lack of balance. While I am not happy about having gone through a divorce, it served a purpose and taught me a great deal.

      I still believe in marriage, but anyone who goes into it thinking it won’t require effort is foolish. Happily ever after doesn’t equate to being on easy street – it means you’re willing to put forth the effort it takes to stay together.
      No effort = no partnership.

    • #523 by Anonymous on August 29, 2013 - 8:48 am

      He’s simply giving advice. He never stated life would be perfect. He covered almost every point. He later says choose to forgive. Well if he thinks everyone is going to be perfect, he wouldn’t feel the need to add that point. What you’re saying isn’t totally incorrect. All of those things will occur in a marriage. But it’s the husband and the wife’s duty not to let those things dictate the outcome of the relationship. And I’m married, so I speaking from experience. The only thing I could see being unbearable is cheating. As a Christian, I know the bible says that really is the only reason for divorce. So if your spouse cheats on you, nobody is asking you to sit there and stay with them. Nothing else should make your spouse that unbearable. If so, you should ask yourself why you married them….

  304. #524 by coyotecall on August 28, 2013 - 3:41 pm

    My advice is; practice forgiveness, compassion and develope a poor memory. (i.e. FORGET ABOUT THE “GOOFS”….. you will never be able to remember what REALLY happened…what he said and I said and all the rest anyway.)

    • #525 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 8:13 pm

      Your constructed criticism is nice, but if both parties of the marriage cared enough to follow this then it does work in todays world. External influences when worked on together with an open mind and heart with love first are over come with great success. You are right in all of what you said, but only if at least one of the two people loses sight of any of these fundamentals. Taking the time to look inward allows for accountability and if BOTH parties are doing so, then it will work. Once again you are correct, but I only say this because I know there is greed in us all and more often than not we allow it to over come our ability to hold ourselves accountable. Marriage is a two way street and neither party can change lanes without wrecking.

    • #526 by girish v shah on August 28, 2013 - 9:35 pm

      YOU HAVE LOOKED LIKED AND LIVED LIFE WITH OPEN AND INTELLIGENT MIND —NOT BLOWING HOT AIIR

  305. #527 by Kris F on August 28, 2013 - 3:26 pm

    Reblogged this on Featherblues53's Blog and commented:
    Thoughts to ponder.

  306. #528 by fikayo on August 28, 2013 - 2:37 pm

  307. #529 by fikayo on August 28, 2013 - 2:20 pm

    Reblogged this on SPICEPLAZA and commented:
    What more can I say?

  308. #530 by caitgjames on August 28, 2013 - 2:11 pm

    Reblogged this on The Brilliance of Fire.

  309. #531 by Ben on August 28, 2013 - 2:10 pm

    Reblogged this on My Ideal Woman… and commented:
    Pretty epic advice for any man serious about loving a woman :)

  310. #532 by Kevin Cain on August 28, 2013 - 2:01 pm

    Idealistic advice, lovely thoughts and solid guidance to a man with high aspirations for his marriage.
    My own life experience is that you can try to do it all, but do not expect that because you do your wife will never leave you, your wife could not possibly change her priorities, or your wife will not experience her own purpose in a way that destroys the marriage.
    Do it because it is the way you want to love, not because of a mistaken idea that you can control the tide of events.

  311. #533 by Cindy on August 28, 2013 - 1:54 pm

    You have just restored my faith that man can actually think and feel this way about his wife! Thank you, this has made my day seem a little brighter!

  312. #534 by OluBaba Mascot on August 28, 2013 - 1:02 pm

    Reblogged this on Olubabamascot's Blog.

  313. #535 by Kimkm on August 28, 2013 - 12:32 pm

    I wish I could find a man like you. This is just a dream, they don’t exist I know I’ve had 3.

    • #536 by Riaan on August 28, 2013 - 2:55 pm

      Mabe Kim, the problem isn’t all on the men’s side. Women have to have a HARD look at themself too! A man can only truly love a women like a man has to if women get back to bieng real women and men get back to bieng real men. The perseption that it’s weak or bad to be a women or a man like we are supposed to be, is the problem. We all should practice what the author said without expecting the other party to do so first

    • #537 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 2:57 pm

      you can have 3 more, you/ll never find such a MAN

      • #538 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 3:55 pm

        B.S. I am such a man. Just ask my Jeni!

  314. #539 by weekeef on August 28, 2013 - 12:26 pm

    A good post, though it takes two to tango! I am glad that you feel you will marry again. I’ve been that sad, newly-divorced-after 20-years man but found a way through and now, ten years on and married again, I do try to remember how lucky I am to have another chance. For what it’s worth, I posted my own thoughts a while back.

    http://weekeef.wordpress.com/2013/05/09/d-i-v-o-r-c-e/

  315. #540 by Lucy on August 28, 2013 - 12:14 pm

    My mother and I had a conversation about 5 years ago that stuck with me. My parents have been married for almost 40 years. It has not always been smooth. There were years of plenty, years of everything being stretched extremely tight, years of sleepless nights when my sisters and I were young, years of sleepless nights when we were teens, and then came the empty nest.
    My mother told me a few important things:
    1) they realized after a few years of working together that it was very bad for their relationship. They were not compatible to work together all day long every single day if they wanted their marriage to last and be happy. They both needed their professional space and made career choices that reflected that.
    2) the best way to handle a heated argument was for them to put themselves in time-out apart for an hour or so until they could both think through the issue and why it was such a sticking point. By taking a break, they could put the focus back on how much they love each other and decide what was best for them and us girls.
    And finally, the most profound marriage advice she could give me seemed like common sense at the time, but 2 children later and 13 yrs together – 8 married, I GET IT. It is a conscious decision when you are tired, sleep-deprived, exhausted, had a bad day, kids are fighting (_____insert issue here_________).
    3) you have to choose to love your spouse and your spouse has to choose to love you daily, hourly, minute by minute. You have to choose to spend time together. Sure, it would be fun for him to go out with the guys and watch the game, but you haven’t spent time together as a couple for weeks. Make the conscious decision to find a babysitter and go watch the game together or have a “staycation” at your home – just the two of you. My mother told me that after we all went to college and there were no more high school sports, clubs, or activities, they had to CHOOSE to get to know each other again. For 10 years they were passing by each other tag-teaming our activities. They had to learn each other again. They consciously CHOSE to do this and consciously CHOSE to make it fun.
    A working marriage is a CONSCIOUS CHOICE on the part of both parties.

    • #541 by Andrea on August 29, 2013 - 9:47 am

      Love this! That is some GREAT advice (#3 hit home in a big way!) Thanks for sharing the wisdom :)

    • #542 by adventuresincemeteryhopping on August 29, 2013 - 11:59 am

      Number three is a key component in our marriage. We discussed it at length when we got engaged. The notion that you have to feel “in love” with your spouse 24/7 is a recipe for failure. When you marry someone, you commit for life, not just when the feelings are good. There will be days you can’t stand him and days he is frustrated with you. But if you choose to love, you get through it. You work together knowing that your marriage matters too much to blow off. This idea has served us well in our ten years together. Thank you for sharing!

  316. #543 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 11:49 am

    wow, pretty powerful stuff! going through a divorce now! hopefully i can remember some of these things once it is final and i’m with that special someone again!

  317. #544 by aymanyusof on August 28, 2013 - 11:27 am

    Reblogged this on The Warrior Within and commented:
    I lost a special someone a couple of years back. Here are some life lessons to learn from.

  318. #545 by Andy on August 28, 2013 - 9:48 am

    James, I have to respectfully disagree with you. Or at least agree with an addendum. Like you, my marriage broke up this year after 12 years of marriage and 16 years together.

    Yes, much of what you say here is wise and smart. Listen compassionately. Give completely. Live fully. That’s essentially what you’re saying, and it’s great.

    But that advice has to be true for both partners, not just the man. I disagree with your underlying premise: “If we make the conscious decision to daily place our spouse’s desires and needs above our own, and that’s reciprocated, the marriage will succeed. Utter and complete selflessness. Isn’t this true in all healthy relationships?”

    You’ve said, “and that’s reciprocated,” but I think your post overly emphasizes the personal sacrifice without more acknowledgment that the responsibility is on both partners to do these things. This is the martyr complex that is so common in western cultures. We cannot live healthy lives if we place others above ourselves. AND we cannot live fully if we place ourselves above others. We must both care for ourselves AND others equally.

    Relationships are a two way street. A healthy relationship is like the symbol of the yin-yang in which there is balance. What happens when one partner does all of these things and the other doesn’t? A person cannot and, frankly, should not stay in that type of relationship.

    Believe me, I know I made mistakes in my relationship. But I was not willing to continue doing the things you’ve discussed without my partner doing the same.

    So I guess the addendum is this: Take care of yourself and others. Live fully. Love freely. Give completely. Both partners are responsible for living in oneness.

    • #546 by jrl on August 28, 2013 - 10:44 am

      Hi Andy,
      I appreciate your comments and heart. Your addendum is true, and I believe my message denotes the same, but in other words. Also, though I wrote the introduction, the main article is authored by Gerald Rogers.

    • #547 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 12:19 pm

      Of course all of these things have to be done by both parties. My impression, however,was that this is written the way it is because you can’t control anyone other than yourself. Sure, they have to make the decision to do these things as well, but they only one you can control is yourself. I think it’s great advice. And there is a part in there that reminds us to guard our own hearts as well and part of that is evaluating whether we are getting what we need out of a relationship as well. :)

    • #548 by carolyn mason on August 28, 2013 - 8:29 pm

      Sorry, Andy…since you are only responsible for yourself and can only control yourself…by doing what James suggested giving of yourself unselfishly and with the intent that your wife if the most important person in your life can only make your family life better. Do not give a gift with the expectation of getting something in return as you will always be disappointed. Love unconditionally

      • #549 by Andy on August 29, 2013 - 10:18 am

        Carolyn, we’ll have to respectfully disagree. Although “love unconditionally” sounds nice, everyone loves conditionally. As an extreme example, no one should stay in a relationship where one partner is abusing the other. Of course, most failed relationships don’t go that far, but the logic is the same. We’re in relationships to be connected, as all humans seek connection or oneness. If a relationship fails, a partner shouldn’t stay in it out of some sense of duty or martyrdom or because he/she loves unconditionally.

        And, of course, in the most altruistic sense, we can continue loving and caring about someone while altering the type of relationship we have.

        Marriage is inherently a risk because we are always changing and because we are complex psychological creatures. Major life events- marriage, birth of a child, death of a loved one- can trigger psychological conditioning that hasn’t otherwise manifested itself, changing that person.

        A person can step into a stream right now, and when they step into that stream the next day, it’s a different stream. Human beings are the same way. I’m a different person now than I was ten days, ten months, and ten years ago. We all are. Inevitably, some relationships will end because of that constant change. There’s nothing wrong with that.

  319. #550 by Richard Mountain on August 28, 2013 - 9:24 am

    Great advice! To the ones who read it and say this is all common sense. Well yeah, but it’s common sense AFTER you read it. Just like there is no formal training on raising kids there isn’t any formal training on working your relationship with your spouse. I think there should be on both accounts. And for the ones that say it’s great my spouse should learn all this. I think both spouses should learn it…and practice it! Not much point in having one do it and not both!

  320. #551 by Kd on August 28, 2013 - 8:33 am

    Where’s the article, ‘Beautiful advice from a divorced woman’? All these things are well and good, but many seem one-sided.

    • #552 by MK on August 28, 2013 - 10:35 am

      Amen.

      • #553 by brian on November 8, 2013 - 1:06 am

        Wrong ‘me first’ attitude, boys. When you follow the above, the rest WILL come.

  321. #554 by Michael Veys on August 28, 2013 - 8:25 am

    Where is the ode from the female honoring the male….its an open dialogue…many woman disrespect men and put them down, hold unrealistic expectations of man to be a bread winner, provider, lover, friend, keep house, raise the kids, provide discipline and an boundaries and direction to the marriage…lets find the balance in all this. michael veys

  322. #555 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 8:20 am

    This a great piece coming from a man. I have just left a marriage of 13yrs we have four adorable kids. I’m glad to read and see that I’m in my right mind to expect my husband to be at least a friend & then a husband. I gave my all but it was never enough. I’m 38 years old and decided to take charge of my life and protect my children and not looking back. I will not say no to marriage in the future, I’ve got a lot of love to give & share. I don’t know how long ago this divorce was, but if the man has realised these things, he could win his woman back. There will be no quick fix, its not an easy but usually a necessary decision for a woman to choose to leave a man. Every detail here describe what my husband refused to realise. He added pornography, on-line dating & serial affairs to his list. I pray someday he realises his actions and become a ”man”. But, I will not get back to him because I can’t possibly ever trust him. Without trust, commitment, love, time & attention..no relationship will survive.

    • #556 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 1:06 pm

      Wow this statement resonated with me severly: “If the man has realized these things, he could win his woman back.” Out of curiosity, given the list of offenses you mention why then couldn’t he win you back with showing you he could be trustworthy then being trustworthy, being committed, loving you and putting in the time and attention you/it requires?? Please understand that I just don’t believe in the concept of disposable love and there has to be a way back in. Love always starts somewhere so adding 4 adorable children and the closeness required to manage that situation if he loves them selflessly then you would think he can love you too using the guidelines of the author in every way possible, but of course your right he has to realize his actions no question. But the author also mentioned forgiveness and always chosing love. I believe It has to be a reciprocating…save love. Its amazing what it takes for us to get out of ourselves and think in the authors terms.

  323. #557 by thekindnessblog on August 28, 2013 - 6:58 am

    Thank you. This is absolutely *filled* with wisdom and advice from someone who plainly knows that of which they speak :) Awesome!!! :)

    • #558 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 11:44 am

      Very realistic advice. Mr. Gerald Rogers, your next wife would certainly be very lucky! How I wish my husband got the opportunity to learn this. I regret that he refused to understand the true meaning of marriage until one day he was shot to death while having dinner with his other woman. Fortunately, his woman was never hurt. He died with so many unanswered questions. What is clear to me now is he did not love me the way I did, he just needed and liked me and because I loved him so much wishing to keep our family intact and with the undying hope that someday he would learn to love me, it was too late when I learned to accept that whatever I do he would never truly love me. Unexpectedly, several days before his death, I left no choice but to accept the pain and said to him”thank you for giving me five lovely children, I apologized for insisting myself to you, from now on I will never disturb you again”. And then, I walked away. The memories are still hunting me because until now I cannot seek justice for his bloody death despite of my being a lawyer. But my faith keeps me sane because in God’s time, I know the truth shall prevail and the murderer shall be punished. To love someone is a challenge but I must admit that I failed the challenge because I never had the true love of the father of my 5 children. Be that it may, I don’t regret to experience the pain and sufferings because of the so called ” LOVE “. As I have promised to myself I will never stop seeking justice for him.

  324. #559 by brettfish on August 28, 2013 - 6:21 am

    Another more recent series i ran on my blog where a few friends of mine shared a thought on one way to love your spouse better also had some great points to take note of…

    http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2013/02/28/one-way-to-love-your-husbandwife-better

    hope you find them helpful
    love brett fish

  325. #560 by Arlene Caswell on August 28, 2013 - 5:21 am

    This is beautiful. Very encouraging.

  326. #561 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 4:24 am

    Good advice but its a little one sided.

  327. #562 by 1sttimemummy on August 28, 2013 - 2:35 am

    Spot on! You have listed all the things missing so much in my relationship. Thank you. It would ve very interesting if you could you write something from the other perspective? What makes a man loved? A relationship is a game of 2 halfs after all. Thank you :)

    • #563 by Helen on August 28, 2013 - 5:39 pm

      He’s a man speaking his own experience. It’ll have to be a woman who has learnt lessons post divorce that writes from the other perspective. Don’t expect him to do it!

  328. #564 by spikefarrelltravelspike Farrell on August 28, 2013 - 12:58 am

    spikefarrellsurvivingdivorce.blogspot.com

  329. #565 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 12:52 am

    It has been proven and taught at Princeton University by a Nobel Prize Winning Professor that Humans are NOT a monogamous species. Marriage is the worst invention ever created by mankind.

  330. #566 by Susan Hearn Ludlow on August 27, 2013 - 11:18 pm

    I thoroughly enjoyed James story. I just lost my husbad last year after only 20 years of marriage suddenly. However, it was a very mentally and physically abusuve marriage. My familt were fearful.for me and wanted me to leave / divorce! I do not believe in divorce and so would not do so. Remember the vows “Insickness and health, for richer or poorer til death us part”! I truly was the one giving, loving, caring, etc. And yet I now am alone for whatever reason from God he was taken and yet I must deserve all that I recieve. I don’t know if I could ever feel full love in my life except from God! What do u say to that. I am still young and love t live life but happily Please!!!

    • #567 by Lucy on August 28, 2013 - 11:51 am

      Susan, you do not DESERVE the sadness and abuse. He was not taken from you because you did something or did not do something. These things are the way of a fallen world. Please find a path to healing for YOUR heart and soul. Eventually, you will be able to live happily and enjoy life again without fear or sadness. Focus your love on God and don’t force the issue of another relationship. In time, He might send another relationship your way that will lift you up.

    • #568 by Helen on August 28, 2013 - 5:48 pm

      You are released from your vows when day in, day out, your husband fails to keep his. My mother only divorced my father after 40 years of marriage when that message finally hammered it’s way home from her wounded, frightened and stunted children. If a husband is mentally and physically abusive then he is breaking his marriage vows every day

  331. #569 by LLL on August 27, 2013 - 10:58 pm

    It always amazes me how some feel the need to advise / preach to others in areas where they admittedly are not adept.
    Wake up be human do the best you can, use your heart, to loved you have to be loveable!

    ________________________________________________________________

    “He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”

    ― Bob Marley

  332. #570 by Anon on August 27, 2013 - 10:40 pm

    This article came to me at the most perfect time. After 10+ yrs… I, the woman have found myself cheated on….hated…disrespected…. And broken. A choice for either man or woman to use these words is most definitely the key to keeping a relationship. To not dwell on the past, to move forward, to focus on good not bad, and to fall in love all over again is extremely important. Thank you for these wonderful words we all seem to forget in the height of relationship problems. They are most important to keep it going and always the first out the window when times are tough. Ladies, this goes for us, our men are strong but they need to feel our love. They need to feel that as society holds them up as expected to stay strong, that with us in the privacy of our relationship they can be weak. Love how you want to be loved

  333. #571 by James on August 27, 2013 - 10:36 pm

    Why is this so eye-opening advice? Isn’t this all common sense? No wonder why over 50% of couples get divorced.

  334. #572 by brettfish on August 27, 2013 - 10:19 pm

    Another great list of advice is this list of ten ways to love which i stumbled upon at one time and then decided to work through the list post by post to look a little more deeply at each aspect with some exciting discoveries:

    http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2012/10/20/ten-ways-to-love-intro

    hope you find this helpful
    love brett fish

  335. #573 by kathynoda@yahoo.com on August 27, 2013 - 9:16 pm

    I love what you wrote. Too many times the finger is only pointed at the woman while the man gets to call himself a little boy. A man says these things! Good for you. I hope you find a life long love next time.

    • #574 by ricosuaveguapo on August 28, 2013 - 2:39 pm

      Seriously? Nearly every marriage I have ever seen broken up, the man is portrayed as a “jerk”, and the woman is the innocent little flower (who gets to leave with cash and prizes via child support & alimony). Despite what the reality of the situation actually is.

  336. #575 by Melissa martinez on August 27, 2013 - 9:15 pm

    I tried for 11 years trying to explain these very same feelings to my husband but he never understood or acknowledged my feelings. So 8/23/13. Our marriage ended and my heart was sealed completely to him. For all men if you truelly love your wife. FIGHT FOR HER DONT LOOSE HER.

  337. #576 by Lina on August 27, 2013 - 9:06 pm

    I was married for a long time. My marriage ended after 31 years & two beautiful daughters. I loved my husband and our family. Our marriage suffered many years of stress which did not help our relationship or sustain our marriage. In the end money won and I lost. After reading your letter and personal advice offered from your experience of marrital devotion, or lack thereof, I can honestly relate and understand the perspective of “what could have been” as the result from perhaps not trying or just allowing your marriage to slowly fade away and believing “it’s really for the best”, thinking to yourself, we grew apart, our love ended, let’s part our separate ways. I believe in love and marriage. I believe in family values. Without trust and respect, no marriage on earth can reap the benefits of true happiness and stronger bond of husband & wife. I agree with many of your points, especially the husband offering his undivided attention & love to his wife. I can only say now, I regret many things in my marriage, but the one important fact remains in my mind, my ex husband never loved me the way a mature and intelligent man should love his wife. Some men don’t know how to love a woman, especially if they’re narcissistic men. Ladies, just make sure your guy treats you like a princess from day one and continues until yours or his last breath. If all men were honest and committed to only one woman, divorce and violence would be non-existence. Grow up guys.

  338. #577 by Jaie on August 27, 2013 - 9:03 pm

    Reblogged this on Powder Room Therapy and commented:
    Awesome Advice and needed for someone..Reblogging

  339. #578 by elizabeth on August 27, 2013 - 8:31 pm

    Sure wish my husband of 26 years could read and absorb this….

    • #579 by Cesare on August 27, 2013 - 11:32 pm

      Maybe you should absorb some as well. Don’t point fingers so easily.

      • #580 by Sharon on August 28, 2013 - 2:21 pm

        Is this a male responding???? If so… It would make sense… The writer writing his true, humble feelings for the workd to read has pricked your heart and got to your conscience. I can see where this would get both male and females riled up. Women wishing for what this man “had wished he had done” and men “getting annoyed by reading the responses from the women” it’s not about pointing fingers. It’s about 2 people letting go of pride, their egos, becoming humble before one another, trusting enough to expose every little detail about yourself to the one who is supposed to love you regardless with the hopes that he/she will not one day turn against the other and break that trust and bond. He is talking about going out on a limb. He is talking about what he learned. For the men out in the world that can humble themselves and let go of their egos this is powerful for those men. Those men who are man enough to open their hearts and listen and willing to try and do something different regardless if their wife dies or not. Just like he says – he is just to do his part – not worry about what part his wife does. But trust me… She will do anything if he treats her like this man is giving this advice. What women could posdibly have something to complain about? Is she does she does not deserve the man he is working so hard at. She deserves the jerk.

    • #581 by Cesare on August 27, 2013 - 11:33 pm

      In no way am I being hostile. I’m just saying don’t be to quick to point fingers.

      • #582 by Michelle on August 28, 2013 - 11:28 am

        You assume she’s being quick to point fingers. This could have been on her mind for years. Maybe she has talked and talked about it, sought advice, tried everything she can think of before she lamented. I think you pointed fingers a little faster than she did. And “maybe you should absorb some” is hostile.

  340. #583 by Faith Norville on August 27, 2013 - 7:50 pm

    I love what u are saying. Truely a love story. I wish that more men would think like that. And woman to. Because it takes two. It has to work both ways. What a wonderful world this would be. I really take my hat off to u. All I can say. Is the next woman that gets u. Will have a gem. I hope that one day I will meet a man just like u. And I hope that u get another good woman as well. Thank u for sharing your thoughts with the rest of the world. I hope that some of the men will really think about this. And the woman as well because two have to be as one. There are a lot of men out there that are being treated badly by woman. God please help us work together. Amen. Good luck to u my friend. And again thanks.

    • #584 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 5:47 am

      I’m so glad that someone posted that it works both ways so this also is meant for both <3 I always say" treat your spouse the way you want to be treated" <3 I pray this touches many relationships {marriages} This is a wonderful heartfelt post..Mr.Gerald Rogers Thank you and God bless!!!

  341. #585 by Nora on August 27, 2013 - 7:32 pm

    Always makes me cry…missing out on so much but reaping much too….

  342. #586 by brettfish on August 27, 2013 - 6:21 pm

    Some good strong tips. The idea of Love being a choice and a set of choices made again every day is a powerful one more people would do well to learn… i have a similar series on my blog where i invited some friends who are in strong marriages to give a piece of advice on how to stay married well: http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2012/09/17/how-to-save-a-marriage-before-you-need-to-the-parts.

    Some of it is similar to what has been shared here but there are also some other things we could do well to listen to – has been a really popular post.

    Thankx for sharing
    love brett fish

  343. #587 by Sharon on August 27, 2013 - 6:12 pm

    Wow! Praise The Lord!!! You got it! You totally hit the nail on the head… This is a home run post.

    People have made comments about your timing, what your ex wife might think, their own advise…etc. I get it… It’s not the point – it’s your feelings, it’s what you, yourself came to realize once your divorce was finalized.

    I’m in the midst of this right now. I have been married for 22 years and what I wouldn’t give for the man I married to not so much read these words – because he has indeed heard them many times before, but for him to have them go from his head to his heart. To break past the ego, the walls, the pride, and be able to have given himself completely to me. Yes, he lost me… The Lord released me after 22 years – I stayed and was obedient to what The Lord asked me to do it was hard as hell, but I would not go against The Lord. Then one day The Lord told me I had done everything I could do and that I was free to go. Sad to say, but I did not hesitate to say it was over – I could not take it any longer. Not the name calling, the emotional and mental abuse or the I’m sorries that meant nothing because things went back to what they were before the I am sorry. Always an excuse for the behavior that could always be justified in his mind. I never called him a name, I was never free to be me because of his lack of insecurities. He was a remarkable, smart, bright, intelligent man and hard working. Took life so serious. We (me the kids) were a price tag, a burden, could never make him happy – his expectations were set so high it was impossible for us to achieve them. We (me and the kids) have been set free – I am now free to be me and so are my kids. No more stress or heartache. God wiped it clean.

    If only he could come to what you have written. If only he could let it penetrate so deeply in his heart that it would not be easily removed. How much did I trust? I trusted him completely with everything and now material wise I have nothing – freedom wise I have everything as well as my children. He has lost his wife, children, our respect, trust and so much more, but he has what he has always wanted. A house full of material things, but they do not show love.

    • #588 by charity on August 27, 2013 - 11:11 pm

      I completely understand how you feel.

      • #589 by Amy on August 28, 2013 - 7:27 pm

        Wow! Your story is the exact same as my marriage! We are high school sweethearts, and I had dated my husband 9 years previous to our going to be 13 year marriage next month. We have separated 2 times and are currently separated. Because of my faith and religion, I don’t want to divorce and I have been praying and hoping for a change of heart with him or the lord to tell me that I have done all that I can do and to let go, just as you described in your post. I can’t live with his negativity and unhappiness in life and I just can’t help him with this, he has to decide to do this on his own. I feel the exact same way, his kids and I are a burden to him. But the line that really stood out was “Always an excuse for the behavior that could always be justified in his mind.” I am the reason for all of his unhappiness and he will never make me happy in life! And he likes to blame other things or has reasons for his behavior. I struggle with throwing 22 years of my relationship away with him, but feel I would love to be free to be me with my 2 kids and have no more stress or heartache with this marriage. Thanks for posting as your post really hit home for me.

  344. #590 by ricklaprade on August 27, 2013 - 4:05 pm

    Reblogged this on Rick Laprade.

  345. #591 by unburiedstories on August 27, 2013 - 3:42 pm

    Reblogged this on Limari Colón.

  346. #592 by Ananymous on August 27, 2013 - 3:39 pm

    This is so good. And…just because it seems to be towards a man, it is also for women!

    • #593 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 9:36 pm

      you are so right there!!

  347. #594 by Lauren on August 27, 2013 - 3:27 pm

    My ex-husband should have read this. in the end, money was his number one love

    • #595 by Anonymous on August 28, 2013 - 3:19 am

      As was my ex’s – Now, he can’t spend it fast enough on someone half his age. It’s as if he’s trying to make up for all of the empty focus he had in our relationship. Money can’t buy everything, but it can keep her on his arm making him look good and it can keep her frozen in time with the necessary surgeries and injections. Such an empty life. I do pity him… I now have someone who practices all of the above advice given. It is so nice to be loved and cherished for who I am, how I am and believe me, it is all reciprocated. There is life after a decades of a broken heart.

  348. #596 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 3:24 pm

    Excellent advice…so, where did he go wrong? Why divorced? It takes two to make a marriage work! Seems, if his wife had followed this advice, they’d still be married…

    • #597 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 10:51 pm

      You don’t realize what you have done or wish you would have done until its gone…..

  349. #598 by writercooking on August 27, 2013 - 3:13 pm

    Thanks for this. It resonates on pretty much every possible level. I wish you all the best.

  350. #599 by Craig Lu on August 27, 2013 - 3:00 pm

    This should apply to both the husband and the wife.

    Love the comment #4209 above – http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/08/15/beautiful-advice-from-a-divorced-man-after-16-years-of-marriage/#comment-4209

    “In my many years of marriage I found that a successful relationship is never 50/50. It’s 40/60 or 75/25 or 90/10 or even 10/90 but always 100%.”

    • #600 by Sophie57 on August 27, 2013 - 10:47 pm

      Exactly! When I was a little girl, my mother told me this almost verbatim. My parents have been happily married almost 60 years and my husband and I just celebrated our 35th anniversary. I’ve passed it on to my children and hope they pass it onto their children and so on…

  351. #601 by p3n5trike on August 27, 2013 - 2:58 pm

    Shared this with my facebook family with the caption “Wonderful words of advice for any husband, wife, or companion…” God bless you for your obedience to your spirit and your courage …

  352. #602 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 2:14 pm

    Wow!!!! Not just a lesson for men but women too!! I am gobsmacked because its so profound!! Soo wish my husband could read this. I have long since stopped existing for him.

  353. #603 by Rick on August 27, 2013 - 1:53 pm

    While I agree with a lot of the points on here, I do think that some of them need a bit of moderation to be effective. For example the statement “make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen”, if you really try to do this everyday you’d end up burning yourself out. I say, treat her fair and loved, but save that “making her feel like a queen” stuff for special occasions and spread it out through the years so it doesn’t get old.

    A lot of the advise given here is good advise, except I think it should be done moderately because too much of it can end up soiling the marriage as well.

    Another thing to consider should be the amount of effort the man is putting in. He should put in enough effort to make his girl happy but not too much that he’s exhausting himself. Otherwise there’s no way he can make it last.

    • #604 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 2:22 pm

      If your a man, and you love your woman, these are honestly words to live by!!!

  354. #605 by Stephanie Stanford on August 27, 2013 - 1:19 pm

    This is one of the best things I have ever read..books, posts, professionals and newbies…this is the truth from your heart. Im sending this to my husband & others I know because there is healing in your words. MAGNIFICENT. You will be married again. The next time will be better because now you know & the woman you meet will know, too. Blessings to you.

  355. #606 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 1:09 pm

    This is true, but it works both ways. Both persons involved have to work on this together. This may be true in your case but every case is different.

  356. #607 by Kelly on August 27, 2013 - 12:49 pm

    Wow – such true words! I got divorced after 4 years only to realise that my husband was infact the most amazing person i could ever wish for and that i may of expected to much of things! But as time went on we both realised what we did wrong and could now be back together with our son and handle situations better, hes also not a big romantic, lavious gifts kind of guys, but always puts me first, makes my entire insides flutter at the sight of him, makes me laugh and makes me fall inlove with him over and over and for that i couldnt of been blessed with anyone more amazing than HIM!!!

  357. #608 by Gerald Rogers on August 27, 2013 - 12:30 pm

    Thank you for sharing this… When I wrote this at 1:00am the night after my divorce was finalized, I had no idea or intention that it would touch so many. I know that there are many that may disagree, reject this or would offer different advice…. that’s great. All it is is MY PERSPECTIVE… I wrote this advice FOR MYSELF… THIS IS THE MAN THAT I CHOOSE TO BE. Everyone has their own journey to travel with love and their relationships… I for one, CHOOSE TO BE AN EPIC LOVER.

    I’m honored that others would choose to step up in their marriages as well. Thank you James for the lives you have touched by sharing my words.

    • #609 by jrl on August 27, 2013 - 12:55 pm

      Gerald, I’ve been trying to get in touch with you. Check your facebook fanpage inbox and reply when you can. A friend at The Huffington Post wants to run the article but I have to get your permission.
      -James Russell Lingerfelt

    • #610 by Tilde on August 27, 2013 - 3:37 pm

      is soo profound! i literally have tears in my eyes, wish this testimony/words were available before my divorce. Is everything i tried talking to him about but in a sense where men can easily comprehend. Bravo Mr. Rogers! :-)

    • #611 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 10:17 pm

      Ahhhh, let us all aspire to be Epic Lovers nurturing Legendary relationships! Ready, willing & able to put these wise words into practice with with man who’s just as ready, willing & able. Kudos for sharing your experience & observations!!

  358. #612 by Wendy on August 27, 2013 - 11:44 am

    My husband sent it to the new “love of his life”. We still live together after his numerous infidelities. Some men are so shallow – don’t have clocking clue. And some women are so desperate can’t see the writing on the wall. Good luck to them. I forgave a long time ago and look forward to someone who appreciates me.

  359. #613 by MIKE BUCKLEY on August 27, 2013 - 11:30 am

    I too was married and am currently going through an ammicable divorce – we are the best of friends I still love my wife wh all my heart . Sadly it was not enough for her .
    I can see many good points in the above article , I know if we read this in full in time – maybe our marriage would have survived .
    I don’t think I could face another marriage to tell the truth , I feel I am a lovable guy – but obviously there is something wrong with me .
    I have met many lovly girls over the last four weeks , but no one will ever compare to the love of my life .
    I survived a stroke [ many weeks in hospital ] , not sure if I now have the strength to cope with another marriage . Hopefully I will find the strength from somewhere

  360. #614 by Joanie on August 27, 2013 - 11:10 am

    A powerful article .. A good read … However … Instead of this advice to be directed toward men … It should be directed to both!!! There are wonderful men who do all of these things and it is the wife who neglects her husband leaving him with a emotional void so powerful that he has nothing left to give! Good men … Really loving and good men are emotionally deprived of the very simplest of bonding!!!

    • #615 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 12:16 pm

      Thank you for seeing that Joanne.

  361. #616 by Kelley Thorpe Baker on August 27, 2013 - 11:03 am

    Reblogged this on JourneyWhirl and commented:
    After losing my marriage after 12 years, this blog has been the only writing that fully captures the essence of all of my emotions surrounding my feelings… A must read.

  362. #617 by beverley-ann coetzer on August 27, 2013 - 10:40 am

    Awesome and true

  363. #618 by Colleen on August 27, 2013 - 10:24 am

    I too was married for 16 years to a man I truly loved. (and somewhere in my heart I always will). We were finally together for the first time without any children (2nd marriage for both of us, both with 2 boys). Thought this would be the time to really be happy and have fun. He is a fantastic musician but in the course of 9 months, his sister passed, his mother became ill and passed and his music ended. Within a month and a half of his mother passing, he walked out. Said he didn’t want to be married anymore. Nothing made sense. Wouldn’t get help. I was devastated. It’s been two years now since our divorce and it’s a little easier. I recently found out he remarried. It was a blow but at the same time it has helped me to close that chapter, that book. Yes, this advice applies to women too! I did change and didn’t like who I’d become but thought time would fix it. I was very blind but never, ever in my life, did I ever think we wouldn’t be together. Starting over has been bumpy and lonely but I’ll get there. Thank you for the article. I will remember this when someone new comes into my life. I am becoming the person I want to be with me.

  364. #619 by Ann Schweitzer Minahan on August 27, 2013 - 9:55 am

    I was married for almost 22 years when my husband left me and our 3 kids…I wish he had had this article to read before he ended our marriage…I wish he had done just one of this things on this list…I love how you said that marriage is work…That is one thing my ex insisted that it wasn;t…He always said it shouldn’t be so hard…He made it harder than it needed to be…This brought tears to my eyes because had he had this read, maybe we would still be together today…

    • #620 by claywise on August 27, 2013 - 10:06 am

      It’s good stuff.

      But a question: Does this go both ways, or just husband>wife?

      If anyone thinks this is a one-way street, there is a problem.

    • #621 by Rick on August 27, 2013 - 2:01 pm

      I actually believe that marriage shouldn’t be work. Or rather, yes the couple should work together to make the marriage work and yes there will be times when it feels hard… but if majority of your marriage feels like work, if it feels hard all the time, then there’s probably something wrong.

      For me, marriage is supposed to flow easily and freely for the most part, and you only need to put in the “work” during those few times when it gets hard. But if there are more “hard” parts than there are “easy” ones, then it’s time to rethink.

      But hey, that’s just me. I make no claims to being a relationship guru.

      • #622 by Cher on August 27, 2013 - 4:43 pm

        I sent this to my soon to be X husband of 31 years. 9years of cheating and lying with another woman…not easy to accept someone stepping into my position after all the work that I did with the kid, the mother and father in law, the houses, the relatives, etc. I am now choosing to only be with people who love, cherish, adore, and honor the amazing woman I truly am. Divorce is a great wake-up call to learning how to love, cherish, adore, and honor MYSELF. I LOOK FORWARD to my new life of finally being my TRUE magnificence.

  365. #623 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 9:27 am

    This advice seems to put a lot more responsibility on the man to make the relationship work than the woman. It goes both ways, or it will never work.

    • #624 by Bro Montana (@_BroMontana) on August 27, 2013 - 10:26 am

      What this person said!

      • #625 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 12:15 pm

        Agree 100% with you.

    • #626 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 1:27 pm

      It not only has to go both ways, the giving has to be done freely and unconditionally both ways. Even if there is a lot of loving behavior like this, the relationship will likely fall apart if somebody is keeping score.

      • #627 by Rick on August 27, 2013 - 2:03 pm

        Agreed. Even if you all these loving and giving behavior, but the effort is taxing you and exhausting you, with enough time you’ll just end up feeling bitter about the whole thing. IMO, the loving behavior should come without too much effort. That way it would be easy to maintain it and make it last.

    • #628 by Anonymous on August 27, 2013 - 1:32 pm

      A college psychology professor told us that marriage is a 60/60 responsibility. Both partners need to carry more than ‘their share’ for things to work. I think the writer being male was simply expressing the things he wished that he had done differently.

    • #629 by Equality means equal on August 28, 2013 - 8:39 am

      I was thinking this exact thing.

      Women are coming in here in droves, pointing at what he blogged and saying, “What he said!” I’m curious as to why this article doesn’t promote compromise and self-awareness from both sides? It’s revisionist, surely emotionally-driven advice essentially telling a men to forfeit any sense of independence or individual drive if, basically, his wife doesn’t 100% approve. It’s really not advice grounded in reality, particularly with wives who don’t focus or approve of what feeds their husbands’ souls outside of their relationship.

      The truth is it’s important for both sides to continuously work together and fight for each other. Without that, no relationship would ever succeed. But it’s important to recognize that there’s an even split in this responsibility and generally, outside of truly horrible behavior by one side (such as infidelity), if a relationship fails it’s almost always because BOTH sides didn’t do a good enough job focusing on the other.

      To the “What he said!” Ladies: Have you also sat down and really thought about how you could have also applied James’ logic to yourself and how you handled your relationship? Or are you using James’ feedback to absolve yourself of your own likely failures in your marriages?

      A man should never make you feel less than you are worth, which is the world. But you also need to make sure he feels the same way. 50/50 means 50/50. Anything less or anything more leads to someone feeling slighted over the long term and ultimately a failed relationship.

  366. #630 by MeeA on August 27, 2013 - 8:45 am

    I am that lucky woman who cannot help but brag about her husband. No, he doesn’t do the fancy gifts, flowers, chocolates and sweeping romantic gestures. He washes and fills up my car. He watches the kids so that I can enjoy a girls’ night out. He makes me endless cups of tea and coffee. He comes home to me, on time, Every. Single. Night, Instead of hanging out with friends. He laughs at the situation when I’m losing my cool and although I often want to strangle him for it in the moment, I usually end up laughing, too. And in spite of all this, it’s easy to lose sight of how wonderful he is. Thanks for the reminder!

    • #631 by mopilgrim on August 28, 2013 - 9:24 am

      I am that lucky woman, too, and am so sad that there are so many people out there who don’t have my kind of relationship. What I brag about is that in 20 years, my husband has never criticized me…NOT ONCE. Something that probably should be added to the list. He appreciates all the hard work I do, and helps out if I am tired or just not up to it…we never argue about money, even though we are not rich, and are just so happy to be together all the time. I always tell people that we are joined at the hip! It has been a struggle over the years, though, to get him to open up to me completely, as he has always been a quiet person. But with love and gentle coaxing and a bit of suffering on my part, he finally came out of his shell and we are experiencing the marriage I have always dreamed of. Good luck to all those who hope that this article will change their marriage–these premises all worked in my marriage!

  367. #632 by Laura on August 27, 2013 - 7:35 am

    Wow, I have one of those husbands that I brag about. I tell our 21 year old daughter, that she will have a tough time finding a man that can measure up to her father. I hope my 22 year old son will be the husband you describe. He has a good chance since his dad set a steller example.

  368. #633 by Nancy Clark on August 27, 2013 - 7:35 am

    These words are beautiful & equally valuable for the Wife. After nearly twenty years of marriage,
    I have come to realize it is my responsibility to Be what I wish to Attract. The book about the Love Languages was a wedding present that gathered dust, rather than learning the insight it offered. Life occasionally offers Do-Overs…

  369. #634 by spikefarrelltravelspike Farrell on August 27, 2013 - 7:17 am

    I too, had a bad divorce after 16 years of marriage. This experience inspired me to write a book on the subject, titled, “Marriage and Divorce, a Survivor’s Guide” by Spike Farrell. When I started divorce proceedings against my wife, I looked around for a book to guide me through the process, can you believe it, I couldn’t find anything on the shelves! That’s why my book came into existence. The book is here to assist as many people as possible, and if you find yourself in the terrible situation of divorce, please get this book it really will help. The book has had very good reviews in the press, radio and magazines and a very good review from Rod Smith who writes the “You and Me’ column in the press. The book, “Marriage and Divorce, a Survivor’s Guide” is available on Amazon and Kindle, and many other E-book-sites, or contact me on spikefarrell@mweb.co.za and I will get a copy to you. I am here to help.

  370. #635 by gmoney on August 27, 2013 - 7:07 am

    This is great and nicely written, but marriage is a two way street. You follow this advice to the letter, but it will not do you any good if you are married to a selfish bitch.

    • #636 by Jason on August 27, 2013 - 9:23 pm

      Right. There can’t be a selfish b1tch in any successful marriage be it the husband or wife. God has blessed me with the best woman a man could ask for. Thanks God. 10 years in September and things couldn’t be better. Our relationship has never felt like work to me. I cherish her just as she does me.

  371. #637 by Jade McIntyre on August 27, 2013 - 4:36 am

    This was a great article ! I was with my wife for 19 years. Six years of dating and 13 years of marriage. We have three beautiful daughters from or marriage. I was so in love with my wife she was my college sweetheart and I thought she was perfect for me. However after my construction business crashed when the recession hit in 2008 everything started to change. There were no arguments or fights which lead up to us seperating and a few days after returning from a trip to see President Obama’s inauguration my wife told me that she had an appointment to see a doctor. I ask for what thinking she was sick and she told me for or marriage. I was in total shock when she told me that because I had not been able to work that past year she had become bitter at me. I had 17 lawsuits against me from vendors I couldn’t pay do to clients walking away from projects my company was doing and I was searching for a job, but had no luck doing the recession, even with a college degree. I tried everything to save my marriage, but I could not figure out why my wife did not want to go to counseling at the church we attended. So I told or daughters what was going on and prepared myself to leave the house. She asked me to stay and I agreed, but only if we went to counseling at or church. I made an appointment and the day I showed up I called her and she said her half brother who she had only known for a short time needed her to sing at his mothers funeral and that she only had so much time that she could take off work. Talk about a slap in the face, the woman I loved was putting another man’s needs in front of mine. I think after 19 years together I deserve at least one hour of your time to try and save or marriage. At that point I was done. However I could not help but think that there was more to it. So I went through her cell phone and found 34 men’s phone numbers and I found several men on Facebook flirting with her. When I questioned her about it she just tried to brush it off and said she was not cheating on me. A few months after I left the house she was already with another man. The sad thing is I will never really know her reason for leaving me why she didn’t at least try to work on or marriage and if in fact she was cheating on me. I have a hard time believing that she just up an left when the money got funny. Today we don’t talk to each other at all unless its regarding or daughters. And sad to say my outlook on love has forever been changed by a woman I loved so much. I’ve been divorced for three years now and its still such a hard issue to deal with.

    • #638 by Jason on August 27, 2013 - 9:30 pm

      She’s scum bud. It might not feel like it now but your better of. And Karma’s a b1tch. You did what you could. Sorry to hear it though.

  372. #639 by lara on August 27, 2013 - 2:19 am

    Wow! i didnt know my hubby doing a great job after reading this. most advice here are true and i been pampered with it for more than 14 years. Good luck for new love.

  373. #640 by Gisselle on August 27, 2013 - 2:08 am

    i just want to share my experience and testimony here on how Dr Agba.. i was married for 6years to my husband and all of a sudden, another woman came into the picture.. he started hailing me and he was abusive..but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost…then he filed for divorce..my whole life was turning apart and i didn’t know what to do..he moved out of the house and abandoned the kids.. so someone told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to this Dr Agba so i decided to try it reluctantly..although i didn’t believe in all those things… then when he did the spell, after 4 days, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn’t believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy…..If any of you ever need help help regarding relationship issues, contact him through his email address agbalaxxy@gmail.com